Badly behaved children of friends

[Passy123]

Hi all!

This is my first time posting! I have a 2 year old son who is brilliant some of the time, like dealing with a drunk sailor sometimes and down right horrendous occasionally! So I’m not saying he’s perfect and I’m the perfect parent BUT.....
We had a friend of a friend come over the other day and her daughter is 6, the mum came with a packed lunch which I weren’t expecting, I’d bought lunch for us and the kids, that’s fine obviously but she gave said 6 year old a pack of a chicken and mayo sandwich which was messy and then a pack of wotsits, all of which she didn’t ask her to sit at the table where I’d hinted that, that’s where we eat at our house, then she ran around the house spreading the dreaded wotsit hand prints everywhere!!!! Our staircase wall looked like she’d touched every single surface she could! Because I’m not “friendly” enough with the mum I felt awkward in assisting but had given the girl a baby wipe and hinted! My other half is a clean freak so I spent an hour cleaning the wall the best I could but he noticed straight away! And now says she’s banned from the house, we are having a dinner at ours in a couple of weeks with this child, her mum and dad, plus another couple but my partner wants to cancel it because he hates the fact that we keep the house clean and we had to clean all the sofa cushions, it was a nightmare tbh! Please tell me if I’m mad, or if we are right to feel tense to have her over again???

Fully expecting horrible comments btw

@TinklyLittleLaugh

We do eat most MEALS at the table but all other snacking we do where we want. I know people portray that eating at the table creates some kind of Walton’s esk family life but in reality it’s not what I see. I see a load of shouting and barking out rules are orders. “Sit down” “I’ve told you not to do that” “put it down” etc etc. Maybe not you but I see it a lot. Mums permanently furious because nobody is obeying their endless rules. Do I spend more time tidying up, washing cushions and wiping wotsits off the walls? Yes. But seriously, watching my friends trying to deal with kids coming home and getting the dinner on is painful. They can’t even have a conversation because they’re focus is on operate no mess and full control.

There is absolutely no point in trying to agree which is right and which is wrong though because whether we seek rules and order or freedom and a more relaxed approach seems to be so heavily entrenched in us it’s almost impossible to change. Me and my best friend are polar opposites in this but we are close enough to laugh about it and we both firmly believe the other is bat shit crazy. I think she’s a mini hitler who deliberately drives herself and kids mad with her compulsion to live how somebody was told her was the right way and she thinks I’m away with the fairies and my child will one day die of some terrible illness brought on by not using enough bleach.

The mother should have told the child not to spread whotsit handprints everywhere. The OP should have spoken up about sitting at the table to eat. I'm guessing but I would bet the freaky clean husband isn't the one who does the cleaning. It's easy to be freaky about cleaning when you're not the one doing it.

Don’t invite them back until you’ve learnt to speak up for yourself.

I’m not a clean freak, I’m actually quite messy, but I cannot abide sticky fingers.

Before having my own dc, I used to quietly seethe at the visitors who would let their sticky handed children wander around stroking the walls and sofas. Now I have a good reason to have a big pile of luxurious wipes and I just hand them out one to a child before they leave the table.

Vinyl the rule barking thing is pretty sad. It doesn't happen in our house (actually mine are mostly grown up now) but that's possibly because they were brainwashed since infancy

We occasionally eat Saturday night pizza in the sitting room; I'm not running a gulag.

I have kids that are allowed to run around with wotsits. I don't live in a 'shithole'. I live in a lovely house.

Your house gets regularly ORANGED?!
Wotsits are nuclear.

You must be a most excellent cleaner.

If you think that's badly behaved you'll have an education as your child grows up, with some of what you'll encounter. 😂

I'm amazed how many people or here that think that it's acceptable. I don't let my child walk around eating - he has to sit down (anywhere though) and gets down/gets up when he's finished. It's good manners and respectful and really isn't that difficult to instil. But I would have said something to the girl at the time - told her to wash her hands and why. People should respect the rules of other people's houses as they are guests.

I think you need to be a little more assertive. Of course it’s not acceptable for a child to run around your house eating messy food.
You have every right - indeed a responsibility (since children don’t understand hints) to say that in your house you sit down at a table when we are eating and don’t leave until everyone has finished. Children are quite capable of adapting to different rules in different situations.

But Zip if the girl wasn't told not to, she wasn't being badly behaved.

Why would you hint at a 6 year old. It’s your own fault - even if the mum was rude. There’s no way I’d allow my kids or anyone else’s to walk around the house eating any crisps let alone wotsits which make such a mess. Just say we only eat in the kitchen and repeat!!!

