To give my DS his sister's room?

[CherryChatsworth]

So, DD is 20 and is about to enter her 2nd year at uni. DS is 11 and about to start secondary

We have a 3 bedroom house and as is normal, DD got the second largest room - us of course having the biggest! DD has the smallest - it's still classed as a double room though but only just.

Anyway it would benefit him to have her bedroom now - we cannot fit a desk and a chair in his room and he's getting to the stage where he will need one at secondary.

I've spoken with DD about this and she's distinctly unimpressed which I expected. She's away for over two thirds of the year at uni but feels she should keep her room. For what it's worth, me popping her in his room would mean her keeping her double bed - I'm not proposing a single

So why would you do? Leave the second largest bedroom in the house empty for the bulk of the year despite being able to put it to good use? Or would you turf her out?

I didn't do it in her first year away but I'd prefer to swap them round

Shan't be forcing anyone to do anything at this point but what do YOU think is reasonable?

She's 20, not a baby! I lost my room the night I went to uni. I think she's being selfish actually.

Oh, I have to say, I wouldn't. University accommodation isn't "home" and I would have been very hurt if my brother had been given my room when I left. He got it as soon as I moved into a rented flat after uni though and although I was sad to lose the room I'd grown up in I totally understood.

Can't he just use her room as a study?

It happened to me at the end of my second yr of uni. I’d just come back from my year abroad and I remember being upset at the time of having to move all my stuff, because I felt quite rootless, and my bedroom was my anchor. I also probably couldn’t be arsed to move my stuff about either! Also the bedrooms didn’t even differ that much in size!

Anyway, my mum took me shopping to Laura Ashley and we picked out some fabric for curtains, and matching bedding. I think my dad also redecorated it. I do remember being really pleased with my cosy new room, in fact I preferred it as it was in a quieter part of the house with better views! I also got rid of loads of old crap so my new room felt really grown up.

I’d say your dd’s reaction is normal but if you inspire her with some new stuff she’ll be quite excited to start afresh!

Could he use her room to do his homework?

I'm the oldest but didn't get the biggest room, I had the biggest (non master) room, and when my brother was old enough to go into his own room I was offered a choice, stay in my room or change to the smaller room but have it decorated any way I liked. Being three both rooms were big to me, and I wanted to choose how it was decorated, except they weren't both big, I royally stitched myself up with the box room until I went to uni, the room just about fit a double bed and a chest of drawers, and only because it had a built into the wall wardrobe and my dad made me a book case that hung on the wall. I moved back into that room when I graduated and it spurred me on to work hard, save as much as I could and buy my own flat.

She's had the luxury for long enough, if the other room is still a double, even a small one, it'll be fine. Even when she graduates she might move home for a while but she'll be working and out a lot of the time.

Tell her to get over it and stop being spoiled.

Yanbu. She should have offered, thats what i did. Seemed unfair to hog the best room as storage space.

Dd1 is off to uni in a few weeks. She knows she will be swapping bedrooms with dd2 at some point this year. We'll give her a few months to be sure she is happy there then we'll swap them over. Dd1's room is a double, dd2's room is a boxroom. Dd1 will be home just for holidays, dd2 will be here all year round.

Dd1 is very understanding of that fact and is quite accommodating of the fairness of dd2 having her turn in the big bedroom.

I can see why she wants to hold onto it. Uni is daunting and it's nice to come home to your own room

I didn’t think this was fair at the time but I do now. When I went to Uni my sis kind of expanded into my room and used it as her study. She used my old desk and had a separate chill out/ work room to where she slept. I wasn’t happy at the time but never went back to live at home so it didn’t really matter

I’d turf her out. She’s away 2/3 of the year anyway.

Of course ds should get the bigger room.
I speak as someone with a dc1 who has returned home after graduating, and a dc2 currently away at university and a dc3 still at home.

