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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... DH "needs 8 hours sleep", 2 week old baby

269 replies

Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 08:38

AIBU?

My MIL has convinced my DH that he should sleep in the spare room to ensure he gets 8 hours uninterrupted sleep every night because he has work.

This has annoyed me because obviously DH has taken this straight to heart and doesn't help me at all with DS (2 weeks old) overnight anymore. We have never discussed this and it annoys me that DH wants all the benefits of a baby without the drawbacks (mainly sleepless nights).

He does not have a demanding job and his work place are very child friendly.

AIBU? I'm seriously annoyed!!!

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 21/08/2018 11:31

I did all the night stuff when my lo was a baby, it didn't make much sense us both being tired. I'd wake dh an hour and half before work and he’d take the baby so I could start the day with a nap. He helped when he got home too and I'd go for a nap when he got in. If he'd have been up in the night, he’d have struggled to help before and after work so to me it was better he be rested. If he's helping either side or work and weekends then I think it's reasonable he should get some sleep at night. If he's not helping outside work then he needs to start!

SassitudeandSparkle · 21/08/2018 11:39

potentially to the detriment of her health, safety and wellbeing?

Bit extreme Loopytiles, and I speak as someone who had a non-sleeper for years! There is not much sleep in early parenthood. I did all the nights even with FF, with BF there is no getting away from the OP being awake at some point. Her DH being awake isn't going to change that.

Myeastername · 21/08/2018 11:48

Guienne

Also, the MIL is a red herring here. She doesn't understand modern parenthood

It's not an issue around modern parenthood. My DH did his fair share of night care over 30 years ago, and he wasn't in any way unusual. Why do people on here constantly assume that anyone over 50 was bringing up their children in the

Completely agree with this. My dad was doing 'night duty' with me when I was a baby almost 60 years ago and FIL was just as hands on with Dh over 60 years ago. Now, whilst they may have in the minority back then, I really don't believe that Dh was in the minority when our own dcs came along, around 30 years ago.
It is not an age thing. It's an attitude thing. It doesn't really matter whether it is MILs attitude or not because it most certainly is OP S DH's . It is not helping out to take on your share of responsibility. Helping out is doing something that is not your responsibility and is over and above what you'd normally be doing.
I've already pm'd the OP, so won't repeat myself here, except to say that MIL should hang her head in shame and embarrassment at raising a child who would do easily seize upon an opportunity to duck out of his responsibilities. And the Dh should be thoroughly ashamed of himself for being so prepared to do as mummy says rather than look after his child. Shame on them both.

53rdWay · 21/08/2018 11:48

Lack of sleep can be really dangerous, though, especially if you might fall asleep holding the baby, or if you’re driving. Or even walking - I nearly walked straight out into traffic once because I was so brain-fogged with exhaustion I wasn’t thinking.

NameChangeCuddleBums · 21/08/2018 11:58

It sounds an awful situation with your MIL having such control over your husband.

My DH does do one of those demanding jobs but waking for a few minutes to change a nappy or settle a baby isn’t going to make him kill anyone; a lot of adults wake at night for the toilet or a drink anyway.

problembottom · 21/08/2018 11:59

Surely a lack of sleep is just as important for the mums who look after the baby in the day and drive the baby about? Is it not important that they're not so exhausted they might walk into traffic with the baby or crash the car? This guy works from home ffs.

53rdWay · 21/08/2018 12:00

That’s what I was saying problembottom!

BestBeforeYesterday · 21/08/2018 12:12

I did all night feeds initially because I didn't want us both to be exhausted. However, I started gradually reducing night feeds as early as 5 months, so DP took over some wakings. Once I had stopped bf, he started doing most night wakings - and DS1 was a godawful sleeper, so DP got his fair share of disrupted nights.
I am saying this because I don't think nights need to be split 50:50 at all times. I do think that both partners need to be looking out for each other though - if you are not coping, than he needs to step up!

Tiptopj · 21/08/2018 12:13

I also agree that you need to have a conversation with him about what you both feel is reasonable regarding helping at night. Personally, I did all of the night feeds while my DH slept in the spare room. This was my choice though for many reasons- he is a driver so I really wanted him alert and safe on the road, I also found he was far more 'useful' to me in evenings and on weekends because he hadn't had broken sleep so he had the energy to take over and give me a break and help with housework, I didn't feel there was much benefit to both of us being up unless ds was really unsettled. The biggest reason though was that I really enjoyed having just me and the baby in the bedroom. I felt like we were in our own private world where I could do what I needed to do without someone else giving their input. I could co sleep with baby without worrying about dh being in the bed as well.
Basicslly, If he really insists he needs his 8 hours then insist he helps a lot more the rest of the time

Original poster
Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 12:27

Thanks so much for your replies. It's really handy to know what other people have decided to do.

I'm really annoyed at DH, I feel patronised and undermined. I'm going to tell him tonight. I'll also mention the MIL minding her own business.

She announced in front of both DH and me that he should sleep in the spare room and I didn't feel like I could stand up for myself with both of them discussing what a wonderful idea it was.

I had to ask DH to take the baby for an hour last night because I felt overwhelmed with constant feeding/burping/changing/bathing/cuddling/trying to settle etc. He did take DS but only when I asked.

And I'm definitely addressing the "helping me" comments. Grrr.

With hindsight, we should have had this discussion before baby arrived.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 21/08/2018 12:30

I'd have him doing the 'early' shift so baby wakes, you feed then hand to DH and you go back to sleep for another 2/3 hours until next feed is needed. If he's wfh does he have some flexibility with start time?

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 21/08/2018 12:38

I have a 12 so. DH drives for a living so I was keen for him to get a good nights sleep.

We both agreed that he should sleep in our room and the baby and I in a different room. Monday to Friday.