If you read the op it seems like the girl did sit somewhere to eat - just not at the table. She made the mess after because she has Wotsit crumbs on her hands.
I’m personally a ‘we all sit together and have a family dinner’ kind of person but even I think it’s overly formal to insist on a child sitting at the dining table alone to eat a prepacked sandwich and some crisps! Having said that if they are your rules then just say so! But don’t insist the mum is some kind of slattern because she doesn’t make her child sit down at the dining table to eat crisps!
We have a no eating upstairs rule in my house and children who are allowed snacks in their rooms often try to take them up. I just tell them my rule and it’s never been a problem.
Your oh sounds anal to the point of unhinged about mess op and it’s clearly causing you and likely your child some anxiety. That’s the issue here imo.
My children are older now and for context I’ve had children walk mud from the garden through my entire downstairs, accidentally continue a water fight into the house etc. They’re not badly behaved kids but kids playing is rarely mess free. Your oh would likely have a heart attack if he walked into my house after a play date.

My niece does this as she doesn't have to sit down in her own home, she's only 3 mind. I just sit her down at my house, and shut the kitchen door so she can't go wondering around the house until she is finished

I would freak at this, but I would have said something at the time to the kid. It’s too late now and will seem petty if you mention it, but when they do come over just make sure you wipe the kids hands yourself, ask her to sit at the table and don’t let her run about with food!

I’ve read a lot of the posts. People do have different standards but I agree with those that say you should have asserted yourself to manage the situation if you weren’t happy with it and then that should have prompted the other mum to jump in and support you. I just worry that you sound scared of your husband - as been there and done that. I’m concerned that you have an unhealthy relationship and he’s a control freak. That’s something only you know. I hope I’m wrong but that’s how it reads to me. That’s a much bigger issue that can be discussed on here. I wish you all the best and hope things can be resolved.

I personally wouldn’t have them back . Although it isn’t the child’s fault it’s the parents for not teaching her

Your house your rules

I personally wouldn’t have been afraid to tell the girl to sit down to eat

I would have gone and moved her food to the table

It’s your home, your rules

In was going to say YANBU when I read the title but once I read the post I wish the experience I had this weekend was just some wotsit fingers. Had dd’s friend and younger brother (6) for sleepover. He’d engage in activities for a short time then just get up and start walking round throwing things about, taking toys off the girls and throwing them across the room, all the toys with small parts have been trashed and spread everywhere, continuously went in to the kitchen to help himself, he finished his breakfast this morning after lots of snatching food then threw the plate across the living room like a frisbee knocking over a glass of water (that I’d returned to the table several times and explained that was the only plaice drinks were allowed) which then soaked my house phone and Alexa. I’m just grateful all my windows are intact if I’m honest 🙈

Why didn't you tell her to come and sit at the table??? It's your house and your rules.

I honestly can not understand people that don't teach their children basic manners and how to act in social situations.

A six year old is more than old enough to understand that you sit together to eat when you're a guest or when you're in a restaurant etc.

Oh and Wotsits get EVERYWHERE!

Your DP banned a 6-yr-old from the house . . . that's the most shocking part of your post imo.
As PPs have said, it's your house. You set the rules. It's a complete waste of time handing a 6-yr-old a wipe and expecting her to clean to an adult's standard. You should have said 'we eat at the table.' and wiped her hands before she left the table. Visitors will have different standards. You set the house rules in your house. But it sounds as though you let your DP set the rules and you simply follow them. You need to be more assertive all round.

Sorry.....are the children in charge in your house ?
Whether it's your own or guests ....you are supposed to make the rules ....not them.
You should have made the child sit at the table to eat and then wash her hands .
Good Lord.

Wow! An hour cleaning wotsit stains off a wall. That’s impressive 👀

I think you are right to want to keep your home clean and as you like to see it. Your home, your shout. When you're alone, practise saying aloud, 'Please come to the table to eat', etc. I used to have to do this because I felt so bad saying it to anyone. Look in the mirror so you can see what your face is doing, and just say the words pleasantly. Once you've 'felt' the sentence pass your lips, it's a load easier to deal with things as they arise. Saves you and your DH hassle.

Fuck me, is your DH this controlling about mess and dirt all the time?

You spent an hour cleaning and he still noticed?

She's banned from the house?!

I mean the wotsit hands aside (as others have said just tell her to wash her hands) you sound like you've got a real problem here and it isn't your mate's kids. Sounds like you're terrified of your husband's tantrums tbh.