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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend

227 replies

chattybee · 21/08/2018 00:52

my dd is in year 9.

she is staying at my sister's house for a week which is 2 and a half hours away without me and dh.

dd is very close with my 10 yo niece (her cousin) since she used to live with us since my niece turned 7.

at 11 o'clock they both got sent to bed at the same time. dd phoned me and dh for 10 minutes before she went to bed to talk about what she did, how she's feeling, etc...

dd spoke quietly with her cousin for about 3 minutes and my sister's boyfriend went in and shouted at her, even though she was allowed to talk until half past.

she was sent to another room and she's not allowed to go back in that room for her entire visit! she texted me to say that she misses home and didn't really want to be alone (she's only just turned 13, 2 days ago).

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation - really don't want a fallout.

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 21/08/2018 02:15

Well to be fair the OP is unlikely to hop in a car at 1am. We don’t know if she has other children or anything else that might prevent her. But yes, I would reconsider leaving her all week.

Katedotness1963 · 21/08/2018 02:21

I'd go and get her. No way would I put up with some stranger yelling at my kids and making them scared and uncomfortable.

tinstar · 21/08/2018 02:22

Amazed the op sent her there in the first place given her assessment of the bf.

If the OP's dd is being honest and they weren't making a lot of noise or ignoring repeated requests to be quiet, I'd wonder why he was so quick to banish her to a room on her own to be honest - and for the rest of the week. That would ring alarm bells for me.

I can see that it might not be possible or practical to set off on a 2.5 hour drive at this time of night, but I would go and collect dd in the morning.

ALongHardWinter · 21/08/2018 02:39

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Scrumptiousbears · 21/08/2018 04:16

I think the first thing you need to do it speak to your disinter and find out her take on what happened. The very nature of human (let alone kids) are to exaggerate in their favour. Once you have spoken to sister you can make a better judgment.

mywheatbagismybff · 21/08/2018 04:35

Go and get her. And tell the boyfriend to get to fuck.

Blondebakingmumma · 21/08/2018 05:13

I wouldn’t have sent her. Pick her up

flumpybear · 21/08/2018 05:19

He's a bully and in the wrong as they weren't being naughty - I'd go and get my child too and tell him and sister why - tell them you'd be happy to take niece home if she wants to go but he's been inappropriate

THEsonofaBITCH · 21/08/2018 05:34

Wow, nearly unanimous! Go get DD, and yes at 1am. If other kids, tuck them in the car they will sleep on the way, any other reason not to go - find a way around it! Now that its early morn, go now before traffic builds but Go Go Go!

DroningOn · 21/08/2018 06:04

Agreed, get in the car now, you'll be there by 8.30 and leave your sister in no doubt about why you're doing it.

She has a duty of care to your DD's wellbeing and she's completely failing to do it.

Must wonder why shit the boyfriend gives her though

Hercules12 · 21/08/2018 06:19

Op- are you used to men shouting and being aggressive? I wonder if you think this is normal and in some way acceptable. My father was intimidating and very shouty and even though my mum left him years ago, she feels I'm very lucky to have a dh who doesn't shout. Obviously I'm not.
I ask because it seems strange otherwise why you would send her in the first place. It's really not okay for this to happen and you need to get her and tell her why.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2018 06:38

I agree with pps to pick her up. Why did your niece live with you? It sounds like your dd isn’t the only child, who needs rescuing.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 21/08/2018 06:50

Oh dear god. I hope you're silent as you've gone to get your vulnerable child.

CrabbityRabbit · 21/08/2018 07:12

Have you gone to get her OP?

Why did niece live with you? Could you have her again?

trojanpony · 21/08/2018 07:22

Agree with everyone else.
Pick her up immediately and talk to her about behaviour she should not be willing to accept from men.

He sounds mildly abusive at best.

PipeTheFuckDown · 21/08/2018 07:28

Go and get both children. Ffs.

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2018 07:37

Hope you went to get her

Guienne · 21/08/2018 07:42

I agree with Scrumptious that OP needs to establish with her sister what actually happened. There's a lot of knee-jerk reaction on here.

Roadtrip2018 · 21/08/2018 07:45

Putting his aggression/shouting aside, why are you not questioning why he'd isolate her to a room on her own for the week? I'd be round there in a flash regardless of how long it takes.

Unfortunately I speak from experience yes I could be wrong and jumping the gun. But I'd rather be wrong and face the fall out than right and pick up the pieces.

AnoukSpirit · 21/08/2018 07:47

You sent your daughter to be looked after by an abusive bully. Why would you do this? If you don't stand up for her you are teaching her that being treated like that by a man is acceptable. It is not. Get in the fucking car and go get her.

This.

What on earth has happened in your life that you think this is normal, acceptable, and something your DD had to tolerate even though you saw he was bad enough to frighten her even with you there as back up?

I can't believe you witnessed her frightened of him and still sent her there on her own.

sexnotgender · 21/08/2018 07:49

There is absolutely no chance I would leave my daughter there.

Why is she there anyway?

Foodylicious · 21/08/2018 07:52

Hope you are up and on your way to get her OP

Foodylicious · 21/08/2018 07:54

Or your TH
Surely one of you can go

pickingdaisies · 21/08/2018 07:55

I think I'd be collecting daughter, and offering to take sister and niece too! Have you talked to your sister about her boyfriend? Is she afraid of him? Is she ok?

twoheaped · 21/08/2018 07:57

I'd be off to fetch her, sounds a nasty git.

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