To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

Self exclude him from the online websites he uses, there may be a lot of them. It’s s long road to recovery, my DH was a gambler and still has the occasional blip. I had to self exclude him from all of the gambling websites he used, and keep an eye on his emails so he didn’t sign up for anymore. As bad as it sounds you have to take on a parent/child relationship when it comes to this, as the temptation is too much for them. I really feel for you OP, I’ve had this for 9 years and it’s horrendous.

Thanks Petty. Sorry you’re experiencing this too.
Being with a man who can’t be trusted and doesn’t put me first is so far removed from my own beliefs. I grew up with the opposite of this.
I feel like this morning I’ve woken up and everything I thought to have been true of my life and the man I married is bollocks. And what’s worse is that I knew all along and blocked it out.
To those who have experience of this and took over financial responsibility and in turn ended up parenting their husband - do you ever regain respect for them? Right now, this is a repulsive quality to me.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I am currently divorcing my husband due to debt he accumulated and I knew little of. Over the last 12 months more and more has come out. What is shocking is that I realise now that he was not the man I thought I he was. I had to sell the house and downsize as I was concerned that it would be repossessed, things has got that bad. I think also that once that trust has gone how can you still be married? I don’t want to have to police my husband and his actions have impacted in our kids, no money for extras or treats or trips out. I ve got out and yes I will always have to work full time but the relief of just managing myself is immense. And co incendentally I have money left over each month now.

Just want to add my experience as someone who has had children with an addict. We have been split up for a good few years now but the addiction still impacts on my life and that of my children.
Please don't feel you can fix him. Because he is the one with the problem and until he makes a serious effort to address it, nothing you do in relation to finances will help. The trouble with addicts is they are driven to deception and manipulation to fuel their addictions and he could well say all the right things whilst doing all the wrong ones.
I don't mean to sound harsh but addiction ruined my family and I beat myself up still for staying in it for so long.
Good luck

horrible situation, so sorry for you and your partner. This should be treated as an illness and therefore he should be getting help for his addiction - that is what it is, you can only support him you can't help him in recovering, he needs to do this himself,
I wish you both the best in the future, its a long hard road and he will need lots of help and support from outside

Thanks Jess. The problem with that for me is that will impact our future ambitions
But he is already impacting your future ambitions, and if he doesn’t stop, or if something doesn’t happen to make him stop, you could end up losing your home. You say he has ‘confessed’ to GBP20K debt. Given the nature of addiction, I’d be surprised if that was an honest amount. If you required him to discuss his debt with Stepchange, and ask them to negotiate the interest and repayments, his credit rating would be damaged, but not irretrievably or for ever, and it would make it almost impossible for him to get further credit to gamble with. Though I’m not sure they would help if they knew about the addiction, you’d need to check that first.

What do you want him to do?

It sounds like he wants you to take even more financial responsibility but seems vague about his responsibilities. This man has lied to you for twelve years and has gotten into a bad habit of telling you want to hear, that it has become second nature to him. Now the blinkers are off, you know you can not trust him and long term it’s goint to be very difficult living with what he has done and what he could do again.

At present he sounds oblivious to the magnitude of what he’s done and the very idea that you ‘shouldn’t be impacted’ by his behaviour, shows how much denial he’s in, if he thinks you haven’t already been impacted.

I suspect the offer of clearing his debt himself is a tactic to avoid complete transparency and allows him a back door to continue hiding debt and you’d be crazy to fall for it a second time.

First things first, protect yourself and your unborn financial future as much as possible and get him to start the process of being financially transparent (credit reports, bank statements etc). Talk to a solicitor about your financial liability and don’t forget to obtain your own credit reports (you never know how low he has gone).

Listen to what gamblingaddict has said in his excellent post. Most gambling addicts are deceitful and will take out secret loans or credit cards to fund their addiction. Be prepared to discover that the debts are actually a lot more than your DH has admitted to.

A family member lost her home in a similar situation to yours. It took her many years to pay off her debts. Her ex is a lovely man, very kind, outgoing and good company but none of that mattered in comparison to making her and their kids homeless and bankrupt.

My advice would be to get divorced but I understand why you aren’t ready to do that. Would your DH get a second job to pay off the debts?

I have been in your exact situation and I know how angry and scared you must be.
I found out that my (now) husband was a compulsive gambler 8 years ago. He confessed one night that he had gambled 25k in one sitting and didn’t even have enough money to buy a cup of coffee. I had no idea whatsoever that he gambled, let alone that he had a problem. I felt betrayed, stupid and incredibly angry and considered ending our relationship.

