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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Scalded for drinking alcohol by a stranger

809 replies

Boilin · 18/08/2018 17:45

Went to Wetherspoons (I'm still there) with DP. I'm 28 weeks pregnant at the moment and had half a pint of cider with my meal. The woman who served it to me had no issue with it whatsoever, but the man stood next to me (not sure if he was slightly drunk) felt it appropriate to tell my DP that 'that won't be good for her or the baby' (hello I'm stood right here Hmm). DP told him, 'it's fine' and told me to ignore him and the bloke then continued to discuss under his breath with his partner/friend my choice to have a drink.

AIBU to think he had no right? To think that it's fine that I had half a pint once in a blue moon? To feel pissed off with the constant judgement of my ever move since I've been pregnant?

Ugh. I've just had enough of today! Sorry for moaning...

OP posts:
53rdWay · 19/08/2018 21:52

I did get told by an obstetrician to go home and have sex once Grin (Was v overdue and hoping to avoid induction.)

reallyhopethisworksNC · 19/08/2018 21:53

Are Savannah and the Seahorse lady the same person? Both disappeared for several hours and reappeared at the same time, and their comments are just backing each other up in a ridiculous manner.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 21:55

karyatide

”Well quite savanah; you’re doing exactly as you are told!"

“Oh come on, the midwife is not telling her to not go outside, or to be celibate for 9 months, or to wake multiple times in the night to ensure she hasn't rolled onto her right hand side (which she certainly will have done anyway unless she's in the late stages because everyone moves around in their sleep). The fact a poster who has posted about having mental health problems and a history of severe anxiety and agoraphobia, is admitting to such an extreme level of monitoring and anxiety over pregnancy, plus a continuation of agoraphobic patterns, is a major red flag and no health professional would condone it or let it pass.”

The not going out thing, no, obviously that isn’t an nhs recommendation. Ditto the no sex thing. But sleeping on your left hand side is. And the media recently were on about just how dreadfully dangerous it was not to do it. Is it surprising that savanah is really worried about doing the ‘wrong’ thing and somehow harming her baby? That’s what has been shouted at her by the media, backed up by the nhs website who will always err on the side of caution, (to cover their arses). Yes, her OH checking on her in the night is probably a bridge too far and actually I think the MW might say it wasn’t necessary, but what’s someone like savanah to do? It’s her baby, not the MW’s and there is so much scary info out there, which no HCP would dare contradict.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 21:57

reallyhopethisworks

Nope! I’m not savanah. I do think she needed a bit of support though and I don’t think I was wrong.

BakedBeans47 · 19/08/2018 21:58

I do think she needed a bit of support though and I don’t think I was wrong.

Plenty of people have offered her support. Telling her that her extremely anxious behaviour is normal and that she’s “just doing as she’s told” is not “supportive”.

Weedsnseeds1 · 19/08/2018 22:03

I have this as an earworm now
www.google.co.uk/search?client=ms-android-motorola&ei=Cth5W6zPNZDLwALt_YKgAQ&q=twice+daily+worzles&oq=twice+daily+worzles&gs_l=mobile-gws-wiz-serp.3..46i13j0i13.491.23770..24679...12.0..3.190.5598.27j26......0....1.......5..0j46j33i160j30i10j46i39j35i39j46i131j0i131j0i67j46i67j0i10j0i22i30j0i8i13i30.-QAvq9y_ezg#mie=e,,twice%20daily%20wurzels,H4sIAAAAAAAAAONgVuLRT9c3LDTNqjKvykp7xOjJLfDyxz1hKYdJa05eY7Ti4grOyC93zSvJLKkU0uFig7KUuASkUDRqMEjxcaGI8AAArQyt2FwAAAA
Scrump is cider, for those "not from these parts" Smile

mathanxiety · 19/08/2018 22:04

HollyGoLoudly, there is, as Saoirse reminds us all, no safe level of alcohol for anyone.

The advice to abstain from alcohol while pregnant is not just advice for 'other people', the ones who are too thick to understand what moderation is, or the ones who have problems.

The placenta operates in exactly the same way for everyone.

The judgement surrounding alcohol on this thread has been beyond patronising at times, and nonsensical at others.
The denial is what jumps off the screen at me. Weird.

Here is a discussion of Australian advice to abstain completely:
www.abc.net.au/health/thepulse/stories/2014/04/22/3986116.htm
A threshold effect

Despite the lack of clear evidence of harm from low-level drinking, O'Leary nonetheless believes the current guidelines are right in recommending pregnant women stay away from the bottle completely.

