Think friend fancies my Husband

[Anonymumm]

Sorry, just have to get it off my chest.

A friend (not close, whom I see rarely) definitely fancies my Husband, she doesn't flirt but it's soooo obvious that she fancies him.

My DH is really handsome, and I dont think you'd put us together, but we've been together forever, married a long time, and two lovely DC.

This friend is also extremely attractive, a lot younger and a lot prettier than me.

I don't know why, but it unsettles me - I'm being silly aren't I? Insecure and silly? I guess it's because it's so bloody obvious to me (thankfully, DH oblivious and I'm not mentioning it to him or anyone else, just need to vent and get it off my chest)

Anyone else had similar?

I work in a male dominated environment and I've genuinely lost count of the number of deluded women who think their husbands are handsome sex gods gracing the earth when every other women is thinking "not even if my life depended on it".

They see a younger more attractive woman chatting and laughing to their rather mundane husband and think she must fancy this hunk of manliness. They are convinced of it, it's mind bogggling because it's clear to everyone else the woman in question wouldn't go there.

So op, I'm afraid to say, your non flirting, happily involved attractive friend probably doesn't fancy your "very handsome" in your eyes onlyhusband, the odds are overwhelming she doesn't and you're just insecure because of how she looks and that she's friendly with him.

I have similar - my DP (newish relationship) is handsome but more than that, in our small town as a teen, was very much the local heartthrob. One of my oldest friends struggles to hide her interest in him and it does bother me. I trust them both but it’s still uncomfortable. That said, I hope over time it will settle down and I focus on the very sure sense I have that she would never act on any feeling she has. I also know that she is not having the best time in her marriage and that never helps. If you care for her OP then you can try to work through it, if you don’t then don’t see her!

I'm sure I shall, thatsfuckingshit as you keep saying such sensible things!

I'm also agreeing with Bluntness's post here as I see this so often. Women keep saying that they have handsome husbands and gorgeous children ad nauseam.

By saying that they have handsome husbands they're saying that they're obviously worthier than other women because a) they've 'caught' those husbands and b) he's so handsome that they themselves must be pretty damn desirable too - so other women, take note! Ditto with the gorgeous children - it's just a 'marker' of the woman's own worth (in her eyes), she wants to take credit for the perceived gloriousness and it helps in the never-ending competition (with other women).

It's sad really, all about reflected glory and nothing whatsoever to do with reality or with their own self esteem because it's so tied up in pointless comparisons with other women. OP is struggling (in my opinion) as she feels she's 'sliding down' the scale in her quest to compete with other women as she doesn't have those 'prized attributes' that she thinks other women have and will use against her by stealing her man.

OP, free yourself of this nonsense and these thoughts. It doesn't matter what you look like or where you think you are on this 'scale of beauty', your husband is with you, has chosen that relationship. When you criticise yourself, you're kind of questioning his judgement, aren't you? Don't do that.

I can see from your last post that he's reassured you - accept that. Don't keep doing this though because as he values you as a person, he values your judgement and if you use that to criticise yourself, he might start seeing things your way... and that wouldn't be good.

... and I really concur with the 'most 'handsome' men I've seen are actually mingers. They really are.

Beauty is absolutely in the eye of the beholder.

i witness it often at work social events. Women whose husbands look like a toad standing on its hind legs, they see them chatting to an attractive woman, having a laugh and a joke, and they assume the woman must be after their husband. They think he's really handsome and a right catch. When the reality is the woman he's talking to is not just so far out of his league, it's also very clear the woman is just being friendly.

I also suspect it's a self esteem issue. I get beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but to be so far gone you think he can have his pick of beautiful young happily involved women is totally bizzare.

Women whose husbands look like a toad standing on its hind legs

I've heard many a man described as handsome and it transpires "handsome" means one of the "'lads" with shaved head and footy top, or hipster beardy type, or other things I personally find massively unattractive.

My mum once described my very-lovely DH as "not conventionally good-looking."

I think there is also an issue of blame the other woman syndrome going on too. They know deep down their husband doesn't have David gandy quacking in his jockey shorts, but they are worried the husband fancies the younger prettier woman, so it's easier to blame her. To say she must fancy him. He is so very handsome with wonderful qualities, When deep down the issue is they suspect he fancies her and don't want him round her.

It's insecurity, low self esteem and jealousy pure and simple. Not easy to deal with, but insecurity, low self esteem and jealousy all the same.

I fancy guys all the time, but I'd never ever do anything about it, especially if they were in a relationship or married, that goes against my personal code of conduct. But I'm not made of stone, I still like to look and dream sometimes.

I know it's turned out the friend is happily involved but there's a real undercurrent of single women being "after" other people's husbands in this thread. As a lone parent I experience it a lot. I'm single by choice, other women's (most of the time not even attractive) parters are of no interest

I haven’t had similar because my ex is utterly repugnant to most women, myself included

funniest thing I've read in a long time.

You don't have to openly flirt to be interested in a man. My ex had a female friend who'd asked him to be more than friends after never once flirting, before we met. He gently turned her down. He didn't tell me, but when i met her I just knew. Again, no flirting. It was the way she looked at me, sort of quietly assessing ever inch of me/watching me intently, i sort of felt she was thinking 'oh, that's what he likes'. (she & I were polar opposites).