However, there is a happy ending to our story. He started to attend gamblers anonymous and has been doing so ever since. He hasn’t had a bet in 8 years. He is stronger and happier than he has ever been and says gambling never crosses his mind now. He has made some really good friends at GA and they are now part of my life too. Our life is better now than it was before.

The point is that he can get help, and can change - if he’s willing too. That is the most important point - he has to want to change.

In my experience, people gamble because they are trying to escape from something and he has to deal with WHY he’s gambling. It’s not just about stopping, but finding out what the trigger is in dealing with this.

If you remain in the relationship, you must take control of his finances. This might sound as though you’re treating him like a child, but you need to take away his access to money, and monitor what he spends. He might be resistant to this, but it is essential until his gambling is under control. At GA they will tell you that the worst things a gambler can have are access to money and time to gamble. I still have oversight of my husbands accounts, even after eight years. It gives us both peace of mind.

Try not to make any decisions too quickly and be kind to yourself. There is hope, but there may be a bumpy road ahead.

for you

Just to add, I’m not a parent to my husband, he’s my partner. I have a huge amount of respect for how he’s turned his life around and I do trust him.

I truly believe compulsive behaviour is a mental health issue. It’s very easy for people to say LTB, but would you say that if he were addicted to food, alcohol etc? If he is willing to get help, he can deal with this. If he isn’t willing to get help, that would be the deal-breaker for me.

I broke up with my ex bf (who had more than double the debt he admitted to) because I ended up being his mum. I also got very stressed and ultimately resentful of being in charge of everything!! I organised our lives and I felt very dull. It was worse than having a newborn. And I still didn’t trust him really - especially if he went on lads nights or stag do’s I always knew there was a chance he would end up blowing our cash on stupid shit (which he did end up doing that was it then)

After our split, I met a man who wanted to support me (i was shocked!) and help me be MY best - he is now my husband and we are very happy!

She stood by him and he went to GA meetings for years with success and everything stayed on track. Fast forward to them havng grandkids and being retired and she sees him coming out of a bookies. sad He's blown all their retirement fund, house in danger again etc and she's left him and is now single and poor in retirement and struggling to come to terms with it all.

If you do stick by him and sort it all out, I'd be tempted to divorce him at some point anyway (but stay living together), and have as much as possible jointly owned in your name, to avoid the scenario highlighted.

In essence you will never be able to trust him 100% ever again. At least a divorce would protect you and you could relax to rebuild your relationship.

This happened to a friend's parents. They are in their 80s and married over 50 years. He started gambling about 10 years ago. They lost everything. He emptied their savings, took out a mortgage on their paid-off house and a business property they owned (forged her signature), opened credit cards, pawned valuable items. They went from a secure retirement to living on Social Security (US version of state pension).

He promised over and over he would stop. He never did. In order to save herself, at her children's insistence she filed for divorce. They sold their business property (which provided rental income as part of their retirement income) to pay off the mortgage he took on the house, which he signed over to her as part of the divorce. He assumed 100% of his debt as part of the divorce, but she still gets harassing and threatening phone calls. They still live together but she is no longer legally liable for his gambling debts.

You are in for a long rough road. Protect yourself as best you can. Divorce for financial reasons if it's in your best interest. Personally, I'd leave. I wouldn't want to have to be suspicious of my DH's every move and have to have such a tight control on family finances. Once trust is gone, there really isn't much left as far as I'm concerned.

I am a gambling addict, 120 days clean so early days in recovery.

I suggest both of you look at gamcare website, especially the forums. You both can contact them and ask for counselling. This really helped me with the underlying reason why I gambled. I also agree with the previous poster who said to listen to the likes of Lethe and odaat. They know their stuff. Some being the gamblers and others being friends and family of gamblers.

There is a new service called GamStop, here you can sign up and self excluded from online casinos in one swoop. At the moment not all gambling companies are involved but a fair number are and the rest have to by the end of the year if they want to keep their license with the gambling commission. I also self excluded from all sites individually for the full 5 years.

Lock your husband out of all banking facilities and give him petty cash as and when he needs. Unfortunately you now have to become the gatekeeper.

He can put software on laptops and phones which block gambling sites, I think gamblock and k9 are the names of two.

Have access to his credit report to make sure no further credit is added. I think you need to do all three free sites to cover all agencies. Clearsc ore, noddle and the moneysavingsexpert.

