To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

How much is he wiling to try and get help? Would he go to GA? Would he pass over all financial control to you?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you you sound very strong though and you'll get through it!

Can you break the cylce?
Get him some counselling.
Would he give you control of his finances for e.g. the next 6 months?
Look to get his name off the mortgage?

I doubt he's going to stop gambling if it's been going for 12 years or more.

I would give him an ultimatum that he needs to seek help and you get control of all family finances i.e. his salary is paid into your account or new separate account that he can't access. His response will tell you if he's serious about changing.

Whatever you do, don't use your savings to pay off his debts. He'll just rack them up again and your savings would have been pissed down the drain.

How much have you given him in total? Does he still owe you £2k? When you say you paid for everything, how much did that total?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how tough this must be for you.

As with any addiction I think it comes down to whether he is willing to seek help and wants to change. If he wants you to use your savings to pay off his debt but not get help for his addiction, you will just end up in the same position again in the future. Has he continued to gamble since you found out about this? If he was willing to get help would that be enough for you to continue the relationship and see how it goes? If not then I think you have to walk away. Wishing you the best xx

His debts will affect you and your credit rating, as you're married.

This happened to a friend of mine - her dh gambled away their house deposit savings. She stayed with him though, with strict rules about finances, but they'll probably never own their own home. They had to move to a much cheaper area far away from their city life.

It depends on the compromises you're willing to make for you and your baby, and if he's willing to get help for his addiction.

Take some time to think what you want. Make sure he knows how serious it is.
If you want to stay married to him, you could clear all his debts and then take over all finances. He gets nothing. No bank cards for emergencies, no access to online banking, you control everything. You block all online sites from the internet, you keep the passwords to everything. You literally give him pocket money.
In short, you treat him like a child. He needs to attend Gamblers Anonymous regularly. No discussion about finances, it is your decision and you control it. He has proved that he can't do it. He is addicted to gambling in the same way as people are addicted to heroin.
Maybe after 5 years or so of him being gamble free, you can look at finances with him again.
Or you can end your marriage and be relatively wory free as to what he will do to the finances that affect his child.
You are in a horrible position and I am so sorry that you have this worry when you should be enjoying your pregnancy.

Thank you for the kind replies.

• He has asked exactly what I want him to do. He’s offered to put all finances in my name. I will probably do this.
• he doesn’t want me to pay off his debts because he says it “shouldn’t impact me”. He wants to resolve it himself.
• he hasn’t paid back the £2k yet but says he will when he gets - work bonus in sept (approx £4K). I’d rather he paid off some credit card with it but haven’t suggested this yet
• wrt paying for things I mean: good shopping, clothes occasionally, meals out, social stuff etc. I’m not saying he never pays anything but I tend to jump in and swipe my card first. He has a 1.5 hour commute which obviously costs money and by contrast I work from home so I’ve justified it that he pays for his travel and I cover the food etc.

I don't think ending your marriage will help with his problems. Gambling addiction is just as real as being an alcoholic, I can't remember the exact science behind it but the same part of the brain "lights up" with a gambling addict as it doesn't with alcoholics. Google the science behind it to get the full information- this is an illness just as much as any other addiction is

My best friend was saving for a mortgage with DP, they had £25k saved between them, he kept putting off looking at houses for some reason, and it eventually came out he too had a gambling addiction. He had spent his entire half of the savings. She didn't leave him, instead she helped him. They went to meetings together, she temporarily took over his finances, she blocked gambling websites from her internet provider and she was supportive about it. Obviously they had a huge argument and she was furious when she first found out, but after researching into it she decided to stick by him and be there for him through this difficult time

I think your husband needs help not a divorce. He has an addiction and it is an illness ruining his life. He probably wants to stop but doesn't know how to. I know this is so shitty for you, you have a baby on the way and are under enough stress as it is, but imagine it from his point of view too, he is stuck and doesn't know how to escape, I'd imagine his mental health is at an all time low too, especially when confronting that he does have an addiction. I would look into how you can help him overcome this, doctors appointments, meetings with specialist etc. You will get a lot of people saying "he's a dick, leave him" that don't understand that this is a genuine illness. He deserves 1 chance and support to overcome this. If he blows it, especially when you have a baby then reconsider staying with him.

If you do choose to divorce him, please don't leave him on his own, continue to offer him moral support and guide him towards getting help and overcoming this awful addiction. Best of luck x

Time for the ultimatum.

1. He starts and continues with GA and therapy.
2. You have 100% control over the finances.
3. If he gambles again, it's over.

I don't have any experience of this, but my friends parents had a similiar problem. They seperated because of it for just over a year, and then got back together, on the condition that she would have total control of his money. This was like ten years ago but she still has had total control of all their money since they got back together: his wages are paid into her account every month, and she then gives him an "allowance" for the month. His debts are paid off now, but he still jokes about how he can't be trusted with money.

Reading your second post, it sounds like he wants help. It also sounds like you have a very healthy relationship with good communication. You are taking steps in the right direction for him to recover. I hope all goes well for you and your family, it won't be an easy ride, but as long as your both committed to getting over this addiction you will get there

So sorry you're going through this. Counselling, GA and no access to money (except for small amounts of cash) or credit would be the very least I would accept as demonstration of his commitment to stopping.

I’d rather he paid off some credit card with it but haven’t suggested this yet

Don't do this. He needs to do this on his own.

wrt paying for things I mean: good shopping, clothes occasionally, meals out, social stuff etc. I’m not saying he never pays anything but I tend to jump in and swipe my card first.

Stop doing this. You've got in a bad habit with paying for most things.

Who earns more? The party who earns more would ordinarily put more into the joint account. He pays for his own clothes and meals can come out of a joint account.

