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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed with sisters boyfriend

227 replies

chattybee · 21/08/2018 00:52

my dd is in year 9.

she is staying at my sister's house for a week which is 2 and a half hours away without me and dh.

dd is very close with my 10 yo niece (her cousin) since she used to live with us since my niece turned 7.

at 11 o'clock they both got sent to bed at the same time. dd phoned me and dh for 10 minutes before she went to bed to talk about what she did, how she's feeling, etc...

dd spoke quietly with her cousin for about 3 minutes and my sister's boyfriend went in and shouted at her, even though she was allowed to talk until half past.

she was sent to another room and she's not allowed to go back in that room for her entire visit! she texted me to say that she misses home and didn't really want to be alone (she's only just turned 13, 2 days ago).

i told my sister before she came that she wouldn't really want to be separated from her cousin and she was feeling a bit worried about her boyfriend who can get a bit rough...

aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation - really don't want a fallout.

OP posts:
Bobbybear10 · 21/08/2018 08:39

I would be very concerned he has separated the girls!
Especially as it was over such a small thing. It’s sounds highly suspicious that he wanted to separate them.

I really hope you have collected your DD.

Ginger1982 · 21/08/2018 08:41

Why have you not collected her?

livefornaps · 21/08/2018 08:44

??????

Backstabbath · 21/08/2018 08:49

It's not great he's separated them for something trivial but we now have more than one person suggesting it's suspicious for other reasons... calm the fuck down that's just fucking stupid and jumping to conclusions that you have absolutely nothing to go on. It's just going to upset and panic the op even more.

diddl · 21/08/2018 08:52

"aibu to call my sisters boyfriend tomorrow to try to negotiate and explain the situation"
Hmm

I find it odd that at 13 she's so worried about being alone-is that anything to do with him-has she stayed before?

At the end of the day though she has been forced into a situation that she's unhappy with & has no need to stay in.

Why did your neice used to live with you?

TriptychTwins · 21/08/2018 08:55

As an adult woman, I find being shouted at by a grown male intimidating.

You need to get your daughter home as soon as possible.

This man has overstepped so many boundaries I don't even know where to begin.

If he thinks shouting at a child that isn't even his is acceptable, what else does he consider to be normal?

Badtasteflump · 21/08/2018 08:57

Hopefully op has disappeared because she's gone to get her DD...

virtuousfantine · 21/08/2018 09:01

Did you pick her up? What does your DH think of the situation?

cantfindname · 21/08/2018 09:04

FGS go and get her and offer to have niece stay with you if they want time together.

And... never expect her to stay there again unless the foul BF leaves.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/08/2018 09:06

I'd wonder why he was so quick to banish her to a room on her own to be honest - and for the rest of the week. That would ring alarm bells for me.

This!!

I've had DSs friends sleep over and had to repeatedly tell them to pipe down but it never entered my head to separate them.

I think that's an odd thing to do even in circumstances where kids are being repeatedly noisy, but seems even more extreme at 11pm on a non-school night Hmm

I'm the least knee jerk reaction person around and I'm more likely to give people the benefit of doubt, but my first thought when I read the OPs first post was "why would he do that???"

I was thinking more about the cousin though and whether that now means she's in a room on her own.......

I wouldn't have jumped in the car at 1am but I would have rang DSis this morning, asked what happened and probably went and collected DD anyway as it's highly likely that if she is used to this kind of behaviour from him DSis would play it down anyway.

ZanyMobster · 21/08/2018 09:13

If they were 8 or 9 I may have considered separating them at 1130/12 so they could get some sleep but at 13 I wouldn't, as long as they weren't too loud I would just let them stay up till whenever if they didn't have school the next day.

He sounds awful, I would definitely call this morning and ask her to sort it, if she won't I would go and collect her, I would be pretty pissed off with DSis too if I'm honest

FarrahMoan · 21/08/2018 09:17

I'm kinda shocked by the strength of feeling on this post. Do none of you ever raise your voices at your children? I know I do, occasionally and when pushed to my limits and so does my DH. That doesn't make us abusive.
The comment about him being a bit rough is obviously worrying.
I wouldn't be jumping in my car until I'd spoken to my sister and understood both sides of the story. For all we know the bf didn't know they were allowed to chat till 11.30 and he was trying to sleep before an early start?

AlphabetSoupcon · 21/08/2018 09:19

Why didn’t he want them talking? What’s he done?

LeftRightCentre · 21/08/2018 09:19

I'm kind of shocked anyone who knows her sister's boyfriend is a bit rough, frightening and intimidating (the OP's own words here) would send her child to stay on her own anywhere near such a specimen.

KeiTeNgeNge · 21/08/2018 09:20

Please tell me you collected them

MarthasGinYard · 21/08/2018 09:22

TBH I agree

I think she was told to get some sleep. There may be different rules there.

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have sent your dd there if you had any doubt.

Blimey my DB is a bit rough around the edges, can shout loudly sometimes.

He is different to me

He is however not an abusive, violent abuser or peadiohile.

HuckfromScandal · 21/08/2018 09:23

Please say that,
Either, you exaggerated the initial post for effect, or
You’ve gone to collect her.

NotTheWayISeeIt · 21/08/2018 09:24

.

Quartz2208 · 21/08/2018 09:25

Go and get her

How long did your niece live with you for

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/08/2018 09:32

Hope you’ve gone to get her. Sounds a horrible man, she shouldn’t be subjected to this, and neither should your niece.

Backstabbath · 21/08/2018 10:26

MN hysterics at its best.

10 and 13 year old on phone after 11pm at night. Get shouted at and separated so they will sleep.

MN response: go get him now he's a peadophile.

Separating them for the whole visit is completely not on , but the op has stated she herself stayed there a few weeks ago and was obviously happy for her daughter to return.

Mentioning the word "rough" has sent everyone into a blind panic.

tinstar · 21/08/2018 11:37

Backstabbath - I don't think anyone said he is a paedophile. But some of us expressed our unease at putting the OP's dd in a separate room. Especially when he is described as intimidating and forceful.

I agree the "go, go, go!!!" texts in the middle of the night were overly dramatic, but there is much in the limited information supplied by the op to give some cause for concern.

Of course the OP's dd and niece could have been misbehaving for hours or exaggerating the boyfriend's reaction.

tinstar · 21/08/2018 11:40

Mentioning the word "rough" has sent everyone into a blind panic.

It was "intimidating" and "forceful" that concerned me.

TwistedStitch · 21/08/2018 11:42

The OP being happy to send her DD doesn't mean anything really. There are plenty of parents who make crappy decisions and aren't capable of safeguarding their children. The fact that the OP acknowledges he is frightening but is also anxious about not causing a fuss suggests she might be one of them.

Excited0803 · 21/08/2018 12:15

Not to mention "i wouldn't call him exactly violent" and "a little frightening". My child wouldn't be knowingly left with someone matching either of those descriptions!

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