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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend

227 replies

chattybee · 21/08/2018 00:52

my dd is in year 9.

she is staying at my sister's house for a week which is 2 and a half hours away without me and dh.

dd is very close with my 10 yo niece (her cousin) since she used to live with us since my niece turned 7.

at 11 o'clock they both got sent to bed at the same time. dd phoned me and dh for 10 minutes before she went to bed to talk about what she did, how she's feeling, etc...

dd spoke quietly with her cousin for about 3 minutes and my sister's boyfriend went in and shouted at her, even though she was allowed to talk until half past.

she was sent to another room and she's not allowed to go back in that room for her entire visit! she texted me to say that she misses home and didn't really want to be alone (she's only just turned 13, 2 days ago).

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation - really don't want a fallout.

OP posts:
Barney72 · 22/08/2018 20:38

Last week I drove 300 miles round trip to drop DD (9) off at niece’s to stay for a week. DD was very excited to be stopping with her big cousin (niece is 36 with 2 DC of her own), had packed her case days before and couldn’t wait to set off in the morning. I’d been home 3 hours when niece called to say DD was sobbing her heart out because she was homesick and I was too far away from her. She had tried everything to calm DD down but nothing was working. So at 8pm, my niece put her in the car and I met them at a service station half way and brought DD home. She was in no danger, (my niece is a wonderful and caring person who loves DD dearly), but she DD scared and anxious and that was all that mattered. OP, if your DD wants to come home, please, please, please fetch her.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 22/08/2018 21:02

Not happening ☹️

Lizzie48 · 22/08/2018 21:11

I also really want to hear that the OP's DD has come home. Sadly, I suspect she's hidden the thread. Sad

There was just so much minimising from her, it was shocking. No one was saying that sexual abuse was necessarily happening, but it's very foolish to dismiss it as an impossibility. My DM never guessed that our F was doing that to my DSis and me (although we do have doubts about that sometimes).

At the very least there is emotional abuse and, I should think it's likely that there is DV. The OP herself says that her DSis has poor boundaries; I would say that she herself does too, after the abuse they themselves suffered in their childhood.

NotBeforeCoffee · 22/08/2018 21:18

You need to go to your daughter and stand up for her against this horrible aggressive man! Show her that it’s not ok for a man to treat her like that.

Whipsmart · 22/08/2018 21:22

OP titled this "AIBU to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend" apparently she just wanted lots of people to say "Of course YNBU hunni." she didn't think she'd have to actually get off her arse and make the epic journey of 2 and a half hours to parent her child.

CountessWindyBottom · 22/08/2018 21:55

The mind simply boggles. Firstly at even contemplating allowing your own child to go and stay in a shit show when she'd actually vocalised concerns about the boyfriend herself. Secondly, not jumping straight in the car for the 'two and a half hour journey' Confused to collect your child the moment she texted you saying she was frightened or worried.

I'm hoping your silence is indicative of you collecting your distressed child rather than just sulking because you evidently can't see the wood from the trees.

Duskqueen · 22/08/2018 23:01

For God's sakes go and get her!! What do you want her to remember that her mum came and got her when she was scared or that you left her in a situation where she was scared?

user1473460538 · 22/08/2018 23:07

unbelievable can’t believe
any parent would take the time to post this thread when her instincts are telling her she’s worried about her dd, as if she needs other opinions just get her home ffs.

user1473460538 · 22/08/2018 23:07

I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night

Shewhomustbeobeyed1 · 23/08/2018 00:26

Where are you OP????

toxic44 · 23/08/2018 00:37

'Forceful and intimidating'.. A shorter spelling is 'bully'. He must be really brave to shout to girls - a real man. NOT. Bring your girl home.

nailak · 23/08/2018 03:31

Seriously, has no one ever shouted at their kids because they are not going to sleep on time?
Sometimes if I'm tired and my daughter's are messing around when it's late, I'll tell them to go and sleep in seperate rooms.
If it was their cousin I would treat them the same way I treat my own children and do the same. It wouldn't mean I'm sexually abusing them, or I'm frightening them.

If my daughter was at her cousins house and was told to go and sleep in another room because they were messing around to me that would be acceptable. In different people's houses there are different rules.

Also after being told off a child is likely to be upset. That does not mean the child is unsafe or in danger. But if my child is in someone else's care I would expect that person to discipline my child and create boundaries. For example at my house my children go to bed late on weekends but if they are staying at my mum's they have to be in bed and be quiet earlier. My children are younger then 13 and understand that. The child may be exaggerating or telling the incident in a way that makes them look to be in the right, which is also normal for 13 year old girls. I would listen to the other side of the story, it may be that they thought they are talking quietly but they were loud, which is also done easily by children, or that the uncle had to get up early for work or something.

Nodnol · 23/08/2018 04:18

Nailak the OP said even she found the boyfriend aggressive. He has form for the behavior.

Bit different to yelling at your own kids. Which I can count on one hand the times I’ve done it. Over twenty years.

I hope the OP is enjoying her daughters time away, because the poor kid certainly isn’t.

tinstar · 23/08/2018 07:55

Nailak - you're missing the point ENTIRELY.

The op has sent her dd to stay with someone that she herself describes as rough, intimidating and forceful. It's not unusual for him to come home drunk and start shouting.

I agree that being told off at bedtime does not mean a child is unsafe or in danger. But the rest of it sure as hell does!

strawberrisc · 23/08/2018 09:04

Call me a snob but I would never, ever send my dd to such a chaotic household. She has already made so many bad choices and they seem to be ongoing. Get yourself off MN and go and get your dd. Jeez.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2018 09:32

Another one of those pointless threads...

Why do people bother when they refuse to answer questions?

Do they just like lighting the blue touchpaper and retreating to count the replies?

TheBlueDragonofIce · 23/08/2018 11:44

OP your child called you for help in a distressing situation that she couldn't get out of herself. You have declined to help her. What do you think will happen when she's a teen???

GET OFF MUMSNET AND GO AND GET YOUR DAUGHTER

ralfeesmum · 23/08/2018 13:49

This guy sounds bullying, aggressive and - dare I say - worryingly creepy.

Keep you child as far, far away from anyone remotely like him.

Eliza9917 · 23/08/2018 14:46

OP hasn't been back, I bet her daughter is still there.

optimusprimesmother · 23/08/2018 15:16

OP hasn't been back, I bet her daughter is still there

Course she is. She will be enjoying her child free time..

Troels · 23/08/2018 18:09

I was going the Op was busy driving to pick up her Dd so can't update

Troels · 23/08/2018 18:10

Hoping

MustShowDH · 23/08/2018 18:45

I think we've scared the OP away.

Hopefully we've all been overreacting and the DD is home safe.

ToftyAC · 23/08/2018 18:48

I would have spoken to my sister there & then after which I’d have got in my car, gone to collect her and given them a fucking piece of my mind!

Maisymoo22 · 24/08/2018 14:20

Did you remove your daughter from this abusive bully???