As it was a conversation we had together we were very happy with the set up, but it didn’t last long, it was hard for him as he find he didn’t sleep very well bring away from us (woke up one night looking for the baby, looked on the floor, under the bed...) so now we’re all in one bed together, unless he has a big drive to do the next day.

I don’t know why I told you all that. I imagine your frustration really comes from the MiL putting her twopence in where it wasn’t invited!

Talith · 21/08/2018 12:45

He needs eight eight hours to be fit to work? You could argue you need eight hours to be in a fit state to keep a tiny newborn alive! Bit more important really!

The baby isn't going anywhere. Yes it's tiring. No he can't opt out of anything difficult.

Good luck with the chat. It takes time to get into a routine. If you're doing weekday nights there should be a couple of good lie ins at least for you at the weekend.

aperolspritzplease · 21/08/2018 12:55

DH slept in spare room Sunday - Thursday when DTs were small. He nearly fell asleep driving school kids to a fixture in the school mini bus and it scared the hell out of him.

I went to bed around 9, he stayed up and fed them at 1030pm and then slept from around 11-630 which. I went back to sleep with them after they were fed at 6.30 until around 9 so we all (mostly) got enough sleep. You need to find a routine that works for you and he quite frankly needs to man up especially as he is WFH.

nannyCrumb · 21/08/2018 13:03

@C8H10N4O2

The baby is 2 weeks old, maternity leave is not some kind of holiday compared to WFH in a non physical job.
Working in an office after looking after a small baby day and night was a bloody rest cure.

Clear?

No. It does't really make sense.

"Oh and I've never been a SAHP, I've just don't bash them either"

So, you're a man who's never been a SAHP but somehow think you know better than me; mother who has had 2 years off work as well as a very short leave.

Maybe mansplaining is a thing!

@AngelsSins

"How do you think single working mums cope?"

I don't know. I can't imagine and I think they're amazing. I think they're more impressive than couples because in the couple usually one focuses on su[pporting the family financially and the other focuses on feedings etc. Isn't that what I've advocated?

ImAIdoot · 21/08/2018 13:22

*Sorry...DHworks from home

Is he taking the piss? That changes bloody everything*

I'd say the "not a demanding job" changes things more. Working from home is seen by too many people as a form of holiday whether it's sahp or a job, some of the highest pressure jobs where I work are full time WFH (because remote stuff is our stock in trade), certainly being tired could have disastrous consequences for them.

Of course the lack of a commute should mean there is more time to support OP. @OP I would definitely start from a position of dividing downtime between you in what seems like a fair way and asking DH how he is going to make it happen for you. You BOTH need time off the clock.

53rdWay · 21/08/2018 13:23

in the couple usually one focuses on su[pporting the family financially and the other focuses on feedings etc.

This would have been an unfair way to think of it for couples like us, because my maternity pay in the early months was still greater than DH’s salary.

How we saw it: 9-to-5 (ish), his job was at work, my job was at home looking after the baby. Outside those hours, baby-care was split between us.

Would’ve been a bit unfair if he’d done 8 hours a day in an office and had 16 hours a day to rest, while I did 24 hours a day on baby duty.

Artichoke18 · 21/08/2018 13:43

Nannycrumb stop being an arse.
OP, this isn’t great but it’s a perfect opportunity to talk about fairness and make changes going forward. Think what would really help you. I would say something like “Getting a good sleep is a great idea, you’ll be able to have the baby from 9-11.30 pm and then get up with him from 6.30 to 9 every day, good plan MIl”

Original poster
Aw12345 · 21/08/2018 14:29

Waiting until tonight to have the chat... Just came out if office on his lunch... Hears baby screaming as I'm changing/cleaning him. DH eats lunch and wanders through when DS fed/changed/clean/winded/settled and says he wants to cuddle him for a minute before going back to work. Why didn't he help when something actually needed doing? Like 1 nappy change?

He can tell I'm seriously annoyed. Told him we can talk about it later.

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 21/08/2018 14:34

Sorry, but as he needs to go to work, albeit not a demanding job, you should be doing the night feeds during the week.

You should be sleeping during the day when the baby sleeps.

He can help at the weekend surely?

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 14:36

Yes a firm chat is needed op.

His life appears not go have changed!!?? Time it did!

nannyCrumb · 21/08/2018 14:38

"Why didn't he help when something actually needed doing?"

He was on his timed (short) lunch break. Food is a basic requirement.

"He can tell I'm seriously annoyed. Told him we can talk about it later."

Ah, you're playing the long passive aggressive game.

@53rdWay

but "baby duty" isn't 24/7.

Chipsahoy · 21/08/2018 14:38

My Dh works from home and my baby is 3 months. Also have two older dc. My Dh got up in the night with me whenever baby woke in the early weeks. He didn't want me bending and lifting whilst recovery from (a very easy and straight forward, no tears etc) birth. He would wind baby after a I bf and settle him.
By baby sleeps well yet he will still do any night time nappy changes( only change him now at night if he poops) and will always pick him up and put him back down.

Your Dh is taking the piss.

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 14:39

Exactly Artichoke you can both get some sleep with planning but he can’t swan off to bed at his usual time and his life not change.

And he should be doing loads of the hands on care or chores in the evening and weekend too.

Does he do that even op?

AldiAisleOfTat · 21/08/2018 14:40

Bullshit.
You are both working parents. This ridiculously old fashioned idea that the delicate little menz can't possibly work unless they've had 8 hours of sleep is utter shit.
You are keeping your child alive, and that frankly is the more important job. You need an arrangement where you both get a decent chunk of sleep. It's very sad to see the posters who devalue the job of STAHP by insisting it's fine that they're sleep deprived! If you are breast feeding 'D'H can be winding/ settling/ changing.