To be upset that twatty exh is keeping DS for an extra day?

[ilovemilton]

School holidays are split, first two weeks DS is with me and week 3 and 4 is with exh.

Plus, he gets extra days added on equivalent to however many days I had from close of school til the first Saturday. Yes, our order is that petty.

Prior to his week starting, we have constant texts checking the time and venue of collection and demanding an instant reply.

So, he collected DS at the start of week 3 at 10am and DS is due back today. All other holidays, he has returned at the same time as he goes. I text yesterday to confirm time and location and didn't get a reply until now, to say he's going out for the day and will head back about 3. They are staying with family about two hours away.

This morning I got up and ready, and have been sitting here all excited to see him, since exh doesn't allow contact with me during his weeks.

I know it's only a few hours, but I am so upset. He's ended up with a whole extra day and ruined our plans for today.

Oh I thought it was you. Thank fuck she's free. I completely understand your position now x

I was on your threads under a different username. It was harrowing to read, never mind living it.

I remember your other threads.

This is just a continuation of his abuse he’s almost like a text book example of how domestic abusers use contact and the court system to further abuse their child’s other parent.

I’m afraid the only way to really fix it given how he will react to you not showing a reaction is to make the court order even more petty. Specify timings and phone contact for each party during the lengthy contacts. When he compleatly disregards it or pushes it as he will it then gives you a better footing to change the situation.

I’m so sorry it’s carried on

What stands out for me is the not allowing any contact for 2 weeks, which is far too long on both sides.
I would take it back to court so you can both keep in contact with DS at reasonable times.

Nothing to add OP but sending you support and strength. I'm in a similar situation with my 7 year old DD and her dad. It breaks your heart. Posters who havn't been in an abusive relationship have no idea how powerless you and your children are even once you've escaped, and the courts make things worse more often than not.

I hope your DS makes it back to you soon. Love and strength.

What a bastard. You know it’s acoiy him controlling you.
I have a similar ex.

I’d do two things.

1. reply saying something like “I was looking forward to seeing DS, it’s not ideal changing plans at the last minute, but see you at x time”
2. get into the habit of texting DS every couple of days when he’s away “hi sweetheart, hope you’re having fun, love you” kind of thing - he may not see them, but he’ll get them when he gets his phone back. I found that really helped me - to be actively contacting and DC, because they could see I had been thinkingabout them.

Ex tried to imply to kids that I didn’t give a shit and this solved that for them. It also acted as a record that ex was preventing contact.

Hope you’re ok x

I asked for his contribution to the school uniforms. He sent me £2.48

This made me do one of those guffaw things when you’re equally shocked and amused.

Oh poor OP. And your poor kids. I’m so sorry that he’s putting you all through this.

I’m thinking of how much my DCs missed me when I was away for a few days and how we Skyped every night. I can’t imagine anyone being so cruel as to deny a child a simple phone call with a parent. He’s a sick man.

My God, if I knew that anyone I knew had paid 2.48 towards something for their kids I’d be right there handing them a fiver and telling them to fuck the fuck off. You poor thing

Is your son safe with this man?
I wouldn't reply anything other than a simple "no problem" if you show any signs of anger or disappointment he will use it against you in the future.
Does you son want to go away with his dad? If he doesn't why doesn't he? Your worried about whether you are over-reacting and how this affects you and your ex-husbands "relationship" but the main priority should be your sons happiness. If he is kicking and screaming and crying before he goes and cries when he gets back I'd find out what the hell is going on and do everything in my power to stop him from seeing him.

OP my ex is the same. Wants his 50%, drums it into the ds's that I have then 63% of the time and it's not fair, despite fact that he gets half the hols, every other weekend fri - mon, a night in week also and I'm left with the drudge of school runs homework, haircuts, gp, dentists etc in my "extra13%". Never one thought about do the ds's want all this. They don't. He pushes and pushes, collects earlier, drops later, refuses to allow them to call me, my littlest is only 7. He tells them they've two homes, yesterday ds1 told me he doesn't know where his home is. It's mental abuse. He won't let them settle, won't allow them the security of a base, it's not through love that he acts like this, it's control.
Like you there was abuse, towards me and to ds1. All reported. All dragged through courts. All proven but dismissed and he just got more and more of what he wanted. Cafcass officer was scared of him, wouldn't even go in a room alone with him but said my ds's can have all this contact and now he tells them they must go because court said so.

It's shit, I feel for you, he's took mine for a week again today, nothing makes it better, I miss them like crazy, feel so sad their childhood is like this and frankly I wish him dead as that seems to be the only thing that'll stop it.

Surely at 9 your DS is old enough to verbalise to a court that he doesn't want to go with his dad? That's truly horrifying that you've had such a bad time in court.

He'll be home later - just keep focused on that . Your ex sounds like a total wanker frankly.

I don't believe he is safe with them no. I never believed contact was safe for either of them at any point.

Unless you've been in the court system, you have no idea how fucked up it is. I was threatened with reverse residency if I continued with my "lies". I was told it was abuse to get the police to interview a child about his father if he is assaulted. I was told I was making people report their concerns to the NSPCC.

