Delicate situation

[PeapodBurgundy]

Not sure how to play this one at all, so I thought I'd ask here for want of somewhere else.

We've recently moved house (FINALLY got the keys about 3 weeks ago, moved in last week once it was fit-ish to live in). The people next door are lovely, and I think we're going to get along well. They also have children one of whom is slightly older than our son, so lots of potential for them to play together etc.

The issue I'm facing at the moment, is they have an older son (I think they said he's 7) who has low functioning ASD. He's a climber, escapes often. He ends up in our garden several times a day, which as a rule I don't mind in the slightest, (he and his younger sister have already been over a few times to play in the garden with our son when OH is at work and I'm out there to keep an eye that they're playing on the lawn where it's safe not on the patio where it isn't) but we're currently renovating the house, so there are often things which are unsafe in the back garden (think work horses which he's been found sitting on, circular saws, chisels etc). These are all put away between uses so our own son can play in the garden, but there are times where the tools etc are out in the garden and OH is in the house fitting whichever thing he's just made/cut etc. It's impractical to lock away the tools every time he comes back into the house as he's building a kitchen from scratch, so there are lots of ins and outs to make adjustments, it would make the job take months. We keep the gate shut, but he's coming in over the shed roof (one giant building split between both houses, I assume the old coal shed and outhouse so not something we can move). We have no problem with him being there when OH is out to keep an eye, and once the garden is set up properly with the toys etc once the renovations are done he's welcome to come and go as he pleases, it's not a territorial thing, I'm just petrified he's going to hurt himself, as he has no fear or sense of danger as far as I can see.
The first few times it happened I just took him back to his own garden, but when it kept happening, I started giving the back door a quick knock to let them know I'd brought him out of our garden because there are tools etc lying about. It hasn't stopped him coming over (he's non-verbal and I don't know him well enough to know how much of what I say to him he's able to understand). At the moment there are a load of MASSIVE wooden boards under a tarp for the kitchen, and some big items waiting for the council to collect to scrap piled up on the patio, with nowhere else to go, if they fell on him they could seriously hurt him. I've just tried to tie them to the wall of the house, but they're still not secure enough I'd be confident a child could play safely near them.
I feel I need to speak with his Mam about my concerns, but I don't want to offend or upset her. She has a lot on her plate (home alone most of the day with him and two others), I don't want it to come across as critical or judgey, or a 'get orf my laand' attitude, because that's not the case, but the comments about the garden not being safe at the moment don't seem to be registering. I need her to try something different to keep him out of the garden just in the short term as I can't be out there all of the time watching her son; we have baby number 2 due on Monday, so I'm up to my neck trying to get as much of the house sorted as I can before we're working around a toddler AND a newborn.

Any tips on how to handle things without causing a rift will be gratefully received (or if there's something obvious I haven't thought about regarding making the garden safe/secure that would be welcomed too). Sorry for the War and Peace effort!!

If you explained exactly as you have here I don't think anyone could take offence!
(I also love the 'only on mumsnet' thing of dropping in last sentence that you're due any day now! I don't think your neighbour or anyone's on the planet will take it the wrong way if a pregnant neighbour asks them that their son not play around power tools!)

It’s really up to your neighbour to look after her own son - all you can do is warn her of the dangers, OP

Sadly that's not true. The occupier of a house has a duty of care to anyone on their property, even if they are trespassing.

Ok, so now he's coming into your home. As someone else said, if he hurts himself, it will be your responsibility, same in your garden.

The parents clearly have issues, the child is not secure and is running around in other people's houses and in public spaces, this is incredibly dangerous for the child, they don't know you and you didn't invite them in- what if they went to the house of someone who wasn't as kind or had bad motives towards children?

Please, be very very firm from now on. Return him, get your own place locked up, warn them very bluntly he is escaping over the roof/out the front door, that this is not ok with you and step back from the whole situation. It sounds a nightmare, but it needn't be YOUR nightmare.

You do sound a lovely person.
I would speak to the Mum next door and tell her that her boy is climbing into your yard over the shed roof and as there's dangerous stuff in the yard you're worried about him getting hurt. Is there any way that they can stop him from their side.
Also, I would not be over-welcoming and letting the kids next door come and go as they like in the future.
They need to knock on the front door first and ask if your children are available to play.
Make the rule now as I have a feeling that if you don't , this will come back to sting you on the tail.

Any way you can put something on their roof to stop him climbing over?

anti climb paint on the shed roof? tell her you've done it, and tell her it is out of fear of her son hurting himself, and you hope it will deter him

Perhaps it might make more of an impact on her if, instead of walking him back home, you were to call her on the phone each and every time and make her come and get him. As it is, she probably has the feeling of "Oh well, if Johnny gets in the garden Peapod will bring him back. She doesn't mind".

I'd explain the dangers, ask for her phone number, and politely tell her that in future you will be calling her and expecting her to come and fetch her son home right away.

And I agree, it's never a good idea to give children the idea that your yard is the neighbourhood playground.

You do need to speak to the parents, it's their responsibility to keep him safe, not yours.

You've only been in the house a few weeks, I'd advise caution about making your garden too available for NDN's children to play in, as you will have your hands full with a new baby and young child of your own, and minding other people's children can be tiring.

It would worry me that the young lad seems not to have a sense of danger.

If you put something on your property that has the potential,to harm someone - if he slipped off the roof after you painted it with anti climb paint for instance - you must display a warning sign informing of that.

