Delicate situation

[PeapodBurgundy]

Not sure how to play this one at all, so I thought I'd ask here for want of somewhere else.

We've recently moved house (FINALLY got the keys about 3 weeks ago, moved in last week once it was fit-ish to live in). The people next door are lovely, and I think we're going to get along well. They also have children one of whom is slightly older than our son, so lots of potential for them to play together etc.

The issue I'm facing at the moment, is they have an older son (I think they said he's 7) who has low functioning ASD. He's a climber, escapes often. He ends up in our garden several times a day, which as a rule I don't mind in the slightest, (he and his younger sister have already been over a few times to play in the garden with our son when OH is at work and I'm out there to keep an eye that they're playing on the lawn where it's safe not on the patio where it isn't) but we're currently renovating the house, so there are often things which are unsafe in the back garden (think work horses which he's been found sitting on, circular saws, chisels etc). These are all put away between uses so our own son can play in the garden, but there are times where the tools etc are out in the garden and OH is in the house fitting whichever thing he's just made/cut etc. It's impractical to lock away the tools every time he comes back into the house as he's building a kitchen from scratch, so there are lots of ins and outs to make adjustments, it would make the job take months. We keep the gate shut, but he's coming in over the shed roof (one giant building split between both houses, I assume the old coal shed and outhouse so not something we can move). We have no problem with him being there when OH is out to keep an eye, and once the garden is set up properly with the toys etc once the renovations are done he's welcome to come and go as he pleases, it's not a territorial thing, I'm just petrified he's going to hurt himself, as he has no fear or sense of danger as far as I can see.
The first few times it happened I just took him back to his own garden, but when it kept happening, I started giving the back door a quick knock to let them know I'd brought him out of our garden because there are tools etc lying about. It hasn't stopped him coming over (he's non-verbal and I don't know him well enough to know how much of what I say to him he's able to understand). At the moment there are a load of MASSIVE wooden boards under a tarp for the kitchen, and some big items waiting for the council to collect to scrap piled up on the patio, with nowhere else to go, if they fell on him they could seriously hurt him. I've just tried to tie them to the wall of the house, but they're still not secure enough I'd be confident a child could play safely near them.
I feel I need to speak with his Mam about my concerns, but I don't want to offend or upset her. She has a lot on her plate (home alone most of the day with him and two others), I don't want it to come across as critical or judgey, or a 'get orf my laand' attitude, because that's not the case, but the comments about the garden not being safe at the moment don't seem to be registering. I need her to try something different to keep him out of the garden just in the short term as I can't be out there all of the time watching her son; we have baby number 2 due on Monday, so I'm up to my neck trying to get as much of the house sorted as I can before we're working around a toddler AND a newborn.

Any tips on how to handle things without causing a rift will be gratefully received (or if there's something obvious I haven't thought about regarding making the garden safe/secure that would be welcomed too). Sorry for the War and Peace effort!!

I don't understand why you are so reluctant to spell out the boys parent whats going on, when sooner or later there's a good chance he might get injured.

You're thinking too much about the needs of the mother and not enough about the needs of the child.
His need to be SAFE trumps the needs of his mother not to be upset/feel hassled. This issue is a safeguarding concern -

• he is 7
• he has low functioning ASD and is non verbal = extremely vulnerable child
• he is repeatedly escaping from the home in to dangerous situations including climbing on roofs
• his mother is not aware of his presence and is not safeguarding him

I say this as a social worker - you need to refer these concerns to children's social care.
His safety should be paramount, not your concerns over the mother (valid as those may be).

Am I the only person wondering if the NDNs are what encouraged the previous owners of OP's house to move?

No, you're not alone ...

I tell her several times a day that he's in the garden again and that it isn't childproofed. I took him back the first few times without letting her know, but that was all on the first day of me being here. When it kept happening on day 2, I started knocking every time, so she knows every time he's in there, and knows that the space isn't safe, as I tell her each time I return him. I fetch her when he's on the roof as I can't get him down without climbing ladders which I'm not doing at the moment, so she knows how he's getting in. It's not that she isn't aware of what's happening, it's that sufficient enough attention isn't being paid to him to stop him from doing it.

