To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

He has a £400 loan repayment direct debit each month too.

PS I also agree with the other PPs who suggest that his debt may be far larger than he has actually confessed to. And he only confessed as he was caught. His noble gestures from the start of not wanting help with his debt are far more likely he didn't want to have to reveal the full truth. But I may be wrong.

What Hollow and Oliver said. 12 years of lies. Now you are the one he expects to be the responsible one and keep him in check. Nope. I'd cut my losses now because your child's financial security relies on you.

Thanks TheHodgs. I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said.

He keeps saying that he will never do it again, will do whatever it takes to stop. Text me earlier saying he’s sick at the though of what he’s done to our relationship.

I just can’t imagine what “going forward” actually looks like. I spent 3 years on fertility drugs to get to this point and now I don’t feel like we are a normal couple who can happily anticipate the arrival of our baby. I don’t want to unnecessarily punish him but how can we even talk about our baby happily together?

Dh never missed a bill which was one reason he could hide it for so long but he was racking up eye watering sums in debt - sorry to say you may even find family, friends and colleagues have been roped in as cash cows. His credit rating was excellent which was why he was able to carry on borrowing even though the amount and frequency of the loans should have raised huge red flags IMO. Like your dh he never had any disposable income available because it was all being diverted to the bookies.

A compulsive gambler may start off with small bets but it invariably spirals. They cannot control it. They cannot walk away. Bills are covered now. If he doesn't stop they may well not be in the future. When they're in action they literally have no thought for anything but staying in action which is where the rent and food money get blown. Chasing the money they've lost in the hope of the big win that's going to put everything right is an absolutely classic justifying tactic in an addict's mind. They can and do twist anything to convince themselves further gambling makes absolute sense.

If you're going to give him a cash allowance even a minimal amount you will need to see receipts to the penny. They can and do use anything and everything they can get their hands on to keep going.

Sending you huge hugs OP. I really wish I had nice and easy answers for you.

I also echo what others said about not needing to make any rash decisions straight away. You've had a horrific shock. A starting point might be some couple's counselling? But that's after he agrees to go to GA and to stop gambling and for you to take full control of all finances.

If he can get £4K from overtime just in a month, can’t he do this every other month or every 3 months, and get the debt paid off quicker.

It’s really disappointing but not hugely shocking given his addiction previously.

I think if he’s willing to give you control over the finances then that’s a good start.

£1100/month he's paying on debts and he is still gambling! And then he asks what you want him to do? He is not taking responsibility for this. This man will impoverish both you and your child.

My god what a waste of money and opportunity
TBH I would be out of there after the lies and letting you pay his way for years while he's been squandering money I'd be furious and the prospect of having to not trust him to do the right thing and manage his money like a child. I'd be turned off by that too

He will tell you what you want to hear and you will want desperately to believe it. He may even believe it himself as he says it.

Don't be fooled. Verify everything he says independently. If he means what he says he will go along with everything you ask without complaint along with voluntary attendance at counsellig and GA.

do you ever regain respect for them? Right now, this is a repulsive quality to me

Frankly, it sounds to me as if you have your answer right there

A friend who was in your position also went down the road of "managing all finances", even to the point of doling out pocket money. It worked well for a while, but then he started on the resentment and the "how long am I going to be punished?" script. Sadly she ended up despising him - and then found out he'd borrowed off relatives to finance yet more gambling

You already know that your future's been compromised by his choices, and that's without factoring in future lapses
Is it really worth it?

And don't forget OP that if you've spent 3 years trying for a baby, he could have been saving this money and building a safer future for you all. He chose NOT to.

That would tell me all I need to know .

What a shame that they see their spouse’s tolerance, patience and hard work as a punishment !

He HAS to realise this HAS already impacted you. A LOT. Every single penny he has lost to gambling has affected YOUR financial future and your children’s financial future. That’s even before you look at the emotional impact. He’s distraught at being caught out and at the risk of losing you, but him saying ‘I don’t want this to impact you’ shows that he doesn’t understand what he has done. You have SAVED £25k, YOU have subbed him on top of that and he has WASTED a HUGE amount of YOUR money, your financial security. Plus, he’s taken advantage if you, he’s lied to you, he’s abused your trust. He’s got a LONG way to go before he even starts to comprehend the damage he has done.

He won't have admitted all that he owes. I bet there are loans, loans from friends, payday, secret credit cards etc.

