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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend

227 replies

chattybee · 21/08/2018 00:52

my dd is in year 9.

she is staying at my sister's house for a week which is 2 and a half hours away without me and dh.

dd is very close with my 10 yo niece (her cousin) since she used to live with us since my niece turned 7.

at 11 o'clock they both got sent to bed at the same time. dd phoned me and dh for 10 minutes before she went to bed to talk about what she did, how she's feeling, etc...

dd spoke quietly with her cousin for about 3 minutes and my sister's boyfriend went in and shouted at her, even though she was allowed to talk until half past.

she was sent to another room and she's not allowed to go back in that room for her entire visit! she texted me to say that she misses home and didn't really want to be alone (she's only just turned 13, 2 days ago).

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation - really don't want a fallout.

OP posts:
Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 12:19

What concerns me is he has just basically put her in a room by her self at night.

That’s a huge safeguarding issue for me and I’d be driving up there now to go and get her.

I was abused by an older Male in my family and I would never give any one else to the oppertunity to do that to one of my kids.

diddl · 21/08/2018 13:17

"What concerns me is he has just basically put her in a room by her self at night."

Well hopefully it was just to stop the two of them talking all night.

Presumably the niece sleeps alone & Op's daughter is 13 so should be OK with sleeping alone in a familiar house.

tinstar · 21/08/2018 13:28

Well hopefully it was just to stop the two of them talking all night.

Well obviously that's the most likely scenario. But worth taking the risk with someone who sounds unpleasant around?

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 13:50

diddle not sure why you C&P a small part of my post as the rest of it was relevant.

most parents presume their kids are going to be ok, doesn’t mean they are - otherwise there wouldn’t have been 63,000 cases of reported child sexual abuse in 2016/2017 which is obviously going to be higher in real life as such a high percentage do not report. 90% of these are by people they know. Like I was.

The boyfriend sounds like s knob and yeah - it would be a big concern for me.

Original poster
chattybee · 21/08/2018 14:16

Hi, my niece went to live with me because it's a long story-

When my sister was 14 my parents started mentally abusing her and then my mum left my dad - and my dad's girlfriend didn't like her so she came to live with us.

Then she got pregnant with a lad she met at a pub, only were together for 2 weeks.

She raised the daughter here with us until she was 7 and she went to live by herself, meeting 3 new dickheads and having 3 new children and then getting back together with the same lad that she had her first born with.

OP posts:
Original poster
chattybee · 21/08/2018 14:23

Hi, this is sort of my point.

Yes, sisters bf comes home drunk a few times and obviously shouts at the children. He has 4 of them himself and has never sexually abused them of thought of that in any way...

"Rough" sort of meant to me that he can get loud and a little frightening to the kids (not really to me).

But I've phoned my sister this morning to tell her why they've been separated and I'm a bit angry that he did that for an extremely poor reason.

She said she's going to speak to him at 3 o'clock (when they finish work, they work at close places and finish at the same time today).

OP posts:
diddl · 21/08/2018 14:28

I agree that separating the was an overreaction if things went as said by your daughter & they hadn't been asked/told to be quiet numerous times already.

Plus if your daughter isn't happy to sleep alone, will you be fetching her if that is insisted upon by him/them for the rest of her stay?

diddl · 21/08/2018 14:31

"diddle not sure why you C&P a small part of my post as the rest of it was relevant. "

No it wasn't as the implication was obvious.

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 14:38

And diddl? What’s your point ?

NynaeveSedai · 21/08/2018 14:39

@chattybee
Is this man emotionally abusive towards his own children, step children and to your sister?

diddl · 21/08/2018 14:42

"And diddl? What’s your point ?"

That there was no need for me to C&P your whole postConfused

tinstar · 21/08/2018 14:52

Yes, sisters bf comes home drunk a few times and obviously shouts at the children.

So your dd's still there?!

diddl · 21/08/2018 14:58

"Yes, sisters bf comes home drunk a few times and obviously shouts at the children."

Why obviously?

VincentVanGoughandhisear · 21/08/2018 15:03

Who's looking after the children if they are at work?

SparklyMagpie · 21/08/2018 15:20

Tbh if my child was scared an upset I'd be going to get him any time of night, but I wouldn't be sending him to go stay with someone who can be frightening anyway

If my sister put up with shit like that and allowed her daughter to put up with it, I wouldn't trust asking her to explain the situation. But that's me

I'd have had the girls and my sister come stay with me

Original poster
chattybee · 21/08/2018 15:22

Grandmother who lives 7 doors down looks after them

OP posts:
Original poster
chattybee · 21/08/2018 15:22

I meant he does come home drunk a few times AND he shouts at the girls (but not whilst drunk)

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 21/08/2018 15:23

Fuck that! Your sister's a mug for letting him shout at the children let alone anything else. Can't believe you've let your daughter stay there. What example is that setting?

Takfujimoto · 21/08/2018 15:26

So this man is the father of her first?
It's not clear from your posts but was she 14/15 when she became pregnant? If so how old was he?

I wouldn't be negotiating anything with him or my sister, I would however be collecting my daughter and offering to have my niece stay for a few days as well.
He has no right to treat your daughter like that and the fact he had no problem doing so and isolated your DD is worrying.

Please don't let her stay there again, he won't apologise or see he's done anything wrong and if he did become contrite I would worry that it's because he wants your DD to stay isolated and in his house.

SparklyMagpie · 21/08/2018 15:30

Can I just also ask, how on earth you expect this man to reason with you when he has no problem being a dick to children?

Absolutely baffles my mind so of the things I read on here

Fireworks91 · 21/08/2018 15:33

Fuck me. Why have you sent your child there? I'm completely baffled.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 21/08/2018 15:38

I can only reiterate what everyone else has said.
Bloody get her out of there!

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 21/08/2018 15:46

You can't know he's not sexually abusive that's a daft comment to make.

Your latest update makes it obvious that your sister has bad boundaries and asshole meter yet you're happy for her boyfriend to look after your daughter?

Sounds like your boundaries are a bit skewed too.

NorthernKnickers · 21/08/2018 15:48

It never ceases to astound me, some of the things I read on here! Why on Earth have you sent your child into this unholy, dysfunctional, shit-fest! And left her there even after it became clear she was scared??? Unbelievable!

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 21/08/2018 15:48

Your niece is 10 years old.
Your sister has had 3 children since your niece was 7 years old.
Your sister's current BF is your niece's father.
BF has 4 other children
How many children are living in your sister's house?