I will say it won't work unless he really wants to.

Good luck.

Also as others have said don't pay the debts off as if he is not focused on quitting what's to stop him racking them up again with a clear slate.

Disassociate as much financially as you can. All assets in your name only .

I disagree with most people saying stay with him...you will turn in to his mother if you have to ave such a tight grip on the money...why is he asking you what you want to happen? Why is he not taking control of the situation and booking himself in for help.why is he looking to you to save him? Why was your unborn child not enough to stop him....my advice is to end it ....your priorities are your child and sorting out the money so he can't make things worse....he is not your responsibility,he is a grown man.

This is true. You have every right to end it. And I'm sure noone should disagree with that.

If you stay I feel that you will have to do all the things I mentioned above to become the gatekeeper.

It's alot of pressure and worry on you, however you are the only one that knows if you are willing to take that on.

My husband was willing but has made it clear this is the final chance. I did relapse twice before. I hadn't gone to gamcare then.

With the counselling and financial blocks in place I feel much better equipped to beat this.

He needs help. And he needs to see how serious the consequences of what he does are. And that you won't be covering from him any more.

If he really wants to stop gambling and is willing to accept help - and if you're willing to support him in this - your marriage may have a chance.

But he needs to come clear about his finances and understand that gambling is over.

He's basically lied for you for 12 years.

What part of that is even remotely acceptable?

He's broken your trust and is likely to gamble the food out of your childs mouth. Put your baby first and walk away. This will never end, and you will never have an equal partner.

You need to get your own credit reports to make sure nothing unexpected is in your name.

You need a full picture of his debts. Not an estimate. Because it may well be twice what he has admitted.

Once you have the full picture, you can think about what you want and what you are prepared to do.

I'd walk away, I'm afraid.

I wouldn't want a husband that I had to dole money out to. I wouldn't want a husband where, if I left a tenner on the bedside table, I wouldn't know if I'd see it again. I wouldn't want a husband who lies through his teeth about what he's doing - he could be spending your mortgage money and make you homeless.

I know it's an addiction and an addiction is a sickness but I wouldn't feel up to sticking around to see whether he recovered. He hasn't hit rock bottom - if you stay, you will have years and years of shock and betrayal and poverty. Get out now, while you can.

It's not to say you can't stay friends - meet up every now and again, go for a drink etc, but for god's sake separate yourself from him financially.

To those who have experience of this and took over financial responsibility and in turn ended up parenting their husband - do you ever regain respect for them? Right now, this is a repulsive quality to me l don't think you can do this long term. Eventually the balance of the marriage tips and unless you like the idea of being a parent to your husband I don't think it is sustainable. I think the Red Flag is he is looking to you to fix this. Saying he doesn't want you to pay his debts can mean he doesn't want you to see what he actually owes. Also saying that he doesn't want you impacted by his actions is separating the gambling from your lives together. You are already impacted by his actions you could probably afford a house now rather than starting from a negative position and have many years ahead of you paying back his debts. The question for you OP is do you want to live like this for the rest of your life. Constantly checking credit reports, checking bank statements, trying to police someone. I have known quite a few people who have been in your position. Eventually the gambler sees it as belittling that they cannot have any money but when the leash is loosened they eventually can't help themselves and return to type. I know on here people are advising you to stay but I think long term it cannot work. I know too many people over the years who have been in a similar position and stayed and took over everything and thought eventually that the problem had passed. Took their eye off the ball and lost everything. Friends df gambled away everything, houses, business, Rolls Royces villas in the Caribbean and they ended up in a council flat. Her stbexh has gambled and continued to gamble hundreds of thousands just while she has been divorcing him. (Over 1 year and counting). He has pleaded poverty and has given her nothing.

I hate to say this but I think you should possibly separate. You are going to spend the rest of your life wondering what he is up to and living in fear. I am sorry, I know that sounds really hard. Are your parents supportive?

My sister bailed out her H, moved country, did everything to sort out the finances, but ended up having to watch his every move. Every time he got drunk he'd shout about how she'd emasculated him. There will be no gratitude for sticking with him through thick and thin and saving him from himself - he'll think he's entitled to gamble if he wants to, and you're being a controlling, horrible bitch. That will probably be the reward for being a dutiful wife, unfortunately.

Well most of your finances are separate so practically it's his issue. However, is the house just in your name? I'm coming from s protect yourself angle in case he can't stop.