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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... DH "needs 8 hours sleep", 2 week old baby

269 replies

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:38

AIBU?

My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work.

This has annoyed me because obviously DH has taken this straight to heart and doesn't help me at all with DS (2 weeks old) overnight anymore. We have never discussed this and it annoys me that DH wants all the benefits of a baby without the drawbacks (mainly sleepless nights).

He does not have a demanding job and his work place are very child friendly.

AIBU? I'm seriously annoyed!!!

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 21/08/2018 17:17

Hmm... i would say only if:

  • He takes the baby every morning at 5am before work so you can get some sleep.

  • He pulls his weight with the weekend overnights.

  • He shares the wok during his lunch hour - as a couple, you need to make sure that you both get fed and you both get a bit of a breather.

And when he finishes work (5pm?), he does everything* baby-related after that until he goes to bed (except breastfeed). You could balance this by sorting dinner or something non-baby related?

That might be reasonable. I've missed whether you're EBF? If so, he can get a lot more involved... :)

And is he going to be taking parental leave when (if?) you go back to work? Point out that whatever pattern he establishes now will be reflected back onto him when he takes over...

numberseven · 21/08/2018 17:19

Wouldn't do any night wakings because he's not very good at being woken up in the night.

Haha, my partner tried this. I was recovering from a very difficult c section, baby was cluster feeding, my blood pressure was high, I was up every hour - and he told me "but you see, I don't feel good if I don't get my sleep!" Confused

MusicalMouse · 21/08/2018 17:25

Your problem here is the mil. Remind your husband of his marriage vows...the bit about cleaving from parents!

MusicalMouse · 21/08/2018 17:36

We have three (not triplets!) and slept separately. I bf and coslept in the nursery, while DH was in our room. He got changes when he was home, did a tidy of the house every night (grudgingly), and prepares some meals. He took the older kids out at the weekends for at least a few hours to give me rest. I dong think we were 50:50 but I also didn’t expect to be (while on maternity leave). Once we are both working (and kids are older) then it’s more 50:50.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 21/08/2018 17:37

The problem is with both! MIL should keep her beak out and not have such shit ideas, but DH could easily have ignored her. It's nobody's fault but his own that he didn't.

MusicalMouse · 21/08/2018 17:56

True he needs to woman up.

SleepFreeZone · 21/08/2018 17:58

I did make sure that I took all the grunt work when it came to sleepless nights but that was because 1) I was breast feeding, 2) I wasn’t working, 3) he has MS so really needs to be as well rested as he can to do his job. 4) I’m healthy and strong and could cope (just, DS2 honestly had me on my knees).

rainbowstardrops · 21/08/2018 18:06

He works from home. He takes an hour for lunch and he needs 8 hours sleep.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers!
Sit him down and sort something that is fair on both of you!!!

badg3r · 21/08/2018 20:34

Although ours were BF, DH always did the change of nippy, settling if crying etc throughout the night, every night. As a result neither of us were massively hit with sleep deprivation. Your DP is bring massively unreasonable and needs to pull his finger out. In most situations looking after a baby is far more tiring than going to work.

TheChineseChicken · 21/08/2018 21:40

See, I don't get this. You're supposed to spend maternity leave knackered and sleep deprived because your other half needs to sleep for work. Then maternity leave ends and more often than not your child still wakes in the night, if not every night then for periods here and there. And lo and behold you're still expected to do the wake ups...

I actually find being sleep deprived is harder when I'm at home with DD as there's less outside stimulation. So I think it's bollocks that women have to do all night wakings when they're on maternity leave. My daughter was EBF but DH still helped by collecting her from the crib etc.

Anyway, rant over

geologyrocks · 21/08/2018 22:46

How did the chat go OP?

Original poster
Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 22:58

Initially he was very resistant and said he was sleeping in the spare room because he thought that's what I wanted Hmm but now he says he will do more...

He's bathed and changed DS tonight so I had a little break, and he watched DS so I could nap for an hour... (Though he has just annoyed me as I sit here with 1 very awake/cluster feeding baby by saying that he needs to go to bed to get some sleep because he's tired, having had 2 full night's with over 8 hours sleep Hmm)

I said it has really annoyed me that he is making decisions about our marriage with MIL ... That fell on deaf ears to be honest but at least some progress has been made!!

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/08/2018 23:07

You'll laugh at this, but I actually suggested that DH sleep in the spare room when DCs were tiny so he could get enough sleep! Later he moved back into our room, but I still did all the night feeds.

I thought it preferable that one of us wasn't sleep-deprived, plus I'm a lighter sleeper so would wake up anyway as soon as the baby stirred. I took them downstairs to feed/change and enjoyed that one-on-one time together at night.

He was v. supportive in other ways, plus I was studying so I could nap at odd times during the day. Maybe I was daft but it worked for us.Confused

Guienne · 21/08/2018 23:25

If he thought you wanted him to sleep in the spare room, how does he account for the fact that you haven't asked him to do so?

