Delicate situation

[PeapodBurgundy]

Not sure how to play this one at all, so I thought I'd ask here for want of somewhere else.

We've recently moved house (FINALLY got the keys about 3 weeks ago, moved in last week once it was fit-ish to live in). The people next door are lovely, and I think we're going to get along well. They also have children one of whom is slightly older than our son, so lots of potential for them to play together etc.

The issue I'm facing at the moment, is they have an older son (I think they said he's 7) who has low functioning ASD. He's a climber, escapes often. He ends up in our garden several times a day, which as a rule I don't mind in the slightest, (he and his younger sister have already been over a few times to play in the garden with our son when OH is at work and I'm out there to keep an eye that they're playing on the lawn where it's safe not on the patio where it isn't) but we're currently renovating the house, so there are often things which are unsafe in the back garden (think work horses which he's been found sitting on, circular saws, chisels etc). These are all put away between uses so our own son can play in the garden, but there are times where the tools etc are out in the garden and OH is in the house fitting whichever thing he's just made/cut etc. It's impractical to lock away the tools every time he comes back into the house as he's building a kitchen from scratch, so there are lots of ins and outs to make adjustments, it would make the job take months. We keep the gate shut, but he's coming in over the shed roof (one giant building split between both houses, I assume the old coal shed and outhouse so not something we can move). We have no problem with him being there when OH is out to keep an eye, and once the garden is set up properly with the toys etc once the renovations are done he's welcome to come and go as he pleases, it's not a territorial thing, I'm just petrified he's going to hurt himself, as he has no fear or sense of danger as far as I can see.
The first few times it happened I just took him back to his own garden, but when it kept happening, I started giving the back door a quick knock to let them know I'd brought him out of our garden because there are tools etc lying about. It hasn't stopped him coming over (he's non-verbal and I don't know him well enough to know how much of what I say to him he's able to understand). At the moment there are a load of MASSIVE wooden boards under a tarp for the kitchen, and some big items waiting for the council to collect to scrap piled up on the patio, with nowhere else to go, if they fell on him they could seriously hurt him. I've just tried to tie them to the wall of the house, but they're still not secure enough I'd be confident a child could play safely near them.
I feel I need to speak with his Mam about my concerns, but I don't want to offend or upset her. She has a lot on her plate (home alone most of the day with him and two others), I don't want it to come across as critical or judgey, or a 'get orf my laand' attitude, because that's not the case, but the comments about the garden not being safe at the moment don't seem to be registering. I need her to try something different to keep him out of the garden just in the short term as I can't be out there all of the time watching her son; we have baby number 2 due on Monday, so I'm up to my neck trying to get as much of the house sorted as I can before we're working around a toddler AND a newborn.

Any tips on how to handle things without causing a rift will be gratefully received (or if there's something obvious I haven't thought about regarding making the garden safe/secure that would be welcomed too). Sorry for the War and Peace effort!!

Honestly OP, at this point I would have called social services or even asked the police to pop over for a welfare check as something is not right. If she was coming in after him every time then I wouldn't, but she's not even noticing. She needs help.

But I work from home, so it would be interrupting my work every time he did it and I would lose my temper.

You need to stop seeing this as a neighbouely issue and see it for what it is - a very dangerous situation for the child. He's running around out the front, he's in your garden, he's not always properly dressed... And she doesn't even notice he's missing. Just imagine what could happen to him. This is not about you being a nice neighbour to her, it's about ensuring a child is safe. I'd incite her over for a coffee and really tell her what I'm thinking and just how dangerous it is. If it happened again and she wasn't there straight away then I'd be escalating it.

You need to set boundaries now! You will be doing work on your house and its invading your privacy. I would speak to the parents and make it clear that no children are allowed in your garden without their (parents) and your knowledge and agreement and through the front door/garden gate. It is too dangerous to do nothing.

