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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Badly behaved children of friends

172 replies

Passy123 · 17/08/2018 22:45

Hi all!

This is my first time posting! I have a 2 year old son who is brilliant some of the time, like dealing with a drunk sailor sometimes and down right horrendous occasionally! So I’m not saying he’s perfect and I’m the perfect parent BUT.....
We had a friend of a friend come over the other day and her daughter is 6, the mum came with a packed lunch which I weren’t expecting, I’d bought lunch for us and the kids, that’s fine obviously but she gave said 6 year old a pack of a chicken and mayo sandwich which was messy and then a pack of wotsits, all of which she didn’t ask her to sit at the table where I’d hinted that, that’s where we eat at our house, then she ran around the house spreading the dreaded wotsit hand prints everywhere!!!! Our staircase wall looked like she’d touched every single surface she could! Because I’m not “friendly” enough with the mum I felt awkward in assisting but had given the girl a baby wipe and hinted! My other half is a clean freak so I spent an hour cleaning the wall the best I could but he noticed straight away! And now says she’s banned from the house, we are having a dinner at ours in a couple of weeks with this child, her mum and dad, plus another couple but my partner wants to cancel it because he hates the fact that we keep the house clean and we had to clean all the sofa cushions, it was a nightmare tbh! Please tell me if I’m mad, or if we are right to feel tense to have her over again???

Fully expecting horrible comments btw

OP posts:
nibblingandbiting · 17/08/2018 23:48

Children make a mess. I wonder what his reaction will be when glitter is introduced.
However, I also agree with him that they won't be back. Not because of the child but the feckless mother who sat and said nothing. I wouldn't want to try and enjoy a nice relaxing meal with people who let their children run wildly around.

Chalk this one up to experience. Next time you have a child in the house, don't hint. Be direct and say lets all sit at the table and have a nice lunch or whatever. If the parent/carer doesn't back you up then you know either avoid having them around during food times or the friendship isn't going to happen.

As for providing a chair to strap the other child in Grin any fucker who tried to strap my child down would soon realise the error of their ways.

MilkybarGrownup · 17/08/2018 23:51

Oh and I'm not a clean freak by any means at all. My cleaning is... occasional at best 😂
I do however stop my kids from walking food everywhere. And food is kept on plates not table tops and floors. The only time messy eating was expected was when they were toddlers in high chairs. From around 3 years or so they really shouldn't be making a huge mess when eating and hand washing happens before and after meals. They can work a tap so there's no reason bean sauce or whatever should be on a wall.

Flaskfan · 17/08/2018 23:51

Just tell her! Kids are used to being told what to do by adults.

Dd had a friend round the other day. Friend wanted to at with dd's toys, but not Dd (7).

"Friendofdd, when.you come to play with your friend, in your friend''s house, you play WITH your friend- you don't l leave them out. That's not being a friend and kind. Of not the point of coming round to play."

All delivered i..calm but firm tone, making eye contact.

Or, in the case of ds' friends: "you're having your tea in the garden." Won't be making the mistake of letting them take control of their own.salt and vinegar again though. 9 yr old boys+condiments. Who knew?

SleightOfMind · 17/08/2018 23:52

If your DH is a clean freak then he should be the one wiping handprints off the staircase.

If you don’t like children dropping food around the house then you can insist kindly and firmly that they eat at the table.

I have four DCs and am fairly slovenly.
Even I draw the line at them, their friends and the dogs eating food all over the house.

It’s NU to have your own rules in your own house. Just enforce them kindly without judgement.

Belindablinks · 17/08/2018 23:55

I had some friends come round who used the arms of our new fabric sofas to rest their food on. They had plates, but clearly decided that it was too much of a faff to place their oily pizza slices down on to those and preferred them closer to hand. I nearly had a fit. I'm not a clean freak but I have limits... Angry

PositiveVibez · 17/08/2018 23:58

If you didn't say anything at the time to the parent, or the child then it's your own fault.

I bet you feel like you live walking on egg shells trying to keep a show home so your husband doesn't ban your friends from your home.

What a miserable way to exist. Feel sorry for your toddler. I'm guessing no finger painting or glitter attached and crafts for them in case they get a finger print on the wall.

Buxtonstill · 17/08/2018 23:58

Totally sympathise with you OP, but think you will get a hard time from those on here who let their kids run around like this. Your son won’t be like this and you can have a nice home with children if you carry on the way you’re going. We were told as kids that we would eat our food sitting down, and that we would wash our hands afterwards. We had a fun filled ordinary childhood, and our home was nice and clean.

Domino20 · 17/08/2018 23:59

You are in for a world of pain if you think that's badly behaved😀😀😀

PositiveVibez · 18/08/2018 00:00

Adults placing oily pizza directly on the arm of the chair is a bit different to a 6yo putting their hand on something after they'd had a few wotsits.

