Badly behaved children of friends

[Passy123]

Hi all!

This is my first time posting! I have a 2 year old son who is brilliant some of the time, like dealing with a drunk sailor sometimes and down right horrendous occasionally! So I’m not saying he’s perfect and I’m the perfect parent BUT.....
We had a friend of a friend come over the other day and her daughter is 6, the mum came with a packed lunch which I weren’t expecting, I’d bought lunch for us and the kids, that’s fine obviously but she gave said 6 year old a pack of a chicken and mayo sandwich which was messy and then a pack of wotsits, all of which she didn’t ask her to sit at the table where I’d hinted that, that’s where we eat at our house, then she ran around the house spreading the dreaded wotsit hand prints everywhere!!!! Our staircase wall looked like she’d touched every single surface she could! Because I’m not “friendly” enough with the mum I felt awkward in assisting but had given the girl a baby wipe and hinted! My other half is a clean freak so I spent an hour cleaning the wall the best I could but he noticed straight away! And now says she’s banned from the house, we are having a dinner at ours in a couple of weeks with this child, her mum and dad, plus another couple but my partner wants to cancel it because he hates the fact that we keep the house clean and we had to clean all the sofa cushions, it was a nightmare tbh! Please tell me if I’m mad, or if we are right to feel tense to have her over again???

Fully expecting horrible comments btw

I think it was rude of the mum to let her wander round the house with food. Bringing separate food for a kid older than baby age is not the norm amongst people I know so I would notice but ultimately that doesn't really affect you.
We have food and snacks at the table. The kids are used to it so no barking required 😁. The house is a bit of a tip with toys and clutter everywhere and a toddler who daily empties the kitchen cupboards but it isn't dirty. I also think it's more social to eat together at the table. When the kids are in bed me and dh often watch TV with drinks and snacks and I guess they will be allowed to do that too when they're old enough to sit still and not wipe sticky fingers everywhere.

OP appears to have done a runner...

You need to grow a spine. All that hinting falls on deaf ears of people who don't care about your home and property. I wouldn't want them back to mine, tbh but I also wouldn't just hint that you don't want people eating all over your house.

Your DP sounds a real laugh .

I'd get rid of him, personally and have a large party complete with multipacks of Wotsits.

I think the Op, is still cleaning, as her Dh has found a new & all consuming love for wotsits, he is currently running around the house on an orange high, smearing puffy wheat stains wherever he goes.

The only time DH has 'banned' children from our house they had (on Xmas day):

Opened every jigsaw gift to my DDs - several as they loved them. All jigsaws had to be thrown away as multiple pieces were missing.

Stood on the back of my leather sofas despite being told by me not to. Literally as soon as I turned my back they would do it again. Eventually ripped the zip so badly I had to superglue it.

Broke several ornamental gifts, torn dolls clothing, headless doll at one point (fixed but forever weakened and soon thrown away).

Refused to sit for dinner, made to sit for dinner (the mother piping up that I really had spoken to them overly firmly). Ran off as and when they wanted.

Towards the end of the day, when I hadn't checked on them for half an hour as we'd been clearing up after dinner, DD1 (then 6) came into the room in tears and said 'I can't stop them.' We knew it was going to be epic.

The 2 of them had thrown all of the contents of a reception room into DD2's bedroom. DVDs and CDs scratched as they'd been taken out of boxes, the paper inserts ripped, CD cases pulled apart and mostly broken; Books (!) thrown with pages folded and ripped. My ornaments chucked in and some chipped. They'd opened cupboards and taken the contents out to do this including the one with crystals and bits that I sell. Have you ever picked up £1000 of tumbled crystal gemstones and checked them over for damage? It was all mangled in with many balls of yarn from my hidden wool stash.

Their mother was ready to take them home and even her eyes widened at the 12+ inch depth of detritus in DD2's room. Not kidding. It was a foot between the top of our possessions and the carpet over a double bedroom sized room. I plastered on a smile must have been a tad manic and assured her it was nothing and ushered out of the house. Shut the door when DH made his announcement that they were never to return.

No fear of that. Apparently the next day the 'friend' called a mutual friend whinging that she'd been lonely and no one had seen her all holiday. Her kids then took that friend's house to pieces on Boxing Day.

If you're still reading OP... I think a few wotsit hand prints after non-direct instructions is a learning curve on setting boundaries for guests. If your DH really thinks this is a problem I can get him in touch with a potential new friend (she needs them) with kids that will show him what ban-able kids look like.

Think you need a Labrador. One, they'll lick up any wotsit marks or crumbs on the carpet, two, the mobile lunch would very much be in their reach - problem solved. And a very good reason to insist kids eat at the table...

Is your DH ok?

When friends with kids come round for lunch we do picnics in the garden if we can or if not I just accept it because kids are messy! But my friends would tell their kids not to spread stuff up walls

You and your DH are both being completely ridiculous OP.
From what you've said so far, the child wasn't badly behaved at all. She is simply behaving in a way that is normal within her family.
You had different expectations to your visitor and You Failed to communicate clearly those expectations.
There isn't one absolute rule for behaviour and everyone else is doing it wrong.
Hinting is childish and passive aggressive nonsense.
Either act like an adult and set out your house rules. Explain that in your house children are expected sit at the table whilst eating and not to wander around with food etc.
Or learn to accept the consequences with good grace.

NCasIknowMNetters

Oh. My. God.

