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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Think friend fancies my Husband

160 replies

Anonymumm · 19/08/2018 03:09

Sorry, just have to get it off my chest.

A friend (not close, whom I see rarely) definitely fancies my Husband, she doesn't flirt but it's soooo obvious that she fancies him.

My DH is really handsome, and I dont think you'd put us together, but we've been together forever, married a long time, and two lovely DC.

This friend is also extremely attractive, a lot younger and a lot prettier than me.

I don't know why, but it unsettles me - I'm being silly aren't I? Insecure and silly? I guess it's because it's so bloody obvious to me (thankfully, DH oblivious and I'm not mentioning it to him or anyone else, just need to vent and get it off my chest)

Anyone else had similar?

OP posts:

Orchiddingme · 19/08/2018 10:08

Gwenhwyfar I agree but can't be bothered to argue about it. My husband even made friends with a woman or two at the school gate and went for a coffee! He was a SAHD three days a week and two of those have turned out to be friendships of 10 years or more, of the whole family.

I do know what it's like to feel insecure, but I wouldn't pander to it- dropping friends who are doing nothing, or trying to find uglier ones is a ticket to unhappiness and not known to prevent affairs if the other party is determined anyway!

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 10:11

Orchid - if the husband is a SAHD surely telling him he can't have female friends (like a poster above who told her DH he could only say 'hi' to school mums) would lead to his being socially isolated. Similar for a woman who works mainly with men.

Confusedbeetle · 19/08/2018 10:16

Well, I would have a light-hearted conversation with the husband and have done in the past along the lines of- I know nothing has happened and I am being a bit sensitive but It seems to me that she really fancies you and it is making me feel really insecure. I'm not keen on being around her for that reason

twattymctwatterson · 19/08/2018 10:18

It sounds like this woman's only crime is being attractive while in the vicinity of ops husband.

Havabiscuit · 19/08/2018 10:32

Fancying your husband is not a crime.
Years ago, after I got divorced and was quite depressed about it I fancied a friends husband. I always liked him and we got on well but didn’t think about him like that at all. It came out of the blue. Looking back it was because my marriage had failed and I thought I should have chosen someone like him.
Anyhow, I never did a thing about it. Avoided them and gave myself several good talkings to. Soon found some one legitimate to fancy and I’m friends with them both still.
So OP. Unless you think they are actually having an affair or she is blatantly flirting with him under your nose I would just ignore her.

MaryDollNesbitt · 19/08/2018 10:33

Okay. She fancies him. So what?

Being attracted to people isn't something any of us can actually help, OP. We've got a yummy postman who turns me into a monosyllabic moron whenever I see him! He's very attractive and possibly the nicest man on planet earth. He's married and I would never act inappropriately around him or flirt, etc. That being said, I can't actually control my natural reactions whenever I see him, such as smiling or turning pink or becoming a bit tongue-tied, especially if he speaks to me. And that never happens to me around men, but with him? My brain checks out and turns into mulch. I'm normally quite confident and assertive too. My NDN has the same reaction to him too, so I feel a bit better about that at least, because it's not just me!

It doesn't sound like there is anything to worry about with your friend. Yes, you are being silly

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 19/08/2018 10:34

Thing is, you say your husband is handsome. Beauty is in eye of beholder. Ive seen plenty of women posting pics of their ‘handsome’ husband on FB, and said blokes are absolute mingers. Suspect you may have a distorted view on the whole situation.

Havabiscuit · 19/08/2018 10:36

I should add that I think my friend suspected but gave me some space. We have never talked about it. I value her friendship and I suppose she valued mine as well

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 10:40

"Avoided them and gave myself several good talkings to. "

What an overreaction.

Havabiscuit · 19/08/2018 10:42

What an overreaction

It didn’t seem so at the time. I had really strong feelings and was afraid I’d act on them and lose them both as friends.

