To be upset that twatty exh is keeping DS for an extra day?

[ilovemilton]

School holidays are split, first two weeks DS is with me and week 3 and 4 is with exh.

Plus, he gets extra days added on equivalent to however many days I had from close of school til the first Saturday. Yes, our order is that petty.

Prior to his week starting, we have constant texts checking the time and venue of collection and demanding an instant reply.

So, he collected DS at the start of week 3 at 10am and DS is due back today. All other holidays, he has returned at the same time as he goes. I text yesterday to confirm time and location and didn't get a reply until now, to say he's going out for the day and will head back about 3. They are staying with family about two hours away.

This morning I got up and ready, and have been sitting here all excited to see him, since exh doesn't allow contact with me during his weeks.

I know it's only a few hours, but I am so upset. He's ended up with a whole extra day and ruined our plans for today.

Do you have your boy back?

He came back a few minutes ago. I challenged him that this wasn't the agreed 10am and he laughed and walked off.

DS is cuddly and tearful but ok. We plan film and Chinese.

I feel like you've given him exactly what he wanted.

I'm glad you've got your boy back. Enjoy your evening together.

I would have text back, excellent that’s great I have so much to do it will be such a big help & I know dd will enjoy quality time with you

By doing so takes his control right out of his hands....

I've learnt from the past that if I don't complain about it at the time, they say I can't complain about it in the future. So if I hadn't said today that I wasn't happy, it's like it never happened. Can't win really.

I think you’ve dealt with it perfectly.

Have a good evening:)

I’m so glad he’s home 😊. Lots of cuddles tonight!

Yes we've had lots of cuddles and we are all very happy now. He's playing in his room with his friend now (I redecorated while he was away ). Then it's Chinese, films and games.

Thank you, lovely people of mumsnet, for your company today. You stopped me from going completely insane.

Nothing's been dealt with. The OP and her son are still in the clutches of that pricks controlling behaviour. It will happen again.

It absolutely sucks OP, and I really wish I could give you some advice. He's such a prick. The sooner your son is legally able to NC the better for everyone's mental health.
This won't be forever.
Maybe seek some counselling for DS, if you haven't already gone down that route. Sounds like you have your head screwed on and you have tried everything in every direction. My heart goes out to you both.

I'm very glad to hear he is back with you.

Glad he's home where he belongs and I'm so so sorry you're in this shitty situation.

I'm going to add him to my lottery win/hitlist 😉. Glad your boy is home and happy.

How the fuck does he not allow contact with you on his days?! What does he tell your DC if they want to speak to you?

That sounds fab. Back to normality and a warm welcome. Bless. He’s so little to be dealing with this. . My dd is 10. It’s too young for your children to be caught up in this shit. And for years.

Make it clear that you are not in agreement. Or if you go back to court it looks as if your happy with things.

Nothing's been dealt with. The OP and her son are still in the clutches of that pricks controlling behaviour. It will happen again

Was that directed at me?

Sorry to come in after the event, OP, but am sorry for what you have gone through.

I absolutely agree with what you have responded - am in a similar position, but prior to Final Hearing. Sending "Oh, thanks - more time for me" will play into him telling the child you don't want him back, and may lead him to further push the boundaries.

I assume that you put agreed times in writing? I would also put the comment about it not being the agreed time in writing. Maybe next time you negotiate handovers, suggest pick up and drop off are both at 3/4 pm?

I also agree with PP suggesting that you send a daily text to DS's phone - at least he will know you were sending them after the event. Going to court over it may be a waste of time - my ex claims my DC chooses not to phone, despite her telling me otherwise.

Marlboroandmalbec34 I am sorry you are beginning this journey. I am reading "Why does he Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, and I wish I had read it at the beginning of my journey.

I am so sorry for what you have to endure due to this loser. I think you handled today perfectly. I agree sending the messages even though DS phone will be off is a great idea for future, though I am sure DS knows how loved he is regardless. Enjoy your reunion night.

So glad your boy is home safe and sound

@gottastopeatingchocolate I have just finished the book and it makes so much sense

Rebooting sort of, but not really.
Just generally, the feeling of "phew he's back now!" And smiles from posters.

It's just sad because nothing is fixed. The "phew!" Is not really that at all but just a cuddle until it all begins again.

@gottastopeatingchocolate

Sending "Oh, thanks - more time for me" will play into him telling the child you don't want him back, and may lead him to further push the boundaries.

:( You're right, I underestimate how abusive people can twist everything, there's absolutely no winning :(

You're right. It all begins again twice a week and it's indescribable.

He has all this time with them alone, which he never had when we were married. He was never alone with them.

He can still assault me whenever he feels like it and he continues the abuse through the children, entitled by the authorities.

Have you asked women's aid for advice? I know the authorities are crap but this seems a bit extra.

Yes, it's very much "follow the court order or take it back to court to change it". Then they say I'm not eligible for LA and that's the end of it.

My ex actually rang women’s aid to refuse them permission to talk to my ds as he had pr and they not only obeyed that, they never contacted me again. They were bloody awful.