To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

First things first. If your staying with him put house in your name only if you can get a mortgage on your own. Make sure you are the legal owner and keeper of any car. Put all household bills in your name from your account.

He need to go to GA. If you want to stay with him I would insist h can't have credit cards or anything beyond basic account - then he can't online gamble. I'd want access to his online banking and be checking his credit report weekly

The comments about your credit score are not necessarily true, my DH is just rubbish at paying ok time low credit score, mine is high but I’ve made sure we have nothing linked

Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am a gambling addict, I have been an addict for over twenty years although have finally reached 500 days gamble free.

I've skim read some of the replies above and they all appear very well intention however there is also a lot of 'dangerous' advice. I would 100% recommend that you visit gamcare, there are some great support options there and you can access trained people.

Please, no-one take offense by me saying that. I am an addict, I am devious, deceitful, I have damaged my health, mentally and physically through gambling, it has a direct and indirect impact on all those around me. I also know what lengths I have gone to in my efforts to hide or cover up my addiction, things I would never have dreamed of and yes I have a life similar to that the OP describes.

I have namechanged for this post but have been on mn for a while, I am one of those strange men that pops up here, I joined as I was reading and seeking some relationship advice, on the back of my addiction - I realised how manipulative I had become and regularly read on here and try and identify signs of where and when I might be trying to manipulate those around me - I write this for transparency

anyway, immediate actions:

Visit Gamcare
Obtain copies of all credit reports for both of you, set up alerts that come to you, on a device your OH cannot access
Ask him to write down every log in information he has, emails, phones, bank, credit cards etc etc - buy a safe for £25 and lock all this information inside
Give yourself time - you don't need to make a decision on your marriage right now, it's actually one of your lowest priorities right now
Monitor your DH's actions, not words - sadly for the foreseeable future you must not believe a word your dh says in regards finances
DO NOT bail him out
Do not allow yourself to be manipulated

if you do visit gamcare, look out for advice from the following posters, Lethe, Cynical Wife, Merry Go Round and ODAAT, you will usually find them if you post under the family and friends section and they are amazing at succinctly giving advice based on their own experiences

once again I'm sorry you are facing this

My friends dh gets his wages paid into an account in his wife's name then she transfers enough to cover hos debts to his account and then hand him cash each week as his spending money. She says baby steps

DO NOT TAKE ON HIS DEBTS OR PAY THEM

If you're married and you leave him he gets half of your savings and you get half of his debt. So in those terms, you would be not better of financially.
I wouldn't leave my DP if he had a gambling addiction and he was willing to deal and work with me and professionals to control it. But I know people who would and view it the same as cheating or any other deception. You need to decide how you feel about it.

I would suggest if you plan on staying, tell him this but it is conditional on him getting help, handing finances over to you so there is no money to tempt him, you blocking access to gambling websites on the router at home and his mobile if possible. And I'd also suggest you both sitting with a solicitor so that in the event of a divorce he keeps his debt and you keep your savings, sort of like a prenup but obviously you're already married.

I think you’re getting common sense advice which would work for many people but not for an addict, which is what he is.

If your marriage is to survive you need proper addiction help, whether from GA or the other organisation linked to above.

Anything less than full compliance from him means he’s not really ready to stop yet.

Good luck.

Big hugs. I've been in a similar situation and I know how awful it can be.

Apart from sorting the debt once and for all, there's a big elephant in the room that isn't on the list of "things he's offered to do". And that is give up gambling. It is obvious he has an addiction and frankly, until he gets that sorted, the rest is rather meaningless, including the debt because as long as he is gambling, the debt will always be a risk.
Only he can make the decision to quit, but for me, that would be the deal breaker. I recommend www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk as a really good resource that you both might find helpful.

I wish you luck xx

I’ve no experience of this, but would suggest that you check his and your credit report just in case there’s anything else he hasn’t confessed to, or has taken out debt in your name. Not saying he has, or that he’s a bad man, just he’s an addict and people do crazy things to fuel their addiction. I’d check them monthly as well - most of them are now free to do.

