To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

And, the shame is not yours to feel OP.

You expected a normal, usual thing in marriage. Honesty, consideration, trustworthiness. Normal things that come with love.

You are not a fool. There is no shame in believing the person you married. You were lied to. The shame is entirely his.

He has misled your family, his family and friends. Not you.

I think you are doing the right thing.

I am appalled he wants to tell your father. Your family have been through enough and him dumping this on them will serve no useful purpose apart from making him feel better or unless he is expecting he can get your df to lend him the money.

Look after yourself and your baby and don’t get too stressed. We are all here for you.

OP, on the Gamblers' Anonymous site, there are 20 questions for a gambler to answer. These might give you some insight into what he's going through:

Q1: Do you lose time from work or school due to gambling?

Q2: Is gambling making your home life unhappy?

Q3: Is gambling affecting your reputation?

Q4: Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

Q5: Do you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?

Q6: Does gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

Q7: After losing do you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?

Q8: After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?

Q9: Do you often gamble until your last pound has gone?

Q10: Do you ever borrow to finance your gambling?

Q11: Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?

Q12: Are you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?

Q13: Does gambling make you careless of the welfare of your family?

Q14: Do you gamble longer than you had planned?

Q15: Do you ever gamble to escape worry or trouble?

Q16: Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

Q17: Does gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?

Q18: Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create an urge within you to gamble?

Q19: Do you have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?

Q20: Have you ever considered self-destruction as a result of your gambling?

You need their support more than anything else right now. They would be devastated to know that you are going through this alone

^THIS a thousand times over. Tell them immediately and get the elephant right out in the open. Tell a close friend or sibling but overwhelmingly tell your lovely parents.

I'd be absolutely gutted if I thought my kids couldn't turn to me in their hour of need, especially if it was done "to protect me".

Please talk to them. Your df shouldn't feel obliged to be your dp's friend and sounding busts in all this though if he doesn't want to. You will be his no 1 priority.

Board

He's probably hoping that your parents will bail him out. Do not do that. He needs to pay this off himself.

I'm afraid I couldn't be with a man who'd been lying to me for over a decade.

I agree with everyone saying to tell your parents. They will know that somethings is wrong anyway and although it will be upsetting, its easier than lying to them.

My guess is that they will have had their suspicions but not enough to say anything to you.

I also thinks it’s wrong that your H wants to use your father as his main support person. Your dad needs to be there for you, the baby and your mum. I expect he will be very VERY angry . It’s not fair to expect him to also be your husbands therapist.

It’s also very telling that your husband won’t speak to any of his friends. He’s not talking this seriously is he? Has he sought professional help yet or is at all hand wringing and asking you what to do?

I am so sorry that your husband has treated you like this and broken your heart. You have lost the man you loved and thats a terrible loss. Please give yourself time to grieve, amongst all the practical things that need to be done.

Your parents are there to support you not him.

Tell him to talk to his friends not your dad!

Tell your mum and dad that you're leaving him and not to engage with him if he contacts them.

I'm so sorry, OP, I think you're making the right decision. Sounds like you and baby will have a lovely home xx

picklepost

If you genuinely never ever lied, cheated, distorted the truth or manipulated, congratulations. You must have fallen within a vanishingly small proportion of addicts.

I also think op this man has taken too much from you now. He's let you step up financially whlist he sat and gambled his life away. He may be ill and it's an addiction, but it doesn't change what he's done or who he. Is. That's one shit lot of money he's gambled away.

I think uou need to get out, build a life for you and your child, and in time you will meet someone else. He will need to take responsibility for himself, his debt, and his problems. They should not be your problems, or your child's.

I also couldn't take responsibility to the level he wants you to, and you can never rest easy, you'd never know if he started again, you'd never know if it was all going to come crashing down. It's no way to live.

I'd also tell my parents, just explain that he is a gambling addict. Always has been and has gambled so much he's in debt to thr tune of at least twenty thousand pounds. They will support you.

@mysticpizza

You sound rather ignorant of facts around addiction. Like so many others on this thread. Keep pumping those myths...

I know nothing about gambling, but your sadness jumps off the page.
Please tell your parents, this situation is NOT a reflection on you. You haveacted maturely and sensibly whilst supporting your husband in clearing his uni debts (as you thought until now). There is no shame in trusting your husband at his word.

I have been in a very similar situation (not debt or gambling, but DH betrayed my trust). I didn’t tell my parents as there would be no going back in their opinion of him. I was too proud to ask for support. I only told one friend.
Unfortunately this means that I took on all of the stress, anxiety and hurt alone.
We are still together but I am broken, my self esteem is shot and I am a shadow of my former self.
Don’t be me. Keep your head up high and fight for a stable life and happy life with no dark corners for you and your baby.

