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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... DH "needs 8 hours sleep", 2 week old baby

269 replies

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:38

AIBU?

My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work.

This has annoyed me because obviously DH has taken this straight to heart and doesn't help me at all with DS (2 weeks old) overnight anymore. We have never discussed this and it annoys me that DH wants all the benefits of a baby without the drawbacks (mainly sleepless nights).

He does not have a demanding job and his work place are very child friendly.

AIBU? I'm seriously annoyed!!!

OP posts:
Scotinoz · 21/08/2018 14:41

😂 8 hours sleep 😂 Tell him to get a grip, and get him to tell his mum the same.

Yes, when ours were tiny I did all the night feeds etc since I breastfed, so my husband did get a reasonable amount of sleep. But he did a lot of rocking and nappy changing in the middle of the night.

For what it's worth, our eldest starts school next month and still doesn't sleep all night. 8 hours is a rarity in our house!

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 14:42

nannycrumb

He works from home son can eat anytime at his desk!!

She’s not playing a long game he’s presumably gone back to work st his desk!

Are you a fathers 4 justice person my any chance Confused

firstworldproblems2018 · 21/08/2018 14:44

I haven’t RTFT but my view on this is I’m a bit on the fence. MIL shouldn’t be interfering AT ALL and this would really, really irritate me.

But, for the whole ‘you’re both parents, baby care should be shared etc’ it’s not black and white. My DH and I MASSIVELY fell out over this. Both our DC, but particularly our first, were high maintenance, tricky babies who cried a lot. I was firmly of the view with my first that DH should help me in the night. He claimed lack of sleep was making him less productive at work and he needed to sleep, my view was I was exhausted and physically drained (hideous emergency c section) and didn’t really get a break during the day because she cried so much.

It literally nearly broke us and so with my second we saved hard and got a little bit of help in which I know is a huge luxury and not something everyone can do. My DH still maintains that he’s working and needs sleep and so during the week getting up with babies is not fair. He would, to be fair, help at weekends. Although I hate to admit it, I can now, with the benefit of hindsight see his point. Sleep deprivation is so so hard and it is hard to work without sleep. Looking after a tiny baby with no sleep is also horrendous. I don’t know OP. I’m just very glad to be out of that stage now!

ishallwearsunflowers · 21/08/2018 14:44

Wow! This sort of male entitlement really gets on my nerves. Yes he's going to work but you're not exactly having a lie in until midday following an afternoon at the spa!

He needs to step up. I don't know how you're feeding but in my house this was the deal - I did the feed (bf) and then DH did the winding/rocking etc. He never once complained that he deserved more sleep than me and he would have got an earful if he had!

ishallwearsunflowers · 21/08/2018 14:45

*followed by

Original poster
Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 14:45

@nannyCrumb actually his lunch break is an hour... Longer than mine!!

OP posts:
Chipsahoy · 21/08/2018 14:46

During my Dh lunch breaks, he holds baby so I can eat. Even has taken him for a walk, when he cried a lot so I could have peace. He then ate his lunch at his desk.

That's no hardship for him. Iwas overwhelmed and needed support and rest

You are supposed to be a team. Your baby is two weeks old and really he needs to be doing a lot more right now. You need to recover. You've just given birth!

LeighaJ · 21/08/2018 14:48

Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and stop taking orders from his Mummy. 🤨

knicksfan · 21/08/2018 14:54

Your mil sounds like a tit

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 14:56

knicksfan

Agreed but it’s not her to blame is it? It’s the man we need to blame

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 14:57

He should take the baby during his ‘lunch hour’ so you can nap. He can eat later st his desk! That would b a start

Sofabitch · 21/08/2018 15:03

For me it's the unilateral decision that he has made...completely disregarding your feelings/ideas/opinion.

So the actual issue of sleep no sleep is a non issue. But his complete lack of respect for you as his parter is a big problem.

diddl · 21/08/2018 15:14

"Your mil sounds like a tit"

Yup-it's all her fault isn't it?

What a shame that he can't decide for himself & needs to be told what to do-although obviously not by Op!

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 21/08/2018 15:18

Mine hasn’t pooped (or needed changing) during the night since the first few weeks. He wakes, gets bf and dozes off while feeding.