Stepchange is an amazing charity that could help him sort out a payment arrangement if his debts are unaffordable to him, they’ll set up a debt management plan, and also normally get the interest rates frozen.

💐 for you, this must have been an awful shock.

I haven't been in exactly the same position as you OP but it is similar and didn't end well.

My exh is a gambler. I didn't find out how bad things were until about 3 weeks before our wedding as his parents had helped him hide the true extent of things so that I wouldn't leave him.

I shouldn't have go through with the marriage but I truly believed it was a wake up call for him and we would be ok. We weren't.

Financially we were in nowhere near the position you are (I was the only one working) so he didn't have the ability to hide it as well as your H has. He was spending my wages the minute they were paid, selling things (mine and the children's) to fund his gambling and not paying the bills. It was a horrendous time.

He was very financially abusive towards me in the end because in his mind any money I spent on myself meant he has less to gamble with. He became emotionally abusive when he's lost a lot of money or couldn't get out to gamble also. My self esteem went through the floor and has taken a long time to recover (although I'm not there yet).

It was only when I stopped and realised that I couldn't imagine living my whole life like this that I had the courage to leave.

I'm not saying your H will be abusive, I know you say your marriage is good in other aspects but I don't think you can fully know the impact of an addiction like this until financially your position isn't as stable anymore.

I have a beautiful family now and a wonderful DH but financially I am screwed (loans etc were taken out in my name so add fraud to the list also). You sound strong and successful. Please be smarter then I was!

Ah but you haven't 'just' discovered he gambles. He's always been a gambler, who you've facilitated by 'lending' him money. He's an addict. Only he can decide to stop - you can't make him.

As several people have suggested, you need to separate your finances as far as you can. If he loves you, then he needs to take steps to stop. If he won't, or can't, then you have to leave. GAs , like all addicts, just get worse and worse until they destroy their families.

I'm so sorry for what should be, and looks to be, to the outside world, the happiest time of your life. You do know he needs professional help, it's an addiction. You must take control of all finances. Gamblers, as with any addiction are crafty buggers, who will do anything to get money to fund their addiction. If you stay with him, you must be vigilant. There will be nothing stopping him getting as many credit cards as he likes, without your knowledge. If he's serious about stopping gambling, he must seek help now.

Full disclosure and full control of finances.
GA meetings, regularly.
You pay his debts and give him a monthly allowance.
He is to have no credit cards or loans other than those being paid off.
No more gambling, ever.

If you are willing to take financial control and he's willing to do the above then you may be able to work through it.

A close friend of mine has been through this and it's been horrendous for her, the numbers involved for her are huge. It's been going on for several years and there have been relapses (usually when GA isn't being attended).

Addicts are usually good liars and good manipulators so make it perfectly clear that you want to know everything.

I’m really worried he has more debt than you think. Honestly you need to have his paperwork etc - it all out in front of you. So you really know what’s going on.

I had a bf like this once I finally made him show me what was going on it was more than double what he had admitted to.

He's an addict. You can't compromise on what you do now, and neither can he. I second taking 100% control of all finances and insisting on him attending GA. He has to stop gambling and do whatever it takes to achieve that, otherwise your marriage stands no chance.

Like all addicts, he will lie, conceal and manipulate - it's part of the disease. You need to get some support for yourself so that you can set clear boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate - and stick to them.

Good luck. Mine was an alcoholic but it's the same beast. It will be tough.

Thank you for the continued helpful replies, much appreciated. Particular thanks to those speaking from experience, it is very generous of you to offer such personal advice.

My worry is: how do I know for sure that he has stopped? How can I ever be sure that he has opened another credit card?

I have always - for as long as I can remember - worried about money and what he’s up to with it. I wish I’d addressed this sooner. I feel so irresponsible having a baby with this going on in the background. Ultimately, I will need to maintain the same level of income indefinitely which doesn’t leave any scope for part time work as far as I see it. I know it’s doable and lots of people do it but I’m angry that this hasn’t been a consideration to him.