Womaningreen · 21/08/2018 23:39

Works from home and no commute? You tell him there's a schedule now.

As examples, if he's in bed at midnight, up at 8, he takes baby at 8. If he's at desk 9 - 5 with lunch hour - an HOUR?! - then he has baby that hour. Then for at least two, three hours evenings.

Adjust however suits. I get that his time online working is has to be protected and presume he has to meet deadlines and targets. But the rest of the time he should be parenting.

Holidayshopping · 21/08/2018 23:44

He thought you wanted him to sleep in the spare room?! Only you forgot to actually say it?

Is he normally such a good mind reader?

helacells · 21/08/2018 23:52

Of course he needs his sleep if he's not on paternity leave, how do you expect him to function and keep his job if he's been up every 2 hours? It won't be forever.

sophiec123 · 21/08/2018 23:59

It's been 2 weeks, give it time for it all to settle in his head. My partner is a chef and the first few weeks of our daughter being born were very testing. I sat him down and had a serious conversation with him and told him it's all making me resent him. I then decided to go about it all in a different way and got him really involved with everything, showing him how to bath her and going for little walks together with the pushchair. He did often go downstairs in the middle of the night to sleep on the sofa which made me feel really shit but once I had explained and we tried everything we could together to settle the baby it all fell into place. It's a big change and I think we as women sort of realise that a lot quicker than men, after all, we have carried and birthed the baby! It'll be stressful but put him to the back of your mind and make you and your baby you're priority! Sleep when the baby sleeps, even if it's 2pm! Forget the housework and dinner! Try white noise to settle the baby for a bit longer so you get a little more sleep! X

BlueBug45 · 22/08/2018 00:00

@helacells RTFT

The guy works from home so has no commute. Even if the job is stressful, which in this case it isn't he can parent his child outside work.

LeighaJ · 22/08/2018 00:37

@Holidayshopping

"Is he normally such a good mind reader?"

He actually sounds like a pretty shit mind reader. 😏

HelenaDove · 22/08/2018 00:57

BigBlue thats shit

i bet he will be on the Relationships board posting about his sexless marriage in the next couple of years

HelenaDove · 22/08/2018 01:13

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess Tue 21-Aug-18 15:39:25

"I can never quite understand how so many women don't challenge the notion peddled by lazy men that childcare is such hard work that they can't possibly be expected to do any on top of a "hard" day's work, yet it's OK for their partners to do it 24/7"

until it comes to seperation and divorce when they say their wives didnt work and were sat at home all day with the kids doing nothing.

Graphista · 22/08/2018 03:00

"He's got work" so? This is SUCH bullshit!

As if mothers are doing nothing in the day!

Op you need to talk to him and explain that you're BOTH parents now that parenting especially at the moment when baby is so young is VERY tiring so you BOTH need to pull your weight on parenting and that includes BOTH doing night wakings.

If you're bf obviously you do the feeds but there's NO reason he can't do his share of nappy changes, winding, cuddles, teething duty.

It wasn't mil's business to interfere BUT as always with in law issues you have a spouse problem really - he didn't HAVE to listen to her! In fact I'm really wondering if he hadn't 'primed' her to say it!

Chances are mil is round my age or not necessarily much older (46) in which case I'd genuinely be shocked if her husband hadn't done any night wakings with their DC. Even my dad (now in his 70's) did them. Both ex and my father were in the army when their DC were newborns - doesn't get much more demanding!

"My DH works from home so didn't even have to drive to work." Ffs! Absolutely NO excuse then!

Bigbluebubble - I seriously don't know why you've stayed.

"It's not an issue around modern parenthood. My DH did his fair share of night care over 30 years ago, and he wasn't in any way unusual. Why do people on here constantly assume that anyone over 50 was bringing up their children in the 1950s?" I too find this bewildering. As I said my dad did his share of broken nights and is now in his 70's, I was born '72 not '52! And mil is very unlikely to be very much older than me. Certainly not likely to be older than my parents! My grandparents (who DID have their kids in the '40's/50's) one grandad didn't do night wakings but he wasn't the greatest husband/father anyway, other grandad didn't do every night as he worked shifts so wasn't always there, but when he was there he did and depending on shifts he would do stuff on days off too.

"Do some men literally never talk to their friends or other men with children to find out how they cope?" Like calls to like. The type of men to think this is ok behaviour tend to have friends who think likewise.

HelenaDove · 22/08/2018 03:16

YY Graphista My now 82 year old dad was changing my nappies feeding/winding me in the early to mid 1970s

Goth237 · 22/08/2018 06:51

Sorry, OP, but I think YABVU. If your husband ends up doing a poor job at work because he's exhausted getting up in the nights (unnecessarily, IMO. Especially since you're breastfeeding.) and then loses his job, how will that leave you all? You're the SAHM and that's you're job. He has to go out to earn the money to support you and the baby.

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