To think children benefit from a clean home?

[AbeautifulBeast]

Inspired by the saying that seems to do the rounds on FB over the holidays. Something along the lines of not having time to clean because they are far too busy making memories....
I do get it, no one looks back at their childhood and remembers if the bathroom and kitchen were spotless however it amazes me how many adults admit a dirty/messy home affects their mental health but seem to think it doesn't affect children.
I appreciate everyone has different standards but surely it can't be good for kids to grow up in dirt and mess for the sake of 'memories' and there has to be a balance?

O good grief! The grill pan. Had blanked it out. Grim as hell. And the chip pan full of lard. Was it ever changed? Cant remember. Are there still chip pans out there?

I remember our DDs as teenagers (now all adults) complaining our house was TOO tidy!! Believe me it wasn't - always clutter here & there but the bathrooms & kitchen were clean.

It was the lack of organisation that affected me as a child. Need scissors, glue or an eraser for homework? Hard luck, none to be found. I could spend an hour looking for things like that and then be told to go to bed with homework unfinished. Getting laughed at because you have had to tear out pictures instead of cutting is heartbreaking.

I don't understand MN's view of cleaning. I have probably been to 50 houses recently, for one reason or another: to visit friends, for a party or bbq, to pick up or drop off ds1 or ds2, at a party or play date.

I would say that most houses are clean. Very similar level of cleanliness. Not spotless. Completely passable and acceptable.

Presumably these people clean, occasionally, and also make 'memories' by also going swimming/theme park/etc as well.

Doing both. Seems possible, by every single person I know.

So, I'm puzzled what the issue is. Exactly.

So, I'm puzzled what the issue is. Exactly.

I don’t think there is one. I think the “I’m making memories” thing is the way those that don’t go out very much try to stealth boast that they are out of the house! As you say, the average person manages to go out (without proclaiming to the world) and keep a relatively clean home.

I think the mums get the blame, As back in the day we were all school age and DM was at home. DF worked. I think the most minging memories of how the bath was used as a wash basket. The dirty closed removed bath filled in you went. Ughhh.

I understand it is hard, I find keeping a home hard, For people with a disability too, If you can do a daily clothes wash, wash dishes and change the bins at least nothing will rot.

Those saying 'where's the harm?' please read the accounts of those of us who grew up in a dirty house. I'm grown up now so it's my own choice to go there (with anti-histamines to cope with the dust mites), but as a child I had no choice. I took a photo of my brothers last Christmas and one brother vetoed it being put on Facebook. I thought the house actually looked reasonable for our family's standards, but my brother still lives locally and couldn't cope with it.
Not being able to have friends over is quite a source of anxiety for a pre-teen and teen as well. I did have the occasional visit by a friend who said 'I'm coming to see you, not your house' but she had to just turn up otherwise my mother would have refused it.
At one point I had piano lessons at home. It meant hours of cleaning mainly just around the door and the piano and terrible anxiety that he wouldn't need the toilet.

It wasn't bad enough that social services would have intervened, but it affected my life VERY negatively.

I suffer with major depression and various anxiety disorders. I admit my house very often gets super untidy (stuff rather than filth/dirt) and I will sit and cry when my ds's are in bed because I hate it, i hate the disorganised chaos and looking for things, washing pile getting higher etc but I physically can't muster enough with in myself to even begin! Then when I start to lift in mood I will run around like a manic getting on top of it all and getting my house show home ready, the day or 2 following is bliss but my anxiety goes wild if anyone leaves a thing out of place! But i definately notice a difference in my children when the house is tidy - or it may be my perception of a happy organised home? But basically as someone who's regularly in one extreme or the other I think somewhere in the middle is ideal! No one wants to feel unwelcome and scared to put their shoes in the right place - but no one enjoys spending 10 mins looking for said pair of shoes!!!

.... so after going round the houses 🤣 my point is that i think the whole 'sorry my house is a mess we are busy making memories' is bollocks basically. 1 hour a day is enough to keep on top of things without infringing on decent family time!

My mother was one of those people who cleaned a lot, but never really played with us or took us out anywhere or talked to us. She prioritised being a wife and a housewife over being a mother. She was also a terrible cook because she didn't like the mess involved in cooking.

My husband and I make sure that the bathroom and kitchen are basically hygienic and do do some vacuuming from time to time. There are places where particular things live so that important stuff doesn't get lost. We tidy up a bit when guests are coming round. Laundry gets done sufficiently often that we don't run out of bedding or towels or underwear.

