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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend

227 replies

chattybee · 21/08/2018 00:52

my dd is in year 9.

she is staying at my sister's house for a week which is 2 and a half hours away without me and dh.

dd is very close with my 10 yo niece (her cousin) since she used to live with us since my niece turned 7.

at 11 o'clock they both got sent to bed at the same time. dd phoned me and dh for 10 minutes before she went to bed to talk about what she did, how she's feeling, etc...

dd spoke quietly with her cousin for about 3 minutes and my sister's boyfriend went in and shouted at her, even though she was allowed to talk until half past.

she was sent to another room and she's not allowed to go back in that room for her entire visit! she texted me to say that she misses home and didn't really want to be alone (she's only just turned 13, 2 days ago).

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation - really don't want a fallout.

OP posts:
Aintnothingbutaheartache · 21/08/2018 15:53

High five to NorthernKnickers

Ginger1982 · 21/08/2018 16:57

You're just making this sound worse OP. What sort of mother are you? 🙄

tinstar · 21/08/2018 17:37

OP - I don't know how to do a link to it on my phone, but you had another thread recently about how traumatised your dd was by a teacher shouting at the class. You were very indignant about it though I think you acknowledged that the teacher was suffering from stress/mental illness.

And yet, knowing how upset your dd was on that occasion, you're happy to put her in the company of another volatile, shouty man - for a week.

So it's not okay for school to subject your dd to shouting but it is okay for you to?

Maybe the reason she reacted so badly in class was because the teacher triggered her fear of the other shouty man in her life?

Inniu · 21/08/2018 17:54

This is the guy who got your sister pregnant at 14? What age was he? What age are the other girls/ women he had children with?

Is the grandmother who minds them during the day you and your sisters mother who mentally abused your sister?

mumofone234 · 21/08/2018 20:03

Inniu - both very good points!

MarthasGinYard · 21/08/2018 20:12

Blimey after reading updates, I don't think I'd even want them looking after my yucca plant.

Excited0803 · 21/08/2018 20:19

I can't read any more, it's just getting worse and I dread hearing this thug was an adult when he got 14 year old sister pregnant. Please fetch your daughter home; she isn't happy and she isn't even safe. Your most important job is to protect her, please do it.

Nodnol · 21/08/2018 20:23

Ffs. Your updates trying to justify his behavior are horrible.

Don’t negotiate, GO AND GET YOUR CHILD.

Alpacanorange · 21/08/2018 20:23

If any of this is true, collect your child now!
“Boyfriend is abit rough” and you . Let. Her. Go! Ffs why ?

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 21/08/2018 20:31

I sincerely hope you’ve got your daughter out of that toxic situation?

Smurfy23 · 21/08/2018 20:48

I would go and get her and tear strips off the boyfriend when I was there. The man's a bully and needs to be told he can't get away with it.

Stillme1 · 21/08/2018 21:09

I have done a night's drive to get my DD out of a bad situation. It is not best outing but I did it to make my DD safe.
If I drive there I would be wanting to take DD DN and DS out of the situation. If there are other kids could you take them as well or get the grandmother to look after them until you could come back for them.
SS would rather kids were sharing beds than in the company of violent men. Think about it

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 21/08/2018 21:11

Dd home yet?

Putyourdamnshoeson · 21/08/2018 21:49

OP what age was he when he impregnated your sister who was then a year older than your DD is now?

I get that you are used to chaos so are normalising it. But nieve me, this situation is chaotic and not appropriate for any child, definitely not one who has a choice.

As awkward as it may feel, go and get your precious daughter. Please.

Shouldershrugger · 21/08/2018 21:55

I don't want mean to be judgemental but, I could never leave my child in that environment. Teaching discipline and intimidating are 2 different things. What ur sis's bf is doing is intimidation. I don't want to use the word bully, but it's up there. Only you have the right to raise your voice at your child. No one else. At the risk of sounding mean, your sis needs to grow a backbone.

WeightorWhite · 21/08/2018 22:03

YABU you've put your daughter in a massively vulnerable position!

Shame on you!

Flyme21 · 21/08/2018 22:10

Yep, you're letting your daughter down and instead of going to get her you're on here trying to justify yourself. Shame on you.

Beaverhausen · 21/08/2018 22:19

OP is obviously not going to fetch her hild who has asked to come home. No doubt it would me as op's plans up of whatever she has planned.

Personally the whole family needs investigating by ss, sounds extremely dysfunctional. Especially with a mother who is happy to leave her daughter in the company of a woman who has proven she does not make the best.life choice and a man who has a violent streak.

Beaverhausen · 21/08/2018 22:20

*child and mess up the plans she has for herself being child free.

SPR1107 · 21/08/2018 22:42

So... did you go get her?

Original poster
chattybee · 21/08/2018 23:49

No, she came to live with us at 14 but got her pregnant at 20.

OP posts:
Original poster
chattybee · 21/08/2018 23:52

BF has 4 children, 3 are full sisters 1 is half, the 3 live with their mother and the half sister lives with my sister and sisters 2 other children live with her, so 3 children live there.

OP posts:
Myfavouritechild · 21/08/2018 23:54

Did you go and get your child from this abusive situation?

Original poster
chattybee · 21/08/2018 23:56

Sisters boyfriend by any means is not a sexual abuser!

My sister got pregnant at 20 and moved in with us at 14.

Sister and boyfriend talked today and he said he shouted because they were talking and moved DD because he didn't want them to go to bed late.

OP posts:
MustShowDH · 22/08/2018 00:08

Why are you unable / unwilling to go and get your DD?

She needs you and if you go, she will remember you putting her first for a long time.....or not.

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