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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think she set a weekday wedding to avoid DC?

316 replies

Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 08:23

Firstly I know its her big day and her choice and I won't bring this up with her, but just wanted to let off a bit of steam really as I'm feeling a little hurt.

My cousin is getting married next October, she originally set a date in September on a Saturday (no invites at that point but told us all the dates), they have no DC and I'm not sure if they want to she has never really shown an urge too and doesn't seem very maternal (she would also need it to happen fairly soon as she is in late 30s). We grew up together and the family is very close, before she got engaged she had mentioned children and said she's not sure on having DC "running around everywhere" and prefers adult events.

She has now changed the date and sent invites, it is on a Friday. This now means I can't attend the wedding and I'm gutted. DC are 4 & 6 and I truly don't have anyone who could pick them up from school/have them for the evening and the wedding is a few hours away.

I'd expect this will be a problem with a lot of guests with DC/work and I'm wondering if she deliberatly chose a weekday for this reason? After all if you worked fridays you may be able to book it off but you couldn't do the same with school.

If it were a weekend and she had stated no children I would have been able to come as XH has the DC and I would have worked around her if they were welcome at reception/not at all. We aren't amicable and he works away during the week so him looking after them on a weekday is a no go, all of my family who normally help with childcare will be at the wedding.

The weekday isn't financially motivated as far as I can tell as her very very wealthy father is paying for it and can't see him insisting on a weekday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 10:36

I think the best option for me, is to apply to the school to see if authorised, if not (which I think is Likely given it is not an immediate family member or a compulsory thing) the DC will go to school as normal and I will just go to the actual ceremony and be back on time to pick them up.

I'm not comfortable taking an unauthorised day off school for something like a wedding especially for DC2 as they have lots of time off for medical reasons as it is. I wouldn't want to employ someone to look after them who would be a stranger, as this would make DC1 very anxious and a lot would need to go into it to get him cared for/his meds/equipment with him which is too much for an occasion like this.

I do respect everyones opinions though so thank you.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 19/08/2018 10:40

It’s ONE DAY OFF SCHOOL.

A YEAR AWAY.

pictish · 19/08/2018 10:41

I agree that you are making this all about you and your children. Your children are invited so it’s not a kiddy snub. The wedding is ages away and you have oodles of time to plan for it. The normal course of action would be to remove the kids from school for the day. There is no problem here other than you wanting it to be more convenient for you.
It’s their wedding so it is scheduled to suit them. That is normal.

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:41

YOu've a year and a bit to make that person not a stranger ffs.

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 10:41

hang on- you said the event was so far away you would need to book a hotel... yet now you can drop the kids at school, attend the ceremony and be back in time for school pick up...

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:43

If your issue is around no of days off for medical appointments then surely a day off is a day off? What difference does it make if the school authorise or don't authorise it, it's still a day off for a wedding Confused

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 10:43

Yes I would need us all to stay if we went for the wedding and reception. If I go for the hour long ceremony and leave after I could make it there and back just.

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/08/2018 10:44

So do that... Confused

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 10:44

Perfect solution then! That wasn’t hard was it? Plus you’ll save on hotel bills.

pictish · 19/08/2018 10:45

Right well..you be creatively obstructive over something that is easily managed, to stubbornly illustrate your point if you like. No one will care, the wedding will go ahead and you will miss out through your own choice.
Fine.

Original poster
Weddingproblems · 19/08/2018 10:45

YOu've a year and a bit to make that person not a stranger ffs.

In order for this person not to be a stranger I would need to set up sessions with a professional, probably at least weekly for months up to the wedding date, that's a cost and huge effort I can't see many prepared to make for someone else's wedding.

OP posts:
StoatOfManyColours · 19/08/2018 10:46

I can't believe I've been drawn in to contribute to this madness, but just flagging up that if the wedding is a few hours away, unless they get married at 10 in the morning you're not going to be back in time for pick up.

PositiveVibez · 19/08/2018 10:46

Well do that then. There you go. Problem solved.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 19/08/2018 10:47

I thought the Op meant a proper weekday ( Mon-Thurs). They are tricky as travel often means two days off or leaving the evening early.Sundays a pain for the same reason..

