Delicate situation

[PeapodBurgundy]

Not sure how to play this one at all, so I thought I'd ask here for want of somewhere else.

We've recently moved house (FINALLY got the keys about 3 weeks ago, moved in last week once it was fit-ish to live in). The people next door are lovely, and I think we're going to get along well. They also have children one of whom is slightly older than our son, so lots of potential for them to play together etc.

The issue I'm facing at the moment, is they have an older son (I think they said he's 7) who has low functioning ASD. He's a climber, escapes often. He ends up in our garden several times a day, which as a rule I don't mind in the slightest, (he and his younger sister have already been over a few times to play in the garden with our son when OH is at work and I'm out there to keep an eye that they're playing on the lawn where it's safe not on the patio where it isn't) but we're currently renovating the house, so there are often things which are unsafe in the back garden (think work horses which he's been found sitting on, circular saws, chisels etc). These are all put away between uses so our own son can play in the garden, but there are times where the tools etc are out in the garden and OH is in the house fitting whichever thing he's just made/cut etc. It's impractical to lock away the tools every time he comes back into the house as he's building a kitchen from scratch, so there are lots of ins and outs to make adjustments, it would make the job take months. We keep the gate shut, but he's coming in over the shed roof (one giant building split between both houses, I assume the old coal shed and outhouse so not something we can move). We have no problem with him being there when OH is out to keep an eye, and once the garden is set up properly with the toys etc once the renovations are done he's welcome to come and go as he pleases, it's not a territorial thing, I'm just petrified he's going to hurt himself, as he has no fear or sense of danger as far as I can see.
The first few times it happened I just took him back to his own garden, but when it kept happening, I started giving the back door a quick knock to let them know I'd brought him out of our garden because there are tools etc lying about. It hasn't stopped him coming over (he's non-verbal and I don't know him well enough to know how much of what I say to him he's able to understand). At the moment there are a load of MASSIVE wooden boards under a tarp for the kitchen, and some big items waiting for the council to collect to scrap piled up on the patio, with nowhere else to go, if they fell on him they could seriously hurt him. I've just tried to tie them to the wall of the house, but they're still not secure enough I'd be confident a child could play safely near them.
I feel I need to speak with his Mam about my concerns, but I don't want to offend or upset her. She has a lot on her plate (home alone most of the day with him and two others), I don't want it to come across as critical or judgey, or a 'get orf my laand' attitude, because that's not the case, but the comments about the garden not being safe at the moment don't seem to be registering. I need her to try something different to keep him out of the garden just in the short term as I can't be out there all of the time watching her son; we have baby number 2 due on Monday, so I'm up to my neck trying to get as much of the house sorted as I can before we're working around a toddler AND a newborn.

Any tips on how to handle things without causing a rift will be gratefully received (or if there's something obvious I haven't thought about regarding making the garden safe/secure that would be welcomed too). Sorry for the War and Peace effort!!

Am I the only person wondering if the NDNs are what encouraged the previous owners of OP's house to move? I wonder if climbing into your garden uninvited is going to end up being the tip of a much bigger iceberg, OP. Agree with pp you need to be assertive with this child's parents at the outset - unless you want to end up moving house again yourself sooner rather than later.

And once again - it's the OPs responsibility if he injures himself when he is on her property regardless of whether he has been invited or not, and even if she doesn't know he's there.

People are allowed to leave tools out in their own garden whilst they work on the house. Sheesh.

OP you need to get round there, get them off the bloody phone if they are on it, and tell them straight. They need to supervise their child.

Otherwise you might have to make a social services call.

OP not at all suggesting you're making yr pregnancy up, absolute respect to you for dealing with all this while ready to pop! Best of luck with the neighbour convo, honestly I don't think it will be as awkward as you think!

So far they've never seemed to notice he's gone

This really concerns me.

People are allowed to leave tools out in their own garden whilst they work on the house. Sheesh.

