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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that twatty exh is keeping DS for an extra day?

151 replies

ilovemilton · 19/08/2018 09:18

School holidays are split, first two weeks DS is with me and week 3 and 4 is with exh.

Plus, he gets extra days added on equivalent to however many days I had from close of school til the first Saturday. Yes, our order is that petty.

Prior to his week starting, we have constant texts checking the time and venue of collection and demanding an instant reply.

So, he collected DS at the start of week 3 at 10am and DS is due back today. All other holidays, he has returned at the same time as he goes. I text yesterday to confirm time and location and didn't get a reply until now, to say he's going out for the day and will head back about 3. They are staying with family about two hours away.

This morning I got up and ready, and have been sitting here all excited to see him, since exh doesn't allow contact with me during his weeks.

I know it's only a few hours, but I am so upset. He's ended up with a whole extra day and ruined our plans for today.

OP posts:
1sttimeDD · 19/08/2018 09:22

But he is also his parent? I think I would be much happier with the knowledge that he wants to spend time with his child!
I read plenty of threads on here about children being effectively abandoned by the non resident caregiver so I would count my child lucky that they have such positive contact arrangements

endofthelinefinally · 19/08/2018 09:23

Has he breached a court order?
If so, perhaps you should post in the Legal section for advice.
He doesn't allow your DS to contact you?
He sounds nasty.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 19/08/2018 09:24

We have a massive back story of abuse and control...some of you lovely mumsnetters are familiar with our story.

He isn't doing it out of love for DS, he's doing it out of control over me. DS hates his time there (DD went NC last year).

OP posts:
flumpybear · 19/08/2018 09:25

Tell him great you'll have a 'you' day

Original poster
ilovemilton · 19/08/2018 09:25

We've only recently got out of court after fours years. I'm not wanting to try and take him back. I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I'm so disappointed.

The order only uses the number of nights. The same pick up and collection times is just what we have always done.

OP posts:
Neshoma · 19/08/2018 09:27

Did he know you had plans? It's only a few hours and it's great his dad wants to keep him longer.

I'm afraid you need to be the better parent and let this slide - however if it becomes a habit and is used to control you, then you need to do something about it.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 19/08/2018 09:28

I know it's only a few hours and I'm blowing it out of proportion but I've really missed him and I'm feeling so sad I've got to wait until tonight now.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/08/2018 09:29

What??????

Breached a court order - no, doesn't sound like it, the 'extra day' is 5 hours!

Doesn't allow DS to contact her? Where does the OP say that? Did I miss a whole post?

He sounds nasty? Why? He is taking his child to see his family and, this once, they are a bit further away that would allow a mid morning handover, so he it taking an extra 5 hours, on his contact day, so his child can have contact with his extended family. Why is that nasty?

The only unreasonable behaviour here is that OP is anxious and upset and thinks her day is ruined... obviously she is entitled to feel that way, to have missed her DC, but that doesn't mean her ex is being unreasonable or nasty!

I hope the DC had a great time and that neither parent does anything to upset that... that being what is really important, isn't it?

Karatema · 19/08/2018 09:30

If he's controlling then don't let him know that this has upset you.

Welcome DS with open arms when you, eventually, see him Smile

Playing tit for tat, in this case, will only escalate so put this disappointment behind you.

ineedaholidaynow · 19/08/2018 09:31

How old is DS? If he hates his time there will he soon be able to say he doesn't want to go regardless of the court order, like your DD did?

Stormwhale · 19/08/2018 09:31

Did you all miss the red flag of not allowing any contact with the dc while they are there? In what world would a decent caring father ban their child from contacting their mother? Not sure the op should just be grateful for this!
Ok you have every right to feel upset, I would too. You must miss your dc dreadfully. Sorry this piece of shit is exerting his power over you in another way. I really feel for you and your dc.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/08/2018 09:32

Ah! Cross post. But with your further info re contact, he isn't being unreasonable

Could you try to ignore the game playing, pretend it doesn't matter until you really feel it doesn't matter? The only person getting upset is you, which might be a goad to him or not. But you would be happier if you could let him be like water off a duck's back!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 19/08/2018 09:32

I have only recently been able to speak to DS during Dad time. He's with him every other week & holidays also split into two week chunks.
Court order however specifies time of exchange.
Its part of ex trying to control you.
Are you the RP? If so, hard as it is try to let it go and do something for yourself. Otherwise you should log everything and screen.shot everything should you wish to go back to court and tighten.up details

Original poster
ilovemilton · 19/08/2018 09:33

He's 9 now. He will come home and cling to me and cry that he's missed me and hasn't been allowed to speak to me. When it gets to next contact day he will kick and scream and cry about going.

The posters who have said he is nasty is spot on.

OP posts:
ferrier · 19/08/2018 09:33

Next time he's due to have ds, make the pick up time the same as the time he drops ds back to you today.
How old is ds? Can he not have a cheap phone?

bastardkitty · 19/08/2018 09:33

I would bite the bullet and text 'no problem' because the cunt is only doing it to upset you and if it works it will become his standard offering. I would also knock on the head the expectation of an instant response. If he starts pestering by text (my ex used to do it) I would insist that anything non-urgent is dealt with by email only. And then ignore him.

Stormwhale · 19/08/2018 09:34

Samphire it's there in the op, perhaps you need to give it another read.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 19/08/2018 09:34

Yes, I did. That's why I asked if I had missed it. I had to read the OP twice before I found it.

Advice still stands. Let him play his games. He can only have the control OP allows him to have over her. If she just laughs it off she will feel more in control, more relaxed and can save her anxiety for if/when it i really needed!

ferrier · 19/08/2018 09:35

X-post.
I'd give him a phone if he's 9.

Original poster
ilovemilton · 19/08/2018 09:35

DS does have a phone. The phones are removed when they attend contact (DD used to talk about there being a "phone box"). I've checked his WhatsApp and find iPhone, neither have been on since the day he left.

OP posts:
HollyGibney · 19/08/2018 09:35

But he is also his parent? I think I would be much happier with the knowledge that he wants to spend time with his child!

He's had him for two weeks to spend time with! You could equally say that after that length of time with no contact he should be raring to get him back so he can see his mother. He's not he's kept him from her for even longer.

I know MN always loves to find a way to blame the OP no matter what, but this is not on the OP and it's mean and dismissive to try.

bastardkitty · 19/08/2018 09:37

There's always a GF on here willing to give it a go though.

NorthernSpirit · 19/08/2018 09:40

You are being unreasonable. Is it really that big a deal that dad and his child spend an ‘extra’ 5 hours together. Look at it it this way, if you were the NRP how would you like to be told when you can see your own child?

HollyGibney · 19/08/2018 09:41

And another...

bastardkitty · 19/08/2018 09:42

A regular, at that!

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