But otherwise it's a bit muddly and relaxed. Our daughter is fine with it. She sometimes scowls when she comes back from university and says, 'It's a bit tidy isn't it?' in disapproving tones. Once she's dropped a few books by the sofa and her laptop charger on the floor by the sofa in the living room, it feels more like home to her.

My DM was insane over cleaning and the house, I remember her literally crying/screaming when I spilt some milk. She bought a new carpet and we were only allowed to walk along the edges but got told off if we did this in front of visitors.

I have gone too much the other way as I wanted my DCs to grow up in an easy going house. I long for a clean and tidy house but doing it feels like the bullying and constant nagging I grew up with. I need to find a balance and grow up and own my own life.

OnTheBrink87 I think my point is that an hour a day is more than half the potential ‘free time* that some of us have in a day! That it means that I could never go out for an evening to exercise or socialise (selfish to want to do this I know) or keep on top of the household admin - let alone - god forbid sit down on the sofa and watch TV, read a book or MN.

I wish I lived in a cleaner house. I have a baby and a toddler and my poor toddler, without being prompted, thanks me when I clean. I'm convinced it's because I can't get on top of it and it's so rare that it's clean. I hate it. I'm exhausted from the baby, only coming out the tail end of PND and I feel like I have to choose between cleaning and playing with the toddler. Actually looking forward to going back to work cos I'm convinced if we're not home all day the house will be less messy. 😓

I had never thought about what it must be like for adults to look back on growing up in a filthy house. My DS1's best friend lives in a truly filthy house (pet rats live in the bath and there is cat shit everywhere) and his mother is so unaware of it that she agreed to do a foreign student exchange. The very nice foreign student went to stay but the school removed him after about 1 day. Everyone was very, very nice about it but DS1's friend was desperately embarrassed.

I think some people are missing my point, I'm not talking about cleaning to ridiculous extremes every day!
Surely unless you are ill or disabled you can keep a clean (not spotless!), tidy home without it impacting on time with your children

Abeautifulbeast no actually, despite not being I'll or disabled I sometimes can't get on top of the cleaning. I need to eat, spend time with my husband and sleep, all after the kids go to bed. The mess in my house depresses me but what do you suggest I let slide? My marriage, my nutrition or the one bit of rest I get in the day?

"his mother is so unaware of it that she agreed to do a foreign student exchange. "

She probably did a lot of cleaning for that day so for her standards it was OK. I have a friend who told me he'd cleaned and I could come around. The place was a stinky shithole, but in his view it was fine because it had been much worse before.

Teachtolive I think you are about 9 months ahead of me sadly. I’m dreading coping with a baby and a toddler and the house, I will probably leave the toddler in almost full time nursery (and feel immense guilt about that) meaning that from about month 4 to month 9 of mat leave I might manage to keep on top of things. Then once I’m back at work it will be back to the way we are now. Frantic, exhausted and doing everything not quite well enough only with twice as much childcare, cooking and cleaning to do. You’ll be there before me, please tell me when you go back to work that it’s not as bleak as I fear! To be fair it probably will be easier than being home with a toddler and baby all day, at least less mess is created!

"I had never thought about what it must be like for adults to look back on growing up in a filthy house."

I think it's OK when you're very small. You kind of think it's normal. I used to think houses on TV were tidy just because they were on TV and in reality any house would be like ours. Eventually of course, you realise it's not right and by late primary school and teen years it becomes a source of shame.

I used to go to school with a kid called Stig because his house was a dump - poor kid. I don't even know what his real name was.

A glance into our homes gives a glimpse of our state of mind I suppose? Look at Mr Trump and his penchant for dictator chic. Looking round now, my house is a bit dusty, cluttery and untidy. Half an hour max would sort it out but I'm quite lazy and I'll probably leave it all a few days longer.

depends what you define as 'mess' though doesnt it!
Obviously theres a happy state in the middle....
Absolute filth and pristine to the point of obsessiveness are not great for anyone but I think theres lots of states in between that would be fine...
My house is a bit of a tip as I do struggle with it with two under 4s on my own all day. Its very old damp and dusty too... So I admit I find the 'dust if you must' posts sort of comforting because I dont feel like im the only person in the world with a messy house!

@teachtolive we all need to eat, sleep, rest etc.

Abeautifulbeast Alright then, enlighten me , how do you fit it all in? What's your timetable like for fitting it all in? Again, please bear in mind, I'm not proud of my house, I don't like it being messy but I'm at sea about how to keep up with mess being made faster than I can clean it!

DrWhy I'm hoping that adult conversation will make things mentally easier and therefore I'll have the energy for the rest!