This is because it has been shown that a relatively small increase in the amount of alcohol a woman drinks can have a significant effect on her unborn baby.

"There isn't strong evidence one glass of alcohol is going to cause harm but there is good evidence that three to four standard drinks – that's just [about] two [average] glasses of wine – [no more than] once or twice a week might," O'Leary says.

This "moderate" level drinking increases the risk of the child developing behavioural problems including aggression, depression and anxiety between the ages of two and 15, she says, adding there's also good evidence for an increased risk of preterm birth.

With "such a small margin" before there is increased risk to the fetus, it would be "morally and ethically unacceptable" for guidelines to condone any drinking during pregnancy, she says.

Scientists may never be able to conclusively prove that low level drinking in pregnancy is safe. And even if they could, "the best advice is not to drink at all because it's too easy to drink more than you think" and slip into the range that does increase the risk of harm.

Drinks such as wine often contain a higher percentage of alcohol than women realise, making it easy to overdo things. "And people top up your glass without you noticing. There's all those sorts of factors involved.

"What you want to be doing during pregnancy is reducing the number of risks to your baby's development. The guidelines are there to set the standard for the best care. I think women should follow them."...

..."The difficulties people in our society face in not drinking are tough – even when they're pregnant," says Michael Thorn, chief executive for the Foundation for Alcohol Research and Education (FARE). "Research suggests people are even reluctant to say 'I'm not going to have a drink because I'm pregnant'."

O'Leary likens the situation to the early days when tobacco's ill-health effects first came to light.

"Smoking was very prevalent in the community, including among health professionals," she says. "There was a lot of denial and it's taken a long time for people to support restrictions on smoking in our society. I think the same idea is there for alcohol as well.

"The ultimate goal is to redefine 'normal' alcohol drinking patterns so that harmful drinking and drinking during pregnancy become socially unacceptable."

SavanahXx · 19/08/2018 22:04

@53rdWay I do not ask my partner to wake up and check on me, he does that off his own back, and I find it cute that he actually gives a damn Smile
@Karyatide you're quite annoying when you're clearly ignoring what I'm saying. I suffered anxiety not agoraphobia, I am not bloody scared of the outside, I go out when I want to go out, its not my fault id prefer to stay at home being cosy and watching films, when my baby is here, I intend to take her out all the time? but not around the area where I live because its just not at all great, hence why I prefer to stay in. also, I'm not much of mover in my sleep, instead if I'm uncomfortable, I wake up for some strange reason, but I also have pillows behind and in front of me to prevent accidental rolling.

and sorry @LyndorCake I'm just getting annoyed with everything switching from the original issue to my anxiety and the fact that I'm sticking to the recommended things Confused

@Nutkins24 my midwife and gp both have recommended no hot baths and definitely no saunas or steam rooms, and that's been on every one of my pregnancies, each area is different I guess Confused

Lethaldrizzle · 19/08/2018 22:07

Isn't cider good for bringing on labour?!

SavanahXx · 19/08/2018 22:09

WHY IS EVERYONE FOCUSING ON MY ANXIETY WHEN THIS THREAD IS ABOUT DRINKING jeez! and sorry for not spending my every second on mumsnet haha, oh dear.

karyatide · 19/08/2018 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

apriljune12 · 19/08/2018 22:12

No I started off on this thread thinking the nanny state was utterly ridiculous on this issue and still do but now realise there are really people here who can’t judge risks for themselves or make informed sensible choices and are clearly illogically unbalanced, thick and suggestive so yes crack on those types and absolutely no half a cider for you.

The rest of us are quite able to manage our lives, mitigate risks and sjr choices even while pregnant

Who knew

apriljune12 · 19/08/2018 22:15

Last time savanah

Because you are completely and utterly OTT about your pregnancy in your posts and you are judgy and rude to other mums.

Posters are worried about you. Anyway I can’t be arsed any more.

Op good thread. Have a great pregnancy and a toast to your little one

Cheers Grin

mathanxiety · 19/08/2018 22:18

Nutkins24
Never heard a midwife say you shouldn’t take hot baths, again there’s little evidence that this would raise core temp to a level that was harmful. Having a short sauna or steam is fine too. All these super cautious pieces of advice based on no evidence are only handed out because it’s women that get pregnant

You seem determined to cast aspersions on everything that doesn't accord with your gung ho approach, and your feminist take on things is laughable.

