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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend

227 replies

chattybee · 21/08/2018 00:52

my dd is in year 9.

she is staying at my sister's house for a week which is 2 and a half hours away without me and dh.

dd is very close with my 10 yo niece (her cousin) since she used to live with us since my niece turned 7.

at 11 o'clock they both got sent to bed at the same time. dd phoned me and dh for 10 minutes before she went to bed to talk about what she did, how she's feeling, etc...

dd spoke quietly with her cousin for about 3 minutes and my sister's boyfriend went in and shouted at her, even though she was allowed to talk until half past.

she was sent to another room and she's not allowed to go back in that room for her entire visit! she texted me to say that she misses home and didn't really want to be alone (she's only just turned 13, 2 days ago).

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation - really don't want a fallout.

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 22/08/2018 00:26

Oh, well that’s OK then

Myfavouritechild · 22/08/2018 00:37

If that last diatribe was aimed at me, I said abusive meaning he was verbally abusive.

So the answer is No, you didn’t get your child and protect her.

afishnotabird · 22/08/2018 00:46

Does one of your sister's dc not live with her?

Putyourdamnshoeson · 22/08/2018 07:05

This is an awful thread. It's overwhelming response is that your child should not be subject to this man's mood swings and tirades of abuse. We've concluded this using information about him we have only been able to glean because you have provided it.

Now you are saying he's not abusive, etc. Won't pick up your child.

What did you want? Lots of responses saying 'oh, aren't some men bastards, but what can you do eh? Just the way it is.'

This is mumsnet, not nethuns. Hope that helps.

Raise your child to expect better. Better men are out there, in spades, and I say that as someone often derided as a man hating feminist. You need to show her that this isn't acceptable, won't be settled for.

ChangerChangerson · 22/08/2018 07:21

You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors but what you do know of is pretty fucking awful. God only knows what happens that you don't know about.

This bully is getting away with being (verbally) abusive and you're pretty much telling him it's ok by keeping your daughter there.

Oh and please stop banging on about how he isn't sexually abusive, like that is the only abuse that matters, wow, give the man a badge Angry.

Beaverhausen · 22/08/2018 07:30

He might not be a sexual abuser but he certain is abusive verbally!!! Stop making excuses OP.

Quartz2208 · 22/08/2018 07:34

First off you can’t say he isn’t a sexual abuser but you certainly can say he is verbally and emotionally abusive and has already abused your daughter by shouting and isolating her

OP I suspect your boundaries as to what is normal are also skewed by your upbringing but read this everyone is telling you your daughter needs to be collected so ask yourself why aren’t you

CocktailQueenie · 22/08/2018 07:44

Wow! Just read this thread and cannot believe that you have not collected your daughter, OP. Please have a good think about it as at the very least it will affect her boundaries. I grew up in a shouty household and even now in my forties any kind of loud noise or shouting makes me anxious.

Teaandcrisps · 22/08/2018 07:55

Why did you post in the first place OP?

You know that something's not right so it's really concerning that you are not going to do anything about it.

How is your daughter today?

Iwantyourmumtoo · 22/08/2018 08:00

How come you didn't listen to suggestions in your almost identical post a few days ago?

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/08/2018 08:55

I’m glad you’ve resolved this for the children Hmm. Different world and all that. I despair.

PerfectPenquins · 22/08/2018 10:56

You and your sister are both awful parents allowing this twat around the kids. Shouted because they are talking? Really? Yea scared kids are happy kids right?

Badtasteflump · 22/08/2018 10:59

Gawd this is the thread that just keeps on giving me nightmares. FFS.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 22/08/2018 11:04

I'd go get my daughter or at the very least go and see her and ask her (In private) how she is and if she wants to come home.

ZanyMobster · 22/08/2018 11:51

that is fine to move them if they had been asked on several occasions to be quiet but surely it is a huge overreaction to say it's for the rest of the stay rather than just that night. What have you agreed with them?

PurpleTrilby · 22/08/2018 12:17

This is why kids don't open up about abuse, they know the adults around them won't listen - or haven't listened. Happened to me, happening all the time to others, yet many people just put it in a box marked 'too hard' and leave their kids to deal with it alone. And if they do open up, you have to respond IMMEDIATELY and not leave it for them to tell someone else. It's the hardest thing in the world to report and if, like me, you tell your mum and she does nothing about it, you don't bother a second time, that is REALLY too hard. Then when it comes out years later, the adults either refuse to believe it (oh, he was never like that! Really, you were there every second, were you? You just know that man is okay? How? Paedos don't have a sign on their head), or blame you. Still, good luck with negotiating the rules for your own kids.

Optimusprimesmother · 22/08/2018 12:25

purple Flowers

It flabbergasts me also that adults are so wishywashy with their kids. Think they always think it will happen to some one else. Even in my friendship group five women (not including me) has been touched by sexual abuse by someone they knew, yet many posters on here sneer at people that express concern. Mind boggling.

Queenofthestress · 22/08/2018 12:39

I am so confused and I don't know if I've missed it, but if your sister has 4DC (niece & the 3 others) why do only two of the DC live with her?

Eliza9917 · 22/08/2018 12:46

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

YAVBU sending your daughter there knowing this. Go and collect her ffs. And maybe bring the cousin to stay at yours for some respite :( .

diddl · 22/08/2018 15:55

"and sisters 2 other children live with her,"

I thought that she had 3 other children?

DasPepe · 22/08/2018 17:41

Either this is a joke post or there is something wrong with you.

GO AND GET YOUR CHILD.

It doesn’t matter what has been agreed, niceties also do not matter.

You drive, park, go in and get your child and her belongings.
I don’t understand why people put children in these situations and then wonder when something happens.

He isn’t a nice man who suddenly shouted and it comes as a surprise. He is a liability. He is an accident waiting to happen. Would you let your child play near/ on a road. I hat do you think happens in these situations? Do you want to wait UNTIL someone isn’t worse happens?

We don’t need details of the past.

GET YOUR CHILD.

Pumpkinbell · 22/08/2018 17:42

Hope you have collected her but if not GO AND GET HER!!!!!!

Carol19578 · 22/08/2018 17:49

Why are you even on here and not picking her up she is a child you need to protect from feeling like she is.

Strongmummy · 22/08/2018 17:58

You probably know by now that you shouldn’t have sent her there and this guy is an arse hole.

However, there are some very hysterical responses here!!! The guy shouted and separated them. Unkind; yes. Disproportionate; yes. Abusive; no. I seriously doubt your daughter is in any imminent danger as some on here seem to think, but please do go and get her as she shouldn’t be exposed to this sort of “parenting”. Neither should your niece, but you can’t control that unfortunately

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 22/08/2018 18:13

At the smallest level your dd is unhappy and dosnt want to be there.
I’d be in the car going to get her faster than a nuns first curry