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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know the sex of my baby

166 replies

m4rdybum · 19/08/2018 19:24

Me & DH have decided that we're going to ask to know the sex of the baby at our 20 week scan in a couple of weeks (of course, on the proviso they don't have their legs crossed).

When first deciding, I said that I would like to know but that if DH didn't want to know then neither of us would find out (to reduce the risk of accidentally saying what it was).

DH has been chatting to people at work about the upcoming scan, as you do, and many of his colleagues are shocked we're finding out. One even made a point of saying "we were only bothered about the child being healthy".

Obviously, our number one concern is our child's health, and us knowing the sex doesn't mean we're choosing it. I actually thought I would be more bothered about which I wanted, but it hasn't crossed my mind that I have a preference, yet.

I won't be going mad with pink or blue things and really only like the idea of knowing so as to get used to the idea - if that's the right turn of phrase? It would also be nice to have a better idea of what names we need to think about, to help whittle it down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lethaldrizzle · 19/08/2018 22:00

No don't find out - it's an amazing surprise

LynseyLou1982 · 19/08/2018 22:01

I wanted to know all the way through but my OH didn't and at our hospital they won't tell you unless you both agree. I was so annoyed at OH but in the end I really didn't mind and when our baby arrived it was actually quite exciting not knowing. We had a beautiful boy.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 19/08/2018 22:01

I found out with both mine, it drove me mad the number of people saying 'oh we didn't find out as we wanted a surprise', well I didn't know before the sonographer told me so it was a surprise then too! Congratulations, and I hope all goes well Flowers

Avonandice · 19/08/2018 22:05

I didnt find out with the first as it really was no preference I just wanted to know DD! was healthy due to HG I was worrying all the way through,plus the hospital were very reluctant to tell you.

Second I wanted to find out as I could plan whether it would be two in one room or a room each.DD2 refused to play ball and kept everything crossed at every one of the scans.

Third time I had no option as DS had everything on show and kept moving round so basically all his bits were very visible. Stiil seems to prefer to be naked if he can get away with it, Im just hoping he will grow out of it.

BakedBeans47 · 19/08/2018 22:10

Are your OH’s colleagues older? It seems much more usual these days to find out so I’d be surprised with younger people being “shocked” by it. I didn’t find out with either of mine but it was tempting so I can understand people wanting to know!

GummiberryJuice · 19/08/2018 22:15

@RowenaDedalus I agree with the as long as its healthy phrase too, as yes we all wish for a healthy baby but I just don't like the saying as we don't all get healthy babies and we can get healthy babies that get sick etc, it doesn't make a difference to how much we love them.

As everyone says ignore ignore ignore

We didn't find out with dd1, we found out with ds1, we didn't find out with dd2 but I just knew before she popped out and we found out with ds2 but decided not to tell anyone even the other dcs as SIL was also pg and had made it quite clear she wanted a ds and was due before me so I didn't want to say anything.

Finding out didn't change how I felt when they were born, in awe of this little (or incase of the boys not so little) person who had made our family bigger & better.

TillyTheTiger · 19/08/2018 22:22

I think it's far more unusual not to find out. I actually found it very irritating being asked questions like "but how will you know what colour to paint the nursery?", and "but how can you bond with the baby if you don't know whether it's a boy or a girl?", or "ooh I'd feel so unprepared if I didn't know what I was having, how can you decide on names properly?"
None of anyone else's business whether you choose to find out or not - do whatever you'll be most happy with.

Aria2015 · 19/08/2018 22:23

You only find out the sex once right? Either at a scan or after the birth? What's the difference? Waiting until birth involves a bit more waiting but that's all. If you want to know then go for it!

usingadifferentname · 19/08/2018 22:26

Vicky1990

I had 9 scans with my baby. Yes, 9. 4 of those were private, 5 were NHS. I was a nervous wreck due to previous issues and seeing my baby regularly helped my anxiety. I did a lot of research and spoke to many sonographers and they told me that a scan would not in any way harm a baby. Not dealing with my anxiety would have caused my child more harm. Please stop spouting nonsense. Anomaly scans are in place for the health of the baby.

Incidentally I did not find out the sex at any point.

YerAuntFanny · 19/08/2018 22:50

YANBU, find out if you both want to. It's not like you're not going to find out sooner or later anyway.

With that said I do find it odd on these threads that it seems fair game to insinuate that anyone who doesn't find out is disorganised, not bonded with their unborn baby or middle class (althought that's a new one Hmm) whilst stating that people should respect their choice to find out... it works both ways surely. Neither way does anyone any harm.

We didn't find out for various reasons yet still managed to prepare, bond and definitely not be middle class atleast not that I know of since social class is a made up thing

PrtScn · 20/08/2018 12:02

I found out the gender of mine, I had enough of a surprise finding out that I was pregnant, and I was too excited to wait.
Loads of people have asked me what sex I'm having and I've not had a single person comment negatively about us finding out. Also there are quite a few people at work currently pregnant and only one has decided that they don't want to know the sex of the baby. So from my experience, most people actually do find out the gender.
It's a lot easier thinking of names now, and decorating the room etc (I also know for sure what I'm having as I've had NIPT and stenographer at 20 week scan confirmed).

happymummy12345 · 20/08/2018 12:04

It is more unusual not to find out. I'd never ever want to know until the birth, and so many people are surprised that we didn't find out. But it was best for us and I'm glad we didn't.

