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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... DH "needs 8 hours sleep", 2 week old baby

269 replies

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:38

AIBU?

My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work.

This has annoyed me because obviously DH has taken this straight to heart and doesn't help me at all with DS (2 weeks old) overnight anymore. We have never discussed this and it annoys me that DH wants all the benefits of a baby without the drawbacks (mainly sleepless nights).

He does not have a demanding job and his work place are very child friendly.

AIBU? I'm seriously annoyed!!!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 21/08/2018 10:31

Tell him he has to help you at night at least at w/es, if not he can get his 8 hours sleep at home with Mummy

rainbowstardrops · 21/08/2018 10:33

Just sit down together and talk!!!!
Work out an arrangement that works for both of you.

nannyCrumb · 21/08/2018 10:36

@C8H10N4O2

Is that a confused face at the end of your reply?

Having had extended maternity leave the first time and then 3 weeks while DH had extended paternity leave the second, I've experienced both sides.

The 'poor old wimmin' stuff is tired and unintelligent. There's a massive difference between being at home with a child and going out to work with others. Part of being a SAHP is, well, the parenting.

Clear?

Ninjamilo · 21/08/2018 10:40

Don’t express this early on, it can affect your supply and cause nipple confusion.

If he works from home there’s no reason why he can’t help out more. I used to feed my daughter the husband would wind etc and put her back to slap.

Once he went back to work I did deal with everything myself as he has over an hours commute and works 12 hour shifts. He takes over when he gets I. And does bathrime, and helps out overnight at the weekend.

Parenting is about teamwork, I couldn’t do it all without his support, and it wouldn’t be fair to.

Tell the MIL to mind her own business and your husband to pull his weight!

53rdWay · 21/08/2018 10:41

There's a massive difference between being at home with a child and going out to work with others.

Depends on your job and your baby, surely? I have a pretty stressful job but I still found going back to work a lot easier than the grinding exhaustion of being at home with a baby that didn’t sleep and cried a lot.

If you have the kind of babies that make maternity leave a nice relaxing break, good for you, but it’s not a universal rule.

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:41

Is the op coming back?

LovesHisMummyReally · 21/08/2018 10:44

I used to think men who did this were bTards until I actually had a child and realised it was pointless us both being knackered and grumpy. My DH would sleep through then get up with babba at 7 and give me an hour or so lie in before he left for work. Quid pro quo.

Loopytiles · 21/08/2018 10:48

Some posters from the 50s today.

LovesHisMummyReally · 21/08/2018 10:50

Ninjamilo

Our experience was that if you want baby to bottle feed anytime soon you have to get in there early before they notice the difference. This was standard advice given by my MW and one of the best pieces of advice we got!

But I guess it can vary...........

BasicUsername · 21/08/2018 10:53

@apriljune12

I would blame his mother for sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

I would blame him for using what his mummy says as an excuse to shirk his responsibilities.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 21/08/2018 10:56

I’m going to go against the Mumsnet grain here but if one parent is not going out to work and the other is then the non working parent should do the nights when the other is working the next day.

I used to worry about DD waking DH in the night when she was a baby as he had a long drive to work, around two hours each way, and it would have been dangerous if he’d been tired.

With DS I was more relaxed as he had changed jobs and had a relatively easy train commute but I felt that he was working hard so that I could be at home so never expected him to deal with nights.

Also I breastfed so not a lot of point in him being awake too. Yes he could have changed a nappy but why have two people awake when it only needs one?

C8H10N4O2 · 21/08/2018 10:56

Having had extended maternity leave the first time and then 3 weeks while DH had extended paternity leave the second, I've experienced both sides.

Well lucky old you. When mine were babies there was no paternity leave. I worked throughout.

The baby is 2 weeks old, maternity leave is not some kind of holiday compared to WFH in a non physical job.

Working in an office after looking after a small baby day and night was a bloody rest cure.

Clear?

Deadringer · 21/08/2018 10:56

I agree with pp who said your mil is not the problem. She has made a suggestion and your dh has been quick to agree because it suits him. I wonder if she told him that he shouldn't attempt sex again until baby is at least two if he would listen to her, I doubt it.

Enko · 21/08/2018 10:57

OP I havent read the full thread about about 3 1/2 pages of replies..

the thing is. It doesn't matter what everyone else feels and what worked for everyone else.