As said, I don't currently work, but did work in a professional capacity before I had DS. OH works in a non-professional role in a private hospital, so we could both have career issues if something were to happen and things kick off as a result. I really don't feel able to put a safeguarding report in with so little information. All I know is he's regularly outside. I don't know anything about the circumstances surrounding that. It happens to a lot of us. DS got out of the front doors at a party venue a couple of weeks ago. Thankfully I was only strapping a friend's baby into the pram so he wasn't further than the steps outside the doors, but it can happen so easily.
I'm not in the slightest worried about my reputation, I'm worried about sour relationships with the neighbours when I'm only trying to help. And to whoever said I was letting a child play on an asbestos roof/tool filled garden, no I'm not! I take him home as soon as I know he's doing either of those things, but I can't be in the garden the entire time on the off chance he escapes.

This is not a singular example of a child getting away from their parents momentarily, though, is it?

@PeapodBurgundy

Read back your last sentence.

It is not your job to be in the garden all the time incase he comes over. It is his parents jobs to lock their doors or stay with him during outdoor play so they can't stop him.

This is not a one-off. This is not an example of a kid taking a chance to run when their mum goes to the bathroom or something. This is happening over and over and his mum has taken no steps to prevent it. She still doesn't notice!!

Do you not see how dangerous that is? If you are something then say something. You need to say something.

What a caring and thoughtful thread.

No words of advice other than what has already been posted.

Actually this thread is heartwarming. If i had a child climbing into my garden I might be a bit (well in all honesty I would be a bit) grumpy

Well done OP.

*can stop him

*see something

Excuse the typos; but that shows you are frustrated I am about this and your response to a child being actively in danger every day.

Its going to get really tiresome in a few weeks if you are all constantly on watch for this kid.

That's very true Penggwn. I really feel so torn. I don't want to cause more issues for her when she's obviously already got more on her plate than she can cope with effectively. Just because SS become involved, doesn't necessarily mean she'll receive support, it could just heap a load more stress on top of what she already has and make things worse.

Another to say you’re being too nice OP. Giving this child the freedom to come into your garden whenever he wants isn’t a good idea; you may well end up with him all day, every day - the fact that your neighbours know where your husband works is relevant too. Much better to say no to begin with and maybe relax the rules than to try to enforce a no later down the line. Your neighbours need to secure their garden to keep their son safe.

The 7y/o is only going to get bigger, heavier, stronger. The shed roof is only going to get weaker. This is an entirely predictable accident waiting to happen. Quite aside from the saws etc lying about in your back garden, & the risk of him absconding & being found by someone less sympathetic, running into the road etc. If the parents are unable or unwilling to deal with the issue, could you or your DH discreetly let the relevant parties know that the family require additional support - as they are obviously struggling.

In the nicest way possible it's not your responsibility and she could blame you if he gets hurt. She isn't looking after her son properly and its not your job to. I would have rang social services by now. Imagine when you have your baby you have a child running through your house who isn't even yours

I am afraid this kind of thing ends up being too much of a burden, lovely though you seem. I think it was mmy mother who rightly said sometimes if you let these things happen people end up taking it for granted. Eg if later you want more privacy in the garden it can be hard to back track later once precedents are set.

I would have another word with the mother. The shed does not sound safe. May be tell her your insurance company has said as there is asbestous up there you will be putting barbed wire over the roof and fences and whilst you might be happy to see their son if she calls first once the works are over in the garden perhaps next summer he unfortunately will not be allowed in for now (then take physical steps like the barbed wire to keep him out). (I can promise you he will not climb over barbed wire across the roof so it will work).

You sounds a like a really great neighbour BUT you must set boundaries now before your baby arrives. Even when there is nothing dangerous in the garden after your renovations it’s just not on for you to be up and down returning the lad to next door when you’re feeding and caring for a new born and your son.
And what if he scales the next boundary fence - it all sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Good luck OP.

To be honest you shouldn’t be getting into the habit of taking him home. What will happen when you have the baby - will you be able to or even want to keep doing this with a newborn? Dressing up the baby and taking them with you ?
Get her phone number and call her or get your dh to.
What if he lets himself into the house when you are napping ?

I’m not sure you should be so keen on having him over to play without a parent - if he’s non verbal how can you be sure he can understand or communicate with you and your children and will you be able to supervise safe play with a newborn.

