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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

18 year old taking 12 year old on 4 trains aibu?

403 replies

lilypoppet · 21/08/2018 20:36

Without asking me,.my DH, Mil and 18 year old daughter have organised for the 18 year old to take my 12 year old daughter to Lincolnshire on their own. We live on West Sussex. This involves a long journey of 4 trains, including underground across London. I must stress DH isn't.going with them and I have not.been asked. I don't even know which station they'll.be picked up from. I have been given no information. They have already bought the tickets. What can I do?

OP posts:
Cath2907 · 22/08/2018 11:21

I used to travel the country from age 13 on train. My DH took 2 trains to secondary school alone from age 12. This is a non-issue!

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:23

Soy. It's an example! Confused

Op I'm sore they will be fine and it gets this visit out the way. I'm sure it's been said but just give them drilling on what to do if they get separated on the tube. It's recently saw wholesale French family step off at Oxford circus when train was rammed, leaving one member on board to let people odd then panic they couldn't get back on again!! They did.. Just.

Get it out of the way.

Forget about wedding crap don't let it ruin the big day. If the trip goes well great, if it doesn't they won't want to go back.

Talk to your dh about going behind your back for the sole reason of keeping the peace... Would he sell them into slavery to keep the peace too!!

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:26

There is a difference between people in healthy relationships making plans though and where one adult can't say no to another adult making plans.

It doesn't fill one with confidence.

I can say yes or no to my dp requests. Can we take the dc to India for 3 weeks. I say no because I can.

There for I can be trusted to make informed balanced decisions. Of course worry will set in when one adult can't say no to his mum!! Hmm

Lucky for op her dc are old enough to cope with this trip!

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 11:27

“Talk to your dh about going behind your back for the sole reason of keeping the peace... Would he sell them into slavery to keep the peace too!!”

As I said. Nobody went behind her back. People made a perfectly sensible plan, then told her what the plan was. Can fathers not make plans without checking that it’s all right with the mother?

And your second sentence is not worthy of comment.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 11:29

But there is absolutely no rational reason for saying no to this plan. There might be to taking the children to India for 3 weeks.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 11:30

Would posters be equally convinced this was not a normal wife, but a hounded woman prepared to sell her children into slavery if she had made arrangements for her children to visit her mother and only informed her husband afterwards?

If it was the husband who insisted that this journey was dangerous for x, no make that y, no we'll change it into z reason, while his wife was convinced it was safe, who do we reckon MN would refer to as the controlling partner?

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:31

Not worthy of comment because maybe you have never understood or witnessed what it's like to have dh who can't say no to mum, no matter what she says Confused

I'm amazed anyone would think this is Normal and healthy.
Arranging holidays for young family members without running it past the other parent!!

Maybe pp are right maybe this is what they have had to resort too.. But even then its not usual at all!

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 11:33

Are you pissed off with your DH and your DC for not asking your permission OP, or just your MIL?

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:33

Cory I think that would depend.

Personally at these ages I thinking the dc will survive even if the Mil is dog obsessed.. And doesn't know what to do with them. They will be fine.

But any younger etc.. Not sure.

If my dm had dragged me up, loved the dogs more than anyone.. I couldn't say no to her.... The dc younger then yes I would expect my dh to say.. Are you you sure this is a good idea!!

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 11:33

RayneDance Wed 22-Aug-18 11:26:56
"There is a difference between people in healthy relationships making plans though and where one adult can't say no to another adult making plans.

It doesn't fill one with confidence."

Surely that depends on what the relative safety of the plan was? Or do you think one parent should be able to veto anything a pre-teen/teenager wants to do, even if it is a perfectly sensible and normal thing for their age group, just because they can?

A 3 week trip to India is not the same thing as a walk to the shops. Or indeed as a train journey to Cleethorpes.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/08/2018 11:33

There's no rationality here. If the OP had a harmonious relationship with her MIL I doubt the OP would have an issue with her dc travelling to see her.

stayathomer · 22/08/2018 11:35

“Tbh mil could have arranged to meet them halfway or something“

You have noticed that one of these “children” is 18 years old?
Bertrand was more because the OP seems a bit nervous so they could have preempted this and helped a little

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:36

Why would the dc ask mum! They have had this arranged by adults and probably think it's all fine.

