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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to know the sex of my baby

166 replies

m4rdybum · 19/08/2018 19:24

Me & DH have decided that we're going to ask to know the sex of the baby at our 20 week scan in a couple of weeks (of course, on the proviso they don't have their legs crossed).

When first deciding, I said that I would like to know but that if DH didn't want to know then neither of us would find out (to reduce the risk of accidentally saying what it was).

DH has been chatting to people at work about the upcoming scan, as you do, and many of his colleagues are shocked we're finding out. One even made a point of saying "we were only bothered about the child being healthy".

Obviously, our number one concern is our child's health, and us knowing the sex doesn't mean we're choosing it. I actually thought I would be more bothered about which I wanted, but it hasn't crossed my mind that I have a preference, yet.

I won't be going mad with pink or blue things and really only like the idea of knowing so as to get used to the idea - if that's the right turn of phrase? It would also be nice to have a better idea of what names we need to think about, to help whittle it down.

AIBU?

OP posts:
emsiboob · 19/08/2018 20:04

Why do you care what other people think? We did both times but just kept it between ourselves so was. Surprise for everyone else.

emsiboob · 19/08/2018 20:04

Why do you care what other people think? We did both times but just kept it between ourselves so was. Surprise for everyone else.

emsiboob · 19/08/2018 20:05

Why do you care what other people think? We did both times but just kept it between ourselves so was. Surprise for everyone else.

emsiboob · 19/08/2018 20:05

Why do you care what other people think? We did both times but just kept it between ourselves so was. Surprise for everyone else.

stripeytshirt77 · 19/08/2018 20:05

Yabu for caring what others think.

We didn’t want to find out, we had difficult news at our 20 week scan which made the sex of the baby even less important. (Dd was fine in the end)

I’m so glad we waited though, I wish I could relive the moment she was put in me and I discovered she was a girl. Amazing. But that’s just my feelings. Smile

Eachpeachpearplumbs · 19/08/2018 20:08

Just to through something else into the mix, does anyone think it’s a snobbery/middle class thing not to find out? Or more like people think it’s a middle class thing not to find out, so that’s what they do. Similar to the way some people will choose certain names as they are ‘middle class’.

Sort of like the opposite to something like gender reveal party, which some of the more refined say are uncouth.

Should have mentioned as well op I’m finding out can’t wait. Might even have a party let everyone else know the sex too Grin

reallyanotherone · 19/08/2018 20:08

I think it’s pretty rare these days not to find out the sex.

I don’t like it because generally people tend to jump straight to stereotype, and start posting on facebook about their little princess or little man- kicks are a future footballer or a girl giving her mum grief already.

My il’s buy into gender lock stock - boy grandchildren are fed constantly and allowed to play video games all day, girl grandchildren just love to be given a duster and help round the house...and if I’d have made it public i’d have been inundated in pink dresses, toy vacuums, kitchens, dolls before the baby was even born.

It does make me wince when people start attributing social gender to an unborn child- half the time they don’t even realise they’re doing it.

But i think the main reason i didn’t find out is i didn’t have a preference. Finding out would have meant my chance to have a boy was gone half way through the pregnancy. It would have been bittersweet, as while i was delighted to have a girl, i was equally sad not to have a boy, and vice versa, iyswim....

LokiBear · 19/08/2018 20:09

I didnt find out with my first but I wanted to with my second. It made no difference to the end result. Telling people 'its a girl!' was just as lovely during my pregnancy than it was once Id given birth. The reason I wanted to know was because I wanted to know. It made no difference to how I felt. I just wanted to know. Dont let people make you feel bad x

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/08/2018 20:12

Entirely your choice. I found out with ds because I felt I was having a girl plus I was struggling a bit with body changes/being pregnant and wanted to be able to call them a name. With dd we found out when she was lifted out of me. Dh said "girl?" in a wobbly voice and the doctor said "yes".

I can't say either experience, finding out by scan I had a boy wriggling inside me at 20 odd weeks or discovering I had a daughter seconds after she was born was better than the other.

SoozC · 19/08/2018 20:13

We both decided we wanted to find out at 20 weeks. We had a vague preference for a girl but are having a boy and we are excited regardless! Someone commented about "ruining the surprise" but we thought it's still a surprise whether you find out now or later!

Tell your DH not to listen to people. When your preggers everyone seems to feel they can voice their thoughts as the correct or beat way to do things. Do what you want to do in this pregnancy - it's your time to enjoy, so if you want to find out, go ahead! We are very glad we did.

SoozC · 19/08/2018 20:13

*best way

twiglet · 19/08/2018 20:14

They would hate us then as we have booked a private scan at 16wks because its against NHS Trust policy to tell you.