I also say that as a dc3 myself, who only got to have her own room when dc2 went to University. I got to move in the day after she left home .

There's no reason, even if she did come home after university, that she should get the larger room. Presumably she has had her 'turn' at having the larger room for the first 20 years, surely it is his turn by now, even if she weren't away for 1/2 the year.

Yanbu. She's had the room for several years (I presume), not fair on your DS really is it.

I'm an only child but I got turfed out when I went to uni and my dad needed a better office space. I don't remember having a choice over it- it just happened!

I volunteered because I thought it be nicer for my DSis to have the space and having left home for university I felt I didn't need the space.
My DD offered the same for her brother but he is still cramped and I'm a jumble because the Wi-fi signal is better in his room!

I was the youngest of 3 - when my sister went to uni, her room was still her room! She kept all her stuff in it and it was where she slept when she came home in the holidays. Likewise, my brother had the second largest bedroom, which stayed his room until he moved into his own house. I had the smallest room (single bed, desk, small wardrobe and it was full!) but that was my room and again, stayed my room until I went to uni. It didn't cause any issues, if I needed a table to work at because my desk wasn't large enough, I used the dining room. My sibs were all much older than me so they left home before I was a teenager. Their rooms were still theirs, I'd have felt very odd moving into one of them!

I wouldn't swap your two over. Your DD obviously still looks on your home as her home while her uni accommodation is temporary. Can you get creative with the furniture for your DS? Put a double mattress on a platform with a decent sized desk underneath?

Hic
Op has already said that scenario isn’t possible. Dd wanted this style herself but the window is too big.

Hic - nope, logistics of room mean I can't be creative in anyway like that unfortunately

Definitely give him the bigger room - its not her room it's yours!

Plus you really don't want a big room as an incentive to move home after her course!!

Has your DD been residing in halls of residence or in a house-share and how often does she return home for the weekend?

It may be that if she was previously living in halls that feels very temporary and that as she goes into her second year and moves into a house there she may start to see her university life more as her 'real life' and place less attachment to her childhood room.

It may also be that DD is ambivalent about returning to uni and is feeling that she is being pushed out of her home so that her younger brother can take her place.

I know people will say she is an adult, but, she's still a young adult and as such probably sees the world just as it affects her rather than appreciating the wider picture.

I don't think you would be at all unreasonable in swapping your DC rooms around and your DS has equal right to the room but I just wondered if there is anything else going on in respect of DD that she's not saying .

I always had the biggest child room as the eldest.
When I went and knew I'd only be coming home for short periods I actually told my Mum to put my brother (youngest and smallest room) in there as I'd be fine with smaller room.

However they stuck to the 'rule' and moved my Ds to my room, dB to her room and I had smallest.

My sister room was also of a reasonable size and I felt like DB should had it as he'd always had box (in old house and me and sis shared) and in that house.

However since sos moved it it been my DB room. And still is now.

(He's 31 and owns his own house 😂) Tbf though he's an hours drive away so him and his DP tend to stay if they come down for family events.

Tough. I'd swap them.

Swap them. I’m the eldest and had the second biggest bedroom. I think the room was still warm when it was swapped over to my brother. Didn’t have a problem with it, I had his room when I came back during the holidays. That was only Christmas really as I worked the rest of the time and stayed at my uni house so I could do this. She may not like it but she’ll get over it

Yep, swap. Of course she won't be happy. Who would be? But it's fairer.

Tbh it’s pretty crappy that she thinks because she is lucky enough to be born first that she deserves the largest room despite him needing it. I was one of three, only girl, and I never had my own reason but I knew growing up that it was necessary as my older brother was a nasty bastard and him rooming with my autistic younger brother would have been a disaster. Sort of sucked as a teen but was necessary

Apple - no she's been in a house share and she absolutely loves university so nothing else going on. She's just not keen on giving up her bedroom and I understand that

Anyway thanks for all the views. It's happening next month and she'll cope I'm sure