Makeupaddikt · 19/08/2018 10:44

My BIL has A few mums at the school gate who fancy him. He is a good looking man, and he openly flirts with them in a jokey way (can’t explain this any other way, but he doesn’t pay them compliments or say anything untoward IFYSWIM) and even goes group walks with them (yes him and about 3 women). He tells his wife about all this, he is very open about it BUT he wouldn’t dream of being anything other than friends with these women BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS WIFE.

His wife just thinks it’s a laugh because she is secure within herself and her marriage.
Remember it’s not only about looks it’s about being a lovely person too. Your husband might be looking at your “friend’ saying to himself ‘do you know what, your actually a horrible person, your my wife’s so called friend and here it’s blatantly obvious you fancy me”

I think you should really look at ways of building up your self esteem, because I bet you are beautiful xx

ShumpaLumpa · 19/08/2018 10:50

@Makeupaddikt

Your husband might be looking at your “friend’ saying to himself ‘do you know what, your actually a horrible person, your my wife’s so called friend and here it’s blatantly obvious you fancy me”

Then he would be a bit of a twat because we can't help who we fancy, the important thing is not to act on it if the object is taken, which the OP's friend is abiding by by not flirting with him.

Wetwashing00 · 19/08/2018 11:00

Some of these comments are bloody shocking!

Ghost the friend? Drop her?
Why? The op has stated that the friend doesn’t flirt, so she is not making her crush visible to him.
What has she done wrong?
You can’t help who You fancy, but you can help acting on it, and she hasn’t acted on it.

There is of course also a chance that the friend doesn’t fancy him at all and it’s just the op insecurities making her a bit paranoid.

Makeupaddikt · 19/08/2018 11:02

shumpalumpa I never said anything in my post about her flirting with her husband.

If it’s obvious to OP that she fancy’s her husband, it could be obvious to her husband.

Your right we can’t help who we fancy, but we can help our actions. Her “friend” doesn’t have to be so obvious, although it would help if OP had described why she thinks this.

Nooblynoo · 19/08/2018 11:04

My best friend was attracted to my ex, he reacted. That's why he's my ex. Ok so you think she's attracted to him so ask her, then deal with it.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 11:05

"It didn’t seem so at the time. I had really strong feelings and was afraid I’d act on them and lose them both as friends."

Ah well that's a bit more than fancying then isn't it?

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 11:07

"do you know what, your actually a horrible person, your my wife’s so called friend and here it’s blatantly obvious you fancy me"

He'd be a dick if he thought like that, wouldn't he? Hardly the woman's fault if she fancies him. She hasn't made any moves towards him. How would that make her 'a horrible person'?

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 11:07

sorry, cross-posted with Shumpa.

Wetwashing00 · 19/08/2018 11:08

I’m really struggling to see how it’s obvious to the op if the friend isn’t flirting.
Surely making it obvious would include a bit of flirting.
The op may just have a really good intuition.
But since she said she’s not particularly close to her then I dont see how she can tell, that may just be the way she acts around men/friends husbands.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 11:09

"Her “friend” doesn’t have to be so obvious"

We've been told she's not doing anything to show it, just that OP can see it. I don't see how her friend can help it in this case.
You can't help blushing, for example and I can tell you that trying not to blush only makes it a hundred times worse.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 11:11

"Surely making it obvious would include a bit of flirting. "

Surely, you know there are other ways to see that someone fancies someone. They've been listed by another poster, but I'd include blushing when seeing someone or when they smile at you, looking embarrassed or flustered when they look at you or even when their name is mentioned. The way someone looks at someone else. All things we can't help.

Gwenhwyfar · 19/08/2018 11:12

"Some of these comments are bloody shocking!

Ghost the friend? Drop her? "

You forgot 'bin her' as if she was a piece of rubbish!

Coconutty · 19/08/2018 11:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

SofiaJessica4 · 19/08/2018 11:22

I've felt like that with my husband. But he married you, not her. Maybe keep your distance from her and don't invite her into your home. Maybe tell her, in an off-hand kind of way, oh do you LIKE my husband?

PositiveVibez · 19/08/2018 11:22

If you take your 'so handsome' husband down off that pedastal you have placed him on, it might not irk you quite so much that friends you hardly ever see, find him so attractive.

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