This link is USA but it is starting to be a very typical story now:

www.forbes.com/sites/tarahaelle/2018/08/17/young-boys-allegedly-abused-by-air-force-colonel-now-in-his-sole-custody/#1f2c92831eef

Last year at 11, DD was not old enough to have her voice heard, after she was assaulted in front of her friends. The courts said contact was to continue and that it would send DC to lie with him and not have contact with me if I argued again.

The only reason she is NC is because exh hasn't fought. He hasn't even contacted her since.

I think we may be divorcing the same bastard!!

Totally understand what your saying and how upset you are, it is justified and your right its done to piss you off. My stbxt does exactly the same even with a court order.
Realistically you arnt going to take him back to court regarding a few hours and you have no way of getting the children back so you have to except that they will be back the time he says. Are you recording all of this in a diary?? because it is building a case just encase court is needed.
My court order (second one in 8 months)!! he likes taking me to court!!! is very "unfussy" to avoid there being any room for manure, even though he violates it when he can tbh its not often that he can.

So my children were meant to go to his house this week for a week as per the court order. He has apparently moved house and wont give me his new address, so i have refused to let them go. He came to my house while i was out to collect them, clearly pissed off that they weren't there so shit in my shoe in the porch (that was left unlocked). This is the kind of man im dealing with. PS and were not talking about animal shit!!!!

he sounds like a massive asshole. i second the advice to say to him, 'great! i can go get my nails done... see you at 3!' Or better yet, 'oh thank you I can go for lunch with my best friend..'
He won't do it again if he thinks you appreciate the extra time.
hugs for you OP

He shit in a shoe?! Fucking hell. The court would probably award him full residency for that. OP there's nothing you can do, in terms of changing the situation, all you can do is try to change your feelings about it or you'll go mad. I tell myself that the boys will eventually see him for what he is. I try to stop myself ruminating about it (not v good at that). I try not to give him any reaction to his pushing and changing (also not 100% on that)!but I do know it's the upset reaction from me that he wants more than anything.

Just noticed the lack of contact during dad's weeks is in breach of the order. Take that back to court - complete a form C79. It will be for the judge to work out how to deal with it.

I think your point of the return being 5 hours late is probably going to fall on deaf ears though. A judge would think this minor, and the if there is a fair distance to travel will perhaps give dad the flexibility of a letter return.

Changemename1234

Yep sure did!! there is ALWAYS retaliation for sticking up for myself.

Your advise is totally correct, and something that im still struggling with , its so so hard not to let it take over emotionally.

Have you heard of going "Gray rock" this is what i try to use, but tbh it so far has made no difference. Im afraid abusive men only appear to get worse when they have less control.

I feel for you OP, I lived through similar. I could write a book- no phone contact, refusing to return (even on Christmas Eve), arriving late leaving DC's thinking he couldn't be bothered, arriving early (then telling the DC's I didn't want them home as I wasnt in), refusing comfort toys, pulling them out of school when he didn't have contact and disappearing with them, promising them expensive school trips (skiing) and leaving me with the bill (and telling them that I had stopped them going because I refused to pay), visiting their old school and telling them he was buying a house so that they could return (he didn't), telling me every Christmas that he was booking a 6 week holiday in Australia for the summer ( he never did but ruined my and DC's Christmas worrying about it)...I could go on. Vile. I would never go back to those times. You have my sympathy.

I've heard of grey rock method. I try! A grey rock to his head would be better.
I think it's true, when they sense they are losing control they up their game. I don't know how far he will take it, to him it is a game, the boys caught in the middleof it are just coincidental to him, and that scares me.
I am sure that the solution doesn't lie in the family courts though. Paying £215 to return it to court to be threatened with reverse residency would be the last thing I'd do. I've no confidence at all in our courts or cafcass that they can adequately protect my children from the emotional harm this man is causing. I think the courts don't believe "middle class professional men" are capable of causing harm and that the mothers who raise this as an issue are histrionic and bitter and can't get over the marriage breakdown. Until there is a massive culture shift and training for these judges and cafcass (which will only be prompted by several catastrophic events) women who are cursed with abusive exes will not be heard fairly.

What heartbreaking experiences for pp :(

Ghanagirl Do sod off. I said I had missed it, and had no idea that OP had posted before. Do what I had to do, go back and read more carefully!

Happily OP is getting much better advice from people who DO remember what she has posted before! Don't derail because you want a pop at me for having missed something!

I think you are caught in the 'times' men are now fighting back and the judges bend over backwards to please the fathers 'rights' so they are seen to be fair.
There are abisuve men and I really hope the kids sue the courts for forcing them to see their abusive fathers.

Are school involved?

Cafcass visited the school and explained about my "lies" and explained to them that they were not to take any allegations further, now or in the future. I'm just a bitter liar and I make the DC lie.

Honest to God, can there be ANY other more crystal clear manifestation of the existence of the patriarchy than the UK family courts system?!

I mean for Christ's sake. It makes my blood boil. 'Child protection', yeah, right. It's a travesty.

Text dad and say ‘that’s brilliant I get to do some things that I’d wanted but would have harm to put off if you’d brought ds back on time. Makes my life easier. Cheers’