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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old taking 12 year old on 4 trains aibu?

403 replies

lilypoppet · 21/08/2018 20:36

Without asking me,.my DH, Mil and 18 year old daughter have organised for the 18 year old to take my 12 year old daughter to Lincolnshire on their own. We live on West Sussex. This involves a long journey of 4 trains, including underground across London. I must stress DH isn't.going with them and I have not.been asked. I don't even know which station they'll.be picked up from. I have been given no information. They have already bought the tickets. What can I do?

OP posts:
RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:51

But you do get that in a situation where your dh can't say no.. You may feel differently about them saying yes to everything?

That being able to say no, to manage and mediate fills someone with confidence. And earns trust. Whereas one partner not being able to do that doesn't fill one with confidence.

Maybe ops dreadful and ott.

Has massive anxiety issues Hmm can't let go of her babies, can't see them as adults... Silly op.
. But she's still human. She is still their mum. She is still mum too one child. Shes not worried about a toddle around the lakes. This is a tube journey across our extremely busy capital city.

It would have been nice for her feelings to be considered. Her fears allayed.

Ops partner hasn't thought about the journey and her Mil doesn't care and wouldn't have thought about it.

It's not surprising she is worried.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 11:54

I plan numerous things for my children without consulting DH. I took them to center parcs for a week with some friends and didn’t tell him until after it was booked (he was at work all week anyway so it wouldn’t have affected him, plus why would be begrudge the children doing something that they would enjoy).
Nobody has ever suggested that I, as their mother, should not arrange things for our children without seeking DH’s permission.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 11:55

While this explains your dislike of your MIL, OP, what it does not explain is why you think being driven across the country by her would be safer than travelling by train. Nor why, at 72, you don't think driving long-distance would be more tiring for her than sitting on a train for an 18yo and a 12yo.

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:57

I think in a normal functioning family. Usually anything like this would be discussed.

Him 'I'm thinking of sending the dc to granny's she hast seen them for a while'.

Her ' good idea how will they get there.

Him' train and tube '

Her' I feel worried about that can't we find another way to get them there.. Think of a b and c.

Then it goes one of two ways. Either..

Him ' don't worry darling, x will be fine.. It will be good for them...

Her' yes your right. OK.

Or
... Him I think they will be fine but I don't want you worrying let's look at other ways... Maybe a compromise.

Is that so hard to imagine??

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:59

I assume your dh trusts you soy?

And he was away at work 😂😂.

But...let's say you had all been to center parks and one dc had wandered off or you were not watching them in the pool.. Maybe he wouldn't have been so comfortable with it.

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 12:01

It's not about seeking permission just normal family conversation.

Op it's a shame your dc can't wear badges.. Hundreds of mn would look out for them for you on thier journey 😂😂

HopefullyAnonymous · 22/08/2018 12:01

I’d be far more concerned about them spending time in cleethorpes to be honest. I’ve not taken the DCs since we saw someone attacked with a bottle, and there was s stabbing on the beach last week. Grimsby/cleethorpes is one of the roughest places I’ve ever had the misfortune to spend time in (I work there!)

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 12:02

No I do agree with you, Rayne, that communication should have been better here. (Though I can't say I recognise the OP in the extremely reasonable female protagonist of your little dialogue.Wink )

But I am still interested in knowing, if it was a father who thought it was reasonable to curtail his children's independent due to his irrational anxiety, would people still have the same patience with him? They never seem to on the threads I read.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 12:04

"But...let's say you had all been to center parks and one dc had wandered off or you were not watching them in the pool.. Maybe he wouldn't have been so comfortable with it."

a) do we actually have any evidence that this is relevant to the 18yo in question b) are you saying no mother whose child has ever wandered off should be allowed to do any independent parenting ever again? how would that actually work?

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 12:07

“Ops partner hasn't thought about the journey and her Mil doesn't care and wouldn't have thought about it.L

Because the journey is not an issue that needs to be thought about

There may be a million and one things that do need to be thought about- but the journey is not one. And the OP has not suggested anything else immediately relevant that should be considered.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 12:09

He wasn’t ‘away’ at work, he was working from home. But that’s irrelevant as we have no idea where the OP will be while her children are at their MIL’s.