I'm sorry for posting completely randomly there, no idea how I ended up in this thread (probably an errant toddler playing secretary on my laptop lol).

I have an older relative who was in your shoes, 30 or 40 years ago. They had a baby and a house that they almost lost and that's how it all came out. She stood by him and he went to GA meetings for years with success and everything stayed on track. Fast forward to them havng grandkids and being retired and she sees him coming out of a bookies. He's blown all their retirement fund, house in danger again etc and she's left him and is now single and poor in retirement and struggling to come to terms with it all.

I also have a friend my own age who has a gambling addiction and has lost a relationship over it. Been bailed out by parents a few times and says the meetings "aren't his thing". I can't see him ever having stable finances tbh and think his addiction will be something he wrestles with his entire adult life, just as my older relative has done.

There's no easy answer and I really feel for you. Even without the gambling it sounds like you have very different views on financial management. I too am generous but careful with my money, like to treat people and pay for things but always live within my means and have savings, and would feel hugely anxious knowing I was constantly in a position of possible financial ruin. Personally I couldn't live like my older relative has done, and would be separating. I would still support him in seeking help, counselling, financial assistance, etc. But for me I know my own personal (and mental health) limits and this would not be an emotionally healthy life for me, and as a mum I need to know I am as anxiety free and financially stable as possible.

Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

OP, you ask about how you can make sure that he never gets a credit card again. The easiest way is to make sure that you add an amendment to each and every credit reference agency. This means that instead of an automatic approval, the amendment has to be reviewed by a person. Simply include that the person has a gambling addiction and can not be held responsible for any debt incurred while they are ill and seeking treatment. I am bipolar and was forced into bankruptcy back in 2004 from crazy spending and managed to keep my credit excellent until two years ago where a summer mania racked up £14k on designer shoes and holidays. I have added an amendment explaining while I repay the debt and despite having a good credit report, I can not get even £50 credit while that amendment is there as they just won't allow it due to risk. I also went full disclosure with family. They understand now that they can not offer to lend me any money when I am manic, or to help me out of a whole with manic spending. I need to sort my own stuff out and that is that. It is called taking responsibility.

OP.
Re your question about how to know if he's taking out other credit cards. I used to look at his credit report monthly to check if any CC had been taken out.
I also used to look in the 'searches' section of the credit report as it would indicate if anymore gambling accounts had been taken out.
Incase you've only found out the tip of the iceberg here, I would look through his CR for all accounts and ask to see papercopies of all statements. Usually people only admit to the minimum.
Agree with poster advising seeing a solicitor while he's in guilt mode to see how the effect can be mitigated towards you and the baby.
And putting everything in your name. Seek proper advice on this though.

Treat the addiction.

He has to be willing to break this habit.
Support him and see.

Addiction is addiction. I’m married to a recovering alcoholic (25 years sober) but his addictive personality outs itself at times and it’s tough. Hesyan incredibly smart, applied, determined person so he has certainly triumphed over his addictions.

If your DH wants to triumph over his addiction, you’re half way there.
Good luck. It’s lifelong dedication but you can still have a very happy marriage. I’m proud of DH every single day.

Hesyan
He’s an this should read.

Your DH must really want to beat gambling addiction. I can’t emphasise this enough. A half-baked attempt to make you happy will not work.

Thanks Jess. The problem with that for me is that will impact our future ambitions. We talk endlessly of how we want to buy a house with potential to develop, extend etc. He’s always on rightmove. I found his ambition attractive. If we did this that would affect any upward financial mobility and this is a big one for me.
I’m sorry to hear about your health problems. I do hope you’re doing well lately

I would make sure you took over his finances or that you both had access via the internet so you can keep an eye on him whilst you both pay it off.

I personally would throw him out but obviously most people wouldn’t and I can understand why, but I could never trust him again so I wouldn’t see the point in continuing