To be upset that twatty exh is keeping DS for an extra day?

[ilovemilton]

School holidays are split, first two weeks DS is with me and week 3 and 4 is with exh.

Plus, he gets extra days added on equivalent to however many days I had from close of school til the first Saturday. Yes, our order is that petty.

Prior to his week starting, we have constant texts checking the time and venue of collection and demanding an instant reply.

So, he collected DS at the start of week 3 at 10am and DS is due back today. All other holidays, he has returned at the same time as he goes. I text yesterday to confirm time and location and didn't get a reply until now, to say he's going out for the day and will head back about 3. They are staying with family about two hours away.

This morning I got up and ready, and have been sitting here all excited to see him, since exh doesn't allow contact with me during his weeks.

I know it's only a few hours, but I am so upset. He's ended up with a whole extra day and ruined our plans for today.

@northernspirit - in this case I would think that it was entirely reasonable due to being an abusive arsehole who's own daughter wanted nothing to do with me. I would be grateful that I had any contact with my child at all tbh. Did you read the thread?

It's more like 7 hours. DS hasn't seen me for two weeks, he won't be happy and loving his extra time!

I think what's upsetting you op is the thought that ds maybe expected to be home this morning too? Must be very hard to see him so upset. The no contact thing is horrible. Was anything not specified about that during your court hearings? 9 is very young to have no contact with a parent.
Presumably you would let him ring his dad when he's with you?

You are right to be upset. A few hours in another context would be nothing, but given the pattern of behavior it looks like your ex is going out of his way to make things difficult for you.

What is your legal position here? Does your DS have to have contact if he does not want to? Can your ex forbid all calls to you during his time?

All you can do for now is try to stay calm and appear unaffected by his manipulation. He knows it is upsetting you so give the impression you are not bothered. The time will come when a court will accept your sons choice not to see his dad. Don’t let your son see how upset you are but have a nice surprise for him when he comes home to help him get over his visit.

Yes...neither of us would have planned for this. I was sitting here waiting and DS would have thought he was about to head home.

The order states he has to allow contact and I brought it up every time when we returned to court and "he was very sorry and promised to allow it next time".

You need to get better at dealing with the mind games.

You definitely need to return with the opposite of what he will be expecting.

A cheery 'Fab news, I've got loads on today thanks' might find him at your doorstep in minutes. The last thing he will want is to think that he is doing you a favour.

Although this is upsetting for you - and justifiably so in the circumstances - the pp are right in saying not to allow exh the satisfaction of knowing he can still get to you. He's more likely to get bored when theres no reaction.

Remember too that situations like this make the day closer when your DS decides he's had enough and goes NC too. I'd also follow the idea of only responding to email contact from your ex because that way you retain control of his impromptu demands.

Choose something lovely to do to make yourself feel better so that you are in a good place when your lovely boy returns home.

Thought contact was the right of the child, not equal time for parents.
What is in your sons best interests? was there a court welfare report/cafcaas or were they useless.
Today will soon pass op, long time till next summer. Your ex will make children hate him. Sad

Maybe it's time to consider a variation. Did he confirm in writing that he had not allowed DS to ring you and that he would allow it in future? I would try not to react at all (I would feel exactly the same as you) and build up a record of his dicking around and failure to consider DS's needs. If y went back to court in a year or too, DS's needs would be becoming more central.

*year or two ffs

You need to go back to a solicitor about the contact. Your dc is way too young to be prohibited any contact for that length of time.

So he is breaching the order by preventing your son having contact with you? Maybe it's time you act on that if he's going to keep doing it and pushing the boundaries?

It was immediately apparent that this was about him being controlling. Loving parents don't use their children as weapons. He's abusing his child.

But then I actually bothered to read the op properly, and didn't come here to looking for any excuse to attack someone, so...

@Northernspirit stop projecting your circumstances on every ex partner. Its tedious, predictable and means any good advice tou may have to give gets lost in youe inability to see every ex isnt the same.

I have an abusive ex who uses drop off and pick ups as a last form of control. The only thing you can do OP is not show it has irked you and then pick up the pieces for your DS.

I would log the no contact with a solicitor and if it continues act on it xx

I agree that you should call his bluff.

I’d love to put: “Oh great, we can have a lie in ”

But would probably go more for something like incredibly said.

I understand your upset though, it must be shitty. Only a few more years and your DS can decide for himself whether he wants to be involved with him.

You say you have a huge backstory and he has form on control ?
Well he has won hasn't he. He has irked you into making this post. If he knew you know he would be smiling now - job done !
BUT, it is your choice to take the bait, so don't. Yes I fully accept you are a cat on a hot tin roof to get them back but try to see these next few hours as a bonus to get something done. Have a long relaxing bath, go out for a coffee and a read of the papers, bake a cake for their return. And more importantly, put on your favourite outfit,do yourself up fab, put a big smile on your face when you open the door and show him it did not bother you a fig !

Oh OP ☹️

I have two sons similar to that age and that actually made my stomach turn, the thought of him being there and not being able to contact you, being upset about it, upset about having to go again.
Poor bloody child, all because his fathers a total nasty prick.

How long, officially until he can NC?

And sorry if this has been asked upthread, but can you provide DS with a phone so he can contact you himself?

He's playing mind games and trying to fuck with your head. Keeping within the day but prolonging it. And wtf is this no contact with DS about?

I think think you need to speak to your solicitor.

I see where the advice to not show you care and send breezy messages comes from but my ex would just love that and say to anyone who would listen, including hints to child "see she doesn't give a shit, may as well keep him longer". I'd make my disagreement/upset known by email in non aggressive language, clarifying that he's breaking the contact agreement especially given that yet again there's been no contact during those two weeks so that there's a trail of this behaviour and my response to it.

@Namethecat I'm sure a "nice relaxing bath" will really help the distress of her son.

Are you really suggesting that the OP don't post on here for support because it proves her ex has won?
That's right, cut support out. That will really show him.
What ridiculous 'advice'.

I totally understand how you feel .... I've been in exactly the same situation many times before.

My advice is don't react and ignore his behaviour. Don't show him you are allowing him to impact on your life.

And in the 7 hours you are waiting .... Go and do something that you never normally have time to do. It's hard to motivate yourself but use the time positively... So his bad behaviour has a positive outcome for you.

Be strong .... It does get easier as the kids grow up.

He is more than nasty if he is not allowing phone contact at nine. he has breached the order, once you have your son back, document his state, what he says and then tell him in writing that unless he allows contact whilst with him, he is in breach and damaging your ds mental health. Get a solicitor to do it if he doesn't listen. Don't allow him to
Mentally hurt your son like this.

*doesnt post on here

He does sound awful and I'm sympathetic, but if he's a couple of hours away I don't think I would've expected him at 10 tbf.

I wouldn't act like you don't care either op. I'd say 'please tell ds I've missed him like mad and can't wait to see him and hope you've all had a lovely time.'

He may not tell him, but it might give him pause for thought, and you can repeat the message to ds when he gets home.

OP YANBU, what a petty and ridiculous game to play. I don't for one second believe it's out of wanting to spend time with your DS so much as wanting to mindfuck you.

It's easier said than done but try not to let him win this; text friends and have a day with people who'll keep your happiness levels up. At pick up focus solely on DS and say nothing to Ex. He'll get his comeuppance when both his DCs have gone NC with him.