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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend

227 replies

chattybee · 21/08/2018 00:52

my dd is in year 9.

she is staying at my sister's house for a week which is 2 and a half hours away without me and dh.

dd is very close with my 10 yo niece (her cousin) since she used to live with us since my niece turned 7.

at 11 o'clock they both got sent to bed at the same time. dd phoned me and dh for 10 minutes before she went to bed to talk about what she did, how she's feeling, etc...

dd spoke quietly with her cousin for about 3 minutes and my sister's boyfriend went in and shouted at her, even though she was allowed to talk until half past.

she was sent to another room and she's not allowed to go back in that room for her entire visit! she texted me to say that she misses home and didn't really want to be alone (she's only just turned 13, 2 days ago).

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation - really don't want a fallout.

OP posts:
Turquoise123 · 22/08/2018 18:19

Hope this all works out- bring her home

Dilemmacentral · 22/08/2018 18:20

Op you actually come across as the worst offender in this whole sorry saga.

Why? Because YOU are the mother in this situation. YOU. The boyfriend sounds like a pig but ultimately he is nothing to your daughter and owes her nothing.

You however...

Lizzie48 · 22/08/2018 18:21

I wouldn't have let her stay there as you yourself find your DSis's bf intimidating, so how much more a 13 year old girl? From what you've said, your DSis has poor boundaries, and clearly she won't do anything to protect your DD or her own DC, as she stood by and let her bf intimidate her niece.

So yes, I also say that you should collect her today. You shouldn't let her be subjected to this man's behaviour.

Carriecakes80 · 22/08/2018 18:21

As everyone else has said. I would bloody walk it to get my kid back, but then, not to be mean, but wouldn't have left my child somewhere where there was anyone with that kind of temper anyway.

She's still a kid, and scared, so go get her :-) x

I'd then wait until my kid was safely in the car and tell this horrible bloke exactly what would happen to him if he shouted at members of my family, scaring them.

Dilemmacentral · 22/08/2018 18:24

Dozens of mothers are telling you that we are all horrified your daughter is spending a week with a man you both find intimidating etc and begging you to pick up. And yet...

MrsRonaldWeasley · 22/08/2018 18:28

I don’t understand why you sent your daughter there in the first place and I certainly don’t understand why on Earth she is still there!???

WomanWithAltitude · 22/08/2018 18:30

Another one who thinks you should bring her home. She's unhappy, and being bullied by this man.

And I cannot believe you would send her to stay with a man who 'can get a bit rough' in the first place. What kind of mother are you?!

minibabybel · 22/08/2018 18:35

Do you need support, Op? Is there anyone that can go with you if you are too worried to face him on your own? Please bring her and your niece back home tonight

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2018 18:37

Wtaf have i just read?

Get your child, what is wrong with you? You wanna teach her this shit is fine? Go and get your kid.

Beeziekn33ze · 22/08/2018 18:42

OP Please fetch your scared daughter.

Teen13nightmare · 22/08/2018 18:52

This has horrified me, A parents job is to protect and safe guard, this is not good you should collect your child. You may feel it's just once, but it will continue on every stay how would you feel if he was shouting at you, feel that then times millions then you get how your young child feels... collect her and enjoy the holidays. You sister should stand up and protect her children but I wonder how safe she is, if he can treat young kids in this manner what does your sister put up with????

MustShowDH · 22/08/2018 18:56

@minibabybel - I'm also wondering if the OP is scared of repercussions.

I asked upthread; what is the reason you are unable / unwilling to go and get her OP?

Even if you ignore all of the 'he's abusive' comments, you know she's unhappy and 'something' about the boyfriend doesn't sit right with you.

please update us when your DD is home. There are lots of people on this thread for whom the circumstances are bringing up bad memories and just want to know she is safe.

ChangerChangerson · 22/08/2018 19:05

I keep coming back to this thread hoping for an update to say the daughter is home and safe but there hasn't been one. I think this is the thread that has affected me most out of all those I've read over the years. It's just awful.

qazxc · 22/08/2018 19:20

Your sister's boyfriend and your sister clearly think it is acceptable to scream and scare children.
By leaving your DD there you are giving them a seal of approval and teaching your DD that you agree with boyfriend verbally abusing her.

Teeniemiff · 22/08/2018 19:22

I’ve not read every comment- is there no update?
I wondered why the nieve lived with them until she was 7 & didn’t live with her mom (any safeguarding concerns?? & whether the other children are ok.

unababy · 22/08/2018 19:23

Ditto. Go get her.

Lizzie48 · 22/08/2018 19:23

I agree, it's awful. It brings back memories of my own childhood. My DM says that she was always uncomfortable about how hard our abusive F smacked us, but she didn't protect us. She had a chance to discover the SA that was going on; she recognised something not right about one of our abusers, but didn't act, just told us not to annoy him by going to his room, when DSis and I knew very well he wanted us to. Then when he asked if he could visit us a few weeks later, she was uncomfortable when my F said yes, but still didn't put her foot down.

Feeling that something isn't right but not doing anything about it makes you as bad as the people who are actually abusing your children.

Bananas2018 · 22/08/2018 19:49

Alarms bells rang for me. Why on earth would he want to send her alone to another room, for the rest of the week? It’s easy to jump to conclusions but that sounds strange.

Go get your daughter ASAP!!!

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 22/08/2018 19:56

I’m afraid op is not listening.

ThatWhiteElephant · 22/08/2018 20:08

I’d be collecting my child ASAP!

Jeepy · 22/08/2018 20:15

Where is your sister? I hope she hasn't left them with this man. Having been sexually abused as a child by my mum's boyfriend, I am perhaps on high alert, but I wouldn't want her to be separated from the other child. It transpires my friend's mum had reservations about the guy, so he obviously gave off vibes that my own mum was oblivious to.

Use your instincts and teach your daughter to do the same , it will keep her safe.

My sister has crap taste in men too and it scares me. Eventually you get the call and they need help as he's obviously got anger issues. Also see if someone can have a confidential chat to find out if your niece is experiencing anything she shouldn't be.

crispysausagerolls · 22/08/2018 20:19

I am shocked and horrified that OP has not only NOT collected her daughter, but shows no signs of doing so. I too thought it was bloody weird to want to separate the girls. OP wtf are you playing at?!

Flowersandbirds · 22/08/2018 20:32

Are you mad? At best your daughter is feeling sad and vulnerable and you will show her that you have her back at all times. At worst she is going to be abused. The VAST majority of abuse occurs when a child knows their abuser. Go and get her immediately.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 22/08/2018 20:36

I keep popping back to this post in the hope that op has gone and got her poor, unhappy child.........☹️

CocktailQueenie · 22/08/2018 20:37

OP, we are all worried, please can you let us know that you have heeded our advice and that all is well?

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