To consider ending my marriage over this?

[Conflictedandconfused]

In summary, I’ve just discovered that my husband gambles.

I’m 31, he’s 33 and I cannot stress what a happy marriage we have. We rarely argue and are both pretty low drama people. We’ve been together 12 years (met at Uni).

He always liked a ‘go’ on online gambling sites and racked up quite a bit of debt at Uni. Said he was clearing it.

Fast forward: I am finally pregnant after a long struggle to conceive and am 14 weeks pregnant. We both have well paid jobs and a nice home. Our finances have always been separate. He always said he didn’t want me to be responsible for his debt so we just paid half for everything. I have always said that I don’t like the separate finance element but we’ve never missed a bill or mortgage payment so didn’t have any obvious cause for concern.

I started having strong feelings that something wasn’t right. He asked to borrow £2,000 from me to ‘tide him over until his expenses were paid’ and I gave it to him.

Fast forward and I caught him gambling online early Saturday morning and was furious.

He’s confessed that his debts are still at circa £20k and he has been regularly gambling. I feel like my world has shattered. He’s distraught.

Looking back, I have enabled by always jumping in to pay for everything as I thought he was working hard to pay off debt (he pays about £700 per month on a consolidation loan). He won’t admit it but I suspect he gets back to square one by using a credit card to get by after wasting hundreds in a gambling session. He confessed that he does this a few times a week.

By contrast I am cautious with money and save. I always planned to take a short maternity leave (not too short, 5 months perhaps) because it was always in my mind that he we wouldn’t be able to survive without my salary and I would need to use a lot of my savings to cover our mortgage. Talking of which, I have savings of approx £25k. Just trying to paint a full picture.

Does anyone have any experience of this? What on earth do I do now? I feel utterly fraudulent being pregnant, life looking rosy on the outside when in reality, my marriage feels like it’s over this morning.

He needs to get help. He will not be able to cure himself of this addiction alone. He needs to go to a support group for gamblers, and look into getting further help. You need to take him up on the offer of financial transparency. Don't think of it as a step too far. You need to look at his accounts and monitor what is coming in and going out. He also needs to give up all unnecessary sending and focus on paying off debts. No more meals out. depending on where you like to go, one meal out could equal one day at home with your baby.

you might get some trust back

Which will be the signal for him to start gambling again.

Hi OP, I found myself in pretty much the same situation as you but it was a couple of months after I'd had our LO. It's completely world shattering and if you can get a bit of space right now to process it wouldn't be a bad thing. We are a few years down the line now and things are so much better but it has been incredibly hard. For me the things that are non negotiable (as I think others have said):

• access to ALL bank accounts / credit cards etc. Everything. Not a penny gets spent that I can't see. This will be forever.
• he attended GA immediately and still goes at least 2-3 times a week.
• access to his credit file (Experian etc) so I can see exactly what accounts etc he has - more to see if he ever took out loan / credit card.

He was completely on board with all the above and knows if he ever tries to pull back on any of them he'll be gone. The key thing really is if he actually wants to stop though, if he doesn’t you will likely be fighting a losing battle. They have to come to the decision themselves, not just because they got caught. Sorry you are going through this, it’s truly shit.

Juells I agree. I cant imagine what a battle it is for an addict to keep away from what they want to do more than anything else in the world every day. and to know that they can never, ever do it again.

I honestly don't think this man wants to stop. he has been caught out and could see that when OP went on maternity leave it would all come out then.

I hope that whatever the OP decides to do, she and he both realise that the way that they will have to live their lives going forward FOR EVER - because it never goes away - is going to have a big impact on their child.

I'm just trying to relate this to my own experience as a recovering alcoholic. It was pretty easy to put alcohol out of my life, not so true if it had been money.

If you did leave him he will likely never have enough to pay significant support unless he's successful at quitting gambling on his own, and even then there's all of that debt that has to be dealt with. In the UK can his creditors look to you for payment as his spouse even though your name wasn't on the accounts?

You've gotten a lot of good advice on how to stem the bleeding at this point. Then I'd take some time and consult a good family law solicitor about how this would all work out in a divorce. If you separated before the baby was born do you have family nearby who can offer support and help with the baby?

So sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

I think you start by deciding what kind of life you want for yourself and your child. You earn a good salary and you are money conscious so you know you'd be financially OK on your own. So, do you want a quiet life raising your child on your own, but with secure finances albeit less than your household income now. Or do you want a life with a higher household income, but lived in uncertainty, having to micro-control the finances, having to check up on DH like a Gestapo guard, plus raising a child?

I know which I'd choose.

I've only briefly read through as there's a lot of posts on here. But personally I wouldn't let this end your marriage.. you have absolutely every right to feel a whole array of emotions regarding this, but, if you're happy in every other aspect of your marriage, then I think it's definitely worth a shot... on your terms. Even more so with a baby on the way, if you're still in love and happy with him, then I feel it's best for you and the baby, to give you all that chance at being a family together.

If I were you, I would cease control over all his bank cards, and get access to his online banking, which I would then check regularly.
I would pay the £15 per month fee for an Experian report in his name.. this will show everything that he has ever borrowed, owes or even applied for. And to be honest, if his addiction is that bad, I would do the same in your own name, just in case he's crossed that line.
I would then draw him out a weekly 'allowance'.
I would even go as far as asking him to provide receipts for what he spends that allowance on.

My friends recently tried to apply to take the equity out of their home for an extension, and they were refused because her husband places one online bet per month, and was seen as unreliable.

Hope it all works out for you

Also, I would insist he sees a professional about his addiction

He'a already expecting you to do all the sorting. You're the one asking him to go, he's the one who only told you about this after he got caught, he's the one who is already borrowing from you. He has been lying to you for 12 years.

Ideally I would separate for a bit to clear the air and really hit home that we are on the brink ... I will only worry that he spends more money living away from home

I see where you're coming from, but am sure you recognise that geography makes little difference if he's really determined to gamble. You could even say it would be a test of just how sincere he is about stopping

The alternative's contained in HollowTalk's superb posts about the reality of a future with someone like this - frankly, I've rarely seen it better put

I would end it yes. My DS lived with a gambler for 10 years, had 2 children with him, then he left and she was left paying off all his gambling debts he had hidden from her, she had the option to pay them or lose her home. Gamblers dont tend to get better until they hit rock bottom. My DS ex is now a racing reporter and has turned his life around but not before ruining hers.

I think the worst things about these situations is that no answer is a happy one. Stay and you have to police his money for the rest of your lives. Divorce and you lose your family life. I would honestly go with the option that will cause you and your child least pain and stress. You’re right, how can you trust him? Well, you can’t. Addiction might be considered an illness but you will certainly never be able to trust him with money ever again. If you feel you have it in you to police his money then it will be worth trying. Something else though is that if he hands control of everything over to you he actually leaves himself vulnerable if you leave him doesn’t it?

Also, a nature of an addict is to minimise. I would be very concerned that the 20k is what he has chosen to confess to. What if the amount is double that?

This is a shit situation for you. You would not be unreasonable to stay or leave. Do whatever will make your life long term happier

But personally I wouldn't let this end your marriage.. you have absolutely every right to feel a whole array of emotions regarding this, but, if you're happy in every other aspect of your marriage, then I think it's definitely worth a shot... on your terms

Every aspect of her marriage has been built on a lie.

I would think with a baby on the way the time to go is now. Do you really want to be checking up daily on a husband who needs watching like a hawk. Taking over all the finances, shopping and buying anything that is needed whilst having a newborn on 2 hours sleep.

I always play out scenarios and picture in 10, 20 years time what my life would look like.
With a gambler you can never be sure they are never going to do this again until they have died.

The issue I was trying to get across when I said alcohol and drugs effect the addict, gamblers affect everyone is that alcoholics and drug addicts can only consume so much drink and drugs before they fall over and they eventually get sick so there is an end in site. Gamblers can carry on and on. They body doesn't have an off switch.

I get where you're coming from @Oliversmumsarmy, but personally, I would much rather have to take control over everything, even on two hours sleep.. than see my baby be brought up in a preventable split family. I wouldn't cope well with my child staying elsewhere on a regular basis, if I could help it.
I completely understand, in a lot of situations, being separate is better for all concerned, including the child. I just feel from what he OP said about her marriage, that I don't think that would be the case. The 2 hours a night sleep will soon come to and end.. and also, what's to say, this baby isn't the wake up call he needs?

Whether you maintain some form of relationship with him, and whether you remain legally tied to him and jointly liable for any debts he has run up or continues to run up, don't necessarily need to have the same answer.

Having read through everything posted, I honestly would not want to remain legally tied to someone who had put me at risk like this. Least of all if I was about to have a baby.

12 years of deceit, over something that could potentially cause me and my child to lose our home? Nope. He's not even taking charge of it now it's come out, is he?

I'd be pretty sceptical about the size of that debt.

If you don't feel you could trust him if you separated, doesn't that tell you what you need to know? I would see a solicitor before you do anything else.

Have you verified the debts are what he says they are conflicted? gamblingaddict post was spot on. I’m so sorry for you - make sure he tells his parents about it, do they know?

Sadly, the stress of the infertility may well have made the addiction worse, it’s not that he set out to do it BUT this isn’t the first time he’s done this, and I can’t see why you’d believe him that it’ll be the last time at this point so you need to protect you and the baby financially, as a priority, whatever you do about the marriage.

I wonder what would happen if you went to a forum for the families of gambling addicts and asked what proportion of them stopped gambling after being found out once and owing over £20K at that point.

I also wouldn’t be optimistic about promises to change for the baby’s sake - that’s the Disney idea but I’ve yet to find any real life addiction a baby made better - you are so exhausted in the early days it makes things harder, not easier

He couldn't do it for the maternity leave, so why would he do it for the baby?

Id be separating finances. You do sound strong. And self aware.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through OP.
My DP gambled all his earnings and savings away and the one time he was meant to pay our landlord he gambled all the rent money away. That was about 8 hours after I gave birth.
But I have stayed with him and a couple of years later I have still got control of all money in the household.I also check his credit constantly.
To be fair to him he has never taken credit out to gamble with.

For me I stayed for all his other positives and there are many. I see it as everyone has to compromise in some way in a relationship and I was and am willing to take the responsibility of finances to keep us together.

YANBU to consider ending it but also YANBU to think of staying.

I just wonder what he’d be like if I wasn’t so self sufficient. I work really hard to juggle a full time job, keep the house beautiful and in order, provide varied, nice food and save money. I am low maintenance, I don’t demand presents and things. I allow him all the freedom he wants. I’m not blowing my own trumpet but I look back and wonder how he could have such little respect for me.

The fact that he doesn’t feel a need to try to make my life easier by attempting to clear his debt as much as possible within his means each month is one thing, but to actively get further and further in debt each month by making the situation worse, meaning I’m completely reliant upon myself just makes me think this isn’t real love. I’m
Not the kind of woman who needs ‘protecting’ or looking after but at the same time, it would be nice on reflection to feel that he was looking out for me at such a transformational time.

This entire thread has made me reevaluate my life and marriage. As a matter of fact, I’m not someone who needs to be around people all the time, I have utterly fantastic supportive parents who are actually more like friends as well parents and I couldn’t have more respect for them. My dad is the kind of man who still feels the need to safeguard his (now grown up kids’) future and never stops putting money by for something or other. I never compare the two because before I woke up to what was staring me in the face I had a lot of respect for my husband. What I’m trying to say, is I know I’d be ok on my own raising the baby myself if it came to it.

The advice here has been brutal in parts but all completely honest and I’m very grateful.

Leave him and protect your finances, ie, divorce.
Raise your baby with or without his help.
You cannot trust a word he says.

Don’t end the marriage over this but break the cycle i.e get him away from internet and any gambling places even if it means going on holiday away from it all. Two weeks away from gambling will show him it’s not the end and show him what he stands to loose.