This is not working for you...

This is the discussion you need to have with your dh.

Doesn't matter it work for him It is not working for you...

So as parents and partners you find a route that works for both of you.

For some that is the pattern you have (dh and I had that it worked for us - and we co slept) however dh would get up in the morning and deal with the kids until he had to go and then I could sleep for a few hours there.

What worked for MIL and FIL is irrelevant it just comes back to This is not working for you...

So talk to dh. Be a couple have a grown up conversation. He needs to come up with something that will aid and support your joint parenting.

I used to work as a BFC and when I did classes I almost always made the comment that " You will never go back to normal. Normal has changed.. so together you need to find the new normal that will work for you."

C8H10N4O2 · 21/08/2018 10:59

Part of being a SAHP is, well, the parenting

Oh and no, part of being a Parent is parenting. Being a SAHP doesn't mean you take on 24 hr care of children and household whilst the WOHP sods off for 8 hrs unbroken sleep every night. Especially at 2 weeks post natal when the DM would not even be medically fit to return to work in most cases.

Oh and I've never been a SAHP, I've just don't bash them either

Fang2468 · 21/08/2018 11:00

God, MIL needs to butt right out of your business. Talking about interference. I’d be inclined to tell her to fuck right off if she comes out with any more pearls like this.
You DH appears to be a complete piss taker too, you need to stop this right now and tell him he’s in this 50% too.

OutPinked · 21/08/2018 11:00

MIL can say what she wants, he doesn’t have to listen but he has and that speaks volumes.

Whilst you’re BFing there isn’t really much he can help with. It seems pointless him waking up purely to change a nappy then you still have to wake up to feed afterwards. I would give him his precious sleep provided you can have some during the day/a nap when he gets home from work.

At the weekends he should also let you have a lie in. Eventually you should feel confident enough with BFing to express and have enough milk for him to feed the baby. Until then it’s tricky. He definitely shouldn’t be in the spare room though!

anotherangel2 · 21/08/2018 11:01

Bullshit. What will happen when/if you go back to work? It is developmental normal for a child not to need their parents through the night until they are 7.

Bluelady · 21/08/2018 11:06

We worked on the basis that I could catch up on sleep during the day, he couldn't as he was at work. And there was no point in both of us having sleepless nights.

AngelsSins · 21/08/2018 11:06

Part of being a SAHP is, well, the parenting

Part of being a PARENT is parenting, you don’t get to obsolve yourself just because you have a job. How do you think single working mums cope?

I would hate to be woken up all through the night, I don’t think I could cope, so I decided not to have kids. He decided he would have kids, so he really should have thought about this situation before hand. It’s such a lack of respect for his wife too who is clearly struggling and not happy.

This is just another example of how men’s lives change so little when they have kids, whilst the woman’s life is turned upside down.

SassitudeandSparkle · 21/08/2018 11:10

I think going to the spare room is a bit extreme but there's no point in two of you being awake at night IMO especially if you are BF!

Loopytiles · 21/08/2018 11:16

So OP should do all the parenting (with some babies not just feeding) every night and early morning, potentially to the detriment of her health, safety and wellbeing? (And also the safety of her DC).

While her H is facilitated to maintain his beauty sleep routine for his ordinary desk job.

BewareOfDragons · 21/08/2018 11:25

I would sit him down and tell him he's married to you, not his mother. And in a lot of countries, like the states, women and men both go back to work within weeks of having a new baby because they have to. That fact of life doesn't mean the baby starts miraculously sleeping through the nights ... they both have to do their share of getting up to cater to baby AND get up and go to work.

He needs to help more. End of.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 21/08/2018 11:27

There's a massive difference between being at home with a child and going out to work with others.

Yes; going out to work is easier.

Cornishclio · 21/08/2018 11:29

Yes he needs to help and your MIL should stop interfering and he should tell her that. How much he helps and how depends on whether you are breast feeding or bottle feeding. I EBF my first DD and my husband did not get up at all to help which I accepted as he travelled a lot and drove hundreds of miles and often worked late. I partly fed my second DD by bottle who was a nightmare at night and of course had to get up in the morning with the toddler so he helped more then. My son in law helps my DD loads and they have a 4 month old and a 3 year old and I think my son in law goes to bed early and my DD stays up to do the late night feed. My son in law usually does the early morning one.

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