Took him back but she was on the phone so no opportunity for discussion. Going to have to face the conversation soon though. It needs sorting before something happens.

appleisapple5 I've posted/mentioned in comments several times about the pregnancy, definitely not making it up, I just happen to be due on Monday. Everyone has to be due eventually (although it's starting not to feel that way )

anti climb paint on the shed roof? tell her you've done it, and tell her it is out of fear of her son hurting himself, and you hope it will deter him

on second thoughts maybe don't tell her you've done it because of her son, just tell her its happening as part of the doing up and security of your garden in general

You do need to speak to the parents, it's their responsibility to keep him safe, not yours.

And again - not true if he injures himself in the OP's property

If you put something on your property that has the potential,to harm someone - if he slipped off the roof after you painted it with anti climb paint for instance - you must display a warning sign informing of that.

anti climb paint won't make it slippery, it will make it sticky and hard to clean off your skin and will ruin your clothes.

yes, put warning signs up! It son't harm him though, although he ( and his mum) will most likely hate it, and never go anywhere near it again

In the nicest possible way I think you’re trying to be too accommodating. At the end of the day this is your house, your family. Inviting someone round is entirely different from someone (whether with SEND or not) invading your space.

It’s this boys parents responsibility to keep him safe. You just need to kindly but firmly make it clear that he cannot just come onto your property without being asked, and that when he does, there’s a deal risk to him injuring himself.

This honestly could get really complicated. In the awful event he does hurt himself, the parents could turn round and try to hold you accountable because of leaving dangerous stuff about and having allowed him in multiple times before. Stress can make people behave very unreasonably and if the mum isn’t coping she could turn this onto you.

Secondly, neighbours the other side (and future people in your house if you move at some point) may react quite differently and yell at the boy or something. So actually it’s not fair to him to not establish boundaries. Whatever his level of need all children deserve clear boundaries to keep them safe and feeling safe. It’s not fair to you that his parents aren’t doing this which puts the ball in your court. But i think in fairness to everyone you need to make the situation clear

anti climb paint won't make it slippery, it will make it sticky and hard to clean off your skin and will ruin your clothes.

Ahh thanks - luckily have never had to find out what it is

I'm worried for the little lad. This sounds like a classic case of parental neglect to me . Poor wee soul.
I do hope I'm wrong and the parents address the situation that you have highlighted, and he stops coming into your garden unannounced.

nokidshere
Sadly that's not true. The occupier of a house has a duty of care to anyone on their property, even if they are trespassing.

This all the way.

Even more worrying is that because you know of his issues and that he is likely to come in at anytime it may affect any insurance pay out if the tools are left out.

You are extremely tolerant. I work with several non-verbal kids with ASD and quite a few are climbers. It's really hard to keep tabs on them and I have lost quite a bit of weight running to catch them/retrieve them from trees. I know she must have so much on her hands, but I would be extremely worried for his welfare as he is a vulnerable child and next time it might not be generous-natured you that finds him running about unsupervised, but somebody more sinister - as well as the fact he could really hurt himself. Go into the conversation with his welfare at heart, which it sounds as if you sincerely mean, and it should all be alright. I guess he will be at school in a couple of weeks too, which will help

May need to send OH over. I'm not very assertive at the best of times (likely why my warnings about the tools etc so far have fallen on deaf ears). I just hate the thought of being that person who says 'See that best you're doing? Well it's not good enough'. I have one child with no additional needs, and that wipes me some days.
They know OH works in a specialist ASD hospital, so they may actually take it better from him than me, as they know he gets it. (I've worked with my fair share of SEN too, but they don't know that. I don't want to come across as 'smug mother who thinks she can do better', because aside from anything else, I don't think I probably could!).

So, they have a 7 y.o. with low level of special needs, whom they leave unsupervised long enough for him to climb into their neighbours garden and go unnoticed.

You are being too polite OP.

Please speak to NDN parents straight away and tell them, their garden is not secure and he is climbing into yours, you have building works going on and unsafe building debris and tools in your garden (as is your right in a secured garden).

This is CSD referral worthy if they don't supervise their child, such that he's regularly absconding. So yanbu to raise it strongly with them.

They have to take steps to keep him safe. I'm afraid CSD would take a dim view of this if it continues after you've warned them.

I watch my youngest (NT) child and she's older than 7!

Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind

If that child gets hurt, you'll never forgive yourself.

Knock on her door and explain what you've wrote. That she needs to be more aware of his whereabouts and that he's not safe currently

if You feel more comfortable get your DH to do it. Just a clear explanation of the dangers and the fact that the boy is welcome to come and play when invited

Honestly it’s only fair to the boy apart quite apart from your family’s right to privacy. Being non verbal it’s even more important that boundaries are very clearly explained, simply but firmly. It’s kinder to him in the long run because I imagine it will be very confusing if he’s sometimes chased, sometimes taken back, sometimes allowed to just stay... he’ll feel more secure once he knows the rules for coming to your garden

It’s this boys parents responsibility to keep him safe.

And once again - it's the OPs responsibility if he injures himself when he is on her property regardless of whether he has been invited or not, and even if she doesn't know he's there.

You sound lovely, but mixed messages are going to put him even more at risk. He needs to be told he absolutely must not come in.

Yes. You're being much too accommodating. He has to stop coming over and you need to tell his mum that. It's dangerous and it's not teaching him about boundaries.