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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know the sex of my baby

166 replies

m4rdybum · 19/08/2018 19:24

Me & DH have decided that we're going to ask to know the sex of the baby at our 20 week scan in a couple of weeks (of course, on the proviso they don't have their legs crossed).

When first deciding, I said that I would like to know but that if DH didn't want to know then neither of us would find out (to reduce the risk of accidentally saying what it was).

DH has been chatting to people at work about the upcoming scan, as you do, and many of his colleagues are shocked we're finding out. One even made a point of saying "we were only bothered about the child being healthy".

Obviously, our number one concern is our child's health, and us knowing the sex doesn't mean we're choosing it. I actually thought I would be more bothered about which I wanted, but it hasn't crossed my mind that I have a preference, yet.

I won't be going mad with pink or blue things and really only like the idea of knowing so as to get used to the idea - if that's the right turn of phrase? It would also be nice to have a better idea of what names we need to think about, to help whittle it down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sunnymeg · 19/08/2018 20:38

I had to find out as there is a history of congenital heart problems in boys in my family and expecting a boy meant that I would have to give birth in a different hospital so that he could have emergency surgery as a newborn if necessary. It turned out that I was expecting a boy and was shipped off to our county hospital for the rest of my pregnancy and to give birth. Fortunately DS arrived hale and hearty and although they whisked him off for about an hour as soon as he was born for tests, everything else was straightforward.

Eachpeachpearplumbs · 19/08/2018 20:38

@hidillyho I’m genuinely interested in this too. I think it’s because a few people I know who are quite class conscious have made a point about not finding out, and saying it’s traditional and that’s the best thing to do, whilst also making the point they don’t need to budget and pick up clothes cheaply in the sales etc to prepare and they can buy whatever they need at any point.

I’m thinking of some of the baby groups I took ds too also, a couple of miles up the road quite well to do area and there did seem to be lesser a focus on gender specific items/clothing.
A couple of miles from me the other way, a more deprived area, i just noticed there were a lot more girls in frilly dresses, baby pink and blue prams etc.

It’s probably my skewed observations, but just a possible association I have noticed.
Doesn’t mean anything to me personally. I didn’t find out first time. Can’t wait to this time. Plus I do need to watch my money and it will let me budget for things I see coming up in the sales etc so definitely not middle class Grin

And people should just take pleasure in whatever they like, finding out/surprise. Bright pink pram or a ‘gender neutral grey’ if it makes you happy so what!

Astrid2 · 19/08/2018 20:38

At my 20 week scab, the sonographer said it was 80% of people now ask to know! So you're definitely not unusual! It's personal preference really. I didn't find out and will never ever forget the moment my daughter was born and we found out. However you will probably never forget the way you find out. Don't let it bother you. Just remember the point if your 20 week scam is to check for anomalies so make sure this is top priority.

kaytee87 · 19/08/2018 20:41

I'm middle class and I found out 🤷🏼‍♀️ it's just another thing you can find out about your baby at a scan. I don't know why people agonise over it.

JacquesHammer · 19/08/2018 20:43

I found out. My then DH’s elderly grandparent wasn’t well and we wanted them to know. Fortunately they went into remission and have shared many years with DD but I’m still glad we found out!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2018 20:43

I really don't understand why anyone has any opinion on this for someone else's child. I understand people having an opinion (not necessarily voicing it) on other parents discipline, routine, feeding, education etc - you know the things that might possibly have a bearing on the future job or health of a child. But finding out the sex of a baby at 20 instead of 40 weeks has no bearing on anything at all. I can't believe anyone has enough shits to give am extra one for this when it's not even their baby

Flev · 19/08/2018 20:48

I'm currently pregnant and we decided to find out because I wanted to be able to talk about my baby as "he" or "she", rather than "baby" or "it". I think for me it's helped me bond - but completely agree with PP who've said that when you're pregnant everyone has an opinion and no matter what you decide on any matter, someone will think you're wrong and volunteer that opinion to you!

Redgreencoverplant · 19/08/2018 20:49

Don't listen to anyone else it's a completely personal decision. We found out and I am so glad we did as I didn't get that amazing birth rush. I was utterly exhausted and pretty much out of it and then quickly went into PND. Having that day at 20 weeks of pure excitement is such a happy memory to balance out the day DS was born.

Bellyscreen · 19/08/2018 20:51

Very personal decision... I had lots of family stress during my first pregnancy and I found that calling my baby ‘she’ rather than ‘it’ really helped me to bond with her during the tough times.

Bellyscreen · 19/08/2018 20:52

@Flev - snap!

