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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... DH "needs 8 hours sleep", 2 week old baby

269 replies

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:38

AIBU?

My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work.

This has annoyed me because obviously DH has taken this straight to heart and doesn't help me at all with DS (2 weeks old) overnight anymore. We have never discussed this and it annoys me that DH wants all the benefits of a baby without the drawbacks (mainly sleepless nights).

He does not have a demanding job and his work place are very child friendly.

AIBU? I'm seriously annoyed!!!

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 21/08/2018 08:58

I don't see the point in both of you being knackered tbh, seems counter active. I do all the night feeds here even tho ff, but DP gets up with DS for the first AM feed & leaves me to sleep. If he's on earlies he takes over as soon as he is home so i can grab a few hours if i need. That way both of us are decently rested.

Does he pull his weight when he gets home? Or is this just an extension of him being a hands off dad? If it's the latter i can see why you're pissed. I'd be pissed regardless however about a) MIL being an interfering battleaxe and b) DH taking her word without even a conversation with you

Original poster
Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 09:00

@BigBlueBubble that is tough. That's how I feel I'll end up eventually.

My DH works from home so didn't even have to drive to work.

We've known each other 9 years, been married 5. I've always felt respected by him before but now I feel like he's a sexist knob. The 8 hours sleep issues and other comments about "helping me" in the evenings.... P*ING me off.

OP posts:
IhopeyoulikeNavantoo · 21/08/2018 09:00

In my house the person who is working doesn't get up at night but then I would expect DH to do it at the weekend (when I was on mat leave)

ShackUp · 21/08/2018 09:00

I BF and co-slept, did all the night wakings. It made me resent DH. He doesn't give me a break enough.

Write a list together and work out what's reasonable in terms of sharing baby/household tasks.

cantfindname · 21/08/2018 09:01

I had four children and did every single night with each of them.

The only part of your question that would annoy the hell out of me is MiL's involvement and the fact he is so weak-willed he still does as mummy tells him.

GinAfterBedtime · 21/08/2018 09:01

I think you need to nip this in the bud op.

Make it clear that you're not going to accept him moving into the spare room and that he is an equal parent to you - with the responsibilities that entails. Pick him up on it every time he tells you he's "helping" you.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 21/08/2018 09:02

I think you need to discuss it.

But fwiw, I did nights with both dcs and dh went into the spare room. With dc1 it was so he could go to work with a decent amount of sleep, with dc2 he took a month off and looked after dc1 during the day, so I did nights with the baby and slept in the day with the baby.

thecatsthecats · 21/08/2018 09:02

Our (pre parenthood) idea is that the working parent can handle one rough night midweek, provided they aren't doing something critical the next day or driving long distances.

The at home parent does Sunday, Monday, Weds and Thurs. The working parent does Tues, Fri, Saturday. We're splitting parental leave (not evenly), so we'll both get a share of it.

Pissedoffdotcom · 21/08/2018 09:02

Sorry...DH works from home

Is he taking the piss? That changes bloody everything

MairyHole · 21/08/2018 09:03

"My DH works from home so didn't even have to drive to work."

He is taking the fucking piss.

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 21/08/2018 09:04

With my first, I did the night waking a bit baby slept through at 4 months so it was fine. The weekend I would sleep in the spare room one night abs he would the second.
Now we have dd2 who just wants to be fed and held all night. I do the nights as on maternity leave abs husband working.
At 5am I give the baby to husband abs he gets up and brings her downstairs to sleep and I sleep until dd1 comes bounding in at 6.30.
You need to do whatever suits you as a family.

Dontknowwhatimdoing · 21/08/2018 09:04

How on earth have you not discussed this? It doesn't matter what anyone else, including MIL thinks, only what works for you and your DH. Time to sit down and work out who should do what between the two of you, before it ends up in a massive screaming row at 3 am.

diddl · 21/08/2018 09:04

"My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work."

Yeah right!

Is he not an adult capable of deciding for himself??

ZanyMobster · 21/08/2018 09:05

You seriously need to talk to him , WTF has it got to do with MIL. If he is office base and doesn't have a long commute (WFH clearly he doesn't) should mean he is able to help you. My DH did, after 7 weeks I was really struggling as DS1 didn't sleep at all so he helped as much as he could. We just survived as you do.