Not rtft but just want to suggest maybe getting a few panels of that tall wire mesh fencing (heras?) that you see around building sites and keeping the dangerous items in a pen? Obviously his parents need to work on stopping him coming over but if you can also secure the tools etc then it gives you peace of mind.

What does she actually say when you talk to her? Does she offer any explanation at all?

I have an autistic climber/escape artist. Ask her if she's been put in touch with OT at the council to make the house safer.

Op if he's genuinely at risk you may have to consider contacting ss. They can help her get the garden/house made more secure.

It could be she's so used to this behaviour she doesn't bat an eye. Tbh these days if I find dd in the roof I don't panic anymore just fetch a camera and demand she gets down. It's amazing what you can get used to.

Was your house empty for a while? Has he been used to it being his playground? She seems a bit oblivious and as much as you don't want to hurt her, he needs protecting. Much more so than a child without SN.

Pea you sound wonderfully accommodating and inclusive. As a parent of a child with Send that's great fully received.

But I fear you may be attempting to to be a little too understanding and PC!

This is your home which you have the right to enjoy the privacy of.

You need to find a way to get this stopped for boy yours and the boys sake.

Do you honestly have no worry that you may go to the toilet one day leaving your newborn in a pram/ on floor and him coming in?
How well do you know him really to be perfectly confident that doesn't put newborn at risk?
To be the answer would be higher fencing and some fencing over the top of the shed or a block to prevent him going up and over.

I can’t believe they aren’t watching their 7 year old non verbal asc son who they KNOW escapes. That’s so irresponsible. My son has autism and escapes so he can’t go into the garden without an adult with him! It’s my job to make sure he doesn’t escape or hurt himself.

I was would approach the mum and nicely say that it’s unsafe for him to be climbing over as you’ve got serious drills out in the Gardena nd with no one outside you don’t want him hurting h yourself. She won’t say no and she should keep a closer eye. Just be forward but polite.

She won’t hate you for saying you don’t want her son to hurt himself on power tools

" I opened the door to a parcel yesterday and he was running loose on the green outside the houses in nothing but an incontinence pad"

You need to ring social services. This combined with all the other not knowing where he is, is a safeguarding issue. He is at risk.

You also need to look into whether you could be held liable if he hurts himself on your property 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op, You sound lovely - but that's not going to protect this child or in fact your own.
Suggest that you and OH rehearse what you're going to say so that your message is clear and simple. This is not your work - this is about the child's safety and the long term potential safety of your own home. You need to keep your boundaries clear.
Something along the lines of: 'Your child must not climb over into our garden ever. There is no one to supervise him and at the moment it's especially dangerous. It's really important that you make sure he never escapes and comes into our garden uninvited." That's not quite right but someone else will no doubt come up with something better.

Try not to 'over compensate' and make your message woolly and unclear to her. Establish the boundary now for everyone's sake. This parent is failing to supervise and protect their child. Most of us will empathise with her but the child's safety is more important than any hurt feelings she might have.

If this doesn't work then you may need to contact someone like the NSPCC.

Also you can ring the NSPCC for advice. They will tell you if it's a safeguarding issue.

NDN sounds extremely negligent. Shocking

It's not that she isn't aware of what's happening, it's that sufficient enough attention isn't being paid to him to stop him from doing it.

Well indeed! Which is why it is a safeguarding concern and you need to act on it properly, OP.

OP, you are being too nice about this. You must go and see your neighbour and say very clearly that this must stop and does she need any help with ideas about preventing her child from getting into your garden and potentially being really seriously injured.

If you are simply popping him back with a smile you are giving her the impression that you don’t mind. This is going to be a massive PITA in the future unless you tackle it straight away and ver firmly. Not, it’s ok if DH is in the garden- you cannot be responsible for her child’s safety.

Be her friend and encourage the dc to be friends for sure but don’t become an enabler of this danger.

I have three autistic sons, two of them are runners and escape artists. I have alarms fitted on garden and front doors, and some of the downstairs windows. I keep all these locked and double locked at all times. If the mum knows he is able to get out, can you ask her if she needs help securing her doors? That is what I would do.