You will always live in fear that he'll get into debt again, it will be an exhausting nightmare.

Yes I'd leave and wish I had left my now ExH the moment id discovered he was a gambler.

Cauliflower - this is a one off bonus. The maximum he can get is £4K but more likely it will be £2k (I think it’s company performance dependent).

TomHardy - that’s exactly what has broken me.

Honestly, OP, I think you'll be a nervous wreck if you stay together. He has good intentions, but the fact is he'll get resentful of you doling out money - to be fair, anyone would be. And you'll be resentful, too. You will want to be with a man, not a teenager.

And then one day you'll go to a restaurant and leave a cash tip and discover he's taken it. Your baby will have something new and you won't be able to find it - you'll wonder whether he took it back to the shop for a refund. You'll find a lottery ticket somewhere. You'll find yourself searching his search history on the computer and panicking when you find missing days. You'll panic when you can't find your cash card or you think "I'm sure it wasn't in that part of my purse." You'll feel sick when you check the balance online.

That's your future. Can you live like that?

The only way you can protect yourself (and the financial security of your baby) going forward is to not trust your husband at all for the foreseeable future, and I think that's quite a miserable reality. You'll have to strictly control his access to money (while managing probably resentment at times from both of you) and always be checking that he's not taking on any new debt.

I'm not sure if I could do that in your position.

It sounds awful, but I would be separating from him and his actions post that will give you an idea of whether he is serious about changing. If he shows genuine willing to change off his own back I would consider supporting him through his rehabilitation. I would not tolerate becoming a 'parent' to the man I married. Change has to come from him.

Sorry op, horrible situation. I would be prepared to walk and see if he picks you and your baby or this addiction.

He keeps saying that he will never do it again, will do whatever it takes to stop. Text me earlier saying he’s sick at the though of what he’s done to our relationship

Unfortunately they always do, whether it's gambling or some other deceit. He's clearly an intelligent man in other ways and could have considered "what he was doing to the relationship" while he was actually doing it - equally he could have sought help or any number of other things

Doesn't it tell you a lot that he's feeling "sick" only now that you've found out?

Thanks everyone. This has been a godsend this morning.

Heads a bit jumbled so excuse the need for spoon feeding.

I’m moving him into the spare room tonight and I’d quite like for him to go and stay with his parents this weekend. Ideally I would separate for a bit to clear the air and really hit home that we are on the brink. But how do you do this practically? I will only worry that he spends more money living away from home.

Well, that will be a test, won't it? If you have any joint accounts I'd get him to take his name off them now.

You know what I couldn't forgive? You were cutting short your maternity leave because he was spending all of the money on gambling.

His baby. His wife. He was willing for them both to suffer so that he could gamble.

FWIW I think the debt is going to be way bigger than he has confessed to. So you need to start a step by step approach.

1. Get all the info you need from credit score companies etc. Sit down with him, work through it and come up with the total debt. This has to include money he has borrowed from friends and family including you.

1. ask him what he is going to do to stop. Give him all the info he needs on GA and other groups and websites but ask HIM for HIS plan.

1. Work out what your plan is to get support

Unfortunately your whole life with him has been a lie. All this talk about providing for you, the baby, the new house is just lies. He is telling you now because he can see pretty soon you wont be working and therefore asking you to sub him all the time isn't going to work. in other words the one and only reason he has told you now is not because he feels guilty or wants to change but because he has to.

this will be your future life. all the fiscal responsibility. paying for things he wants directly so train tickets etc. you will be giving him pocket money £X for lunchtimes £Y when he goes to the pub. £Z for Christmas and birthday presents. Both of you will massively resent this and it will be the cause or at the root of every argument the two of you have from now on. everytime he is drunk, it will be mentioned. other people will notice, he will be embarrassed.

Every time money goes missing. Every time you argue. Every time you have to spend any money on anything. Every time his mood is off, or he is late in from work. Every. Single. Time. you wont be able to stop thinking about it and wont be able to detach the gambling from the man.

sorry OP but it is a grim and miserable life - playing parent to a child as well as a partner. The equality part of your relationship has gone. you might get some trust back, you might not. but one thing is for certain this is a massive game changer. I have seen this all play out first hand and as a child watching it, its absolutely fucking grim. And has had a massive impact on me into adulthood.

I couldn’t live with someone who did this. The deceit the debt the addiction, no I couldn’t waste my emotion and future with someone who could potentially cause me and my family to loose everything.