Loulabelle25 · 19/08/2018 20:52

We found out. It wasn’t that we had a preference regarding the sex - we just wanted to know! It’s no more of a suprise at delivery than it is when the sonographer tells you. Plus it’s been nice being able to refer to the baby as him throughout the pregnancy.

jellyandsoup · 19/08/2018 20:53

Of course it's up to you what you do.
I have done it both ways and for me I found it more exciting knowing, everyone goes on about the surprise, but I loved knowing I was having a boy, when my dd was born it took me ages to get my head round the idea, I was obviously thrilled but just a bit she'll shocked, I didn't feel that with my first.

dinosaurkisses · 19/08/2018 21:01

DH and I are both very nosy people, so we just wanted to know.

I could try and dress it up by saying we’re big planners or wanted to narrow down name lists, but that would be a lie- we were just too curious.

I’m glad we did- when DD was born I was so exhausted and whacked out on painkillers that the moment she was put on my chest is a total foggy blur and I wouldnt have got the true surprise that we got at the anomaly scan.

WomblingWoman · 19/08/2018 21:02

DH and I wanted to find out simply to reduce by 50% the headache of choosing a name Grin

Neither of us had any preference one way or the other.

Tbh I think it's fine to want to know and equally fine to want a surprise.

That said we were both certain it was a boy - no idea why and it was!

LokiBear · 19/08/2018 21:02

I also found that, because I said things like 'its a girl but im not planning on buying lots of pink because im not a big pink fan', when chatting in general, people who wanted to buy the baby a gift bought different colour babygros and things. When I had dd1, because we didnt find the sex out until the birth, we were inundated with pink.

Nothisispatrick · 19/08/2018 21:09

We found out at 20 weeks, couldn’t see any reason not to! And I agree that being able to refer to the baby as ‘she’ has been great.

Vicky1990 your comments are ridiculous. Finding out if your baby has an issue at the 20 week scan could save it’s life.

Sarahandduck18 · 19/08/2018 21:11

I wanted to know and I found out each time.

ThinksTwice · 19/08/2018 21:12

It is a personal choice imo.

I didn't find out and for me the best part was finding out after I had given birth. It gave a sort of joy and happiness when they said "It's a little girl" and "it's a boy!"

It was fabulous telling my family after what sex we had! I will never forget hearing the words "it's a girl" and "it's a boy" after a painful labour/birth.

Original poster
m4rdybum · 19/08/2018 21:18

It is possible that having a scan could harm your baby, why take the risk of an unnecessary medical intervention.
Let nature take its course and wait and see, it serves no purpose to know before the birth the sex of your child.

Sorry to be rude, @Vicky1990, but do sod off.

We're not having a sexing scan - it's a 20 week anomaly scan, where they check for issues with the baby. Can you point me in the right direction for the stats you found saying a scan will harm my baby? Hmm

OP posts:
Sheldonoscopy · 19/08/2018 21:26

I couldn’t wait to find out with ds1. Was told at 13 weeks ‘don’t go rushing out buying blue yet, but..!’ And he was right.
With ds2 I was so anxious with all I had going on around me, it was lovely to be told ‘look, there’s the proof, there’s your son!’ And to get ds1 used to the idea- who actually named his brother in the end. I didn’t care either way, but both times it helped me feel more connected to the person growing inside me.

I say ignore what his colleagues say and do what pleases you- you don’t have to tell them anyway.
Oh, and the ‘as long as baby’s healthy I’m happy’ is all well and good but ds1 wasn’t born healthy, so with ds2 when people said that I was ‘no, as long as ds is happy, I’m happy- healthy or not, I’ll love him all the same’

Original poster
m4rdybum · 19/08/2018 21:29

When your preggers everyone seems to feel they can voice their thoughts as the correct or beat way to do things.

Tell me about it - already had my supervisor at work discuss with me the "etiquette" of breastfeeding.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 19/08/2018 21:31

I found out. I had to know, we picked the hospital just so we could find out. I had no preference on the sex, but I just wanted to know.

Vicky1990 Can I go out on a limb and assume that you are, anti vax, flat earth, moon landing was fake, Australia doesnt exist, kind of person?

applesisapple5 · 19/08/2018 21:37

I was the only mum to be in my antenatal group that knew, but at the same time my friend was the only one in her group that didn't!

Obviously you first and foremost want a healthy baby, I was suuuper anxious but still wanted to know the gender (TBH I have a stepson and wanted to know so I was prepared for potential comparisons - of course there are none but I'd found myself erring towards hoping for a girl for that reason so I'm glad personally that I knew in advance I was having a boy!)

It's a v personal choice!

happypoobum · 19/08/2018 21:56

In my immediate friendship group I think only one person found out - and yes we are all very MC.

I do work with a woman who was told she was having a boy and she nearly had a breakdown when a lovely baby girl arrived - it really did make her very ill at such an important time.

I cannot see the point myself but if it's what you want to do OP then it is nobody elses business (aside from DH)

peachgreen · 19/08/2018 21:58

I wanted to know as I'd had a previous miscarriage and was having trouble bonding with the baby - knowing the gender really helped. I don't think I'll find out next time as I'll be less anxious and the surprise would be fun. Couldn't care less what anyone else does!

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