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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think friend fancies my Husband

160 replies

Anonymumm · 19/08/2018 03:09

Sorry, just have to get it off my chest.

A friend (not close, whom I see rarely) definitely fancies my Husband, she doesn't flirt but it's soooo obvious that she fancies him.

My DH is really handsome, and I dont think you'd put us together, but we've been together forever, married a long time, and two lovely DC.

This friend is also extremely attractive, a lot younger and a lot prettier than me.

I don't know why, but it unsettles me - I'm being silly aren't I? Insecure and silly? I guess it's because it's so bloody obvious to me (thankfully, DH oblivious and I'm not mentioning it to him or anyone else, just need to vent and get it off my chest)

Anyone else had similar?

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/08/2018 07:58

I do find it odd for people to ask how you can tell if there's no obvious flirting. It doesn't have to be anything in your face, but many women's antennae can pick up undercurrents.
From experience, it's usually men's antennae that aren't so hot at picking up undercurrents. (At least my dh's are very badly tuned for this sort of thing.)
But the existence of undercurrents (however unsettling) doesn't mean she's likely to take them any further, or even to want to, except maybe in her fantasies.

Thatsfuckingshit · 19/08/2018 08:03

but many women's antennae can pick up undercurrents.

Sure. But sometimes that undercurrent has just as much chance of being the Ops insecurities. Read her post. She thinks the women is more attractive, she thinks her husband is very attractive, she thinks people wouldn't put her and her dh together....but that's ok because they have been together forever.

Her insecurity screams out.

MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 08:05

How do you know she does?

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 19/08/2018 08:09

I have one friend who fancies my husband but I trust both of them so I feel comfortable about it.

I’ve had other women openly flirt with him i front of my face (not my friends) and this i’ve always combatted with petty passive aggressiveness like getting their name wrong (Charlotte becomes Catherine or Clare for example) and generally being disinterested in them. Not particularly grown up but it makes me feel better.

As it’s your friend I am not sure what I would do apart from meet her in nuetral settings and without him. It can be a distraction but remember it’s you he’s married to and you’re both very happy together.

Shambu · 19/08/2018 08:16

I'm not sure this is about insecurities. If it were the OP would surely be concerned her DH fancies this woman not the other way round. In fact she says her DH is 'oblivious'.

And of course you can tell if someone fancies a person without flirting. Flirting doesn't really mean anything. Some people have a flirtatious manner without fancying people.

Orchiddingme · 19/08/2018 08:18

My husband, years back, was very handsome and I'm sure that some of my female friends and also women in the street used to look at him.

So what? They weren't going to do anything.

Unless she's being inappropriate, rude or making a pass at him, there's not an issue, I don't think laughing at his jokes counts.

There will always be younger prettier people about. I too have had a pang of jealousy when our new neighbour came over to say 'hi' and turned out to be a former air hostess who was still a babe, and I did worry about her going out with my husband and all the kids one afternoon early on when I didn't know the family very well and I couldn't come. She's ended up a fantastic friend, as has her husband.

We all have a bit of jealousy, but you have to recognize it for what it is- your own insecurity. You can't fix it so your partner never sees prettier thinner people than you!

Shambu · 19/08/2018 08:23

You can tell from how someone looks at a person, how much attention they give them, how intently they listen, how intensely they talk to them, for example. You can see when there's more than friendly interest.

I guessed a friend of mine fancies the DH of a friend of mine, (before she was married herself) from how she behaved.

Shambu · 19/08/2018 08:24

^^fancied not fancies

Inforapenny65 · 19/08/2018 08:30

TildaM thank you so much for the link😁

Where has the OP gone? 👀

Lovemusic33 · 19/08/2018 08:32

I don’t see the problem, your dh is handsom? There’s a chance many women fancy him?

He’s with you, he loves you, it doesn’t mater who finds him atractive because he’s with you and you trust him.

Ditch the friends and work on your self esteem.

Loonoon · 19/08/2018 08:37

I think YABU. Fancying someone is unintentional and uncontrollable but it doesn’t mean you are going to act on it. In our extended social circle I can think of two very attractive married men that I fancy. I can also remember an ex-colleague that I fancied the pants off. It’s essentially meaningless. Seeing someone I am attracted to doesn’t mean I am going to hit on them or would even want to hit on them. In my case it means I get a bit stuttery and tongue tied around them and they probably think I’m an idiot. I would also be absolutely horrified if they ever made any sort of move on me and the attraction would end instantly - I could never be attracted to a cheat or a player.

Be happy you are married to such a looker who chose you.
I

TaMamaiSaChistinAgusSanOifig · 19/08/2018 08:39

''I haven’t had similar because my ex is utterly repugnant to most women, myself included Wine ''

ha ha! Wine Wine

I must run with an ugly crew because not one of my friends has a husband so attractive I think phwoar, lucky them. I mean, some of them are good husbands, and I do recognise that they're a good husband to my friend.

blearyeyedbear · 19/08/2018 08:41

I get why it is unsettling, and ignore everyone who says yo have low self esteem. I don't think you do. I think your reaction is normal.

Don't hang out with her. Why would you want to.

Someone I know by sight only has a thing for my DH. They bump into each other regularly at a local cafe. From an objective perspective she is younger and more attractive. I don't feel anything but irriation to be honest as it is never going to go anywhere, but on the off chance it did DH would be the biggest loser.

SugarandVinegar · 19/08/2018 08:45

I think if her behaviour is causing you angst just bin her off,
life's too short.