If he’s non verbal how will you know he will understand what’s safe to touch/play with even before you factor power tools or other things into the mix.

I really think you are downplaying the seriousness of this issue.

I agree it’s a safeguarding issue if he’s getting out of his house not dressed.

You’re making a rod for your own back. It is up to the neighbour to supervise and ensure her child doesn’t access your garden. Don’t say you don’t mind. When he’s 15 and potentially a pita, you’ll mind. You’ll mind when you can’t leave the baby in the garden because a child is climbing over and may accidentally knock over/harm your baby. This child should not be accessing your garden. Your child can socialise with children at school but his friends may not want to come round if a 7 with SEND is constant.y accessing your garden. It needs to be stopped.

Going to go through the thread with OH when he gets in this evening. Hopefully him popping over for a word will sink in. I might see if he'll fish to see if they get any support for him outside of whichever school/education setting he attends (assuming he goes to one). If it doesn't have any effect I'd be more inclined to flag up with a school/unit etc if there is one than directly with SS, as they'll be able to more organically orchestrate a conversation about how things are at home and signpost to help on a more low key level.
I don't know, but I'd not be surprised if he attends the nearest primary. It's mainstream, but has a large proportion of SEN and disabled students, and has a partnership with the specialist unit in this LA so children can split their school day to suit their needs (one of the main reasons we chose this house to be honest).

Regardless of this child’s SEN what type of person allows their child to escape regularly throughout the day?

I’d bet my life she knows he is gone because I’d soon know if one of my children vanished from the house!

Basically she doesn’t mind him escaping because if she did she would put locks on all of the doors

I strongly suspect she will not respond as you hope op

If your neighbours are renting, you don't have to worry about being overly nice. Renters are more likely to keep themselves to themselves and move on. The priority is the child's safety and keeping yourself free from liability.

They have to respect your family's need for privacy and your dcs' need for safety. Pretty soon, you will want to leave your dcs in the garden unsupervised while you are in the house. Can you imagine if a 13 year old boy comes over the shed and joins them unannounced and can't/won't take no for an answer?

Frankly, why have a house with a garden with young children if someone is going to keep trespassing into it. You are entitled as a homeowner to privacy and security.

Start as you intend to go on and draw firm neighbourly boundaries.

The fact that your neighbour hasn't made any attempt to contact you or control her ds' behaviour means that she is quite happy for your free playground and babysitting. She does not particularly care for her son's safety but I will bet you if her son gets hurt in your garden, she will not hold back in blaming you and holding you liable.

The profile of a parent who won't blame you (as other posters on this thread) is one who has already engaged with you about the safety of her son. Hers is the profile of the parent who is the exact opposite.

This is really worrying. You need to make sure she is fully aware every time.

What will happen if you see him doing something dangerous and you have a baby in your arms and a curious toddler... Just no. Nightmare.

I was paranoid about him growing up an entitled little so and so who was obviously an only child. Not going to be so much of an issue now he (almost) has a sibling

As a parent of a child who is non verbal asd and also an escape artist, I'm absolutely horrified. I don't like calling parents out but this mum needs to be told, she is not looking after her child! My house and garden are like Fort Knox because my boy has no awareness of anything and will escape at a drop of a hat. It's only happened twice and only because of a builder leaving my front door unlocked.

Right you need to have a talk to this mum, be stern and tell her this is not good enough she needs to secure her home and garden from her son escaping. He is going to get hurt.

applespearsbears for context on that one, I have a cousin who is an only child. She was spoiled, indulged and foul. She was asked to leave two private day nurseries because she was unable to interact with the other children appropriately. My Auntie had an excuse for everything, she never did anything wrong, and was never pulled up on anything. She ruined more family gatherings than I care to think about, but my Auntie just didn't see it. She once gave this big monologue with tears in her eyes over how she thought said cousin was genuinely perfect in every way. It's made me massively paranoid that I was going to be the same with DS and not know it.

OH works in a non-professional role in a private hospital, so we could both have career issues if something were to happen and things kick off as a result.

What, like a child falling through an asbestos roof onto power tools and you hadn't actually ever told the mother what was going on?

Yeah, you bet!