Of course they are, I'm not saying they aren't. But if a visitor, invited or not, injures themselves on those tools then the owner of that house is liable.

I understand you are trying to be nice but planning to allow this child with ASN free reign to use your garden after it is made safe, may not be the best idea. You may not be be able to get rid of him; your son may no longer want him around; you may want to use the garden in peace( or your son to play alone or with friends) and he may not understand when you don't want him there. I wouldn't encourage this.

See the point on the mixed messages. We'll be consistently taking him straight back from now on while the garden is unsafe.

It was the same in our last house, I always ended up with half of the street in the yard. I've always been glad of the social interaction for DS. I was paranoid about him growing up an entitled little so and so who was obviously an only child. Not going to be so much of an issue now he (almost) has a sibling. The difference here is we actually have a garden, and soon will have a playroom so we'll actually have room to have people over to play. I'm home all day but for errands and DS's groups, so it's not an issue having them over, and it keep DS entertained so I can get the chores done that keep me in view of the garden.

This sounds incredibly hard and you are doing what you think is best and trying to help. I feel for the parents but to be honest her being on the phone while he was out is a massive red flag to me.

If he is running around the street unsupervised and undressed I would consider it is a safeguarding issue and it is everyones responsibly to keep him safe.

No no no no. You're only in the house 5 mins, you have a baby due on Monday and you're basically saying "I don't mind if random kids wander into my house any time they fancy"??

Waaaaay too nice. If he hadn't SN would you have the same reaction? Tbh if I looked up and saw a 7 year old on an ancient shed roof I'd have a heart attack!

And I would not want my neighbours kids wandering into my kitchen. No way. They have their own kitchens.

You open this revolving door, you won't be able to close it. You have to nip this in the bud. If that means returning him 10 times a day immediately, then you have to do it.

I'm not sure tbh if the mother can stop him, she can't keep an eye on him every minute. So it may be up to you to just do brisk returns.

And try to put up some chicken wire on top of that shed! She's renting, she won't do it.

Today 16:11 IncrediblySturdyPyjamas

“And once again - it's the OPs responsibility if he injures himself when he is on her property regardless of whether he has been invited or not, and even if she doesn't know he's there.

People are allowed to leave tools out in their own garden whilst they work on the house. Sheesh.”

Yes people can leave tools out in their own garden. But quite apart from whether the OP could ever legally be held accountable, who in their right mind would even want to go through the possible legalities of whether the OP had ‘encouraged’ the boys behaviour or ‘facilitated’ it.

The harsh reality is that if the shit hits the fan and the boy gets hurt, people don’t react rationally. Even if legally the OP isn’t held responsible you can bet your life she’d be made to feel wracked with guilt and life would be very difficult continuing to live next door.

I’m also wondering like a PP if there’s a whole back story here. If the boy has been allowed to climb into the OPs garden then maybe the previous owners moved because of that.

You need to draw boundaries right now OP

We'll be consistently taking him straight back from now on while the garden is unsafe.

And continue to do so when it is safe.

You cannot have a SEN child climbing over an asbestos [or non asbestos] roof forever. You need to put an end to it.

And remember he's a cute 7 year old now, but eventually he's gonna be a massive 16 year old and if he has acute SN and is non verbal, he may still be climbing over the roof as a 6 footer.

nokidshere

No, this is not correct. I can have a pond in my garden and trees which are climbable. I can have steps without railings. I am not responsible if someone comes onto my property and drowns or falls out of a tree or off the steps.
I can leave my tools out too so long as not arranged as a booby trap.
Anti vandal paint, electric fences etc. have to be signed as it's not obvious what they are. Barbed wire doesn't have to be signed.

It really is a safeguarding child issue. Either NDN supervise him more, if after you've warned them that he keeps absconding unsupervised into your garden, as they are failing in basic duty of care to child.

You have to report it to CSD.

(Do either of you work for a professional related to NHS, social care, education, childcare, voluntary support field, police or legal field? As if you do, im not kidding that your jobs are at risk if you fail to report a child (or adult) safeguarding concern).