But...let's say you had all been to center parks and one dc had wandered off or you were not watching them in the pool.. Maybe he wouldn't have been so comfortable with it

How is that relevant here? Has there been any suggestion that the DC have undertaken the same journey previously and something has gone wrong?
Also, as corythatwas says, if something like that had happened before would it mean that I could no longer parent my children independently? Or had to ask permission to take them to certain places as I couldn’t be trusted to care for them properly?

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 22/08/2018 12:11

It's pretty clear that OP isn't capable of having a rational balanced discussion on this subject, though. We've been trying for 14 pages.

tillytrotter1 · 22/08/2018 12:12

Is 'DH' the 12 year old's father? If so, he's made a decision regarding his child, his opinion is as valid as yours, stop being so arrogant.

paintedwingsandgiantrings · 22/08/2018 12:17

The 12 year olds are old enough to do this journey on their own.

Doing it in the presence of an 18 year old is an easy opportunity for them to feel some independence while still being with someone a bit older.

OP meant in the kindest way, you're putting your anxieties onto this unnecessarily.

If you are concerned about the tube journey, show them a tube map in advance so they know the journey. Make sure they have mobile phones with them. And an agreed place to meet at the train station in case they got separated (very unlikely!)

You really are being very unreasonable.

This is a good life experience for them, it'll help them learn to be self reliant and independent.

KnotsInMay · 22/08/2018 12:33

OK, OP, I can see why you feel aggravated over the whole dynamic between MIL and your DH.

Discuss with him agreeing things as a family.

However, now that it is planned, see it as a trip to Cleethorpes for your Dds.

Your DH’s lack of communication isn’t a reason to stop the trip, and hopefully by now you have accepted that this is a journey your Dds are very capable of undertaking.

Ask your DH to confirm that they will be met at Cleethorpes, and if not, book them a taxi.

It is exasperating and wearing having a ‘hard work’ MIL or any family member.

I hope your Dds enjoy Cleethorpes and have an adventure of the best kind.

titchy · 22/08/2018 12:34

Anyone else wondering when OP will idly drop into conversation that both dcs are visually impaired, wheelchair bound and with the cognitive abilities of toddlers....?

SilverySurfer · 22/08/2018 12:40

Is happy for my two younger daughters to do this massive trip though.

What massive trip? Have they changed their mind and instead of visiting their grandmother, they are travelling overland to China? Hmm

Frankly your obvious hatred for your MiL and your hysteria re the journey is making you sound unhinged.

Winchester89 · 22/08/2018 12:40

I was considering saying you were not unreasonable as you were not made aware of the plans before tickets were booked.
However, on reading your updates I can see why.
All the things you have posted about you MIL are entirely irrelevant. You don't like her, she doesn't like you (surprisingly) and therefore she arranged this with your husband who I assume is the father of said 12 year old.
Your issue isn't the journey, I imagine if they were visiting someone else it would be a non issue.
The only person I imagine being annoyed at in this situation is your husband, not your MIL.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/08/2018 12:40

Mils with dangerous dogs they won't put out when gc visit wanting dc alone and the dh can't say no!

What dangerous dogs? Has the OP said the dogs are dangerous?

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 12:41

“Ask your DH to confirm that they will be met at Cleethorpes, and if not, book them a taxi” My dd would be sooo cross if I did this. Or she would have been at 18. She’s 22 now and would probably be delighted if I paid for it...........

KnotsInMay · 22/08/2018 12:41

Don’t be sarky, Titchy.

OP has confirmed that her 18 year old has undertaken an independent festival / camping trip to Greece.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/08/2018 12:48

OP has confirmed that her 18 year old has undertaken an independent festival / camping trip to Greece

Which is even more bizarre to why she's so concerned about a few train journeys in the uk. The DD is obviously more than capable of getting her and her younger sister to MILs.

2010Aussie · 22/08/2018 13:14

I was going to London entirely on my own for the day at 14. Really can't see the problem.

JassyRadlett · 22/08/2018 13:34

Shes not worried about a toddle around the lakes. This is a tube journey across our extremely busy capital city.

Which goes to show how off people’s perception of risk is - going for a wander in the Lakes would carry more risks than going five stops on the Victoria line during the day. Even going solely by the death rate rather than accident/incident rate the Lakes are far, far more hazardous.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 14:03

"OP has confirmed that her 18 year old has undertaken an independent festival / camping trip to Greece"

No she hasn't. She said she has been to Greece. Not that she organised it herself or went there alone. She also said she has been to Bestival. Which is held in the south of England. Again, we are not told whether she travelled there alone.