He is taking the piss and being a complete arse!

NinaMarieP · 21/08/2018 09:06

I did all night stuff from 4 weeks when my OH went back to work. He didn't have to get up until 7.30, 15 minute drive to work, finished at 4.30 and home before 5.

As soon as he went back to work he wanted to be in bed before 12 (I was going to bed at 9 or 10 if I could, allowing for clusterfeeds, and he would keep the baby until he went to bed) and he was easily having 8 hours sleep unless I'd had a really awful night and I'd ask him to take over around 6 so I could have an hour of sleep.

I don't know how long it lasted but definitely more than a month, maybe two, but by that point I was on my knees. He did a night feed each night at the weekend and was a fabulous hands on dad at other times but I would sob every morning when he left for work and just felt awful all the time.

So we had a talk and from then he went to bed with the baby and he would settle him until his first feed and we would swap then. So I could maybe sleep from 9.30-1 or 10-2 and it made a huge difference.

That maybe wouldn't work at 2 weeks but he could easily sleep in the same room as the baby for a few hours in the night between feeds and try settling him/her. Or change nappy and settle after a feed so you can go straight back down. Etc etc.

BigBlueBubble · 21/08/2018 09:07

Truthfully if it wasn’t for the baby I’d leave DH because he clearly doesn’t love me or care that I’m literally walking into walls and hallucinating due to lack of sleep. Been married for years and it’s only since we became parents that I’ve realised he doesn’t give a shit about me. It’s destroyed our relationship.

HushabyeMountainGoat · 21/08/2018 09:08

My DH helped whether he was working or not. It was a simple fact that DS went to sleep more quickly after feeds if DH settled him, as he could smell the milk from me. So i would feed, attempt to settle and then wake DH if he wasn't settling.

When we went onto bottles we alternated feeds, ensuring that every other night we would swap who got the dreaded 3am one.

Now DS sleeps through most nights we just take turns.

Working can be a break from looking after a baby. I would watch DH leave in nice clothes and nothing but his keys in his hand and just wish i could have a break from the groundhog baby days. My DS slept little and often as well which wasn't conducive to "sleep when the baby sleeps". He would just wake up as soon as i'd drifted off which was worse than if i'd just stayed awake.

DameSylvieKrin · 21/08/2018 09:09

Not only is staying at home with a baby exhausting, at extreme levels of tiredness you will be unable to safely take care of him or her.

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 09:09

he works from home

Ffs so no driving or having to look smart or meetings!!!! Er ok no that’s just tsking the piss op.

BigBlueBubble

What about weekends? Does he batch cook in the evenings? Clean etc

PrimalLass · 21/08/2018 09:09

I did all the nights. DP went to work and I didn't. As far as I'm concerned that's how it should be.

scrumplepaper · 21/08/2018 09:10

If you're EBF I can see why he doesn't get up at night because there's no point in both of you being awake. But I'd make sure at the weekends that he took the baby downstairs and worked with them to enable you to have a lie in and also did his fair share of baby wrangling in the evenings.

Just because he works from home doesn't mean his job isn't demanding - my job is no less demanding on the days I'm WFH, to be fair.

MIL should keep her nose out mind.

Cynderella · 21/08/2018 09:11

I was happy to do the night shift alone when I didn't get up for work but he used to take the baby downstairs as soon as he woke up (5am ish) for a couple of hours so I could sleep.

I didn't expect help at night because I caught up with sleep during the day. Much harder after the second one when the school run put paid to that.

Quartz2208 · 21/08/2018 09:12

Talk to him and tell him its not on and you need sleep too

PrimalLass · 21/08/2018 09:12

Oops I hadn't seen that he works from home. He needs to man up and not do what mummy tells him.

flumpybear · 21/08/2018 09:13

My husband and I had a sort of system that worked as he couldn't get up at night and I didn't trust him to be a good parent st night as he's awful when tired I went to bed early, around 8pm and he stayed up and did the last feed at midnight ish so by 2-3am I'd had a decent sleep when she woke up for more feeds.
Then during the day I'd snooze when she did and on DH days off I'd catch up with sleep too

We got a cleaner too - best thing I did lol