To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

As a gambler in recovery it makes me really sad reading these comments. That I am written off for the rest of my life BUT they are all true. Especially if he is not serious about recovery.

He can't be using you to do all the work for him. That implies he is not ready to stop.

Previous posters are correct that you have to hit rock bottom before committing to recovery. He is the only one that knows if he has reached that point.

When I hit my rock bottom I told my husband, I told him to lock me out of all banking accounts, I self excluded and signed up to GamStop with him sat next to me, I contacted gamcare and arranged for counselling, I suggested he did the same, I gave him access to all credit reports that he can check whenever he wants.

I guess the difference is that I wanted to get better, never gamble again so put blocks in place to stop me whilst I had the counselling to understand why I gambled. In my experience of the gamcare forums there is usually and underlying reason and gambling is the output.

Husband can question me and check anything financial related etc because I have lost the right to be trusted. I have no issues with this whatsoever.

He also needs to accept that the money is gone, he will never get it back.

Can you live like this moving forward? It's completely your right to say no you can't

It's also your right to tell whomever you want. To give you whatever support you need.

@Juells that is exactly my experience.

Honestly OP, I would see a lawyer ASAP and legally seperate. Things could get worse before they get better and you don't want to go down with him as many pp have in this situation.

It sounds like you were happy before this happened (surviving 3 tears of infertility is no mean feat) so if it were me I would legally seperate and give him one chance to sort himself out. He needs to pay back the debt and get psychological help.

If he can do this then I would slowly consider getting back together.

It sounds like he earns circa £50k, so £37k after tax and his parents are close enough to move back there.

If he really buckles down he could pay back the debt in a year, he could take a weekend job to pay it down faster.

I expect you would prefer for both sets of parents to not know but I don't think that is an option as you're both going to need a lot if support.

Good luck, get legal advice asap

Yes I can’t help thinking if you kicked him out now and told everyone a lot of the debt could be cleared quickly along the lines that give has suggested - that’d show some real commitment as it sounds like you’ve given him a chance for many years already.

Sounds childish but change the wi-fi password and turn it off when you go to bed, you leave him in the house alone etc.

Oh and congratulations with your pregnancy!

Very wise to give yourself time to think, OP - nothing has to be done instantly or without deep thought

While you're doing it, though, I really would urge getting legal advice around exactly what you're liable for as things stand and how to avoid future exposure

I think your parents will probably know something is up OP.
Mine did, they said they'd always wondered why we were driving around in bangers, and never had the standard of living we should have had at over £100,000 a year.
Although I only found out his exact wage at the same time as the debt.
My Ex did stop gambling and we paid off the Debt.
It still ended with us, as I could not get over the wasted years and opportunity of the 7 years he hid it from us.
I kept seething with anger everytime I remembered having to go back early off maternity with DD1 because we were skint.
Seething with anger everytime I thought about not buying one of the kids a bed when it had springs coming up because we were skint.
Seething when if there was a leak, roof tiles would fall off, it was all on me, as all his money was being spent on gambling. Not having a new coat for years. Etc etc.
That killed all the respect and that was that.
I think your doing the right thing by asking him to leave, it shows him your serious. When the shock wears off, start to look at if he's telling you the full truth in regards to his salary, and if he has loans etc.

@Whatsmyname14 and good luck with your recovery. I have an addict in the family who is 3+ years free of their addiction and we love them (while hating what they've done).

It is possible to beat an addiction - drugs, gambling, alcohol etc. but you have to be totally committed to it.

This is my worst nightmare. Be strong and at no point think you are overreacting as this will have massive repercussions on the rest of your life.

Just thinking, OP - have you seen his online bank accounts? I would be going through them with a toothcomb - firstly to see who exactly he's paying (I'd particularly be looking at who he's paying straight after pay day) and then to see whether there's a pattern. Is he taking out cash every Friday night, for instance? If he's making payments to credit cards etc, you should see that the money is coming out from his current account. He will only be making minimum payments, so that would give you an idea of how much he owes there.

Wow at the myths being trotted out here. Let me clue you in a little.

1. Not all addicts hit rock bottom before recovery
2. Not all addicts lie
3. It is absolutely possible to recover from addiction
4. It is possible to be supportive of a partner with an addiction
5. It is very weak to ditch your partner the moment you discover they have a problem
6. Do you even know what love is?

Wow, just wow.

Not all addicts lie.

@picklepost, the OP has discovered that her husband has been lying and gambling for twelve years. She has to go back after maternity leave early because of him. I don't think your comments are helpful.

Oh come on you must admit that it would be very rare for a gambler not to lie however big or small that lie may be.

I did.

@picklepost I assume you are either a recovered addict or in a relationship with one. Unless you are either of those you really have no grounds for such statements.

Every addict I have known (yes, more than one) lies, manipulates and protects their addiction more than their own children.

It is possible to stay with an addict who is willing to get help, of course. But when questioning if people know what love is, sadly in this situation you have to love yourself and your children first and if that means leaving a relationship which has been totally eclipsed by addiction, so bloody be it.

1. It is very weak to ditch your partner the moment you discover they have a problem
2. Do you even know what love is?

Wow, just wow.

1. BULLSHIT, especially when your person or your security is threatened by someone's addiction.
2. You can't expect anyone to love you if you don't love yourself first, and you must always put love for your children ahead of any partner.

Wow, holy Denial Handmaiden Bollocks, Batman.

Not all addicts lie.
Yes they do. If they don't, they're not addicts. It's part of the disease.

My initial reasons for divorcing my ex was to separate myself from his debts and secure a home for me and the children. No gambling here but i subsequently discovered loads else.. and more huge debts.

You need to look after yourself and your baby. Because at the moment, he's not.

If its important, you could always remarry. With a bloody good prenup.

Sometimes someone can be such a liar that they lie without a second thought and would swear on their children's life (see that all the bloody time) that they are telling the truth.

Sounds like picklepost is one of those.

HNRFT, but my advice is to immediately get all the family cars transferred to your name and try to undo any joint finances you have. When the bailiffs come knocking you need to own everything - you are not the one in debt. If he does not immediately sign up to GA then you need to consider your marriage over. Sorry

I must admit I never lied before gambling. In fact I was the sensible boring one in my family.

As the addiction takes hold you don't think straight, the fog takes over and you start doing things you wouldn't normally. Like lying.

Once you stop the fog rescinds and you slowly get back to being you.

Mine gambling was a mad 18months, not sure how long years of gambling would take.

You have to want to recover. Does he?

The 2 hours a night sleep will soon come to and end.. and also, what's to say, this baby isn't the wake up call he needs

The 2 hours sleep might come to an end but a lifetime of guarding money is ahead if op stays.

I think rather than a wake up call it is more likely that op will be preoccupied with baby so won’t be policing her dh

What a selfish self centred idiot (him). And as for it not affecting you that is wishful thinking on his part - It does as you're having to carry him along and worry about how you'll afford things going forward as he isn't pulling his weight. He IS also putting you at financial risk. Even though debts are in his name, if he were to default and a creditor made him bankrupt, if you jointly own a property a trustee in bankruptcy would want your husband's share (to put into pot to pay creditors) even if it meant forcing the sale of the house.

I would leave if i were you OP. I could not micro manage someone to this extent

I also think he has likely gambled more than 20k