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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old taking 12 year old on 4 trains aibu?

403 replies

lilypoppet · 21/08/2018 20:36

Without asking me,.my DH, Mil and 18 year old daughter have organised for the 18 year old to take my 12 year old daughter to Lincolnshire on their own. We live on West Sussex. This involves a long journey of 4 trains, including underground across London. I must stress DH isn't.going with them and I have not.been asked. I don't even know which station they'll.be picked up from. I have been given no information. They have already bought the tickets. What can I do?

OP posts:
RayneDance · 22/08/2018 10:28

Op even Bertrand Russel feels sorry for you on this thread 😂😂😂 she's right maybe start another thread.

As I said, I can't imagine any parent being happy that a 12 year old had holiday arranged without their knowledge.

Any normal family set up would be... Consultation.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2018 10:29

DH is under MILs thumb and does everything she wants. Hence the disrespect in not consulting me.

Ok so that's your DH.

Why do you think your 18 year old and 12 year old didn't consult you?

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 10:29

I can understand wanting to stop/dissuade young people from things on all sorts of grounds: because it is bad for their health, because it is bad for their morals, because it is bad for my finances. But because it might make them tired- NO. It is GOOD for young people to get tired. It is good for them to push themselves, to do things that require hard work and concentration and leave them feeling exhausted but proud. Being afraid of being tired, thinking tiring is bad, may be ok for an older person with limited strength, but it is really not a good attitude for a healthy young person.

LightDrizzle · 22/08/2018 10:32

Sorry. You are desperately and unsuccessfully scrambling for any objective reasons as to why this journey is in any way reckless or unreasonable. You do have reason to be put out that this wasn’t mentioned to you at all given you co-parent in the same household, but that should be directed at your DH.
Why should she pay for their tickets? She will be hosting them during their visit. When my mum waved me off at Manchester in the 1980s aged 11 before I flew alone to Berlin to visit friends stationed there, she’d already sent them some money to cover miscellaneous expenses (unsolicited) and there was a Lladro figurine wrapped so in my suitcase as a thank you gift to the parents.
I don’t imagine she sent money to grandma when we went to stay with her unaccompanied, but she wouldn’t have dreamt of letting her her pay for the tickets, and would doubtless have got the bollocking of her life had she suggested it (her own Mum, who adored her).
I’d be upset nobody had mentioned this to me but it’s a wake-up call. You may not have discussed this with the DC but they all clearly know what your reaction would be and that there would be trouble, so have avoided you. You need to separate your hatred of MIL, - which may be justified in terms of her treatment of you, from this issue, as long as she is a loving and loved granny. They are not making you stay with her or the reverse. You don’t have to see her, but they want to.
If granny doesn’t like travelling, she can’t force people to travel to her, but she isn’t. They want to. My mum wouldn’t have wanted to make an equivalent journey from her late 50’s on, she still went on holidays which involved being driven to an airport car park and then coach transfers at the other end, or being picked up locally by coach and deposited at various hotels on a trip.
I’d drop all opposition and attitude about this trip and make a mental note to ensure I’m not guilting or making PA digs about grandma around the children.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 10:32

Yes, I always consider it a day well spent if my children are exhausted at the end of it!

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 10:33

The 18 yo has just been to Greece to Bestival and camping. Hardly someone who isn't given freedom. It's the responsibility of a 12 year old I was worried about. MIL won't have given it a second thought. DH is just relieved he doesn't have to go, she has been badgering him about a visit for months and he doesn't particularly want to go because she had three dogs she has put first.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 22/08/2018 10:35

I still can’t figure out what the actual issue is.
Is it

  1. your MIL, and the fact that you despise her?
  2. that you are petrified of the tube so don’t want your children on it?
  3. that your 18 year old isn’t responsible enough to look after a 12 year old?
  4. that your 12 year old isn’t responsible enough to take direction from an 18 year old?
  5. that they aren’t being picked up in Doncaster?
BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 10:37

“As I said, I can't imagine any parent being happy that a 12 year old had holiday arranged without their knowledge”

If my dp arranged a weekend away for our 12 year old, I would expect to be told he wouldn’t be home- but I don’t see why I should be consulted. Particularly if I was likely to react in this bizarre irrational manner.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 10:38

“MIL won't have given it a second thought.“

Sensible woman.

mamalovebird · 22/08/2018 10:39

@lilypoppet I understand you nervousness of tube trains... I was on a tube train that passed through KX about 5 mins before the bomb went off. It was a devastating day.
I didn't go back on the tube again and left London the following month. The first time I went back to London and tried to get on a tube, I totally panicked and had to get out of there. Every time I go back, it has been easier each time. But it never leaves you, I get that.

