To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

If

If he goes to counselling and gives full disclosure on debt and your debt management and future finance mgt. Maybe you can work through this?

However I think a short separation is in need.

You’re being so brave.

Tell as many people as you can. It’ll set you free.

It’s not your shame to hide

He wants to offload to your dad? Hes your father not his I agree with PPs He wants to tap your dad for a loan.

And i think the reason he doesnt want to confide in his friends is because he already knows what they will say.

"You have a lovely wife like Conflicted and a baby on the way and youve fucked it up. You bloody idiot" He knows they will say something along these lines.

He still does NOT want to OWN HIS SHIT!

Yes, I second/third/millionth that he should NOT talk to your dad! That support is for you and you alone.

It's complete bullshit that he wants 'support', he wants to try and get your dad on his side by playing on his sympathy. Sounds as if your dad is a good, kind man who would have a hard time telling him to 'get tae fuck'. It's not right for him to put your dad in the position of feeling he has to be 'kind' in the face of your DH's histrionic 'confession'.

However good the relationship between DF and DH, I would think the majority of fathers would be furious to find out that so much money had been wasted and their DD had been treated so appallingly.

So sorry, OP, family member did this to his wife. They are now divorcing, due (he says) to his wife’s infidelity. It’s awful to say it, but I am doubtful about everything that comes out of his mouth, and I can’t soeak to his wife to get her take on it out of loyalty towards him if she HAS done the dirty on him. Plus it’s DH’s side of the family so not my business really.

I don’t trust him entirely although he is essentially a nice bloke. I am wary of him coming asking for money as I received an inheritance recently and he is aware of this. I have made sure most of it is inaccessible so that we would not be telling any lies if he approaches asking to borrow money. I have told DH that he can lend his own money if he wants but he would be stupid to do so as this man’s parents already bailed him out in the past and the next thing he was booking an expensive family holiday. If that was me I would not be going anywhere until I had paid my debts back.

Sorry did the waffle, but I just wanted to show that it can have a much wider impact that just a spouse. Others in the family once they find out will be very wary of him, May hate the stress he causes you, and relations will be strained with other people.

I did want to ask though, a couple of people have mentioned that they know of someone who has remortgaged the house without their spouse’s knowledge then ended up losing the house. How is thT even possible if a house is jointly owned? Do banks not make proper checks when only one owner applies for a mortgage to raise money? Are the gamblers able to forge their spouse’s signature on a mortgage application?

I'm a 58 year old mum of 2. I have a 5 year old granddaughter, from my daughter, and a grandbit currently cooking from my son (well his lovely wife really). We are a very close and supportive family.
If either of my kids was facing with a situation like this and didn't tell me straightaway I would feel awful. I'd wonder what kind of self-absorbed, uncaring vibe I'd been putting out there lately.

Thankfully I don't think would ever happen. A few years ago, when my daughter discovered after 10 years of marriage, that her previously perfect husband was in fact a lying cheating scumbag, happily we were her first call.

Please tell your parents straight away.

Do banks not make proper checks when only one owner applies for a mortgage to raise money?

I can't speak for how it's done in the UK, but we recently took out a small home equity loan (house is free of other debt) that's essentially a mortgage. We both had to go to the closing and show proper photo ID, then sign the papers in front of the bank officer.

My dad was like this.

My mum found out and took control of the finances. She cleared a good proportion of the debts in a few months.

He resented her for it so much though that he started having affairs.

When she confronted him about this he hit her so hard he cracked one of her back teeth.

She picked me up out of my cot and ran out into the night.

Then started a tremendously acrimonious divorce.

The family home was lost to his debts. The house that was bought as a home as part of the divorce settlement had a secret second mortgage raised against it. That was eventually lost too after years of fighting a bank repossession after he went bankrupt. He stopped paying child support when I was little and rolled those debts into the bankruptcy too.

He spread horrendous lies about my mum to cover his tracks. That she had an affair with the GP. That his bankruptcy was due to the fact she took all his money.

He made his child and the mother of his child homeless twice.

This is an utterly pernicious addiction and it blights lives.

"So sorry, OP, family member did this to his wife. They are now divorcing, due (he says) to his wife’s infidelity"

Even if the guy in this case isnt lying ...............if she DID have an affair it could be because she turned to someone else for support after what he did.

im guessing he doesnt want to face that possibility though.

God op, I really feel for you . I think regardless of what you choose to do in the medium term, you absolutely need to separate your finances asap in order to protect your baby's financial security. He may recover ( some people manage it) but you can't take that chance with a baby to think about. I'd legally separate asap and then decide if you want to stay together as partners instead of Husband and wife. At least then if he relapses you wouldn't be liable

Bertrand

do you see him at all now or have you gone NC

The only way to ever gain your financial security back is to divorce him.

Thanks Helena.

NC from age 8 to 32. Then 2 or 3 months of contact. Realised he hadn’t changed at all. NC again. He died last year. His step daughter contacted me to try to get me to see him. I nearly did, but then she made some offhand comment about me not being to blame for my mother’s sins and I realised he was still peddling all his lies.