Sure bigblue but even then it sounds like this wasn't the case in the first few weeks. I know people often get into the groove with bf and night feeds so they don't necessarily wake up, things like settling are easier, they don't shit as much etc but not very common with a newborn.

Also I breastfed so not a lot of point in him being awake too. Yes he could have changed a nappy but why have two people awake when it only needs one?

As has been explained already, to do some of the settling, winding and changing that might be required, thus meaning the breastfeeder gets a bit more sleep. If you were happy doing all of it that's fine, do what works best in your family, but OP is asking for DH to do something that will help her get more sleep.

It worries me OP that you didn't feel able to point out to them both what a fucking shit idea it was. Why not?

peachgreen · 21/08/2018 15:26

My DH had almost 4 months off after our DD was born because I had bad PND. As a result, he knows how hard it is being at home with her all day and openly admits that working is easier (he has a desk-based office job). We share the night wakings equally (to be fair, she usually sleeps through, but even when she's in a rough patch we do it) and both have one lie-in at the weekend. I think if more fathers got proper parental leave there would be a lot less of this "I have to work so I need 8 hours sleep" nonsense. The vast majority of non-manual jobs are perfectly doable on a disturbed night's sleep.

Theresnodisneyending · 21/08/2018 15:29

"This ridiculously old fashioned idea that the delicate little menz can't possibly work unless they've had 8 hours of sleep is utter shit"

This made me laugh so hard Grin, it's so true.

My husband does a job where he needs to be well rested, HOWEVER, he wasn't stupid enough to assume he would be able to get ANY decent amount of night sleep with a BABY/CHILD/FAMILY. He naps where he can, but otherwise - your husband is a fucking moron. Your MIL is a moron. I HATE IT when men think they deserve the priority in a household with a child that THEY helped created. FFS.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/08/2018 15:39

I can never quite understand how so many women don't challenge the notion peddled by lazy men that childcare is such hard work that they can't possibly be expected to do any on top of a "hard" day's work, yet it's OK for their partners to do it 24/7.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/08/2018 15:45

*Also I breastfed so not a lot of point in him being awake too. Yes he could have changed a nappy but why have two people awake when it only needs one?

As has been explained already, to do some of the settling, winding and changing that might be required, thus meaning the breastfeeder gets a bit more sleep. *

Well for us that would have meant a whole five minutes extra sleep for me IF I’d been able to get back to sleep WHILE DH was winding, and settling (IF nappy change was needed that was done before the feed). I’m not going to wake someone up just so I can maybe have 5 minutes extra!

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 21/08/2018 15:50

Which is perfectly fine and reasonable. But meanwhile those things only taking 5 minutes isn't sufficiently the norm with a newborn that people shouldn't be expected to understand it can take quite a lot longer. It seems not to have occurred to some of you that OP wanting DH to take over some of the night duties means it's likely she thinks she'd be able to get some benefit from him doing it.

PrimalLass · 21/08/2018 16:21

I find it unbelievable that in this day and age we haven't got past this idea that the woman is at home so should do all the night care for the baby.

I find it unbelievable that you don't understand other people make different choices. I can't see any advantage to making DP wake up then go to work (you know, to pay the bills) when I was the one doing the feeding and could be at home all day.

53rdWay · 21/08/2018 16:34

If he’s WFH and has an hour-long lunch break, he can nap and catch up on sleep then. I used to nap under my desk when I had my own office - he’s got an actual bed!

Quartz2208 · 21/08/2018 16:34

very few people NEED 8 hours sleep, many want it but you can survive without it.

I mean of course you can as that is what they both think you can do!

Ohyesiam · 21/08/2018 16:42

So does he always get 8 hours?
If he gets up at say 7 for work will he consistently be asleep by 11? Never a night out?
You could tell him you want to share it, and he can take over about 5 when you’ve done enough, or he could always do nappies/ winding at night.
If you co sleep you will lose much less sleep as they are right there with you and they don’t re settling.

FromNowOn · 21/08/2018 16:47

Helping you? Helping you?? because its just your baby? He’s a parent too and he needs to start fucking acting like it.

So far his life hasn’t changed in the slightest and he seems to only want to do the nice stuff. You need to stamp this out, now. You’re supposed to be a team. Not a single parent with a lodger.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/08/2018 17:04

Did he make any lunch for you, whilst he was at it?

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