OOOH, by 18 I'd been living away from home for 2 years so I'm sure your DD will be fine. At 12 I was travelling by bus alone to visit my mum when she moved 50 miles away, then would get a bus to hers from the bus station. I was also fine then too.

I think you need to box off your anxiety over this and not pass it on to them. Your Dh should have at least mentioned it to you though, I'd be a bit annoyed at that.

waterrat · 22/08/2018 10:39

OP not sure if you are still on this thread but I went to school inLondon and from the age of 11 many kids arrived by tube! It's completely normal to see 12 year olds entirely alone on the tube!

At 12 a child needs to know how to cope if they lose the person they are travelling with - it's a life skill - ask a tube worker for help, then call their sibling and tell them where they are!

waterrat · 22/08/2018 10:40

I would hope a 12 year old would be able to do all of that without an adult to be honest but we live in times where kids have less freedom than ever.

Can they read ? Can they talk? if so they could change trains etc on their own.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 10:43

OP, you keep changing your argument all the time.

First it was the dangers of tube bombings (How would that be less dangerous for the 12yo if you were there? Or for the 18yo if not accompanied by 12yo?).

Then it was "oh, but I found the journey tiring". (What's wrong with young people getting tired? Assuming they do get tired in the same way as middle-aged parents, which is not my experience)

Now it's the responsibility of the 12yo. How difficult do you think this responsibility is going to be? Isn't it just the case of two people, both old enough to behave sensibly, sticking together and getting on the same train, having first agreed a plan for if they should get separated? (Get the next train to an agreed point seems the obvious solution) It's not as if the 12yo is going to try to run away (one assumes) or is too young to communicate their needs or is likely to come to any harm if all needs are not met instantly.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/08/2018 10:45

Sounds like the older dc is more than capable of looking after the 12 year old.

How old is MIL?

beeefcake · 22/08/2018 10:54

OP has issues with her MIL and this situation is a red herring. People leave home and have children at 18 op, get a grip.

I grew up with an overly anxious mother and it has messed me up.

Altwoo · 22/08/2018 11:05

Then it’s your husband who has gone behind your back. That’s who you should be cross with - if indeed that’s what you’re cross about it.

It’s really hard to follow what you’re actually worried about as you have thrown it all in.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 11:06

As I've explained, I am not am overly anxious mother. I'm a responsible parent who should have been consulted about this trip. DH was dragged up and MIL has no idea how to.look after children. She prefers dogs.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 11:07

Oh, ffs, nobody has gone behind her back. People made a perfectly sensible plan and told her what it was.

Everyoneiswingingit · 22/08/2018 11:10

I would have expected your DH to run it by you first because that's what my DH would do but I'm sure they'll be fine. your 18yr old sounds confident and 12 yr old hasn't said they're particularly worried about this journey?

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:16

Op. Of course you should have been consulted.

Of course you should have been.

It also depends on the 12 year old. Dc develop at different rates. Mine are no good around roads and cars. I drum it in, do all usual stuff they still get carried away and forget. Some of their peers a re the same, some are amazing at road safety!!
This doesn't sound like a rational man booking in nice holiday with his mum.

It's the usual hounded man choosing to please his mum rather than be subjective about it. There's a huge difference.

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 11:17

They won’t be near roads?!

titchy · 22/08/2018 11:17

OP: AIBU regarding a
MN: YES!
OP: Yeah but b
MN: Still yes
OP: Yeah but c
MN: Sill yes
OP: Yeah but d, and e
MN: Still yes
OP: Yeah but....

Bored now.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 11:18

"Oh, ffs, nobody has gone behind her back. People made a perfectly sensible plan and told her what it was."

This seems to pretty well sum it up tbh.

You still haven't explained what this heavy responsibility consists of or why disapproving of it makes you a responsible parent- particularly as it has been pointed out to you that the train/tube journey is far, far safer than anything involving your MIL or yourself driving them in a motor car. Your argument simply doesn't seem rational.

bert3400 · 22/08/2018 11:20

My 16 year old travelled with my 9year old from Italy to the UK ...on there own
. Why are you doubting the capabilities of the 18yr old & 12 year old . They will be fine ...is there a back story to this ?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/08/2018 11:20

You do sound controlling though OP.

How old is MIL?

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