To think children benefit from a clean home?

[AbeautifulBeast]

Inspired by the saying that seems to do the rounds on FB over the holidays. Something along the lines of not having time to clean because they are far too busy making memories....
I do get it, no one looks back at their childhood and remembers if the bathroom and kitchen were spotless however it amazes me how many adults admit a dirty/messy home affects their mental health but seem to think it doesn't affect children.
I appreciate everyone has different standards but surely it can't be good for kids to grow up in dirt and mess for the sake of 'memories' and there has to be a balance?

It's all about balance. If there were more hours in the day I'd have a cleaner house for sure. As it is I can get maybe two rooms looking great while the kids destroy another!
I think bathrooms and kitchens need daily maintenance but nothing that takes more than 20 minutes (wipe surfaces, sweep floor) plus a weekly deep clean. I also give my sink and toilet a good clean maybe 3 times a week? Hoover every couple of days where needed. Dust probably once a week. Then it's just tidying laundry and cooking.
My mum spent A LOT if time ironing when I was a kid. It wasn't worth it. I stopped ironing when ds was born and haven't taken it up again!

Another stick with which to beat your female counterparts. Lovely.

Some advice on this would be appreciated actually. My kids are 3 and 1. Both of them are absolutely fucking petrified of the hoover 🤷🏻‍♀️ They’re funny with noise. My husband has to take them out so I can hoover (or vice versa)

@katienana How are the kids destroying another?
This is the bit I don't understand. If I clean a room and my child plays in it, it is untidy. Not dirty. She hasn't poured a pibr of chocolate milk down a radiator or wiped painted hands all over the curtains. or licked the mirror after eating crisps (she did do this!). The room is messy - 5 minute tidy! - not hour long clean. Or am I missing something?

crosser62 That is really sad but it is the case for lots of DC. I often wonder are the parents aware of the effects on their DC, Lots didn't grow up like that so are not aware of the long term effects on the DC.

As I said my childhood home was really messy, we were loved but DM was depressed she never did much to try and change it. I get depressed at times but I try eat well exercise and force myself to keep order, we paint, make slime, play doh but the house starts clean, school uniforms are ironed and bags prepared and packed every day. My DC may not see it as a priority when they grown up who knows.

My house is far cleaner when the DC are at school than holidays, and I really don't give a flying fuck TBH. Any spills are cleaned straight away, the DC put their toys back roughly where they've found them, but there's a bit more clutter than usual and the floors could benefit from a hoover rather than the occasional sweep. I just channel DGFIL who was a biologist kids need germs.

Oh come now ladies, just clean more and make a happy home

Meanwhile on pistonheads, "lads do you think your kids need a cleaner home". Aye. Alright.

I hate the saying making memories.

My mother used to say it to explain why the house was a disgusting hovel.

It does affect children greatly if you house is an embarrassing mess. You can't have friends over and it's deeply shameful. I don't have many good memories of my childhood and that's a large reason why.

Make no mistake you can do both - have a clean house and spend time with your children.

Laverty I was just going to wonder whether people's partners are so concerned about this. Dh is in.charge of the kitchen. Who gets embarrassed if it's a mess and people come round? Not him. Who cleans the oven and sorts. The cupboards out when they're off work? Not him. I have a shot work life balance; I work at home a lot. I resent having to do crappy housework when I.finally get time off. I hate that dh won't get judged for the state of the kitchen, but I will- even though he's got more time to sort it.

Yeah and I do wonder whether the 'Oh my house was so messy as a child and I was so affected by it' crew actually thought to just clean and tidy, especially as teenagers? Or did they just have to suffer on through the ill effects of mum not doing 'her job' properly?

My nieces feel like intruders in their home because it's so perfect. Two examples being that they're not allowed to sit on the sofas except in their play room and not allowed to walk on the rugs.

I also wonder actually how dirty are the "Oh my DC are happy in our chaotic home" house really are. As they get very defensive when the hear it effects their DC.

Yes. As a child I did try to clean it. Do you know how fucking hard it is to clean years of ingrained filth with no cleaning supplies?! How soul destroying it is to spend your weekend cleaning to come home from school to find the place littered with fag ash and dirty plates and cups again? As an adult I cleared the place, painted, replaced rugs, cushions, curtains so it would be clean for my son to go, only to go back and find it trashed again.

