Badly behaved children of friends

[Passy123]

Hi all!

This is my first time posting! I have a 2 year old son who is brilliant some of the time, like dealing with a drunk sailor sometimes and down right horrendous occasionally! So I’m not saying he’s perfect and I’m the perfect parent BUT.....
We had a friend of a friend come over the other day and her daughter is 6, the mum came with a packed lunch which I weren’t expecting, I’d bought lunch for us and the kids, that’s fine obviously but she gave said 6 year old a pack of a chicken and mayo sandwich which was messy and then a pack of wotsits, all of which she didn’t ask her to sit at the table where I’d hinted that, that’s where we eat at our house, then she ran around the house spreading the dreaded wotsit hand prints everywhere!!!! Our staircase wall looked like she’d touched every single surface she could! Because I’m not “friendly” enough with the mum I felt awkward in assisting but had given the girl a baby wipe and hinted! My other half is a clean freak so I spent an hour cleaning the wall the best I could but he noticed straight away! And now says she’s banned from the house, we are having a dinner at ours in a couple of weeks with this child, her mum and dad, plus another couple but my partner wants to cancel it because he hates the fact that we keep the house clean and we had to clean all the sofa cushions, it was a nightmare tbh! Please tell me if I’m mad, or if we are right to feel tense to have her over again???

Fully expecting horrible comments btw

"In the house, you sit at the table to eat, so food doesn't get dropped everywhere" ... "Now wash your hands, so you don't mark our walls"

Job done.

She's 6, not a toddler. But I'd say same to toddler. It's your house fgs. A 6 year old attends school and is used to having to sit at table to eat there, even if her parents are 'free for all with food' at home. (Which is their choice but not in your house)

Get a picnic blanket out if dry if you have a gaggle of children visitors, to eat out in the garden (supervised). But we do separate sittings for lunch, DCs first then adults, so everyone can fit at table.

Autocorrect "in THIS house.." I meant

My house my rules, so other kids obey them. Most kids will do what they are asked, even if it isn’t their normal. So meals at the table, asking to leave the table, washing hands before and after meals. No one has ever said no or interferes with the rules, same as if I am in someone else’s house my children follow their rules.

Eating crisps away from the table is not seen as bad manners in all households

Yanbu about your friend - some people I've met can't seem to control their kids at all. In fact, the (rather grisly) horror film "The Children" was inspired by a lunch the writer had with friends with young children - who couldn't control them at all

However, I think your DH is BU too. He's a clean freak - but is he actually prepared to stop his dc having friends around because he likes a show home? Your poor DC.

Incidentally, I find a general air of 'schoolteacher' and herding unruly children over to the table (or whatever) works well - "Ok, let's have everybody over to the table with their food please!" in a sing song voice - or failing that just pick up the food and put it on the table yourself, and say "No, we eat at the table here".

My mum is a clean freak. It's really boring. Live a little. Your husband is going to have to loosen up with a toddler in the house..

You may have the issue

1 can't tell a child to sit st the table in your home - just do it

2 husband is a clean freak - seems to set rules up about friendships over tidiness potentials - sounds controlling and unreasonable, perhaps the reason why you couldn't take control of the situation in your house - maybe because you're not allowed to by your husband?

Pure speculation on my part but doesn't sound good on the face of it

I do feel for you. I think it's pretty standard for many people not to let children eat anywhere than in the kitchen, garden (or in the bath on our case - cut oranges for desert make less mess there, in my experience haha)!

I'd tell the mother. Nicely. But clearly.
Tbh I'd speak to her on phone and as what you can make so that she doesn't need to bring any food with her. Say you felt bad that she did. Insist.

Then set it out on the kitchen table.

Close the door to all rooms you don't want food in / to the kitchen door.

And buy something called a Magic Eraser. Quite literally magical!

Will remove marks from walls in a flash. Just make slightly damp and wipe gently with a clean towel to dry. JML Doktor Power Magic Eraser https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007RDEP3Q/ref=cmswwrsmsscapii_xX8DBb8627QTT
Most brands make them (eg Flash).
Saw them in Sainsbury's once too.

Not the child's fault. It's what she's learned / not learned form her parent(s) - or she may have SEN - in which case her Mum may be picking her battles and working v hard to get through the day.

My DSS has just left home to live in a flat because his mother is obsessionally tidy. Your DH sounds the same. I would allow sandwiches ,on a plate, away from the table but all "proper " meals are served at the table. It gives us chance to chat. I am no domestic goddess but I don't allow food upstairs.

Why didn't you just tell the child to sit at the table?

Your DH sounds controlling and you are going to have your work cut out as your own child grows.

A good balance would be somewhere in the middle!

You need to develop some assertiveness and know it's ok to have rules in your house.

Partner needs to accept children come with mess. As do adults to some extent as anything touched ever will receive dirt transfer.