I haven’t had similar because my ex is utterly repugnant to most women, myself included Grin

Racecardriver · 19/08/2018 08:47

Have you seen her with other men? I have this unfortunate thing where it comes across like I ether hate a man or want to fuck them. I don't. I just have an awkward face.

MarthasGinYard · 19/08/2018 08:48

Is someone reading updates that I can't see??

I can't see any info from Op explaining this opinion other than she 'doesn't flirt'

What does she do?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 19/08/2018 08:49

I think you can tell when someone fancies someone flirting isn’t always obvious and someone may not be consciously flirting but will be acting slightly differently that op may be picking up on

We can all feel a little insecure at times don’t stress about that op and maybe she does fancy your dh but there is nothing more to it than that, thoughts in your mind are far more damaging to yourself than thoughts in hers

See her separately and don’t overthink

Awrite · 19/08/2018 08:51

How did you meet this much younger woman who doesn't flirt with your dh?

Acitywallandatrampoline · 19/08/2018 08:53

I am going through similar at the minute. My friend, though she is a newish friend has made it obvious. Well, she has basically told me over and over "he is so attractive". Plus she loves to flirt in general and attention of me. It doesn't bother me as I told my husband but I know he can't stand her. But he probably enjoyed the compliment. I always thought me and my husband were on a level but her and her husband have made digs about him being oh so much more attractive than me. Which he probably is to some people. It doesn't bother me because I trust my husband but also because she is not his type in any way shape or form. I think if she was then I probably would feel naturally jealous!

fieryginger · 19/08/2018 08:55

My DH and I have been together since the 80's. As we've aged, he's become more handsome and I'm getting old and fat! He too, is oblivious to this, still makes me feel beautiful.

There is no friend flirting with him though, but I wouldn't worry too much if there were, I'd be pissed off at "friend" though.

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 08:57

I had a couple of friends fancy my DH many moons ago.

One friend was easy enough to drop due to a house move; the other was harder as she was a godparent to our DD. DH was oblivious to her interest as he wasn't interested in her (he's very single minded), and I cut the contact with her over time.

NeepNeepNeep · 19/08/2018 08:57

@Acitywallandatrampoline Your "friend" and her husband are just horrible twats. Drop them.

RainySeptember · 19/08/2018 08:57

I feel a bit sorry for this friend.

Either it's all in OP's head because she has an attractive friend and a handsome husband, or she has indeed picked up on some subtle undercurrent - but honestly, if friend isn't flirting, and any other signs are so subtle that dh is oblivious, then she hasn't really done anything wrong has she?

You can't help who you fancy. If friend fancies him but isn't flirting and hasn't made it obvious to him, then op is picking up on something very very subtle indeed.

MaisyPops · 19/08/2018 09:03

So she doesn't flirt but is so obviously interested in your husband?

Combine that with the focus on being young and attractive and it becomes obvious how some women come to the view that men and women cant be friends because it/ they could totally be friends... as long as I think the woman he is friends with isn't attractive. He can have ugly female friends so I can feel better about myself.

I think you need to chill out OP.

katiefromtheblock · 19/08/2018 09:07

@Anonymumm

OK first of all, stop with this 'he is very handsome and you would never put us together!' like you think you're a flippin' moose. Hmm

He is with you coz he fancies you, he loves you, he WANTS you. Not some airheaded little flirty so-called friend of yours. And I bet she isn't as amazingly pretty as you think, and you are not as unappealing as you think.

I have had women in the past flirting with MY husband (especially at the school gate hometime pickup!) blatantly flirting, giggling, flicking their hair, and fluttering their eyelashes, and even slapping him 'playfully...' Hmm One time, one 'mum' asked DH for coffee after he dropped our kids OFF at 9am- ish. (He didn't go!) I worked days - 3 days one week, 4 the next, and he worked night shifts at the time.

I know all this coz firstly, he told me, secondly, I witnessed it myself, on a few occasions where I finished early and got to the school 2-3 minutes before the kids came out, and I also saw the women doing it in front of me, whilst looking down their nose at me and ignoring me.

One time, a woman was being massively flirty with my husband, and I saw her (through the railings when I was walking through the car park,) and when she saw me, her face dropped. She looked SO disappointed that I had turned up, gave me a death stare, and continued to talk to DH, whilst completely ignoring me, and turning away from me like I wasn't even there. I said to DH after, 'did you SEE that? how she completely ignored me?!'

He said 'yeah I did actually!' And it was then that I told him how this kind of thing was pissing me off now. Sad I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed, and it was the dads at the school gate always chatting me up! And asking me for coffee a their house, (with only him and me there!) He said he would hate it. After that DH was polite, but didn't engage in lengthy conversations with the school gate mums... He just said 'hi' and moved on.

Upshot is though, that he didn't 'go off' with any of them, cos he loved me (loves me,) and was not interested.

You friend is out of order though, flirting with your husband. BAD girl code!!! Hmm I would be ghosting her tbh. She clearly fancies him, and even though he is not interested in HER, that does not extinguish her flirting with your DH.

I don't think your husband (and other men) realise how hurtful and upsetting it is when women flirt with them, (and they are very friendly - and even a bit flirty back!) Coz if THEY are too friendly with the women, the women get the impression they fancy them, when they are often just being friendly.....

As I said, most men - if not ALL men - would not like it if the roles were reversed, and some mate of his kept flirting with you.