I’m not complaining just to hear my own voice. It was a miserable childhood. Through illness and depression I’ve managed to clean my house and give my kids a happy childhood with plenty of memories.

I also agree kids need to learn how to keep a home decent. I learnt absolutely nothing about cleaning because our house was awful and it's been a steep learning curve as an adult. It works both ways though, it is possible for children live in a tidy home (whether that's "normal" tidiness or extremely clean) but still learn nothing because the parents do it all. I am not sure that is very good either.

I'm really trying to teach the DCs a lot of life skills and I feel guilt about not doing it sooner. It takes up more of their day but I think the benefits of it more than outweigh any playing time lost. The play time they do have is much better quality for not being amid a huge mess, and also I am finding that cleaning as a family is turning into decent family time as well. Everybody pitching in and chatting as we go. I've long felt that the everyday life stuff is more important than expensive day trips etc. I hope the novelty doesn't wear off too soon, we have lived here four weeks today :o but they are doing brilliantly helping.

Another one who tried to clean it, but I couldn’t very well throw away piles of my mums work paperwork or bills etc. My dad also tried to get DM onside with cleaning as well and would get shouted at for his troubles because he had moved her things, so it wasn’t just the case that we all sat back and let DM do it. I also cooked family meals from age 14 as I became aware microwave meals were not that healthy and I wanted to lose weight so I wasn’t the biggest girl in my year

Another vote for balance here.

As a child my mother was obsessed by cleaning to the point that I felt that having a tidy home was more important than my needs.

As an adult I appreciate the place being clean and tidy but not to the point of obsession. And not to the point of spending less time with the kids, particularly in the holidays.

I grew up in a house that was full of mess and to be honest, wasn’t really clean. It NEVER bothered me and doesn’t bother my younger sisters at home, it only bothered me when I was a teenager but then I picked up the slack and would just manically clean when I was home so at least if it was messy I wasn’t sitting in dirt.
Now I’ve moved out it’s really important to me that my house is clean, and I do obsess over it sometimes. But only clean when my son is napping or in bed at night. It turns to chaos when he’s awake

I agree. It’s important to us that we’d dont live in a squalor pit and use a trip to the park as an excuse.

Honestly, I don't think people are bragging about having messy homes, but it's really easy to get overwhelmed especially if you have lone parents, multiple kids, SNs, work, health problems, family issues, etc. Some people are just juggling A LOT and it's hard for them to keep on top of the housework as well. It doesn't mean they are shit parents. Maybe they just share these memes so they can feel a bit less guilty about everything? I don't think you need to be snotty about it.

2slicesoftoast your missing something.

I spent most of the time out doors whether that was in the park, walking the dog, or just walking round a shopping mall .
Our house I was supposed to be renovating so it was a mess before you added in Ds and to a certain extent dd who would play in a room by pulling everything out of any cupboard or box or jumping off windowsills by swinging from the curtains or painting the walls. They could destroy a room quicker than I could tidy it.

Ds has ADHD and dd has ADD

Add to that I was on a Zimmer frame for the first 7 years of their life because of a misdiagnosis from a consultant who I have since found out has a reputation for this and you have the messiest house you could find.

Dd and ds both say they loved their childhood. They can remember only a little bit but know they had a blast with the rest.

They remember pulling up the “thread” from the carpet and making it into a washing line for all their clothes. Their clean, ironed clothes that were now in a crumpled pile or were draped over the carpet “string”

My only saving grace through all this is they have both turned out to be very sensible teens. Whilst a couple of friends who said their children were really well behaved are really struggling. I think mine got the outlandish behaviour out of their system when they were small

I grew up in a messy home and it was a constant source of shame and anxiety for me. I never had friends round and was always on edge whenever I was at home. I remember having piano lessons and my teacher used to come to our house and just being so, so embarrassed because in the dining room where the piano was, there was always a massive pile of clean but unfolded laundry on the chair and it always had cat hair on top of it. So skanky.

I, too, used to try and clean the house. But often we didn’t actually have any cleaning products. Maybe one manky j cloth and some five year old windowlene under the sink. I remember cooking often for me and my younger brother and ironing our uniforms for school.

