To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

I get where you’re coming from, CantThink but it would be yet another thing I would need to pay for when I need to prioritise putting money aside.

This is actually another issue for me - we earn good money (I know, bully for you) which means that on paper we should have been able to afford to have done lots of amazing things while we were young, pre kids. We didn’t, looking back. So much wasted opportunity looking back.

I have utterly fantastic supportive parents who are actually more like friends as well parents and I couldn’t have more respect for them

And they for you, I'm sure

Do they know about the situation?

I think the advice has been brutal because we're terrified that you're going to stay with him and live some sort of half-life where you're living on your nerves and STILL end up losing your house.

Don’t end the marriage over this but break the cycle i.e get him away from internet and any gambling places even if it means going on holiday away from it all. Two weeks away from gambling will show him it’s not the end and show him what he stands to loose.

It's not really as easy as that.

Otherwise Gamblers Anon would go into partnership with a travel agency and everyone would be happy.

Confused he will bring you down and your child with him. Remember, remember always, that he is only reacting because he got caught. He has been carrying on racking up debt and lying to your face for twelve years. And even now, he's assigning you the task of making him stop. He is an adult. He will never take responsibility for himself, why would he? He's got you doing everything. Do you really want to live the way Hollow points out for the rest of your life? Because that is exactly how it will pan out. Constant fear and worry about your credit, your home, even food to feed your daughter. He's resorted to borrowing from you, I can guarantee he's up to his eyeballs in debt. You can kiss that £2k goodbye, but don't kiss the rest of your financial security, and your daughter's, for this.

I'd check your credit now.

He is an adult and it is not your job to solve his addiction. It's his. And his actions are showing you he's not there yet.

Think of every pound he has wasted as your child's. Imagine him stealing from a piggy bank, because that is what he is doing x

You don't have to apologise for earning good money, OP, but you're right about the amazing things you could have done with the money he's wasted

How do you feel about your precious child missing out too? About dad not being able to take them out on his own in case blows the day's spending money? The bucket and spade seaside days you might never afford? The nice outfit you wanted to treat them to but can't? That special Christmas gift they've longed for but has to be denied?

Hollow - I mean brutal in a good way. I really am not the kind of person who likes being told a load of bollocks just because it’s easier to hear. I’m really grateful for the honesty.

My parents don’t know, no. They absolutely adore my husband and this would shatter their perception of him. They wouldn’t think in a million years that while we were fighting every month for our miracle baby, Welsh was secretly throwing hundreds (thousands) down the drain. They know nothing of the debt, of how I worked so fucking hard to accommodate the problem of the debt. Let alone the fact that it transpires he was doing that in secret.

Even if you want to continue the relationship I'd divorce and keep your finances 100% separate, and don't rely on him for anything.

He will only change if he wants to, and if he commits to support, e.g. GA.

It's good you are able to provide for yourself financially and you have family support. Tell your friends and family. Don't keep his secret, don't be complicit, don't make excuses. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Much love to you, and your baby, you sound lovely.

Knowing that you'd be fine on your own is a great position to be in relative to making a decision to continue your marriage or not. You don't have to consider financial stability when you decide, just what's best for you and DC.

As far as telling your parents, I'm of two minds. On one hand they could be terrific 'sounding boards' during the decision making. On the other hand, they could carry a great deal of resentment against him if you should decide to continue the marriage. I know I would if you were my child, but maybe they're better people than I am. Or better actors.

Just quickly, OP ... unless it was a typo you've used a name in your last post - you might want to get it changed if so?

Okay, so your parents are going to be deeply shocked over what he's done (and you might as well tell them because they'd probably be even more devastated if you didn't). But when that shock starts to wear off, who is it they're going to be most loyal to?

I imagine you know the answer to that already, and since you're going to need support seeing this through, what better source than parents with whom you have such a brilliant relationship?

Thanks puzzled - I think that was an autocorrect, god knows what it corrected. It should have said “he”!

Actually you'd be doing him a massive favour by dumping him over this and telling everyone in your family/friendship groups. He won't hit rock bottom if you protect him and he won't make his way back to sanity without hitting rock bottom. And you may well find that some family/friends have already lent him money and you haven't been told about it.

I worked with a gambler. 60 something had been a partner in his own firm, professional wife (i.e. She was a professional too) lovely kids. He lost everything, family, business, ended up in prison (gambled clients £), came out did it again prison. A ruined life. He spoke of his wife in hallowed worshipful tones, her and her new husband occasionally took him out to dinner. Sorry he is the only gambler I gave knowingly met. I would be absolutely terrified and feel very sorry this is happening to you.

I know, that’s so true. I’m going to give it a few weeks to think. I’m going to pack him off to his parents over the weekend and he’s in the spare room this week. If I fail to get full honesty I will reasses. I would tell my parents the reason if it comes to that, because it would be such a shock. As I said earlier, we are a happy couple and on the surface appear to have it all.

*reassess whether we stay together or part ways. I think ultimately it’s such a shock to come out of the other end of infertility, have 12 blissful weeks of feeling like the luckiest person alive only for it to all come crashing down in one evening.

You can't get full honesty from him. He's been lying to you for 12 years. He's not capable of telling you the truth. Gambling is his OW. Would you put up with him if you found out he'd been cheating on your with OW for 12 years? Because that's what he's done, he's put gambling first.

It must have come as a terrible shock. I'm so sorry he's done this.

I wonder whether you're fooling yourself that your parents don't know something's up, though. You two together are on a great salary. You're living on half that salary, really, aren't you? Do you think your parents won't notice that? There will be times when, if you had the full amount, you'd spend more - on holidays, clothes and treats - surely they must have noticed you're not doing that?

Are you thinking that if you stay together you're not going to tell your parents? I'd be very reluctant to go down that road, particularly as you're so close to your mum and dad. It's a massive, massive burden to shoulder alone. Think of your child - would you want them to keep such a burden to themselves?

I'm worried he's asked friends/family for money, too. I think you owe it to others to find out, because even if he hasn't borrowed so far, if you restrict his money it's very likely he will ask them. Far better to protect them by telling them in advance.

I'd divorce to separate finances then you can take your time over assessing the future of your relationship.
What I would say though is that you need to make your mind up about separating before your child is old enough to be affected by dad moving out. He won't miss what he hasn't got if you don't live together from a young age but will be affected by about the age of, I don't know, twoish?

We had a gambling addict in the family. They are like any addict and will lie,lie and lie some more. I'd give a sharp ultimatum and mean it. Life with an addict is no life

I wouldn't give an ultimatum. They never ever work. This man has been gambling for 12 years and depriving the OP throughout that time. If she gives him an ultimatum he'll probably cry with relief and then carry on as normal.

I'm worried he's asked friends/family for money, too. I think you owe it to others to find out, because even if he hasn't borrowed so far, if you restrict his money it's very likely he will ask them. Far better to protect them by telling them in advance

Yet more utterly sensible advice from HollowTalk ...

Yes I also agree with hollow, and you should tell your parents, in fact, everyone because it enables him to minimise it if fewer people know what he’s done and has continued to do. Also you should put your need for support first, and that means telling people IRL that can support you.