Fanjango · 18/08/2018 00:01

Any chance the child has Sen? They may have limited food range and the ott behaviour could be indicative of that. Maybe they just were trying to make it easier on everyone and hadn't considered wotsits a deal breaker?

gandalf456 · 18/08/2018 00:02

I'm on the fence on this one. At 6, both of mine were impossibly fussy. At 9 ds still is but will bend a teeny bit. I think she'd brought lunch as she didn't want the inevitable refusing and tantrum. It is hard to understand if you don't have a child like that but they do grow out of it as did dd14.

Re the handprints, yes, I am with you. She should have followed with a cloth if she couldn't get her to sit down. Yhat shouldn't have been your job.

I think banned is too strong a word but it sounds slightly stressful so it wouldn't hurt to meet up elsewhere til the phase has passed which it will

Deshasafraisy · 18/08/2018 00:05

I’d ghost the parent.

Vinylsamso · 18/08/2018 00:09

Your either worlds slowest cleaner or worlds biggest exaggerator.

  1. Your husbands controlling? You should need to come here to seek advice on this. You should have been able to discuss it with him and there’s no reason he should have the last say.
  1. Do you realise you are living a life like Julia Roberts in sleeping with the enemy to have been furiously scrubbing it so not to upset him? I’d of left it so I could of said “look, you won’t believe what xxxx did today”
  1. It’s annoying when people’s kids don’t behave how you want them to, in normal circumstances I’d say you just put up with it or do the loud talking that’s really for the parents thing. However I feel there’s deeper issues here and you have some OCD and or control issues in your family.
TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/08/2018 00:10

Strangely enough Positive I have managed to raise 4 art and craft loving kids (2 of who have gone on to do art at uni) without any fingerprints on the walls.

Art was done at the kitchen table, hands washed afterwards, same as with meals. No walking on eggshells necessary at all.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/08/2018 00:11

I'm very firm with visiting children that we eat at the table in our house, because a) we actually do and b) our lab is a bit of a cliche and all tummy and it's not fair to put temptation in his way. But I tell people this,my don't expect them to intuit it.

That all said, I don't think one packet of whotsits could cause the carnage you describe. I think it's a good opportunity to educate you both that kids are messy and either have to be managed or mopped up after. Banning a family because a child didn't eat at the table is weird.

nibblingandbiting · 18/08/2018 00:15

Parents of children with sn do also encourage their kids to have good manners, not sit and say nothing to a child making a mess. At least that's my experience both personally and having friends with sn children.

Bond0O7 · 18/08/2018 00:17

I feel for you the childs mum should know better and should have offered to clean up after her child. My PILs tend to make mess around the house wearing shoes on in the house, bread crumbs, tea and coffee spills... I just told them to take their shoes off when entering my house and to clean up after themselves they aren pils not guests in my house so they should clean up after themselves in your case its a child but if mine did happen to make a mess I would do my best to clean up after my child

PositiveVibez · 18/08/2018 00:22

Strangely enough Positive I have managed to raise 4 art and craft loving kids (2 of who have gone on to do art at uni) without any fingerprints on the walls

Me too, but if some paint splashed on the floor after a friend's child had been playing and I'd cleaned it up then told my husband about it, strangely enough, he wouldn't ban the whole family from visiting the house ever again.

Vinylsamso · 18/08/2018 00:23

I’ve always found the obsession with eating at the table weird. What’s the worst that can happen?? Our families have always eaten all over the place. Sofa, bed, sitting on the stairs, wherever the mood takes you. I find it so uptight the whole terrified paranoia that things might get damaged or dirty. Same with the shoes off thing. I’d say I’m in the minority though. Forever hearing my friends barking at their kids to sit at the table just to eat a banana or something.

But then again all of my family walk around while cleaning our teeth! Who wants to be standing there bored at the sink when you could mooch around and see what someone else is up to or look in your wardrobe at the same time!?

Merryoldgoat · 18/08/2018 00:25

My only take-away from the OP is your partner sounds unbearable.

Merryoldgoat · 18/08/2018 00:27

Vinyl - I’m with you.

I have laminate floors, leather sofa and painted walls because I have children and want them to have a relaxed time when it comes to mess.

PositiveVibez · 18/08/2018 00:30

My only take-away from the OP is your partner sounds unbearable

Yep.

cookiesandchocolate · 18/08/2018 00:32

I would be inclined to say your cleaning skills aren't up to it if you spent an hour cleaning wotsit crumbs from a wall and your partner still noticed

Atalune · 18/08/2018 00:34

You just have to be clear-

Ok it’s lunchtime let’s sit down

Leave the crisps here if you’re leaving the table

We don’t go upstairs with food

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/08/2018 00:34

Vinyl I think it's a nice civilised thing for everyone to sit at the table and eat together rather than be off grazing and snacking randomly.

Also I am far to lazy to be cleaning up spills and mess from all over the house. My kitchen is nicely set up with a wipeable table and chairs, tile floor, kids can do their worst. I don't want to be having to change beds or clean carpets or upholstery because of food spills.