Friday isn't really awkward is it? Most of my friends either finish early, use flexi time or would be able to have a Friday off as leave. Especially with a years notice.

PositiveVibez · 19/08/2018 10:47

If I go for the hour long ceremony and leave after I could make it there and back just

In response to this

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 10:48

that's a cost and huge effort I can't see many prepared to make for someone else's wedding.

This is the crux of it really. It’s doable, but very inconvenient for you. If it was your wedding (or maybe a sibling’s?) you would do this. And if it was your wedding (or maybe a sibling’s?) then you’d go to the effort to include your children.

Their wedding is important but isn’t that important to you. Just like your attendance is important but isn’t that important to them 🤷‍♀️.

somewhereovertherain · 19/08/2018 10:48

We have a wedding next year on a bank holiday Saturday and it’s a right Royle pain in the arse as one of our businesses is a shop in a tourist area. And my DDs both working weekends. But you know what we’ve planned it and suck up the loss of money. As we want to go.

Kleinzeit · 19/08/2018 10:49

No, it doesn't sound as if she set a weekday wedding to avoid DCs. She might not have put as high a priority on their presence as you would, but she has invited children and no-one has to do that if they don't want children present. And you are taking it very personally. Are you really so close to your cousin that she would know all the details of your school and childcare problems? And that you could expect her to arrange her wedding around them?

If you can't take your children out of school you still have more than a year to sort out childcare. Look out for a school TA or nursery carer who knows your DC and their needs and is willing to help out. Have a practice run beforehand. In the long run it might be a good idea to find someone and get your DC used to it (if it all possible) so you and DP can go out now and again when you don't have family available.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/08/2018 10:49

Do people really send invitations out a year in advance?

scrumplepaper · 19/08/2018 10:49

Can't you make friends with a school mum and have a few playdates?

knowledgeofnone · 19/08/2018 10:50

Most wedding ceremonies are around 1/2pm so you might not even be able to go to the ceremony and make it back in time for pick up. When I was planning my wedding we provisionally booked somewhere and told some family members but then we actually changed the venue and the date wasn't available so we had to change the date meaning a family member couldn't come as they had booked a holiday so maybe it was something similar? If I was you I would just keep the kids off and go to the wedding.

Momo27 · 19/08/2018 10:51

Today 10:45 Weddingproblems

YOu've a year and a bit to make that person not a stranger ffs.

‘In order for this person not to be a stranger I would need to set up sessions with a professional, probably at least weekly for months up to the wedding date, that's a cost and huge effort I can't see many prepared to make for someone else's wedding.’

If you’re talking about that level of need, and a child with SEND who needs huge preparation and familiarisation to avoid anxiety, then I’d question why you wanted to drag him to a wedding several hours away, where there would no doubt be noise, lots of unfamiliar people and activity, and which would include an overnight stay in an unfamiliar hotel.

PinkAvocado · 19/08/2018 10:52
  1. just you go up and back for the ceremony
  2. take the children out for one day (one day over a year away is fine even if school won’t authorise)
  3. don’t go

Don’t make it any more complicated than a choice of three.

Nothisispatrick · 19/08/2018 10:57

You’re really just looking for problems. FWIW I work in a school office and work with absences and I assure you we really don’t care if you take one day unauthorised absence for a wedding. In fact there is no point requesting it this academic year as the registers and diaries will not be set up for 2019-2020. I’ve never had anyone request one day off a year in advance, that is ridiculous.

Just take the children and go, you’re all invited.

ohdearmissus · 19/08/2018 10:57

You are over thinking and making hard work of it.
The B&G have invited you and your children, they didn't have to...If they wanted to have adults only, the kids wouldn't have been on the invitation...just accept this and you will be much happier.
I imagine that they have much better things to do than think about the logistics for every family that they are inviting to their wedding.
They have invited those who they would like to be their...it is up to those invited to decide to go or not...and reply accordingly. The B&G have done nothing wrong (and given you all more than enough time to sort yourselves out).
If I was the bride and realised that this thread was about me..and this is how you feel..I'd be very tempted to uninvite all of you.
It was also a low blow to comment on her limited time left to become a mother, this is non of your business.
The bride is allowed to change her mind on not/ having children, and also having children attend her wedding.
Have fun at the wedding.

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