PeapodBurgundy Phone the NSPCC. Its not just a one off, and by now anyone sensible would have have locked the doors and fitted door alarms.

*profession

As some previous posters have said you need to set some boundaries with your neighbours. One of my favourite Brene Brown quotes is ‘Choose discomfort over resentment’ i.e choose a difficult conversation with your neighbour that sets some boundaries, otherwise resentment will build up over time. If you have boundaries in place now you will be able to maintain your kindness and compassion; without them you may not be able to be quite as compassionate as time goes on. Good luck OP x

Invite her round for tea and cake with her kids this weekend while your dh is up to his ears in powertools and sharp objects.

Tell her straight that you do not want her ds climbing into your garden, and you expect them to secure their garden to stop him doing it. It's not safe, you have enough to deal with and cannot supervise their son. They have to somehow stop him doing it. If you want to be nice offer your dh's help to make their garden less escapable.
Stress the fact that it's lovely to have the kids round to play, you don't want to exclude him, just to not have him coming into your garden unsupervised.

I would give them one chance only, drop a note through or send DH to talk to them.

If you find him in your (unsafe) garden unsupervised & uninvited again, (without them running around frantically ringing on
you doorbell looking for him which at least is something) you have a duty to report it to CSD.

I agree with the nip it in the bud and very firm boundaries. If he gets used to your house he could be in and out all day... disturbingly nap time, interrupting ds playtime with invited friends etc. You’ll end up looking after him a lot, because ndn isn’t coming looking for him, she’s happy with the break. Unfortunately giving an inch means taking a mile a lot of the time. make sure any time at your house is your choice

You sound really thoughtful and kind. However like others I am concerned that this boy is being neglected by his parents to an extent that could warrant an intervention by the authorities. In particular, the running around outside unsupervised in only an incontinence pad shocked me. I understand his parents are in a very tough situation and I have great sympathy for parents dealing with severe special needs, but this is worrying.

If he is running around the street unsupervised and undressed I would consider it is a safeguarding issue and it is everyones responsibly to keep him safe.
PP is correct. Legislation is set up that way. Any professional even slightly related to a care, health, legal or education /childcare field, has a duty to act upon it at cost of their professional registration and /or job if not. And general public have a general responsibility. Legislation was set up that way for a reason so people don't think 'well it's outside work or none of my business'

With his SEN he might find complicated rules difficult to comprehend. For his own benefit you might need a much clearer rule like "You are not allowed in this garden at all" or, depending on his abilities "you are only allowed in this garden with your mother / an adult".

You worry about how you will be perceived. What about all your other neighbours who look out and see you seeming to let a small child play on a shed and play in a a garden full of tools. Do you think they'll want their children popping round to play at yours? I'd have a red flag on you myself and would be loathe to let my children over to yours. Unfair maybe but most people will err on the side of caution when it comes to new people and their children. So, keep that in mind when agonising about your reputation.

I am a parent of a child with low functioning asd. You need to take the child back whenever he appears in your garden and tell his mother he is only allowed in when invited. His mother should be keeping a closer eye on him. If this doesn't work then I don't think speaking to social services is unreasonable. He needs to be safe.

This is a safeguarding issue. The mother of the child needs to be more responsible.

I have children with ASD. My 5year old is a runner and a climber. He is locked in the house (doors and windows, with keys on my person) unless an adult is outside supervising him. I can't imagine letting him have free roam out of doors whilst I'm on the phone. And he is high functioning.

There have been lots of times where he has 'run off' whilst being supervised, but fortunately he is relatively quickly retrieved. Before we locked the windows, we thankfully had a neighbour come and tell us he was climbing out an upstairs window. But once we knew that was an issue we've made sure it hasn't happened since.

Our neighbours are great with him (and often invite him over), it's so lovely having nice neighbours that help look out for him. But ultimately I recognise his safety my responsibility.