It's not always because of flirting that makes it obvious you fancy someone, it can be coyness or shyness, getting all flustered, that sort of thing.

@Bluntness100 I'm not deluded, my Husband could be a model, is a handsome sex god, and far from mundane (however conceited that may sound, just setting the record straight and saying it how it is)

I'm not insecure because of how she looks, I have just never been in a situation where someone hasn't been able to hide their attraction, or it's been so obvious to me, that's all.

@Queenofallisee this is precisely my Husband, the heartthrob, the one every single girl fancied at school, and swooned whenever he walked past. He just keeps getting better with age too, ha, ha!

@lyingwitchinthewardrobe

I'm not one of those women that you rant about in the first part of your message, and would hate to think anyone thought I identified with that - I don't think I'm worthier than other women, I don't see it as a marker of success, I think I just got lucky - and of course, lucky that my Husband is a lovely person on the inside too.

Beauty isn't just in the eye of the beholder here, however, I don't want to sound like a conceited arse or one of the women you were ranting about so I'll zip it on that front.

I take the overall point you're trying to make at the end of your message, I have just gotta let it go, he has chosen me, not just me him.

@Bluntness100 (you certainly picked your username well) As afore mentioned, I'm not a jealous person, far from it.

@chuggachuggatoottoot precisely

Sorry OP but you just sound more and more defensive.

I'm not deluded, my Husband could be a model, is a handsome sex god

😁

I never understood the saying ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ until I grew up but it seems this would stand true throughout this thread.

People discussing their handsome ‘hearthrob’ partners and spouses that women are spilling over but I would hasten a guess not every woman feels the same way. Likewise with the ‘extremely attractive’ women’, they may be to one man but not to another. There’s many people I look at and find attractive but when I ask my DP if he agrees, he just doesn’t see it and vice versa. People have different types.

There’s every chance your friend doesn’t fancy him at all and is just being friendly but you’re paranoid and insecure.

OP, my post wasn't a 'rant'. Think about the fact that it's you posting about the fact that a woman who has done absolutely nothing to warrant your unease and disquiet has so irked you that you posted here about her.

You might think your husband is model-material, I probably wouldn't. Lots of women might and lots of women wouldn't. What do his looks have anything to do with it? Plenty of men who I would think most unappealing have women falling at their feet. So what do I know? Nothing - and you know nothing of other people

You sound very territorial and possessive; I'm sure there's really no need. Either because this woman a) doesn't fancy him after all, or b) has brakes to prevent her taking any action and/or c) your husband is desirable only to you.

Still, as I'm certain that you'll view this as a 'rant' too, I expect you'll duly ignore it and I'll save my fingers by not bothering to reply further.

I'm sure it will work out the way you expect it to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
I agree.

There's often a lot of women who think the rest of us are falling over ourselves to be with their hunky sex gods.

The friend in this situation has done nothing wrong other than be nice, friendly and be (in the OP's eyes young and attractive). Poor friend.

OP, you're there watching them both together and I'm not, so on balance if you think that your friend fancies him then she probably does.

You've said that it's not normally something you notice, so I don't think you sound especially insecure or jealous. You acknowledge that she's done nothing wrong, that she doesn't flirt, that you're 'being silly' and need to come on mn for a little rant : fair enough.

Similarly if you think he's conventionally good looking and attracts attention, then I'm sure he is. He might not be everyone's cup of tea, but most of us know if a man is handsome or not.

I'm guessing you're picking up on little things like her orienting towards him, directing her conversations to him all the time, laughing at his jokes a little too long, that sort of thing?

I don't think anyone here can reassure you unfortunately, except that your friend isn't openly flirting or making it obvious and your dh is oblivious so I don't think you need to worry. He chose you and sounds lovely, just enjoy that.

I think it's one thing to love and fancy your partner, but when you get to the level you're on line telling randoms he's a sex god and model material you lose a little credibility op. And as such. I think cement the idea that this woman doesn't actually fancy your husband this is about what's in your head and your own mental health..

As for your husband, If mine was running around proclaiming I was a total sex goddess and so good looking I should have been a model, and doing so seriously,. I'd find it very cringe and clingy, just too much,too full on.

So I suspect there are deeper issues here and it's simply your perception that this woman is more attractive than you has set off all your insecurities.

Op I get exactly where you are coming from.

My DH is just normal looking, but an ex of mine (we were together 5 years) was GORGEOUS. I know not everyone would think so, but certainly the majority of people did. He could have been a model too and he was always oblivious when women would flirt with him. He was genuinely lovely too.

Ironically he was terrible in bed but no one would have known that for meeting him.

All this to say, we were together five years, and though women flirted with him often (not maliciously) only twice did my alarm bells ever ring. Once was with a girl he had had a very brief relationship with years before, and the second was with the girl who he started dating and eventually married after we split up.

All that to say- we have alarm bells for a reason so if your senses don't generally get hackled, and they do this time, there is probably something in it. I wouldn't do anything about it, but you probably aren't being insecure and silly.