I try to avoid other people's children in my house unless they're bombproof! I had to learn the hard way as well. Meet people out whenever possible, and if unavoidable serve dry white food only 😉 hadn't thought about getting a dog though!

It takes a few bad playdates before you confidently start parenting telling off other people's kids in front of their slovenly parents.

I wouldn't like so embody else's a child running around my house with a packet of wotsits either! Our 3 yr old dg is now living with her dad and she has been left to do what she likes at meal times. When she visits, we try our best to keep her in the kitchen at least, when she is eating. Dont always manage it (early days!) but we're getting there. So I wouldn't let someone's 6 Yr old to run riot especially if their mum is present to get the child not to.

I think I would have politely and friendly said something. If the parent can’t tell her I would have taken it upon myself since it’s your house your rules.

I agree with you OP. It is so rude to go to someone else’s house and make a mess and then not even offer to clean it up.

What some people are missing is that it doesn’t matter what you do in your own home. As a guest of a friend you should not let your child behave like this. Getting toys out and having fun is one thing. Smearing food on the walls is disgusting. Any 6 year old should know that you don’t go to someone’s house and do this.

Oh my. Sure wish my life was simple & i only had wotsit & chicken stains to clean up.

I treat any kids in my house like my own. That includes praising them when they have done something great, checking they’re on and giving them a quick hug if they’ve hurt themselves, as well as giving explicit instructions as to what I expect them to do in certain circumstances AND reprimanding them if they are naughty.

I would never overrule a parent If they, say, disallowed chocolate or fizzy drinks, but I certainly WOULD overrule them if they told their kids they were allowed to put their wotist hands everywhere or climb over furniture. If they didn’t like that then I would have no qualms in saying “I think it’s time to go now, X needs a nap/we need to go out” or whatever.

OP, you should have laid down your rules.

That would not have happened in our house, because I would have told the girl to sit at the table to eat her lunch, then clean herself before leaving the table. If the mum would not have liked that, then she would have been free to leave. Your house, your rules.

We had something similar happen on one of the first play dates I arranged at home. Girls were friends from nursery and almost two. They played ok and I made DD sit down for a snack but the other Mum didn’t for her child (both girls used to sitting down for all snacks and meals at nursery as choking hazard). I did a non-messy snack so not too bad. Then they just didn’t go, despite it being a morning play date so in the end I made lunch for all of us. We sat round table. Other child then threw most of hers on the floor, whilst her mother laughed. They were toddlers but mine had already been taught that throwing food is unacceptable and even if the other child hadn’t been taught that the mother made no attempt to stop her. The other child then got down from table and went off to living room (we only allow food in kitchen or dining room in our house as easier to clean), followed by her Mum who then said ‘she didn’t have any lunch so she’ll need some snacks’ and then produced a gigantic bag of various toddler snacks, all of which were the type that have crumbs that go everywhere. I did say we don’t eat in the living room, but this was ignored and the child then ran around spraying crumbs all over everything, munching her way through about five snacks. And still they didn’t go. I eventually got rid of them at 2.30 when I said I really needed to get DD down for a nap. It then took about an hour to clear up the mess.

I’ve since learnt that the Mum constantly complains about how the child doesn’t eat meals (she eats everything at nursery) but she hasn’t put two and two together with the gigantic snack bag produced straight after every meal she hadn’t eaten. She doesn’t seem to have any boundaries so the other child is behaving worse and worse and the Mum doesn’t seem to like being on her own with her (hence staying for ages longer). I’ve managed the situation since by avoiding having them in the house, so we meet somewhere else for a play date and have a picnic etc. That also means that I can choose when to leave rather than waiting for her to go. It’s a difficult one as, although I stood up to her about where the food was eaten, this was ignored and I couldn’t think of a polite way to say ‘you need to go now’! She did the same thing recently at a charity event that was 10-12 in the morning. Still there at 1.30 despite people clearing up around her (she didn’t offer to help!).

I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s just some people. I’ve had other play dates since with other people and not had any of these problems.

I'd be mortified if my child ran around making a mess in someone else house!
It's not about your husband being a clean freak or uptight according to some posters, it's about the lack of respect for your property shown by your friend, she should have made her child sit down

My mum was such a clean freak my memories are of us having to sit legs crossed hands under bum no eating all day until guests had been and gone. Now my house is mad but it's not dirty i just clean afterwards

Everyone has different standards of cleanliness, but your house your rules. It’s no good hinting, you should have firmly said Sit down at the table or no food.

Your DH does sound controlling. I feel sorry for your own DC if he’s so uptight and strict. I know others like that and they’re not happy people.

Mes Whirly
when people speak to the child so to make a point to the adult it is the most annoying thing ever
actually makes you sound silly

I don't think sitting down to eat a meal either on the floor, in a tent or at a table etc unreasonable and if my sons friends got up to walk and play whilst eating I used to I insist they sat down to finish or await the others to finish. Basic manners. My son's are now in their 20s and won't abide their friends being loud, rude and lairy at a meal table! Just friendly. Is that so bad? Some consider it trendy to permit their kids to devise the rules. Which is a recipe for disaster.

Your house, your rules. YANU to expect the parent to make an effort to control her child’s behaviour in your house. A friend of mine once allowed her two children to pull wallpaper off the walls in my house. They were never invited back. I would cancel because you won’t enjoy it"