I never reply to posts on MN but felt so sorry for you, OP, I had to.

I think you need to give yourself a few weeks to come to terms with what has happened. It is so easy for people who don't know you, or your husband, to just tell you to walk away.

For now try to focus on the positives in your life. You are going to have a baby, you have your heath, your career, your brilliant parents. All these things are massively important.

You will get through this. Maybe you will be able to work things out, only time will tell. But don't make any rash decisions.

Good luck.

OP, I'm sorry he's admitted to even more. Unfortunately it's very common for a gambling addict not to admit the full extent of the debt. Dh told me one figure and it turned out to be another £10+K on top.

I agree with pp's to let your parents know. You need support. Get it where you can. Don't hide it from anyone else who you feel needs to know. You haven't been stupid although I know feeling like a mug is yet another of the shit things about this. All you've done like the rest of us who have been there is put your trust in someone who should have had your back. Totally get what you mean about not wanting pity. To this day there are friends I've never told because I couldn't stand knowing they would gossip.

Don't let your parents be talked into paying it off for him. A clean slate gives them the green light to go right back where they left off. I can tell you this from bitter experience. Gambling addicts are disconnected from reality. They need to start connecting actions with consequences.

Get the credit reports from every agency. Lenders don't always report to all of them and one may have details the others don't. Noddle, Clearscore and Experian through money saving expert are all free and instant to sign up to.

Op

Tell your family they love you and this baby.

Tell your friends. The ones who love you will know what to do. There’s no place for pride (for want of a better word) in this situation you’re going to need people. Your friends will feel the same as you and you need them right now and into the future.

I honestly wish I could give you a rl hug - am so amazed by the way you’re handling this so calmly.

I think your future and your babies is going to be positive x

picklepost

I've lived day in day out with gambling addiction and the fallout for over ten years. I know far, far more than I would ever have believed I would have to learn or wanted to.

But don't listen. Just crack on with your own myths

I think that you need to talk to your parents. They are obviously very loving and caring and will be devestated if they feel that you weren't able to confide in them.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

Whether you decide to leave right now or want to see if you can get passed this, you really need to get some professional advice on your financial situation to protect you and your baby's future. Maybe GA can help with that even if your DH refuses to engage.

Good luck.

I'm so glad you've found your anger, OP, but sorry to hear he's lied yet again over the extent of the gambling; it was to be expected of course, but I'm sorry all the same

I totally agree with PPs that you need RL support in this - preferably from your parents, but if you find that impossible for now then a support group for gamblers' partners

There's one glaring omission from your latest posts, though ... nowhere have you mentioned that he's taken any real responsibility, far less suggested what HE plans to do about this

There's one glaring omission from your latest posts, though ... nowhere have you mentioned that he's taken any real responsibility, far less suggested what HE plans to do about this

You missed it, puzzled. He’s offered to put their finances in her name, promised he won’t do it again and said everything will be ok, he can handle it. And that he will take the OPs main support person for himself so he doesn’t have the embarrassment of telling his own friends or family .

See I’m angry at him and I don’t even know him

OP your post made me want to cry for you. That you've gone through so much to get this much wanted pregnancy and now have all this shit to deal with is incomprehensible.

But DO tell your parents. Tell them today. You need their love and support now more than ever, and his shame is not yours to hide. And your parents will be furious when they know you've tried to protect them from this, trust me.

And rather than focusing on your DH, focus on your little baby and keeping you well. Whether your marriage survives this or not, you have the greatest gift imaginable coming your way and that baby will have an amazing mum to look after them .

Rosemary no, that was before he admitted to even more gambling debt. I read all the garbage he came out with then (and mentioned the resentment it would cause) but I'm not seeing anything new now he's decided to "confess" to more

Though I also doubt whatever he's owned up to now will bear any relation to the true extent of it ...

Picklepost I go to a support group for relatives of addicts. Every single one has come in with tales of their addicted loved ones lying, manipulating, denying. You're the one peddling myths here.

Unless you have some solid scientific evidence in the form of peer reviewed research papers to link to, you need to stop telling tall tales.

Op, your DH has done you a favour by admitting that his gambling debt is bigger than he first told you. This is the real him. He lies even when he knows that his marriage is ending because of his addiction. You can’t trust anything he tells you about his finances.

The best thing you can do is get divorced before the baby arrives so that you have no financial link to him. He can still be a decent father after a divorce (if he stops gambling). Tell your close family and friends what is going on. As pp have said, they are probably already wondering why your lifestyle doesn’t match your joint income. The people who really care about you will want to look after you. It’s important that they know before DH tries to borrow money from them.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s a horrible situation to be in.