Just because you believe women are being patronised, and you don't believe there could be evidence of problems or that problems happen to other populations doesn't mean the evidence doesn't exist or that the advice is not appropriate. The advice is especially pertinent in the first trimester.

Pregnant women shouldn't allow their body temp to rise above 39C. This is easier to avoid in a bath than a hot tub or a sauna.

Again, I have to ask - why would anyone take the risk? What would they be trying to prove, or trying to achieve?

SavanahXx · 19/08/2018 22:19

@Karyatide haha your so offensive its unreal, I've had jobs, hate hate hated them, I went to college, again, I didn't like it, I first got pregnant unexpectedly at 17, and it wasn't until I lost my baby that I realised I want to be a mum and id be a pretty great one too, also try living in Bolton, I don't want to associate myself with young mums who have babies to get a house and par their children off on anyone and everyone so they can get pissed and twisted on a weekend. THEY ARE NOT MY TYPE OF PEOPLE. so yes, I like the fact that I have my OH's family support, he also has sisters and brothers around my age and a little older, so yeah, I also brought up my brother and sister since being 12, so I think you'll find that its a normal thing for me, I'm lucky financially, so that's also a bonus, but why on earth do I even have to explain myself to the likes of you?? also OH is 21, just turned, and is always trying to get me to go out, But newsflash, I don't want to. so he doesn't force me into doing things I don't want to. id be alarmed if he did.

Jackieyoulooknice · 19/08/2018 22:19

@Boilin
@abacucat
Both of you incorrectly saying a small amount of alcohol will do no damage.
Actually, there is no evidence to say HOW MUCH alcohol does damage, just that it does, so you are supposed to eliminate all risk by having none.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 19/08/2018 22:20

@mathanxiety The denial is what jumps off the screen at me. Weird. Denial about what? I have stated in several posts that I have chosen not to drink (for other reasons though!) so I am not in denial about anything.

I have read the news article (which is simply about the rationale of the Australian policy of zero alcohol) and there is nothing in it that contradicts anything I have said. In fact, I agree with pretty much the whole article. I assume you were trying to somehow 'educate' me, but believe me I need no help here - my job is literally scientific research. A one off news article from ABC news about Australian public health policies will do nothing to change my views.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 19/08/2018 22:20

Telling her that her extremely anxious behaviour is normal and that she’s “just doing as she’s told” is not “supportive”

I never said normal, or at least I didn’t mean to! I don’t think it’s normal, but it is understandable considering her history, age and the pressure on pregnant women these days to get everything perfect or face dire circumstances.

If you think savanah and I are making identical points, I would invite you to reread all of my posts a little more carefully. Or maybe I’m just not explaining myself terribly well today 🤷‍♀️.

karyatide · 19/08/2018 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavanahXx · 19/08/2018 22:24

@apriljune12
I'm judgy and rude to other mums? have you heard a lot of these other comments hahaha, I think you'll find there's more than just me who is judgy and rude, I simply stated that I find it disgusting that people would even put a risk whether it being a big one or tiny one on their baby while drinking, its not hard to quit drinking for 9 months. nhs even recommends that you stop drinking before TTC
I don't have that problem because I don't even like drinking, I think its pointless, and I also just generally don't like the taste, that is my opinion, all I have done is voiced my opinion, I didn't think it was wrong to do so?

Jackieyoulooknice · 19/08/2018 22:24

I've heard some professionals theorise that it might be if you consume alcohol at a specific gestation when certain parts of the brain are developing.

dontbesillyhenry · 19/08/2018 22:24

I drank a very small amount with my first. Healthy 13 year old.
Drank maybe one whilst pregnant with my second. Healthy 11 year old.
Drank none at all with my third.
Healthy 2 year old. So err yeah that proves- bugger all 😂

CheeseOnToastMmm · 19/08/2018 22:25

Totally fine OP, I was casually necking bottles of glens on the street corner until I was 34 weeks, only stopped as I ended up in hospital. All was not lost though, I made good friends in the outside smoking area. Our offspring are all good mates and looking at the same courses at borstal.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 19/08/2018 22:28

@karyatide
Exactly! Thanks for posting that, I was too exasperated to properly articulate the issues with the article Confused

BakedBeans47 · 19/08/2018 22:31

I’m afraid I agree with karyatide. 19 and pregnant with no job, ongoing education or social life doesn’t sound like much of a life. I hope it all somehow works out for you and your baby Savanah.

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