I’m not a show home clean freak with my own house but I like to make sure that it’s always ‘visitor’ ready. I tidy things as I go along so it never builds up and gets too much. It’s a big thing for me that my children never feel embarrassed about their home like I did.

Im on the fence with this.

Our house is awful but there are reasons. I work full time as a single parent, i leave the house at 8 and dont get back till half five sixish. Then theres tea and the kids have activities twice a week in the evening. I left an abusive relationship at the end of April and ever since then ive struggled to function due to exhaustion and depression. I also have adhd and instruggle so much with everything.
Its not good for any of us to live like this but i dont know what else to do

I grew up in a messy home. I used to be so jealous of my friends because their houses were clean and tidy and looked so nice. I was also embarassed by my house and never had friends over.
When I first moved out I wasn't particularly brilliant at keeping on top of housework but it was still much better than my childhood home. Since I have had dc I definitely keep on top of it and always have a clean and tidy house. I don't want them to be embarassed of their home like I was.
And I hate those "dust if you must" memes, implying that if you clean your house then you are neglecting your children. I think forcing them to live in filth is far more neglectful tbh.

OP you sound like the fictional MIL from the 'I'm your MIL AMA' thread

My childhood memories are of my mum wiping finger marks off everything, hoovering daily while we were watching tv, the smell of Pledge furniture polish, and being shouted at for eating outside mealtimes in case we got crumbs on the floor and she had to clean it again. She got herself so stressed about it and I find it really sad. I think those memes are aimed at this very scenario, and I wish my mum had seen something like that to make her realise the house will get messy with four kids in there, and even if she halved the amount of house work she did we would still have had an acceptable home, and also had more time to do things with her.

Also have you ever seen a man post one of those memes.. unlikely! It shows that women are feeling guilty about not being able to do hundreds of activities and have a spotless home, so they are just making a joke about where their priorities lie in a lighthearted way, and to criticise it comes across as an attack on other women who aren't as perfect as you. It may not be meant that way but that is how it comes across to me.

I’m finding this thread utterly depressing. Probably because I feel guilty that my home is not as clean and tidy as I’d like it to be but there is so much ‘stuff’ that doesn’t have a home that I can’t do ‘a quick tidy and put everything away’ because I don’t know where to put it. We’ve got loads of stuff I’d like to get rid of but can’t because either DH wants to keep it or we need it for the next baby or I don’t want to offend the person who gave it to us. We also have lots of stuff from places we’ve visited that is individually nice but doesn’t go together and looks messy and cluttered. I feel terribly guilty getting rid of stuff I’ve spebt money on that isnt worn out or broken. So even when it’s ‘tidy’ it doesn’t look tidy. It’s then hard to properly clean around the untidiness.
Added to that’s DH and I both work full time and have a toddler DS who doesn’t sleep and I’m 6 months pregnant. We have a cleaner but they only come once a fortnight and frankly aren’t very good.
I just don’t understand where the cleaning time is meant to come from without sacrificing all fun family time. We all get home at around 6, cook or reheat a quick dinner, eat about 6.30ish, toddler goes in bath around 7ish. By the time he’s bathed, teeth cleaned, dressed for bed, 2 books, milk, in his cot and asleep it’s often 8.30. In the meantime DH has ‘cleared up’ the kitchen which is usually loaded the dishwasher but not done any washing up and sometimes wiped and put leftovers away. I do a wash load, maybe 15 mins to move stuff around between machines and hang it up, more to fold and put away, so it’s at least 8.45. If I then spend 20 minutes each on two bathrooms and a kitchen that’s an hour so 9.45. Clean down high chair, table and floor under where DS sits, put away toys. Now it’s 10.15 and I need to go to bed.
That’s no vacuuming, mopping hard floors, cleaning fingerprints off things, ironing, food shopping, or dealing with house admin, holiday planning, shopping or packing, buying and wrapping presents and cards etc etc. Let alone the MN daily towel washing, bed changing and door frame bleaching!
Weekends there are DIY and garden jobs to be done, people to see and god forbid we do actually want to ‘make memories’ I.e. have some fun time together as a family.
Oh and of course all this is my responsibility because I don’t see a single person blaming their miserable childhood living in clutter and dirt and wrinkled clothes on their father.
Oh and I’m probably way behind this thread because I started drafting it 4 hours ago and it’s taken me that long between toddler wrangling and attempted cleaning and tidying.