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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't agree this is victim blaming

441 replies

TeeJay1970 · 19/08/2018 15:29

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-merseyside-45232993

I know what victim blaming is so there is no need to define it for me.

Surely this is just good advice?

The police have had to apologise for encouraging

"friends to look after each other on a night out to prevent someone becoming vulnerable or separated from the group"

Isn't that what good friends do?

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 19/08/2018 17:10

You request for a curfew is just rampant man-hating.

You are beyond reason

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 19/08/2018 17:10

There is literally nothing a woman can do to prevent rape if that is what men are fixed on. There is a network of excuses built on to our society

Never a truer word spoken

How many women have been raped when being walked home by long trusted male friends.... damned if you do....

glintandglide · 19/08/2018 17:10

What about women who have no control over their vulnerability? Drug addicts, those with serious learning disabilities? Should they just not leave the house then?

Putyourdamnshoeson · 19/08/2018 17:12

Oh glint" nail on head again.

glintandglide · 19/08/2018 17:12

👍🏻

Hangingaroundtheportal · 19/08/2018 17:14

As for how about we teach men not to rape? Well, we already do that don't we? How many boys are brought up being told rape is ok? None.

If you believe that you are deluded. Remember Brock Turner, the 'star swimmer' who sexually assaulted a woman behind a dumpster? Remember his dad said that the rest of his life shouldn't be ruined for '20 minutes of action'?

There are plenty of men out there who have so many qualifiers around what constitutes a rape that they have lost of definition of the word.

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/08/2018 17:15

So how do we change things?

Because despite all the arguing on this thread, we all seem to be in agreement that drunk women are a target for rapists.

So how to get the message across that having sex with a woman incapable of consent is rape? Loudly and unequivocally.

NelleB · 19/08/2018 17:17

I’m sorry but we shouldn’t live in a world were women should be continuously on rape alert whether we have had one too many, gone outside alone or worn a short skirt. It’s a joke. Teach your children about consent alongside sexual education, no means no!

glintandglide · 19/08/2018 17:17

More men need to be convicted for taping drunk women. And it needs to be publicised.

glintandglide · 19/08/2018 17:17

Raping not taping

Putyourdamnshoeson · 19/08/2018 17:18

Well when men are told that drunk women are stupid slappers, therefore, probably asking for it, what do we expect.

I bet you ANYTHING that my rapists mum would never believe that what he did was rape.

Hence the huge problem with the approach of this ad campaign.

Sleephead1 · 19/08/2018 17:19

I do believe it's better for both sexes to stick with friends when on a night out for safety reasons but at the same time I got sexually assaulted when I stuck with my friend. I went back to his, slept in his spare bed and thought I was safe it just turned out he wasn't really my friend and I woke up the next morning to him in the spare bed with his fingers Inside me. So I guess sticking with your friends won't always work either.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/08/2018 17:19

So how to get the message across that having sex with a woman incapable of consent is rape? Loudly and unequivocally
Men don't care. But what we can do is give harsher punishments. Make it less traumatic to report the attacks. Preferably by not makimg victims feel responsible by listing all the behaviour "faults" thats going to he thrown at them , on a poster Hmm

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/08/2018 17:19

Of course we shouldn’t live in a world where rape happens!

A poster upthread nailed it by saying a drunk woman should be able to lie in the street starkers if she wants to without being raped and they’re absolutely right!

I do teach consent to my kids, have done since they were tiny. Both sides of it. That they don’t have to allow anyone to touch them if they don’t want to (no forced kisses or cuddles, stuff like that) but also that they shouldn’t ever touch someone who doesn’t want them to.

Is it really that simple?

YeTalkShiteHen · 19/08/2018 17:20

Men don't care. But what we can do is give harsher punishments. Make it less traumatic to report the attacks. Preferably by not makimg victims feel responsible by listing all the behaviour "faults" thats going to he thrown at them , on a poster

For someone so busy focusing on after the damage is done you take an awfully snotty tone?

What use is fixing it after the rape??? Fuck all.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 19/08/2018 17:20

yetalkshitehen start convicting the fuckers, give custodial sentences and publicise it.

A good start would be explaining to young women that whatvhappened to them was rape and not their fault.

sar302 · 19/08/2018 17:21

Make prosecution and jail for rape and sexual assault an actual reality. Don't let sports figures off because they happen to be famous. Get rid of the old school
Male judges who still think that drunk women are "asking for it". Stop bullshit tweets and adverts, like the one highlighted here, (coming from the fucking police who are supposed to be arresting the perpetrators!) that blames literally everyone possible in the scenario other than the rapist. Teach both boys and girls about consent. Make better provision for abused women, so the next generation of men don't grow up watching assaults.... I may think of more...

Putyourdamnshoeson · 19/08/2018 17:21

It happens every fucking day hen. We ARE fire fighting.

DistanceCall · 19/08/2018 17:22

Men, leave drunk girls the fuck alone, having sex with them is rape and makes you a sex offender mot a stud.

Fixed it

No you didn't. There's always going to be rapists - just as there always will be murderers, thieves, psychopaths, and paedophiles.

Rape is not something that will just go away by educating men. It's something that will always exist. And it makes sense to bear that in mind so as to avoid dangerous situations (and no, that doesn't mean that women should stay at home at night.)

BertrandRussell · 19/08/2018 17:22

How about a police campaign targeting potential rapists? How about we give our sons advice about consent before they go out? How about we teach our sons to speak out when their male friends make rape jokes, use degrading and misogynist language about women? How about we tell out sons to keep an eye out for behaviour in their friends that leads them to believe they might rape someone? How about men take some responsibility for their behaviour and the behaviour of other men for a change......

Finfintytint · 19/08/2018 17:23

Agree that if men are intent on assault there is little to be done by women.
How do we change things?
We keep naming rape accused and don’t bend to the current trend of asking to not being named until proven guilty at court.

Gileswithachainsaw · 19/08/2018 17:23

Well for starters it would be deterrent for men to see and hear of men actualky being in very serious trouble.

Right now they know full well they can do what the fuck they like while sleeping with a teacher 15 years ago and not wearing Bridget Jones pants proves they were sone kind of nympho

OftenHangry · 19/08/2018 17:23

@YeTalkShiteHen doesn't matter. Even one is too much.
We do have to bear in mind that most of sexual attacks by women actually never makes it into statistics because men will not report them either of shame or because they are told it's not a big deal because it was done by a girl.
Number of times I've seen things (yeah the things one sees at 2 AM in a club...) like a girl groping guy's crotch in a club as a joke and then call him a dick for telling her to f off. Or drunkenly approaching a guy and lifting a skirt with words "Fancy that? " then laughing and running off. Hmm Imagine it being the other way around. It's a sexual assault and harassment.

So I will always stick by my opinion that both sexes should be more educated about these things.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/08/2018 17:24

Why are people taking offence at being advised to keep yourself safe?
Nobody gets the arse at being advised on home security, and whinges that the burglars should be told not to burgle instead, do they?
Telling the rapists not to rape hasn’t actually worked, unsurprisingly.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 19/08/2018 17:25

hangry utter bullshit. The power dynamic is totally different.