81Byerley · 22/08/2018 11:37

At 18 I was working in a childrens home with children under six, being responsible for six small children, writing rotas, supervising staff in the year below me, doing the cleaning, etc., etc. I was seventeen when I took one of the children home for a holiday, using three trains and a bus to get there. Your 18 year old is legally an adult. I can't see the problem.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 11:37

“I'm amazed anyone would think this is Normal and healthy.
Arranging holidays for young family members without running it past the other parent!!”

But the OP has raised no objections to the visit. Just to the travel.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 11:39

“Why would the dc ask mum! They have had this arranged by adults and probably think it's all fine.”

Oh, ffs, one of the dc is an adult too. And it is all fine!

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:40

It's the idea someone can't say no.

Op is lucky this has happened at these ages. We've seen much worse on here!

Mils with dangerous dogs they won't put out when gc visit wanting dc alone and the dh can't say no!

None of us usually want to hurt our dp feelings or make them feel inadequate, communicating is key. Being able to ask things and have chats is key to things being smooth.

If op and her Mil and dh all communicated maybe op could have said options.. Silly maybe. Ott maybe.. But we are all human. We all have foibles and are not perfect.

Op wouldn't be on here Moaning and worried if that could have happened.

blueskiesandforests · 22/08/2018 11:44

I got sent to fetch my grandmother on the train when I was 11. Grin Yorkshire to Dorset... It took all day.

She was an older grandmother but more importantly she had an elderly mindset long before she actually became elderly, and refused to visit unless accompanied on the train. I suppose my parents thought I had nothing more important to do and could therefore spend an entire long day sitting on trains.

Actually I didn't mind at all, I enjoyed the peace with a couple of novels away from younger siblings...

When I was 18 I spent 48 hours in the 3rd class carriage of a train across India (alone would be the wrong word for that journey, but I didn't know anyone else when I got into the train...), I guess I got a taste for long rail journeys Grin

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 11:45

Why would the dc ask mum! They have had this arranged by adults and probably think it's all fine

Oh I agree. I just wondered whether the OP was directing her anger anywhere other than at her MIL.

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 11:46

“It's the idea someone can't say no.”

But in this case there was no reason to say no. And, despite plenty of opportunity, the op has given no more information.

RayneDance · 22/08/2018 11:47

It doesn't matter if the 12 year old has a 100 strong team of specially trained militia going... To solely protect.

Mum wasn't asked or consulted.

Op in a strange way I think all the nicer posts explaining travel will hopefully make you feel better about this.

corythatwas · 22/08/2018 11:47

Nobody is saying someone can't say no. Obviously, every parent has a responsibility to say no to something that is dangerous and wrong. (To their 12yo child, that is; an 18yo obviously has to use their own discretion.)

What we are saying is, it is the responsibility of a parent of older children to encourage their independence and competence and not say no for random reasons. Worrying in case your 12yo and 18yo get tired by travelling for a few hours by train is not healthy. Trying to stop something they want to to do, and feel capable of doing, because you were made anxious by something that happened 13 years ago is not healthy.

We are not saying "you should never say no". We are saying "you should not say no in this instance". Not least because your solution of going by car is a good deal more dangerous than the proposed train solution. Your risk assessment is completely out.

(And I, at least, am also saying "it is interesting that a father who tries to keep his daughter less independent than the norm for her age groups because he feels anxious usually gets a very bad press on MN, but mothers, it seems, should be allowed to indulge their anxiety in a different way". )

BertrandRussell · 22/08/2018 11:49

“Mum wasn't asked or consulted.“

If the mother was making the plan do you think the father should have the right of veto?
.

blueskiesandforests · 22/08/2018 11:49

Your MIL might be an arse - people who really put dogs before grandchildren are, and they do exist.

As long as the dogs are not dangerous ones though a 12 year old will be fine.

A 12 year old can generally look after themselves with an 18 year old sensible sibling to fall back on in case of emergency.

Original poster
lilypoppet · 22/08/2018 11:51

MIL is 72. She was 18 when she had DH and when they split she got a solicitor where she worked to grant an injunction banning him from seeing his son then pretended another man she later married was his father. He is very messed up.about it and sees his real father often now, but it was years before he plucked up courage

OP posts: