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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know the sex of my baby

166 replies

m4rdybum · 19/08/2018 19:24

Me & DH have decided that we're going to ask to know the sex of the baby at our 20 week scan in a couple of weeks (of course, on the proviso they don't have their legs crossed).

When first deciding, I said that I would like to know but that if DH didn't want to know then neither of us would find out (to reduce the risk of accidentally saying what it was).

DH has been chatting to people at work about the upcoming scan, as you do, and many of his colleagues are shocked we're finding out. One even made a point of saying "we were only bothered about the child being healthy".

Obviously, our number one concern is our child's health, and us knowing the sex doesn't mean we're choosing it. I actually thought I would be more bothered about which I wanted, but it hasn't crossed my mind that I have a preference, yet.

I won't be going mad with pink or blue things and really only like the idea of knowing so as to get used to the idea - if that's the right turn of phrase? It would also be nice to have a better idea of what names we need to think about, to help whittle it down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 20/08/2018 13:07

let me just say, finding out on birth, is amazing

Not always, as I posted. If I’d waited until the births I’d have missed out on the happy surprise altogether.

That happy birth moment is not guaranteed, that myth needs to be dispelled a bit imo.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 20/08/2018 13:23

I find it both weird and amusing that people insist BOTH that they 'didn't find out because they were happy either way' AND that 'finding out at the birth was the most amazing surprise', which to me seems to be the ultimate overemphasis on sex - when I had mine I was surprised and in awe that I had an actual real baby, I can't imagine that it would have been any more magical if I hadn't already known he was a boy. We found out partially because it didn't seem like a big deal either way, so why turn down the information to turn it into a bigger 'mystery'? I was also glad I found out because other people were already annoying me with their endless speculation on whether it was a boy or a girl based on stupid old wives' tales - I couldn't have taken another 20 weeks of that! 'It's a boy' seemed to shut all that down nicely.

PPPMA · 20/08/2018 13:35

We aren't finding out. We just don't want to. We look forward to the surprise and neither of us have a preference. I have no judgement towards those who do find out. It's a personal decision and nothing to do with how good a person you are/how much you love your baby.

It's really no big deal either way!

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 20/08/2018 13:44

We had surprises with both children and I would again but we were in the minority of friends and colleagues etc. Out of my NCT group 8/9 knew- we were the 1/9 who didn’t!

ESki26 · 20/08/2018 14:49

My husband really wanted to but I didn’t. I liked the idea of having the surprise at birth, and apparently so did the little man because they couldn’t tell at the 20 week scan as he was in an awkward position. I also didn’t want the “obligatory” pink or blue stuff (MIL was convinced our baby boy was a girl and we had lots of pink clothes she then had to return!) We got a lot of judgement too for not knowing, so you’re be damned either way by some people so just do what you want!

FrayedHem · 20/08/2018 15:02

YANBU it's purely down to personal preference and there's nothing wrong with finding out, and nothing wrong with not.

I did with DS1, 3 & 4, but not 2. DS2 was an EMCS and I don't remember it being any different or special than finding out on scan. What was sweet was they knew we hadn't found out and they lifted him up to show us, rather than announcing it verbally. I don't know why I just assumed they would have shouted "It's a boy!!" but that's probably a bad tv movie influenced belief!

Lookingforadvice123 · 20/08/2018 15:11

I personally found it beneficial to find out the sex as it made me feel closer to the baby and bond with them, as I could picture them as a little person. We found out with DS at 16 weeks and will be this time too. It'll help when we can tell him there's a baby girl/boy on its way plus I can sort through all of his stuff to keep/wash etc depending on the sex.

mummytoc · 20/08/2018 16:53

I maybe going against the grain here... but my husband and I chose to find out the gender and then not tell anyone... it was exciting keeping it a secret between us and interesting hearing family and friends predictions, we decorated the nursery with greens and yellows as not to give the game away and it pleased the older generations of our families, maybe it’s the way to go?

mummytoc · 20/08/2018 16:54

Oh and we fibbed that we weren’t going to find out when we did, to avoid all the tricks to try and get us to spill... our family and friends believed we hadn’t found out when we had Smile

reallyanotherone · 20/08/2018 16:59

This thread is interesting.

It seems that many people find out the sex so they can gender the nursery and buy gendered baby clothes etc.

Yet we also get many people on other threads posting that a love of pink flowers and fairies for girls, wheels and mud for boys is innate and natural.

This thread is a great example of how babies and children are met with societal gender expectations from birth....

Original poster
m4rdybum · 20/08/2018 17:03

Why is your DH so strongly swayed by other people's opinions?

No husband bashing, please.

DH is still wanting to find out, but just like us mum's, has been made to feel shame around a decision chosen for our child.

OP posts:
NothingOnTellyAgain · 20/08/2018 17:06

I'm not bashing him I just think it's weird that he made a perefectly normal decision and now he's been made to feel "shame" by some people at work.

I find that weird.

I'd just say to the people at work OK whatever and smile and nod and do whatever the fuck I liked.

Original poster
m4rdybum · 20/08/2018 17:07

It seems that many people find out the sex so they can gender the nursery and buy gendered baby clothes etc.

Not us - and we're not going for anything innately gender neutral either.

Our nursery will be woodland themed so will be light browns and greens and a lot of new born stuff we have is white and grey.

As PP's have said, for us it's more of a bonding thing.

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 20/08/2018 17:15

For me it's an interest thing - and given that most sonographers can see at the scan, the idea of someone knowing more about my baby than we do would irk me! We've never gendered the nursery or clothes, despite being on DS4.

I think it's everyone's choice but really don't like the people who say smugly 'we wanted a surprise', as if every baby ever hasn't been amazing and surprising!

BlueBug45 · 20/08/2018 17:31

@reallyanotherone I've noticed that as well.

Anyway as a PP said the reason I don't want to know the sex of my baby is because I can afford to buy bits outside the sales Hmm Odd that you can buy gender neutral clothes in the sales....

RayneDance · 20/08/2018 17:48

I had to know!! I'd had lots of shocks. I wanted to know the sex and it's glorious I loved it.

sirmione16 · 20/08/2018 17:55

We had an early scan to find out, and trust me - people judge either way unfortunately. I've learnt parenthood is a journey of judgement - by others and even start double guessing yourself.

Try and rise above it, people have opinions - they're not right or wrong.

GruffaloStick · 20/08/2018 18:15

I had fortnightly growth scans from 17 weeks so I asked to know as we thought the sex would become obvious eventually when we could or couldn't see a penis.
My DD is currently bouncing around the living room showing no signs of harm from so many scans Confused
My in-laws decided they didn't want to know and were very pissed off when I let slip which I thought was a bit odd

GruffaloStick · 20/08/2018 18:16

Also I find it strange people saying what a wonderful surprise it was when they found out at delivery. Surely in 99.9% of births it's going to be a 50/50 outcome

Ihuntmonsters · 20/08/2018 18:32

We didn't want to know with ds, and then when we did want to know with dd she made sure that we didn't find out Grin

I think it's a personal choice to be made, and not for others to comment on (except that everything to do with babies gets comments) but did find it a little strange at one of my antinatal groups that one set of parents were calling their bump by name at an incredibly early point (IVF baby). Just seemed strange to have named their child before they met him.

I'm also not sure it's very helpful that the only thing prospective parents know about their child is their sex, I get that it's helpful in narrowing down name choices (we really struggled with choosing a boy's name for dd, and obviously in retrospect neededn't have bothered) but I do think it encourages very gendered thinking. Why does the sex really matter for decorating a nursery for example? Doesn't the baby's colouring matter more when choosing clothes than their sex, as the style for new borns is mostly about practicality and no different for boys or girls.

Lookingforadvice123 · 20/08/2018 19:40

mummytoc interested to know why you wanted to keep it a secret that you knew? A friend did this and I banged on throughout that her baby was definitely a girl and it was a boy, which they knew all along Grin they did fess up once he was born, but BIL and SIL did the same recently, except BIL fessed up to DH, but obviously didn't tell his wife, so now that baby is here they're still pretending they didn't know which I find a bit odd! Fair enough to keep it to yourselves but then fess up at the end!

AnnaT45 · 20/08/2018 19:43

I find there is judgement both ways. I personally got 'aren't you worried you won't bond and how will you be prepared' comments. let's be honest knowing the sex will not prepare you for the shit show that is becoming a parent Wink the bonding one can sting a bit as it's said like you're not arsed about bonding!

Anyway the point is people will judge you no matter what. Just ignore and do what you want. And do that throughout your time as a parent! Just enjoy it and don't worry about other people!

reallyanotherone · 20/08/2018 19:52

Why does the sex really matter for decorating a nursery for example? Doesn't the baby's colouring matter more when choosing clothes than their sex, as the style for new borns is mostly about practicality and no different for boys or girls

Irl, no. It’s all about colour coding the genitals. Pink for girls, blue for boys. It doesn’t help that there is very little gender neutral stuff in the shops.

Just go on your local facebook page. I have seen people sell perfectly good black or red bugaboo’s because their second baby is a girl.

I bought gender neutral for mine. Which in reality means white. I did get one red/cream/dog set of sleepsuits- but it was in they boys section. When she arrived everyone went and bought clothes, and everything was pink, exclusively. Most of it totally impractical too- tights and dresses for a newborn, or jeans with flowers and fringing.

Which makes me wonder, has the advent of finding out sex prenatally led the swing back to very gendered treatment of babies and children? Most people find out, so there is little demand for gender neutral. When i had my first i walked into Next kids for the first time and was utterly gobsmacked at the rows and rows of pink, with very little else. When i was born no prenatal sex testing meant all nurseries and anything bought before birth were gender neutral. So most kids had a selection of boys and girls toys.

Yupindeedy · 20/08/2018 19:55

Honestly OP, as parents you will always have opinionated arseholes incredulously asking why you decide A and not B and others asking why you decided B and not A. Seriously, get used to it and get over it. You will NEVER please everybody so just please yourselves. You are the Mum and the Dad and what you say goes for your body, your pregnancy and your baby. End of.

On a lighter note, not knowing is like waiting for all your childhood christmasses at once so I really enjoyed that. However many friends have found out and loved knowing so I think it’s just whatever way you lean and both are totally fine Smile

LisaSimpsonsbff · 20/08/2018 20:12

I'm also not sure it's very helpful that the only thing prospective parents know about their child is their sex, I get that it's helpful in narrowing down name choices (we really struggled with choosing a boy's name for dd, and obviously in retrospect neededn't have bothered) but I do think it encourages very gendered thinking.

To be fair, isn't this also true for quite a while after the baby arrives? Mine is 6 weeks and although I, of course, think he has his own amazing personality there's not much there that I could theme a nursery around, unless I was going to theme it on boobs and slings, his two favourite things. Whether pre or post birth people are going to be picking things for their newborn based on either gender or the parent's preferences. We knew what we were having but still have a gender neutral nursery and mostly gender neutral clothes, because that's what we like.