QueenOfMyWorld · 20/08/2018 12:09

I wanted to find out so I could refer to my baby as he or she but I wasn't bothered either way

randomsabreuse · 20/08/2018 12:10

We found out with our first - had to get an extra scan as it was trust policy not to tell until 24 weeks. Made things logistically easier - as we had a source of girl hand me down but not boy stuff...

This time had a harmony test at 13 weeks ish and decided to find out then. Makes bonding and planning easier, means I can pass definite girl stuff on to friends and declutter more stuff!

NothingOnTellyAgain · 20/08/2018 12:13

It's perfectly normal to find out, and also not to find out.

Most round here find out, I didn't and people were surprised at our patience but hardly shocked or anything.

Do what you want it's fine.

Why is your DH so strongly swayed by other people's opinions?

Ski4130 · 20/08/2018 12:16

@Bluelonerose, sorry, but this made me smile To me it just felt like if I found out I would know exactly who was coming and there would be no excitement ..... I was so bored by the time I had my babies, due to knowing their sex since 26 weeks, it was a massive anti climax and I considered sending them back (wink)

Winchester89 · 20/08/2018 12:25

I didn't find out with first and currently carrying second and also wont find out. But people are SO shocked that we aren't finding out - so I guess it depends on who you are speaking to.
Shouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks!

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 20/08/2018 12:27

I didn’t get the amazing feeling at the birth, I didn’t want to hold my babies straight away, nor when they’d been cleaned up. I felt a bit cheated as generally these feelings are stated at fact.

Finding out the gender before the birth was the right thing for me as I would simply not have cared at the birth. The shock of labour made me disconnect from it all I think, then dealing with PND after it meant I was glad to take the happy surprise at 20 weeks.

I could not love my kids more, but from birth up to a couple of months old was a hard time for me.

Do what you want, Don’t let others influence you.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 20/08/2018 12:35

I totally relate, we want to know as we want to be as prepared as possible. People have asked if we want to know and then made us feel bad for our choice as it's "a lovely surprise" and "the last one of life's great secrets". It is nothing to do with anyone but us, and whether we find out at 20 weeks or 40 weeks, it doesn't change that this baby will be loved and wanted, regardless of whether it is a boy or girl!

amilosingitor · 20/08/2018 12:36

I agree, more people are shocked that we haven't found out and didn't want to know. I think most people find out these days, each to their own.

GrumbleBumble · 20/08/2018 12:41

Didn't find out - lots of people were appalled how could I prepare without knowing what I was having (ummm easy really if its a boy we'll call him X, if its a call we'll call her Y, pale aqua nursery with bight animal themed accessories and lots and lots of not pink or baby blue clothes - I had every single stitch of clothes in new born, 0-3 and 3-6 before I gave birth and had some up to age 2) far from being disorganised I was so organised that I was not only ready for the first baby but also for any others we would have in the future. I never wanted to know and bonded really well but if you want to know find out. I've known the full range from found out as early as they could and told everyone the sex and name, found out but didn't tell other people, found out but told people they didn't know and didn't find out. None of the about didn't care if their baby was healthy or not and all of them had people tell them they were wrong for finding out/not finding out. Its totally your call.

FromNowOn · 20/08/2018 12:45

I didn’t find it with either of mine and to be honest I thought I was quite unusual not finding out as everyone else I know has!

Some people didn’t believe me that I didn’t know the sex. Why would I lie about it?

I loved finding out at birth, it was amazing for us, but you do whatever is right for you. Sometimes I do think there is too much over sharing, when I know the sex, full name and have seen the 4d scan, there’s not really anything left to tell anyone apart from ‘they’re here’. But I imagine not everyone will agree!

divadee · 20/08/2018 12:47

I found out at 12 weeks through harmony testing. I still asked at the 20 week scan. And I asked again when she was born Grin

Its up to you. Ignore everyone else. I'm terrible at surprises and I like to know things in advance.

DesertSky · 20/08/2018 12:48

Everyone is entitled to do what they like. It’s nobody else’s business.
I found out with all 3 of mine because I like to be organised and wanted to do up the nurseries accordingly, but also so I could decide on a name. Luckily for me, their sexes were all very obvious at their scans. Personally, I loved being able to name mine before they were born and would talk to them using their name. I felt it helped me bond with each of them. My surprise was meeting them when they arrived Smile

Kezzie200 · 20/08/2018 13:01

You are not being unreasonable to want to know but let me just say, finding out on birth, is amazing. I cannot imagine that feeling ever being the same at a scan.

I had two "unknowns" mainly because it was the start of the technology and they did make mistakes, so I wouldn't have had the major practical advantage of being able to buy appropriate clothes anyway.

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