You need to tell her OP. It's dangerous he's unsupervised and the 'she doesn't notice' is beyond worrying. Is she coping/overwhelmed is my thought: The other two must be a handful if she doesnt notice that he's AWOL. I wonder if they're old enough for free nursery hours so she gets some kind of break etc.

I used to live in a similar set up. NDN and I had the same rules: if the gate was open, you could come in. If it was shut, it wasn’t convenient.

@PeapodBurgundy

You've just spelled out the problem. She isn't looking after him. She isn't supervising him. And she isn't changing her behaviour despite you having to tell her several times a day.

You know all this. So what needs to happen for you to call in extra support? A broken arm? Broken neck? Missing for half a day? Full day? When will you finally realise that the child needs to be safe and the mother isn't doing it.

I have to say that you are far nicer and more tolerant than I would be.

To me, my privacy in my own home and garden is sacrosanct and I wouldn't take kindly at all to having it invaded by anyone uninvited.

I'd probably have been understanding the first twice (with increasing irritation underneath) but by the third time I would be making clear to the parents that it is trespass and must stop otherwise action will be considered.

He is currently just 7 and therefore reasonably manageable. By the time he is 12 or 13 though he will be much bigger. I have known some 13 year olds who are not far off adult size, my own teemagers included. What then?

Maybe I am just a grouchy old goat, but I would see this as a serious and repeated invasion of my privacy and wouldn't tolerate it at all.

You have another baby due imminently. Surely this child's repeated invasions will then become a stress you simply don't need?? That is quite apart from the obvious safeguarding issues at play here.

STOP saying that he is only to be kept out while the garden is unsafe. He is to be kept out unless you specifically invite him in. Full. Stop.

You really don’t seem to be listening.

This HAS to stop. It’s unsafe and unwise - for many reasons. It is also incredibly unfair on the little boy. For any number of reasons you will undoubtedly come to a stage where you don’t want him uninvited in your garden or your home...then you will have to try to make that clear to him at a point where he is used to doing it. Be KIND to him NOW and make the rules clear - he doesn’t come into your house or your garden unless you go and call for him (even then I’m not sure it’s wise, it might just be confusing for him).

You are trying be be nice, but in fact you are helping her (them?) to be irresponsible. Of course it’s HARD, it’s bloody hard, with a child with SN making them low achieving/non verbal etc but it is HER/THEIR responsibility, above ALL else,to keep him safe and they are failing him.

If this is indeed her best, it isn’t good enough and she either needs to sort it out or get help.

Being very blunt, you softly softly not dealing with this is you enabling her/them to put him in danger. It’s not your responsibility to actively keep him safe, but it is your responsibility to make sure that if they won’t, that someone else steps in. You will feel dreadful if he gets run over or something and you hadn’t made the authorities aware. It’s NOT like he keeps escaping and she’s distraught trying to find him and sort it...she hasn’t even noticed he’s gone and she doesn’t even stop chatting on the phone when you return him FFS. It sounds very neglectful to me, not like a parent ‘doing their best’

I'd stop returning him, ring her every time to come and get him, may make her try and stop him, and also you have proof you have asked her to stop him multiple times (via phone records).
Also maybe try to email/put note through door and keep copies. Record when it happens and the fact that you've told the mum it's not safe.
May help if he does injure himself on your property.

They're all school nursery age or above, but I don't know if/what they attend. We've spoken often but only ever briefly, so with it being summer I don't know their usual routine. My house is usually locked, and will be again when OH gets home with the new door handle tonight. It only came off last night, and I haven't been able to go and get another as there's no way to secure the patio doors.

I don't ever get much of a response, just an 'okay and thank you' level answer. We don't want to go in and do any work on the shed roof on account of the asbestos. We have no idea how far encased it is, as far as we know, drilling into it to add trellis etc to increase the height could be enough to reach and release it.

I considered putting pots up there, but we can only do that on our half, so it may stop him jumping down into our garden, but it wouldn't stop him being on the shed roof, and could just result in a load of broken pots for him to jump down into.

For goodness sake.

You are not listening. Why are you talking about putting up a trellis or stick pit plants on the roof? That's not the issue.

Put on your big girl pants and deal with the mother. Anything else is just a tactic so you can stay the nice friendly neighbour and tell yourself you've done what you can.

A child is being neglected. That's all that you need to know to act.