In the meantime, you should take complete control of finances.

OP, if your instinct is to leave, don't ignore it.

Time for the ultimatum.

1. He starts and continues with GA and therapy.
2. You have 100% control over the finances.
3. If he gambles again, it's over.

This. Absolutely this.

for you. Gambling is an awful addiction and I am so sorry you are both in this situation.

Oh god, you poor, poor thing. What an awful shock, and awful situation.

PP who writes about the dopamine surge and addictive nature is spot on. You cannot change him. He will "agree" to any ultimatum or set of conditions you place on him, only to go back on it a week later. The only thing you can handle is your own reaction.

The first thing you need to do is see a solicitor (whether or not you split) - I believe there are steps you can take to declare your finances separate from those of your spouse so you are not liable for his debts, and you need to do that immediately. It's awful, when you still love him, and presumably (barring his gambling addiction) he is exactly the same person you have always been in love with, but for the sake of your own financial security and the financial security of your child, I really don't see any way forward other than divorce. (My dad grew up in a family where the breadwinner gambled away the family income - it was hell for him growing up, and gamblers never change.)

I have been here and m ymarriage has been bought to its knees over gambling. We stayed together but I am not saying it is easy & there is a fair amount of resentment.

1. He needs to get help first.
2. Do not pay his debts.
3. Everything must be in your name - once an addict always an addict. This means car, house & all savings. There is nothing up for discussion, you need to protect yourself & your baby. Make sure you are saving and building your pension in your name. Good luck my heart goes out to you.

I have a dear friend who regularly attends GA (Gamblers Anonymous). He has lost approximately a quarter of a million over 20 years of uncontrolled gambling. He's been abstinent from any form of gambling (including such seemingly innocent things as scratchcards, Lottery etc.) for about 10 years now.

As with AA, it's a self-help group with no professional involvement, so the effectiveness of meetings local to you might be a factor if you're out of a city. We're in London so it's really easy to access meetings for any of the 12 step fellowships. But there may be online or Skype alternatives for those who aren't able to access good meetings in person.

I'm sure there are other alternatives too, but it's one to try.

Good luck, OP.

DO NOT PAY OFF HIS DEBTS WITH YOIR SAVINGS

If he wants to stay married, the solutions have to come from him. He need to go tin gA. he needs a plan to pay off the debt.

To be honest I consider this such a serious breach of trust that I wouldn’t stay with him. It’s pathetic.

Whatever you do, do NOT ever have a joint account until you can be sure he's no longer tempted. I speak from bitter experience of now having 10k of gambling debt I'm now liable for.

We're 3 years down the line, an ultimatum worked, I believe he will never gamble again. I do still have complete control over our finances though.

Hi OP,
I had this with a former long term partner. Joint house, kids etc.
Finances were always kept separate, he used to pay a set amount every month to the joint account and keep the rest.
He was always asking for money despite earning a high wage.
Looking back I can't believe I didn't twig earlier. I used to wonder why we were always skint.
Found out a few thousand of gambling debt. He was still lying and minimising. So I then signed on to his credit report (I know, I know, but I was terrified of getting the house taken off us). Found another load of debt amounting to £20000, and worked out he'd been getting most of the families disposable cash with the cash he was keeping every month and was spending it on servicing the debt and more gambling.
Similar to you, it was a happy enough relationship, so I decided to take control over everything. Debt was eventually sorted out. But I came to see what he did as stealing from our family, and gradually lost all respect for him, as I had to monitor his spending and had to be 'on it' at all times.
My situation involved a lot of deceit though, yours maybe different.
Tbh, I hate to say it, but dig a bit more, and open all letters etc, get him to show you his credit report.
Sorry you're going through this

My sister had this situation. She lived in NY at the time, H was American. She was saving hard for their son's college fees, one day H told her that things had got out of control, and he owed $60,000 (by sheer coincidence, the amount that was in the college fund). IIRC she refused to touch the college fund, but arranged a payment plan to clear the consolidated debts. It took years. Within a month of finally clearing the debt, he admitted to her that he'd run up the same amount again - as fast as she was paying off the first debt, he was running up another on on credit cards. She managed to get some of this second debt written off, $30,000 of it. Sold their house in the US and paid off the remaining $30,000, moved back home where he didn't have access to credit cards so easily (this was back in the nineties so internet gambling not a thing then). She thought she was free and clear until they got a massive tax bill from the States - the $30,000 she'd had written off became taxable income once it wasn't being repaid.

Gambling is an addiction, there's no happy ending for you.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious. He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Holy shit was my thought when I got to that ... even though I saw it coming in your post. But £20k, and growing ...

I agree with others. U;timatum. Now. He gets help. He may not quit getting help. You are in charge of all the money. And if he gambles again, ever, marriage is over.

Unless you want to end it now legally. Which I would also personally seriously consider. His gambling debts will destroy your own future if he won't get help and stop ... and they're already going to make your life a whole lot harder. Right now if you split, he will likely agree that they are his problem and his alone ... but if they spiral even more out of control and you stay, you stand to lose everything.

Good luck. Addictions are very hard to quit ... and he's been hiding and lying about his for at least a decade by the sounds of it. This will not be easy.

Hellish..accept nothing less than GA. Without that he will continue to lie and cheat until he can no longer conceal it. I think gambling is the most insidious of addictions, so easy to conceal for so long. Good luck.

Compete transparency from now on and a real commitment from him to stop. You will have to dole him out pocket money even though that will feel like infantalizing him. Attending some sort of support group. Maybe together.
You may as well pay off the debts and stop the interest as quickly as possible as they are your joint debts too in the eyes of the law.