To be upset that twatty exh is keeping DS for an extra day?

[ilovemilton]

School holidays are split, first two weeks DS is with me and week 3 and 4 is with exh.

Plus, he gets extra days added on equivalent to however many days I had from close of school til the first Saturday. Yes, our order is that petty.

Prior to his week starting, we have constant texts checking the time and venue of collection and demanding an instant reply.

So, he collected DS at the start of week 3 at 10am and DS is due back today. All other holidays, he has returned at the same time as he goes. I text yesterday to confirm time and location and didn't get a reply until now, to say he's going out for the day and will head back about 3. They are staying with family about two hours away.

This morning I got up and ready, and have been sitting here all excited to see him, since exh doesn't allow contact with me during his weeks.

I know it's only a few hours, but I am so upset. He's ended up with a whole extra day and ruined our plans for today.

Had to put off*

If this is your exh attempt at controlling you, then I would suggest going out and having the best Day you can muster and not let him have that control over you. I know you were prob really excited to see your DS, but why not catch up with friends for coffee, catch a movie,
go for a run or grab a gift for DS that you know he will really like for when he returns. And focus on things that make you happy. Not the things your ex is doing to try and make you unhappy. He only has power over you if you let him.

that’s brilliant I get to do some things that I’d wanted but would have harm to put off if you’d brought ds back on time. Makes my life easier. Cheers’

I would really advise against this type of reply - my ex would have spun that as “mom doesn’t care, you’re an inconvenience”

Yeah totally. That's exactly what he would do. Both to DS and the courts.

Hi, no real advice except to say my ExH is so similar to yours, including no contact when they are with him, and never revealing holiday plans to me or to DC. It’s agonising when they are with him as I have no idea where they are or what they are doing.

I picked up my DC yesterday; we had a agreed time and at the last minute he changed it to two hours later.

I was so upset but just said ‘fine’ and put on my happy face when I picked them up.

I also agree the courts are a bloody disgrace and fail children massively in favour of abusive dads so I would never, ever go there.

It’s shit, we have to live through the painful bits and then help DC recover when they are back. I’m just lending you my solidarity. I hope today passes easier for you. It is shit but it’s entirely normal for you to feel that way - don’t tell yourself otherwise. This evening all will be fine again. Xxx

I also agree with NOT saying ‘thanks, I can do other nice things now’.

Don’t justify or reveal yourself to him at all. Just say one word: fine, or ok.

Go grey rock with him.

don't let him win.obviously the backstory is what makes all the difference to things.
so let him see ur game face.
could you bake a cake for when the ds comes home.or prep something fab for tea.get a move in create a den or something for when he comes home.let him know how much you missed him.
if I was being petty id wait til next pick up and now too only let him pick him up at 3.but I shouldn't be saying that should I being an adult an all.
im sorry this is the situation you are in.you just keep being the best mum.this will mean he will see the ex for what he is and make his decision to leave him behind in his own time and it will be you he needs at this time and you he knows he can turn to.if bickering or anger or grumbles come into it he will be so confused and not know who to turn to.
karma.i think itl hit the right person in the end here.and oh how he will regret it or if not be knocked over by it like he deserves.and you will forever be able to keep ur head held high with dignity.

Oh god this is terrifying. OP sending you lots of love for today...I left my abusive husband 6 weeks ago. I have a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old, he is taking me to court for more access (I won’t allow unsupervised at the moment due to his drinking) he has money and loves to win...Am I going to lose my babies through court?

My heart breaks for all of you women that have to continue to have these assholes in your lives. Especially when they seem to be doing it out of spite rather than love for their children.

You're being super women for your children.

I’m so sorry your ds is still in this vile man’s clutches. I also remember your thread about the squalid conditions of his house. There was no bin iirc and all rubbish is chucked in the middle of the room. Your poor ds. He must be devastated.

Marlboro
well done for getting out and good luck.

Thank you mummy...honestly though I wonder when reading these if my kids would have been safer had I stayed

OP I also remember your threads...how on earth had he got so much contacts it’s a travesty x

Marlboro Hopefully not. But use MN as a thinking ground. You'll get a range of responses, some emotional, some balanced, some by actual living examples of twats. Somewhere in the middle the advice will be sound and calm and if you follow that, especially with handling the control/power issues I hope you will have a smoother time.

Vent here: never to officials, never to him.

Don’t let him know you’re upset . He’s trying to rile you .

There's always an OP who gets to poison their children against their other parent, who talks about abuse (and the definition of this seems to get broader and less abusive every month) and whenever the NRP spends time with their children it's purely to 'control'.

To use a phrase from MN, 'centre the children and don't be toxic'.

Oh hoorah!! The MRA brigade has arrived. I’ll lay out the red carpet, could someone get the cling film off the buffet?

I agree with Rebooting.

Text your ds every day even though you know he's not getting the messages. One day he might be able to get to his phone and it will mean the world to him to see your messages.

Having read your subsequent posts I can see now why you don't want courts involved again. So sorry for you and everyone else and of course their dc who are having to put up with this shitty situation. Beggars belief.

^ there's always one like this as well and frankly it's fucking tedious.

Sorry - that was to 'nannycrumb' and the MRA types.

Mummyoflittledragon. That's us. Imagine the house now, still not cleaned since this thread.

Mumsnet keeps you sane, despite the varying response; it is a good place to vent and you'll find invaluable support.

Nannycrumb. Are any of these in your definition of abuse?

To me:
Hitting
Punching
Drowning
Strangling
Suffocating
Verbal abuse
Kicking
Threats

To DC:
Locking in rooms
Removing phones
Holding against a wall by throat
Smacking across face
Scratching arms
Dragging physically along the street
Not allowing nappies (when age appropriate) and punishing when bed was wet

DC saw and experienced so I don't really need to help with the poisoning.

I mean, don't want to make the definition too broad for you, but let me know if that doesn't cover it for you?

Only fathers are allowed to be petty and controlling (and abuse can and will be forgiven). Mothers must be beatific smiling welcome mats. Because then the children will suffer...

Take note of his lateness, keep any proof you have. You may need it for some future court case. And most importantly, treat him how he treats you. Do not allow him to do things that he won't allow you to do, no-one will thank you for it.

I've just text him to ask for the courtesy of letting me know when he's actually leaving, so I know when to expect them:
"you were told about 3".

I meant - because IF NOT the children will suffer

Omg. I’ve just looked up that thread. It was almost 2 years ago. The house must be disgusting.

Poor you. Your poor dcs. What you have all had to put up with! It beggars belief you were having to force your dd and are still forcing your ds to have contact with this excuse of a man.

Marlboro
I hope you can get good advice on here to help with your situation.

Sending lots of hugs to you all 😘