I had one colleague say oh why would you it'll ruin it but in all honesty I hate surprises and my DH is indecisive so reducing name options by 50% will help a lot!

limpbizkit · 19/08/2018 20:16

We found out with both due to impatience and curiosity. We had a boy then a girl and had no preference for sex. I wish we hadn't of found out as I'd have loved that surprise element at the end of the birth. That said I know if I could rewind time and do it again I'd still be just as impatient!!! But...... A friend of mine is pregnant and hasn't found out the sex and she keeps referring to the baby as 'it' which makes me squirm a bit. Sounds so impersonal. I liked saying 'he' and 'she' when I was pregnant. Your decision. But don't worry about justifying yourself if you don't find out. Nearly everyone does these days! Either way best of luck with your pregnancy, birth and new baby!

limpbizkit · 19/08/2018 20:18

Sorry I meant 'do' find out not 'don't'

Louiselouie0890 · 19/08/2018 20:18

Why do you care?

Beautifulblue · 19/08/2018 20:19

YANBU. I hate it when people act like they're so much better because they don't find out Hmm yes well done. Nothing will prepare you for the day your baby is born, it is AMAZING. What ever the sex, so we decided to find out because then we had 2 amazing days. When we found out we were having a girl & again when she was born. Although I imagine not knowing is exciting when they're born - it's exciting anyway because you get to see what they look like etc so do what the hell you want. Wanting to know the sex does not mean you care about that more than the health of the baby!! Hmm

PheasantPluckersSon123 · 19/08/2018 20:19

Lol congrats Vicky1990 on winning the prize for the dumbest comments I’ve ever read on the internet.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/08/2018 20:19

Aaaaarrrgggghh people are so annoying. What's it got to do with them if / when you find out? And it's not like if you find out the sex then you somehow care less about how healthy the baby is. Bizarre. And it's still a surprise just a little bit earlier. Pregnancy is long and boring and I found it nice to look forward to the 20 week scan. I also was a bit worried about lack of maternal feelings and found it helped me to bond with the bump to know the sex as I could picture it all a bit better in my mind. Some people findhe surprise of not knowing keeps them going through late pregnancy / labour and that's great - I still found there was a lot to anticipate / wonder about (hair and eye colour etc) even knowing the sex

I think the bottom line is, people are nosey idiots. Ignore

Helloisitteaurlookingfor · 19/08/2018 20:21

I didn't find out the sex of my baby but I was the minority of people I know with kids as almost everyone else I know found out what they were having so I'm more surprised at their reaction than the fact you're going to find out.

Fatted · 19/08/2018 20:24

I found out with both of mine. There's no right or wrong either way and I don't like the idea of people saying one is better than the other. Personally, I wanted to know the gender to help me bond with my babies. It's probably a good thing too because I was convinced both times I was having a girl, when in fact they were both boys. I spent the first few weeks calling my eldest Amy!!

Hidillyho · 19/08/2018 20:25

Or more like people think it’s a middle class thing not to find out, so that’s what they do. Similar to the way some people will choose certain names as they are ‘middle class

I didn’t find out and I wouldn’t have a clue what class I am. How do people know these things? (Genuinely interested as class always comes up on here)

flamingox · 19/08/2018 20:27

Your baby - your choice. I booked a private scan at 16 weeks to find out..! I would have been happy either way but I feel it made me bond with the baby a bit more after finding out.

People will always have an opinion regarding your pregnancy, your parenting choices etc. Ignore them - this is your baby!! Good luck x

ScattyCharly · 19/08/2018 20:32

Your dh’s colleagues sound pretty ignorant.

Wanting the baby to be healthy has nothing to do with the sex of the baby.

I found out with mine and the reason for finding out is my personality type. I am a planner and an organiser. I had absolutely no preference for sex, I just wanted to know as that’s how I felt. My dh felt the same as we are similar. So, our choice, we found out. Equally if people don’t wish to find out, then that’s their choice. They think differently to me. Fine, it is their choice and I certainly wouldn’t try to convince them otherwise.

Your dh is going to have to learn to ignore his colleagues sticking their noses in. It’s your baby and your decision. Not random colleagues. Does he let these colleague tell him how to vote or which clothing to wear? No (well I hope not or you have bigger problems!) of course not. It’s so arrogant to criticise other people’s private decisions.

limpbizkit · 19/08/2018 20:33

I agree with the poster who said about not finding out being a 'middle class' thing. It does seem that way.

limpbizkit · 19/08/2018 20:34

I agree with the poster who said about not finding out being a 'middle class' thing. It does seem to err that way

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