Christ Bertrand ..................men seem to get automatically believed while women are automatically disbelieved.

He was a very convincing liar to be fair. And very handsome so women often wanted to believe him to boot.

I could tell when he was lying to me when we met up again. But just on an intuitive level. Maybe something to do with being related and being able to pick up on non-verbal cues.

OP. If you really are considering ending the marriage then please do go see a solicitor ASAP. You will need a Deed of Separation so that all of his debts (and anything he continues to gamble) cannot be claimed from you. You are married and debts are joint so he could gamble away hundreds of thousands and you’d have to pay, this is very serious. Go get legal advice ASAP. Plus do not believe the “ I will never do it again” crap. He will unless he 1) declares himself bankrupt so he can’t get credit cards and 2) goes into an intensive gamblers addiction program right now. Even if he does those things you must separate your finances. Solicitor will help you.

I really do hope that you will tell your lovely parents. It is vitally important that they hear about this from you, rather than your husband. It may be that he will tell your father before you do, and as other have suggested, possibly try to inveigle some money from him. They will not want you going through this alone. My ex was an addict, as soon as I discovered the extent of it I told my wonderful parents, and from that day they supported me and helped me rebuild my life. For me, once the extent of the lying became apparent I just asked myself 'can I spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder?' and came to the obvious conclusion. Not least because I knew I had to protect my lovely, innocent little daughter and not have her life blighted as well as mine. I still feel bitter that he stole those precious early years with my daughter from me, because I was totally pre-occupied and our life was blighted by the extreme worry and stress. Once I was divorced it was a joy to be able to relax and enjoy being a mother. (She is my only child). Because our finances were separate, the situation did not affect me too much financially in the end. You are a strong woman, and you know you deserve better. You will have help and support to get over the initial heartbreak. You deserve so much better and have all the qualities necessary to successfully rebuild your life. I would urge you to leave him.

You mentioned that he still wants to pay off his debts. Well if all of the finances are put under your name then surely it'll be you sorting that out? I really wouldn't let him have any money that you don't know exactly where it's going to. He has shown that he can't be trusted to look after his own finances- his addiction is too strong- and he does definitely need some professional help.

I think, if you intend to stay with him, it would be wise for you both to get therapy. CBT is useful for many things and I think it would be helpful for you to seek couples therapy.

I was there (not pregnant but have since been through failed Ivf) so understand most of what you’re going through.

The lying, the manipulation. The £100,000 debt which I only found out about through Experian when I completed a credit report on his details.

My advice:

1. Credit report on you both, now. (Yes both of you - XH had also fraudulently taken loans in my name). You need to know what you’re dealing with ASAP.

1. Tell your parents. It’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do but it’s better for everyone that you do.

1. Get thee to a solicitor. I got a minute to tide us over until divorce which stated that we were each responsible for debts and savings in our own names. He signed it when in his remorseful stage - so please please do this now while he still is.

All the very best OP. You sound amazing and you will come through this.

His actions aren't a reflection on how much he respects you. He can't help it. He has an addiction. And I'm not defending what he did, but it really isn't about you (not in a horrible way. If that makes sense).

*minute of agreement - it’s a Scottish document but I presume there’s an English equivalent.

I'd add that when the dust has settled a bit I'd advise you getting some therapy for yourself to see why you were reluctant to ask awkward questions about your family income in the intervening years, knowing he'd had an issue with this at uni.

The one thing about OP confiding in her lovely parents.....

they sound so lovely that to ease the burden and stress on you they may just offer to pay the debt back so that you can wipe the slate clean. And of course even if you ask them not to there is always the small possibility that they may give the money directly to him in secret to pay off the debt himself. Especially if he and your dad are fairly close. And if you found out later they’d done that and he began gambling again....

If they don’t already know how gambling addiction works you’d have to make it very clear to them that the very very worst thing they can do is give him money.

There is also the possibility that your husband will resent YOU for refusing to accept any offered money to pay off debts (if he knows they have offered)

And then there is the possibility that they will say the stress of knowing he is in such debt (and knowing their daughter is under the same stress because of it) is too much to bear and that you’re unreasonable not to accept money from them to ease their own stress. Emotional blackmail. Would put you in an awful position.

This is what I was saying earlier, your husvand’s shitty behaviour affects relationships much wider than that of yours and his.

I thought at first that you should tell your parents, OP. But thinking about it I don’t think it’s as clear cut than that. I can totally see why you’re in turmoil. However, on reflection there is the danger that he would approach them himself in secret for money and they would be tricked into doing it so I think the only thing is to be open and transparent with them but not necessarily tell them all the details.

Eg “H is a gambling addict, I have been shocked to find out. We have a plan to deal with the debt so please try not to worry and definitely do not give him money (give them a leaflet from GamAnon maybe). I may or not stay with him but he is not the man I thought And I would value your emotional support as my parents.”