Friend of friend needs to have expectations that her DD will have manners around others and sit at a table for lunch. She shouldn't need to be asked Tbh / especially at someone else's house!

I would text the friend and say something like "sorry I didn't have the confidence to say something at the time. However we sit at the table to eat here and we expect your dd to do this when you visit on x date. We spent a long time removing wotsits from paintwork after your last visit and I'm sure you understand I don't fancy doing it again!"

Then really is the mother's choice whether she wants to enforce these rules for her 6yo or not. And she knows her choice will affect whether she remains invited or not.

Oh dear, I would have been annoyed at marking the wall and cushions too. But I think you just have to accept some parents don't take hints or see mess!

When I have friends with small children over I expect some degree of mess (sticky finger marks, crumbs on the floor, cake trodden into the carpet etc). But then we have an easy house to clean- the sofas are leather so wipe clean, rugs are erm dark and patterned so don't show marks, all throws and cushions are machine washable. I keep wetwipes on the coffee table and a handheld Hoover nearby. If a child had a sticky face or hands and was touching things, I'd tell them to wash or wipe them myself if too young to do it independently.

My own preschooler frequently makes a mess with paint/food/playdough/crayons so I've relaxed my standards!

Lethaldrizzle

I ate a bag of wotsits on the sofa last night

Good lord ..... what happened? Did the world end?

We have a rebel folks!!!

If my DH has an issue with food crumbs or wall marks, I'd hand him the cloth and tell him to clean it up.

Big fuss over nothing - child eats crisps, wow.

There are better things to spend an hour doing.

I am also struggling with the idea that you spent an hour cleaning up wotsit dust and your partner still noticed enough of it to cause some sort of meltdown.

Apart from the food thing did the kids have a nice time playing? Did you have a nice time with the mum? Would you lie to socialise with them again? If i cut out all of my friends for stuff like this i would have a lot less friends.

My sister has a gorgeous house and her and her husband are really strict with her own children about only eating when sitting and the table. And I completely respect that and ensure at her house my kids sit down and o constantly clean after them there. However in my house she turns up for a quick pop in for 10 mins, and regularly brings our croissants that she has just bought and let's her kids (one is a toddler) eat them in the living room, spreading croissant mess everywhere. Or her other favourite (aside from the dreaded rice cakes ) is the smoothie pouches, which get left and trodden on and generally make a mess.

I have stopped being polite and now told her children, if you want to eat go to the garden or sit at the table as obviously my sister has no respect for my house

Sorry but you sound very uptight and it might be coming from your DH?

The mum probably brought her daughter’s lunch because the child is fussy, not to insult your choice. Wait till you have a fussy eater and you will cringe at your thread.

Some families do not eat at the table, we don’t, you should have asked the child to sit at the table. The more play dates you have the more you’ll see that other people do things differently.

My DD is an extremely clean and tidy child, my DS is a whirlwind of filth and destruction, you can’t control all children. Spending an hour cleaning a wall sounds excessive.

And now we get to your husband and his pronouncements banning children for eating whatsits. My DM was exactly like that during the whole of my childhood. I grew up under a cloud of worry that something would be damaged or dirtied in what was a very child unfriendly house. She had fits over normal accidents, e.g. she screamed at me so much when a friend drew on my body with pens that took a while to wash off I concluded that having friends over to play was not worth it. If anyone did come over to our house I had to constantly run after them and police them, e.g. so that they didn’t touch the walls, dirty walls were a big thing with my mum, that other kids soon refused to visit.

Don’t head that way with your DC. It makes for a miserable childhood.

Yes, the mother should have insisted she sit down to eat and should have sent her to watch her hands afterwards but there is no way that a packet of Whotsits caused that much damage and I say that as someone who has been a parent for nearly 25 years.
I guess because you only have a two year old you aren't used to having other kids in the house but it's your house so it's up to you to enforce the rules. I'd have turned to the Mum and said "really sorry, but we only allow food at the table" and when you saw she hadn't washed her hands taken her to your sink and said "this is where we wash our hands. Can you reach everything? Good, you crack on then"
As for your husband. Serious, serious issues and he will find parenting harder and harder as your child grows up, either that or your poor child will be stifled.

Ignore most on here OP, having kids doesn’t mean you have to live in a shithole. Next time be more assertive. They are being rude letting them run around with wotsits, telling them to not do so isn’t

You need to say to the child” can you sit at the table to eAt” and” I’ll show you the bathroom so you can wash your hands”

I have kids that are allowed to run around with wotsits. I don't live in a 'shithole'. I live in a lovely house.

Hmmm

You should have nicely told the child to sit and eat at the table and wash their hands after. Dh overreacting

Mayo and Wotsits? A recipe for disaster. You could not pick a more messy combination for this story.